The word "clever" is a no-no?

[SabrinaKat]

Depending on the context and audience, 'clever' is a bit tricky! At university, anybody who did too much work was 'clever' and therefore, it was an insult (I went to Oxford so not sure how reliable that is!) and I even squirm a bit when told my LO is clever as I would rather he had a bit of fun rather than fit into some developmental peg (but that could be because my parents pushed us alot (dad wanted me to do business, though and I chose history, which my mom was happy with, but dad was only happy when boasting to his friends...?) maybe that's the problem with 'clever' and other terms?

I also call him my 'monkey baby' so maybe that's not PC, but he is a cheeky monkey at times!

best wishes

 

[KittyVentura]

Hmmm. My darlings are clever, beautiful, funny, smart, kind, loving eat whether they get it right or not. If Fin draws and the sky is pink and I have 12 legs... He never gets told to try again or that it was a good try. He gets told how funny he is and what a wonderful imagination he has and how much I love him. I don't think praise should be limited at this age to them getting something right or doing behaviours we want to see. I think praise should be given regardless of whether they are right or wrong and that there is always something to praise... And it doesn't need be ego filling stuff. I praise how kind and loving and gentle they are. How well they play, what amazing voices they do, what wonderful imaginations they have etc etc. I praise their effort if they really try hard but actually don't do something. Like when he tries to open a bottle and can't. He tries and tries and tries and when he gets frustrated because he cannot I tell him never mind, that it can help and that he had a brilliant go at trying to do it himself. That I can tell he tried really hard and one day he will manage,

 

[lhancock90]

I am all for research i am, but if i want to on occasion tell my daughter shes clever i will, if i want to tell her shes tried hard, made a good effort, done brilliantly i will. There are so many things that affect the way a child is nurtured it just requires balance.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

I always call mine pretty/clever/beautiful. Sorry but I think sometimes people read to much into things!

 

[bananaz]

Hmmm. My darlings are clever, beautiful, funny, smart, kind, loving eat whether they get it right or not. If Fin draws and the sky is pink and I have 12 legs... He never gets told to try again or that it was a good try. He gets told how funny he is and what a wonderful imagination he has and how much I love him. I don't think praise should be limited at this age to them getting something right or doing behaviours we want to see. I think praise should be given regardless of whether they are right or wrong and that there is always something to praise... And it doesn't need be ego filling stuff. I praise how kind and loving and gentle they are. How well they play, what amazing voices they do, what wonderful imaginations they have etc etc. I praise their effort if they really try hard but actually don't do something. Like when he tries to open a bottle and can't. He tries and tries and tries and when he gets frustrated because he cannot I tell him never mind, that it can help and that he had a brilliant go at trying to do it himself. That I can tell he tried really hard and one day he will manage,

Offering specific praise about things a child is doing or positive traits they're showing is exactly what the study suggests. It's not about telling them to try again or only praising when they get it right, it's about encouraging resiliency, which it sounds like is what you're doing.

 

[katherinegrey]

I call my LO a clever boy so often he now claps when I say it, and he's only ten months! I don't think there's such a thing as correct and incorrect praise, as long as you're praising them and not putting them down I don't see how the exact wording matters much

 

[Tasha]

I thought that this applied to me because I do use the word clever but I use it on a casual basis, which this isn't about. I will say clever, smart etc but if one of them does an amazing story then we talk about the story plot and how I really loved what they did, I enjoyed this particular part. With Morgan and Kaysie Blossom they both have hypermobility and it makes it painful to write/draw/hold a pencil for even short periods of time, so I do praise their effort a lot (probably considered overly so by some), same as Morgan's core muscle are not great so if he puts effort into something physical then I will praise that too

 

[SerenityNow]

I want to praise those of you who put the effort into reading the full articles and responded to what they actually said rather than what you assumed they said.

Neither the bbc article or the nymag one are "anti-praise" but they detail research that shows that the way you praise children has an impact o their further success. Many studies have shown that praising kids in a vague way that treats ability as a fixed commodity-- such as "You're so smart" or "You're so good at _____." Has a negative impact on their self confidence and future achievement. Whereas specific praise that treats ability as the fruit of their effort encourages children to try more challenging tasks and has a positive effect on their future achievements.


Think of how you feel about being praised. If a coworker said to you "You are so good at doing these reports. They look great " vs "I know you put a lot of work into these reports. They look great" wouldn't you feel better about the latter. I know I would! I think most of us want other people to recognize how hard we work over what we might have a particular knack for.

