the most hurtful thing someone's said to you while ttc?

[Hanawanabump]

Just after I had m/c I was with a group of family/friends chatting, a couple of children ran past us screaming playing and someone said to me "just be glad you've not got to put up with that now" (as in - aren't you glad you've had a mc so you don't have to have a screaming kid!)
In my head i slapped him a few times!!

 

[welshgem]

After telling my ex that my last iui had been cancelled, he then went on to tell me his girlfriend was pregnant with their second baby and how disappointed he was that it was a girl.

Oh how dreadful for you!

 

[amber122386]

My "best friend" who out the blue decided she wanted to ttc her 4th child got pregnant the first month and she is always complaining to me about how she hates being pregnant and im so lucky it hasnt happened for me yet. I told her that I suggest she stop speaking to me before I punch her bc she knows how long we've been trying.

 

[MissCloud]

Lately TTC seems to have just got harder and harder....

After m/c in Dec., my grandmother had the audacity to say to me 'well at least you won't be overweight for next summer'. That's lovely Nan, thanks for that.

And my younger brother (he is 23, me 25) gave me the typical 'maybe you're just not meant to be a mother'

The worst is when my OH says something hurtful.... because although we are both in the TTC journey together, I definitely think my heart breaks every month when af comes along.... while he doesn't feel the pain as much. So when he says things like 'shall we not try this month because I would hate for my kid to have a birthday close to christmas'..... does he not understand that as long as our child is healthy and present in my life, I would not care about small details like that?!?!

Baby dust to all. Hope we can move past all the ignorant hurtful things people say and get our BFPs soon!! xx

 

[CareBear]

I think the worst thing i've had is my friend who has two kids saying oh I wish I had the money to go do that when we've been discussing weekend plans and I've said me and my husband were going out for dinner or drinks or whatever knowing fine well I would swap with her in a heartbeat and would be quite happy being skint but having a child. The only reason we are out trying to enjoy our life is deliberately doing adult type things to try and find a new way in our childless life. The same friend has a really issue about me holding her children because obviously I'm going to hurt them or something as I don't have any of my own.

I think some people say things they genuinely think is going to be comforting and don't realise how it sounds and everyone is different. I've been ttcing for almost 7 years and I find believing it if it's meant to be it will a comfort. I'm bitter that I don't have my own baby but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Hope that doesn't offend anyone it's just the one thing that does comfort me in a weird way.

 

[JJKCB]

the adoption one boils my piss...

firstly I dont believe in most cases of adoption, here in england once a child is adopted they CANNOT see their biological family again until they are 18 and they can be adopted out during trial and appeal which CANNOT be overturned once the child is adopted (even if their parents have been proven innocent) do you know what damage that does to a child or the family members (siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles etc..)

second of the children I know who where placed in adoption by their parents (3 of them) it was all due to abusive relationships and the mothers never got over being forced by their partner to give up a child

very few children are in adoption because the genuinely have no family or are unwanted

also the people who keep saying about adoption are the ones that dont want children... if they think its so great and they are saving children why dont they adopt before telling me how selfish I am for not adopting

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on a personal note from the question I have only cut one person out of my life and that is because:

I got upset as I had front row seats to my sons first school play and last minute a couple showed up late with their newborn babies and just pulled seats over and sat in front of us despite the fact they have several children and have seen multiple first plays (they have 5 children) and it wasn't even THEIR child play they just showed up and pushed in to show off their newborns

they where massive (7 foot tall and twice as round) so no one could see at all and they thought their babies entitled them to everything waving their kids in front of peoples cameras and talking loudly... so I objected to which someone told me to 'get over it and just accept that they can have more children than me' and 'that I was being rude and stop being so selfish' - shes lucky I didn't punch her in the face

even if I could/did have more children their behavior was completely out of line all the way through, they ruined it for EVERYONE and they shouldn't even be there as it wasn't their child's play bring my lack of other children into it was out of line

 

[Angeld]

I'm happy to have found this thread. It's nice to see that I'm not the only one who has a lot of people in their life who are coming off as jerks and insensitive.

