Things I cannot say out loud....

[Lettuce]

Great news Ozzie! So delighted for you!

I think I have depression again... Maybe if I eat better it'll help? I really don't want anti-ds again.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Fresh air and exercise help as well, Lettuce

 

[Lettuce]

Yeah, went for a walk to tesco and got nice fruit. I'll be ok, I just have to pull myself together.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Sometimes I feel depressed and I go outside and feel loads better. I hope you're ok. Everyone hits low points

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Ozzie thats wonderful news have a great holiday

Josh...baby I know your teeth hurt. I can't do anything.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Broken, put a wet washcloth in the fridge, then give him it to chew on

 

[BrokenfoREVer]

Thats a fantastic idea. Thank you!

 

[divadexie]

I treated myself to some new socks and pants today
OH was most dissapointed wen I picked up a packet of ''granny pants'' though


LO- when I give you proper food for tea you are supposed to CHEW!!!!!!!!!!! you are more than capable of chewing your breakfast and lunch you aren't just supposed to try and swallow what is in your mouth, then play with it and squish it to the front of your mouth so that when you have to swallow the food stays in your mouth


OH- my new rat cage that is coming on monday is HUGE!! and I am getting 4 rat babies in a few weeks



Dear dog- please be OK tomorrow when I leave you with the nice vet man who is going to remove your baby making parts and your dangly claws

 

[Neko]

LO- when I give you proper food for tea you are supposed to CHEW!!!!!!!!!!! you are more than capable of chewing your breakfast and lunch you aren't just supposed to try and swallow what is in your mouth, then play with it and squish it to the front of your mouth so that when you have to swallow the food stays in your mouth

I thought they are supposed to hold the food in their cheeks like a squirrel.


Avery, please quit signing 'more' and 'milk', bringing me empty bottles, saying 'that'. You are not getting another bottle of milk.

 

[Lettuce]

Sometimes, during the night, I resent you. Like now. Why won't you just sleep. Sometimes I feel like switching off the monitor and ignoring you. You are hurting me. You rip at my hair to keep you awake, you pinch and scratch me. I feel you hate me.
I know you'll be up in another hour or two. I want to run away and hide. I will never judge another person who does cc or CIO. I'm not doing it, but god, I understand. It's been 4 months of shitty sleep, this is worse than newborn.
I pinch myself to release the frustration, I know you can sense it and that makes it worse.
I'm sorry I'm a crap mum. I should be gentle and caring at all times. But Im not. I want to unlatch you,put you in the cot and walk away. Someone else would do better anyway. I dont want you in my bed, I hurt so badly due to staying on my side (bad hip/knee).
You are a beautiful child but I feel no ownership just now. I love you and care for you, I try not to ever let you cry, cos your shouts upset and frustrate me.
I read of mums who miss their child during naps... I'm not like that, I don't ache when I'm apart from you. Yet I know my world would collapse if anything happened to you.
Christ, this is so hard. I think I need help. I thought I'd dodged pnd. I knew my chances were so high, previous anxiety/depression, traumatic birth, emcs. I was so proud and delighted to have dodged the bullet. I'm ashamed. I don't want people to thunk I'm not coping or that I don't love Jenny, or that I'd hurt her. I just want to feel connected to her.
Sorry, I waffled. I feel better just writing it. I don't know if I can face months of tablets again. Maybe it's just exhaustion. I feel better in the daytime, maybe it's just a bad few days.

 

[cerrie311]

 

[Natsku]

Big Lettuce. Try and see if fresh air, exercise and better diet help and if not then go see a doc, you do sound a bit depressed though I'm sure we've all felt like that about our babies at least one night - I know I did the night before last and I lost my temper with her

 

[Lettuce]

Thanks girls, I know, I think I just need some time to see if the sleep deprivation or not. I'm hoping I can just fix it. I lost my temper too, not last night but the night before, had to put he in her cot and walk out.
But I felt better after writing that, and even tho she was up a few more times I felt calmer and it was easier to deal with. I think I was putting too much pressure on he and me to sleep through. So what if she feeds to sleep? It's easier and quicker and less sore on my back! Lol
Thanks so much, it's good to know I'm not alone. Been going out walks most days as have no car now, plus Jenny loves the pram.

 

[Eliza_V]

Lettuce it's nothing to be ashamed of, we've all been there hun! We all get frustrated and sometimes lose our temper, so the best thing we can do for our babies is to make sure they're fed, clothed, dry and warm - and then leave them safely in their cot so we can calm down and then come back and be better Mummies for them

I know how terrible it feels though. On Tuesday when DH didn't come home and LO wouldn't settle, I ended up giving up trying to rock/ssh/feed her to sleep, as she was doing EVERYTHING to keep herself awake to be with me. She was pulling her hair, pulling my hair, kicking her legs, poking herself in the eye, scratching me, scratching the chair.. I could feel myself bubbling over so I just put her in the cot, and walked away. I went outside for a cigarette, I tidied the kitchen, I rang DH (yet again) telling him to come home, I had a scream at him, blah blah.. But I didn't fully calm down so I didn't go back to her. I couldn't face upsetting her. I ended up leaving her for 25 minutes. She cried herself to sleep after 20, woke and cried for another 5, then was back down again.