I read that my magazine article when it came out. My eldest was 6 and has been more or less saturated with praise at that point I her life from myself, OH, her grandparents, and teachers because it SEEMED like the right way to treat a young child. But when I read that article I could really see a lot of the downsides it described. She was practically devastated when she didn't do well at something. Competitive games like checkers or even games of chance like Candyland were a disaster because she was SO upset if she lost. I really believe that being told how smart and athletic and artistic she was over and over again as a young child had a negative impact on her self confidence because she defined herself as someone who was "good at things" and didn't know how to handle struggling with a task before she mastered it. That article really had a big impact on the way we parent because we could identify so closely to it in our own experience as parents at that point.

It has really been a challenge to "undo" those early messages and my eldest still struggles with her confidence and willingness to put effort into a challenging task in a way that m younger DD does not. Just recently my DD was getting ready to audition for a part in a ballet. She wanted a part so badly it hurt. We encouraged her to work on her splits and her ankle exercises in the 6 weeks before the audition, reasoning that putting a few minutes each day into those activities would result in a measurable increase in her strength and flexibility and she would be giving herself her best shot at her audition because her extension would be better and she would be more stable on pointe. She was so resistant to doing this which really puzzled us. Eventually in one of those bed time heart-to-heart talks she said that she felt if she worked all summer on her splits and ankle strength and still didn't get a part she would feel like more of a failure because it would mean that no matter how hard she tried she wasn't good enough. But if she didn't do any extra work to prepare and wasn't cast she could tell herself that she hasn't really tried that hard in the first place. It killed me to hear that. I want to raise my kids to be confident that they can set any goal, work towards it until they achieve it.

I understand that people think we over analyze our parenting and that a lot of it is common sense and instinct. But I can also guarantee that as your children get older you will have to deal the unforeseen effects of your best intentions-- whether those intentions were based on instinct or research. And at some point your kids will present you with a parenting challenge that you are at a loss for how to handle. So, I wouldn't discount anything. It may not apply to what your child's needs are right now, but file it away because there is no telling if it may be something useful a few years down the road.

 

[JASMAK]

I guess I am not passing a psychology today test, but I tell my kids they are smart AND work hard. I also let them know when they need to work harder. I also dont have hours to edit my words in my head before I say them. I have 3 kids, work full time, and my kids are heavily involved in sports. I dont want to sound artificial when talking to my kids. Sometimes just a hug or a high five does the trick. Honestly, parenting is too much of a feickin science. Spend time with your kids and appreciate their strengths and encourage them. Thats it. Simples.

 

[Berri]

Don't get me wrong please, I was called clever growing up (by a lot of people, not just mum and dad). But, my parents also taught me that on it's own, being intelligent doesn't amount to much. You need to work hard to get what you want out of life. There are plenty of 'clever' people who amount to nothing and seem to have the expectation that their IQ or talent somehow entitles them to a better life, it doesn't.

I see some point in these articles.... it kind of irks me a bit though (like playing sports and not keeping score and giving everyone trophies).

I do use the word 'clever' with DS when he does some things but I also tell him a lot that I'm proud of him for trying and as he grows I intend to teach him that he is a capable human being who I love dearly. Everyone has different talents and there is always going to be someone out there who is better/faster/stronger/better looking but if you try your best and are happy with you there will never be any competition! (I'll try to keep to myself that I think he is smartest most gorgeous boy I've ever seen ).

 

[Quackquack99]

I think there should a balance between the two. I cant imagine going through life without ever praising Summer as my parents refused to praise any of us and as a result I have grew up feeling like I am not good enough. I cant accept a compliment without thinking the other person is lying. I think under praising our children can have a detrimental effect.

That being said I dont always praise summer. For example she tidied up her toys this morning and my reply was 'thank you for tidying your toys darlin' but she drew a triangle for the first time the other day and my response was Clever girl'. I think there should be a balance though.

 

[Reedy]

Ugh this kind of thing really gets on my nerves. I'm not going to let some 'research' tell me how to talk to my children, i'll praise them till the cows come home if that's my choice. I'm not quite sure how telling your child they are clever, funny, beautiful, handsome etc is going to give them issues when they are older ffs, as long as we aren't putting our children in danger then whats the problem?? i was told all of these things when I was a kid and guess what?? I'm perfectly fine, I don't think I'm a genius and I don't think i'm stupid, I don't think i'm stunningly beautiful & i don't think i'm ugly. sick to death of 'articles' stating you cant do this, you cant say that or you cant eat that, myself and my family are happy with just doing what we think is best for our children, I very much doubt they will turn out to be messed up kids because they were loved, taken care of and told they are clever or handsome/beautiful.