I've been ttc since august of 2011. Absolutely no luck.

My sil and bil got preggers and had their baby who is now 16 months old...seeing them go through everything my dh and I want has been challenging-not to mention having them be rude about things too. They wouldn't allow us to see the baby unless we proved we had our flu shots and were dtap vaccinated...well I personally don't believe in the flu shot, but I did it anyway. And dh is deathly allergic to the dtap-doctor said it wasn't worth us trying to get it-so he mentioned for us to get the TD instead, which my husband had a severe allergic reaction too also. But we met the demands because we were excited about the baby...then she said my dh still couldn't. At that point we stopped talking for about 6 months. It hurt my dh sooo bad, and in reality the whole family was torn during that time.

My dh and I have been really quite about our infertility because we really don't want it blabbed around. Because all his family does is talk. So we both decided to keep quiet about it all our family and friends.

Since everything with bil/sil had happened... my dh parents then decided that they would hone in on us. Comments started out: we are not getting any younger, we would like to see a grandchild from you guys. We want a girl, when are you going to give us a girl? Then it moved to even more pressure: your getting older and they say it's harmful to have kids when you get older. Your dh would make a great father-why haven't you made him one yet? These comments were getting worse and worse.

We just kep saying we are not ready yet, and then we said we might adopt, that brought in even more hurtful comments such as : you will never love someone else kids as much as your own. Why would you want to raise someone else kids? We have good genes in our families, why would you waste that?

It just sucks because both my dh and I want to just slap everyone...it's made me antisocial around not only family but my friends too...btw officially every single on our couple friends has a kid or is preggers.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[CareBear]

the adoption one boils my piss...

firstly I dont believe in most cases of adoption, here in england once a child is adopted they CANNOT see their biological family again until they are 18 and they can be adopted out during trial and appeal which CANNOT be overturned once the child is adopted (even if their parents have been proven innocent) do you know what damage that does to a child or the family members (siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles etc..)

second of the children I know who where placed in adoption by their parents (3 of them) it was all due to abusive relationships and the mothers never got over being forced by their partner to give up a child

very few children are in adoption because the genuinely have no family or are unwanted

Sorry I just want to say that I'm not sure where you have got your information about adoption but your first paragraph is not quite true. When a child is adopted there is ongoing indirect contact with the birth family. If a child reaches their teens they can make a referral themselves to an adoption support services and if it is deemed to be in that child's best interests contact can be arranged with the birth family. Throughout proceedings birth parents have the opportunity to contest, at the end of proceedings they can ask to appeal the final orders made and at the time the adoption order is applied for by prospective adopters again birth parents have the opportunity to oppose the application. No child is placed for adoption until a final hearing has been held at court. It is illegal.

In response to your second paragraph you say the mothers were in abusive relationships and forced by their partners to give up a child, if you are talking about current times then the mothers can leave their relationship and place their child before their partners. If you talking about times when being a single mother was seen by society as unacceptable and it was almost impossible to do, then Yes you are right and the mothers generally never get over giving up their child.

 

[JJKCB]

the adoption one boils my piss...

firstly I dont believe in most cases of adoption, here in england once a child is adopted they CANNOT see their biological family again until they are 18 and they can be adopted out during trial and appeal which CANNOT be overturned once the child is adopted (even if their parents have been proven innocent) do you know what damage that does to a child or the family members (siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles etc..)

second of the children I know who where placed in adoption by their parents (3 of them) it was all due to abusive relationships and the mothers never got over being forced by their partner to give up a child

very few children are in adoption because the genuinely have no family or are unwanted

Sorry I just want to say that I'm not sure where you have got your information about adoption but your first paragraph is not quite true. When a child is adopted there is ongoing indirect contact with the birth family. If a child reaches their teens they can make a referral themselves to an adoption support services and if it is deemed to be in that child's best interests contact can be arranged with the birth family. Throughout proceedings birth parents have the opportunity to contest, at the end of proceedings they can ask to appeal the final orders made and at the time the adoption order is applied for by prospective adopters again birth parents have the opportunity to oppose the application. No child is placed for adoption until a final hearing has been held at court. It is illegal.

In response to your second paragraph you say the mothers were in abusive relationships and forced by their partners to give up a child, if you are talking about current times then the mothers can leave their relationship and place their child before their partners. If you talking about times when being a single mother was seen by society as unacceptable and it was almost impossible to do, then Yes you are right and the mothers generally never get over giving up their child.

okay then, 3 of my best friends have been through it and I have spent 11 years trying to help them track down their families (1 looking for her oldest brother, 1 looking for her little sister and one looking for her 2 nieces - 3 from abuse backgrounds and 1 removed due to the parents not being classified as fit due to developmental issues and lack of family support) but no we dont know anything about it

in response to the 2nd one we are talking 28 years ago for the oldest and 14 years ago for the youngest so not that long ago

 

[Lolly1985]

This is meant to be a thread about hurtful comments while trying to conceive so people can support one another. But the comments about adoption are the truly hurtful ones. I know adoption isn't for everyone but for some, myself included, it is how families are formed. I find your comments ignorant, you don't know the circumstances around my daughters removal and the consequences had she have been kept in her birth family. It was to safeguard a baby girl, not about me or the birth family, about keeping an innocent child safe and nurtured and not to experience the horrific trauma experienced by her elder siblings. All the birth family were assessed to care for my daughter, all were deemed to not be able to parent. The case has been through court four times, we have met birth family and have indirect contact. My daughter will know her history and be proud we chose to be her forever family. She grew in my heart not my tummy, it changes nothing. You obviously have personal involvement but don't think it's all clear cut because it's not, there are so many steps before a child is removed and legally adopted, we're not quite there yet ourselves and she's been home 7 months. I am not one for conflict at all but I couldn't not respond as that comment really hurt.

 

[dreamofabean]

Lolly I totally agree with everything you have said! I think there are some truly hurtful comments on here about adoption. No it's not a choice that everyone should make, but it is wonderful for those who make that decision. I couldn't be prouder of my baby boy, whether he is biologically my child, or in this case, not.
When you're going through lttc and someone flippantly just tells you to adopt, it hurts. I've been there. However adoption is an option, and was for me, my saving grace.

 

[CareBear]

the adoption one boils my piss...

firstly I dont believe in most cases of adoption, here in england once a child is adopted they CANNOT see their biological family again until they are 18 and they can be adopted out during trial and appeal which CANNOT be overturned once the child is adopted (even if their parents have been proven innocent) do you know what damage that does to a child or the family members (siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles etc..)

second of the children I know who where placed in adoption by their parents (3 of them) it was all due to abusive relationships and the mothers never got over being forced by their partner to give up a child

very few children are in adoption because the genuinely have no family or are unwanted

Sorry I just want to say that I'm not sure where you have got your information about adoption but your first paragraph is not quite true. When a child is adopted there is ongoing indirect contact with the birth family. If a child reaches their teens they can make a referral themselves to an adoption support services and if it is deemed to be in that child's best interests contact can be arranged with the birth family. Throughout proceedings birth parents have the opportunity to contest, at the end of proceedings they can ask to appeal the final orders made and at the time the adoption order is applied for by prospective adopters again birth parents have the opportunity to oppose the application. No child is placed for adoption until a final hearing has been held at court. It is illegal.