not read all the replies so my response isn't to anyone but the actual research/article

 

[Missnurse]

Since my DD started school she has really flourished and her teacher has nothing but praise for her, when I'm sitting doing her homework with her and she gets things right without prompting her I say she is clever or that's brilliant. She is only 4 I want her to be confident and not feel like a failure. My sister was the intelligent one out of us two, the type who didn't need to study and still passed, my mum was forever bragging about her and telling her how proud she was whereas when I got my exam results even though I got my full 8 GCSEs or standard grades as they are known in Scotland all she could say was 'you could have done better'. My confidence hit the floor but my dad stuck up for me and said I was just as bright as my sister but at different things which is right enough, English and essay writing, history, biology were my strong points whereas my sister was good at maths. My dad always told me that If I had tried my hardest that's all anyone could ask for.

Because of how my mum treated me I will not allow my daughter to feel like that, I want to praise her massively so she continues to enjoy school and want to do well, what is so wrong with that.

 

[Tiff]

I don't see the word "clever" as being any different. I put it up there with "well done" "wonderful job" "excellent" "awesome"... etc... to me there's nothing wrong with praising a child!

Claire responds to positive reinforcement far better than negative and sometimes I like to switch up the words a bit so its not the same thing over and over again.

 

[vaniilla]

I'm another that finds this annoying too! there is a clear distinction between parenting ideology and a few pieces of research to dictating what others should and shouldn't do because guess what not everybody will agree with every piece of research or article. This assumption that so and so said it so it must be canon is just nonsense.

 

[Larkspur]

Research doesn't dictate anything, it just lays out results and makes suggestions based on them. You can ignore it if you want, it's just a tool for those who believe it has value. It amazes me that so many people seem so cross simply that this research exists.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

Here's the full article in case anyone is interested, as it seems like a lot of people don't understand the actual concept.

https://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

I understand it can be annoying to have your understanding of what's good/bad/beneficial/harmful challenged, but I think it's actually worth a read.

The ability to consider information that is in conflict with your own "common sense" is a sign of intelligence, by the way.

This was a very interesting read, and very well written; thank you for sharing I don't actually ever tell sofia she's clever, but that's coz I talk to her in Persian (joking joking, I know that wasn't the point)

I was raised by middle eastern parents who always said where someone gets in life about how hard they work and not how smart they were. I have the same mindset when it comes to raising Sofia...I believe when a person is constantly praised for being smart, it prevents them from trying harder.

I also really liked the section of the article about acknowledging failure. Probably one of the best articles I've read in a while.

 

[bananaz]

Research doesn't dictate anything, it just lays out results and makes suggestions based on them. You can ignore it if you want, it's just a tool for those who believe it has value. It amazes me that so many people seem so cross simply that this research exists.

Not to mention many of the people getting mad have a fundamental misunderstanding of the research because they never bothered to read it before forming an opinion

 

[Foogirl]

Research doesn't dictate anything, it just lays out results and makes suggestions based on them. You can ignore it if you want, it's just a tool for those who believe it has value. It amazes me that so many people seem so cross simply that this research exists.

Not to mention many of the people getting mad have a fundamental misunderstanding of the research because they never bothered to read it before forming an opinion

This is harsh. I have read it, understand it and being from a science background know the value of good research. I still think this, and "research" like it is problematic for many reasons. Often the reporting of the research is what's flawed. And the fact that any piece that starts with "research shows" probably means that research doesn't show this at all.

But I'll give you a good example of how parenting research in particular is really worrisome. When Abby was about a year old there were two bits of "research" that people on here were convinced everyone should pay great attention to and not to do so was foolish. One was that crying babies are so stressed, they release more cortisol into their brain and can become brain damaged. This was widely thought by those who really have no idea to mean that having your baby cry for more than a few seconds would lead to brain damage. The other piece of research "showed" failing to do tummy time lots with your newborn meant they were far more likely to become dyspraxic or dyslexic.

My baby hated tummy time and screamed any time she was on the mat. So, do I risk brain damage or dyspraxia? Difficult for a new mum to decide wouldn't you say? I chose to ignore both studies and do what worked for us.

These studies can be a tool for background information but pulling out one part of parenting and saying "that's bad" is flawed science. There are a whole lot of ways to raise a child well, and to raise them badly. As has been said, as long as they are safe you deal with each issue as it comes.

 

[Larkspur]

I'd be interested to know the two studies you refer to, and the issues you take with this particular study (well, group of studies) and the reporting of it in the article I posted. I think it's pretty solid but am always interested to listen to informed criticism.