In response to your second paragraph you say the mothers were in abusive relationships and forced by their partners to give up a child, if you are talking about current times then the mothers can leave their relationship and place their child before their partners. If you talking about times when being a single mother was seen by society as unacceptable and it was almost impossible to do, then Yes you are right and the mothers generally never get over giving up their child.

okay then, 3 of my best friends have been through it and I have spent 11 years trying to help them track down their families (1 looking for her oldest brother, 1 looking for her little sister and one looking for her 2 nieces - 3 from abuse backgrounds and 1 removed due to the parents not being classified as fit due to developmental issues and lack of family support) but no we dont know anything about it

in response to the 2nd one we are talking 28 years ago for the oldest and 14 years ago for the youngest so not that long ago

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I was not trying to saying you didn't know anything about the adoption process but the first paragraph of your original post was partially incorrect. In your second post you are talking about adoptions that happened a little while ago and the law has changed significantly over the last few years in respect of this. I am not trying to say you don't know anything about the personal circumstances of your friends situations but I could not let incorrect information about the current process for care proceedings and adoption be left. IMO it had the potential to put someone considering that option off.

To clarify from my previous post I was trying to say that if a child adopted currently, ie in the last few years, once they become a teenager (for example) they could request contact with a birth family. This is not the same as the birth family wishing to make contact with an adopted person. Even when a person reaches the age of 18 and the birth family want to make contact the adopted person can still say no if they want to.

In my previous post when I said you first paragraph was not quite true I was referring more to a child being placed for adoption "during trial and appeal". As I said a child cannot be placed for adoption until after final orders are made and if at any time a local authority is made aware of a birth parent's intention to appeal they cannot go ahead with placing a child for adoption.

I think we were talking at cross purposes you were (I think) referring to adoptions that happened a longer time ago than I realised and I was talking about the current processes. I was not trying to say you did not know anything I just wanted to clarify that some of the things you stated in your original post were not quite correct under the current systems.

 

[CareBear]

Lolly and dreamofabean - congratulations on your adoptions, I hope both of your applications for the adoption order go through smoothly. I hope that neither of my posts offended you, please feel free to pm me if they did and you wish to discuss this further.

JJKCB - additionally my posts were not meant to offend and you are also welcome to pm me to discuss them further if you wish to do so.

 

[dreamofabean]

Carebear your posts were not offensive at all!
Thank you, we've put the application in so are just waiting on a court date now Xx

 

[Lolly1985]

Legislation around adoption is constantly changing. It is different today than it was this time 12 months ago, let alone years. Everyone has their own opinions, some fuelled by own experiences, some by hearsay, some by media and many come from pure assumption and ignorance. But until you actually live it and I don't think anyone should push their opinions on others. It's cruel. Each case is individual and I'm sorry if it 'boils people's piss' but my daughter is safe, settled, secure, learning, developing and thriving. No child should be denied that. We give her everything we can ensure she doesn't ever suffer like her brothers before her. No one would wish that on any child surely? In turn she has healed my heart and made me whole again after years of raw pain. It works and we were meant to be a family. I wish people would respect that.

 

[Lolly1985]

Thank you carebear, we are hoping the adoption order will be granted within the next couple of weeks We have our second hearing very soon. We are so ready to be a forever family. Thanks for the lovely support xxx

 

[Christi85]

Great thread!
Interestingly, the most hurtful comment I have had so far in this TTC rollercoaster was adoption-related, but not intended for us. It still hurt like hell though. Let me explain:
My husband and I have been dealing with female factor infertility for a while now. We may be able to do IUI, which we would love to try up to a few times, but we would struggle to afford IVF (no insurance coverage). So if IVF becomes our only option, we may have to forego that entirely and keep trying on our own for another while (possibly with medication) hoping for a miracle, and if that still doesn't work, we really want to look into adoption. For us we think it's the right choice, and we feel called to foster care. A personal decision and I fully understand adoption (foster care or private or international) is not an option for everyone and I don't get how people do NOT get that.

On to the hurtful comment, or rather, discussion:
A couple weeks ago, my mother in law invited us for dinner at her place on a Saturday night. She had also invited a friendly couple of hers who we also know very well (my husband and the couple's first son are childhood friends). It was just the 5 of us - me and DH, my mother in law, and the other couple. I should also say that none of them knows about our fertility struggles or our thoughts about possible adoption later. So at some point the other lady mentions a friend of hers who had adopted children through foster care, completely randomly, as part of another discussion we were having. As soon as my MIL hears the words 'foster care' she goes 'oh my God!' in a way as if to say 'is she crazy? what was she thinking? why would anyone want to do that?' - that sort of thing . And the more the friend goes on about the foster care babies and how some of them were born addicted to drugs etc. the more my MIL keeps looking and acting disgusted/surprised/shocked that anyone would want to to get into this mess that are foster care kids . Then the other lady mentions that she's thought about fostering kids a few times (she has three grown up sons and their first grand kid on the way), but that her husband is not crazy about the idea, and my mother in law rushes to tell the husband '(friend's name), wait for your own' . I cannot begin to describe the feelings that went through my head during that short conversation. I was in a pretty good mood all night and those 2-3 minutes completely ruined it. All I wanted was to get up and leave asap. I didn't even want to look at my MIL at that point, this is how hurt I was. She's generally a good and caring person, but sometimes she's so insensitive and immature, and she just doesn't think before reacting. She couldn't imagine that she may have been hurting/offending anyone, but she didn't have to act so negatively about foster care adoption - what's so horrible about it anyway?Ugh! Of course MIL never had a problem getting pregnant to either my husband or her daughter well into her 30s, so she couldn't have known the dilemmas of infertility. That took me several days to get over. I was really mad at her for days after that night

The irony of that night? The other couple are expecting their first grand child in a few months, as I mentioned. They had only announced it recently and that was the first time we were seeing them after the announcement (the pregnant couple lives in another state). I went the whole day stressing about how excited they were going to be about their daughter in law's pregnancy, how they wouldn't shut up about it, unknowingly adding insult to injury for me and DH etc. etc. I went prepared for a tough and emotional evening . Well, guess what - the baby on the way was miraculously only brought up very briefly, and then the subject moved on to other things and it was never discussed again. I couldn't believe how smoothly the night was going, up until the end when my own mother in law unknowingly had all those stupid reactions about foster care adoption, completely and unexpectedly ruining my mood...
I did only manage to say 'you never know what happens sometimes' and MIL agreed, but I bet she had no idea what I was really implying and what she was agreeing to I do think though that her friend might have gotten what I meant. She's smarter than my MIL

 

[Lolly1985]

Ahh that's difficult, sorry you had to sit through it knowing it may be something you look into one day. The problem like you have said is that people don't think and judge from the horror stories portrayed in the media. My mum told a neighbour she was going to be a grandma through adoption and the woman immediately replied 'oh my god it's not a drugs baby is it?!' I was furious when she told me! One, none of your business, two, why are you trying to taint my mothers happiness, three, why does adoption automatically mean drugs, four, whether she is or not don't you think we've looked into every bit of medical history etc to make an informed choice that we are the right mummy and daddy to care for this little one, and five, actually no she's not!!! Ahhhh! And rant over

Christi, I wish you well in your treatment

 

[dreamofabean]

Christi I'm sorry you've had to listen to such nonsense, it never fails to amaze me the rubbish that comes out of some people's mouths!
I remember my mil (knowing we were looking into adoption) having a rather drunken conversation with a friend of hers about how they'd both like to adopt, but only 'a little Chinese baby cos they're so beautiful.' I mean, what?! She has never had any intention of adopting, full stop! It was just ridiculous, and made me really angry. The throw away remarks tend to be the most annoying as hours later they're still making you really cross.
It's just ignorance though, I kind of wish they did adoption preparation courses for the extended family! To make them understand the basics and be a bit less insulting about things they have no idea about!

 

[madtowngirl]

When I first started thinking about the process forward after my m/c, I mentioned to my husband that we should just start getting information on adoption, because the process can take a while (I'm particularly interested in international adoption, although domestic is not out of the question). He got furious and accused me of just wanting to "buy a baby."

That one really stung. He has since relented, but thinking about that comment still hurts.