I felt TERRIBLE at the time. But if I had gone back in there, I would've just upset her more, and in all honesty, it wasn't safe for me to be in there at the time. She felt no differently about me the next day, all is fine and forgotten and we still love each other just as much


ETA: I booked relationship counselling for me and DH just now. Let's see if it can sort out his compulsive lying and his complete disregard for my feelings and his lack of respect. If not, I have my answer and oh well, I would've tried, as I don't really have any feelings for him anymore other than nasty ones.

 

[tanya]

Lettuce it usually feels better to write it all down, a few years ago I was severely depressed and suicidal my doc told me to write down how I was feeling and either show someone or tear it into tiny pieces and throw it away, I didn't want to scare anyone by showing them so I tore it into tiny pieces and scattered them off a bridge, it did help a bit.
Bottling things up just makes them worse, no mother is perfect, the ones who look like they are are probably struggling as much as the rest of us but are so busy faking it so that no one knows they are struggling that something has to give. Keep talking about it, either to your hv or us, everything always feels worse at night it's just the way it is, keep reminding yourself that it'll be better tomorrow even if you don't believe it

You are a brilliant mum, Jenny loves you and you love her, when you get the "fog" out of your mind you will see it again.
If you need to leve her to cry for a few mins do, it won't hurt her.
x

 

[Lettuce]

Oh girls,thanks! I feel much better knowing others have walked away too, I just had to or I would have dropped her! Like you vixie, she was doing everything in her power to stay awake!
I had a complete nervous breakdown at 21, it was awful, I never want to be there again, so I've told my husband how I'm feeling and he's going to help a bit more. It was hard to say it, but I reassured him I wouldn't hurt Jenny, I just felt terrible.

I hope the counselling works vixie, but if not, at least you know you did everything.

She shouted mama at me this morning, perhaps I am still her favourite!
Weve got bounce n rhyme so I hope thatll keep her busy.

 

[Eliza_V]

I hope it works for us too. Glad you've spoken to your husband about how you feel, hang in there!

I rang a PND support group yesterday, and they informed that they can't help me until April They told me to ring my (useless) HV. I rang her over 24 hours ago saying I have PND and need help... I haven't had a call back yet.

The GP's here are useless and just throw pills at you and tell you to go away, basically. 8 weeks to get a swab back when you're bleeding at 14 weeks pregnant.. Refusing to do malaria bloods when you've juts got back from Kenya, are pregnant, and have a fever of nearly 40.. Throwing Beta-blockers at my husband (former manic-depressive -refusing to raalise he needs help again) and telling him it's 'normal' after a baby.. Making me cry telling me I wasn't feeding my baby enough as I don't have enough milk so I have to give her formula and give up breastfeeding (3 GPs told me this) when she actually had severe reflux so I decided myself to take her to A&E... Getting told I didn't need a smear test when I was 2 years overdue one (I had to have one when I was 17) and refusing point blank for 2 years.. Having a nurse get the arse with me as I asked her to check my (formerly infected - thanks to dirty forceps) episiotomy scar at my 6-week check (seriously) and then telling me that Cerazette isn't suitable for BFing and was trying to prescribe me something else, so I made her find a copy of the BNF and check it... Midwife ignoring my concerns about the high risk for Spina Bifida in my baby (my twin sister has a mild case of it) and refusing to prescribe an anti-emetic for weeks and weeks even though I'd lost nearly 2 stone in the first couple of months of pregnancy, and tried to throw anti-depressants at me because I complained I wasn't sleeping well because of my back, and according to her that must mean "I'm depressed and going to kill myself" Oh the list goes on... Sorry that became my "I hate my GP surgery so I can't go there for help" rant!

 

[Lettuce]

They sound terrible! I know if I phone up and say there's something wrong with jenny or I have pnd, they'll at least call back within the hour, even if I can't get an appointment. is there anyway you can transfer doctors?

 

[BabyBoo36]

Big hugs Lettuce. I was also seen as "high risk" for PND (traumatic pregnancy, baby with spina bifida, failed induction, c-section, unable to breast feed, little family support, baby having major surgery at 12 weeks....). I too thought I'd dodged it, but now am not too sure I have.

I told DH last night he has til the end of March to shape up, start acting like a husband and father, or he goes back to his Mum's. If I'm going to end up feeling like a single mother, I might as well be one. I want the loving, caring man I married back - not the selfish, lazy, sex mad t**t he's turned into over the last 8 months. I want the man who made me feel like a princess sometimes, not the one who makes me feel like a maid/slave. Last night he went upstairs to watch TV while I was on the phone to my Mum - fine, except 2 hours later, I had fed Pud, got her to sleep, done the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, washed her bottles, made her new ones.........he was still sat watching TV. When I asked why he hadn't come down to help, I got "I wanted to watch TV." Well I wanted to go out and s**g Colin Farrell but I didn't because I have a baby to care for. My younger brother has been getting up to his GF's baby for 3 hours everynight at the weekend to give GF time to sleep (baby not well) - it's not even his child, yet my DH can't even be bothered to feed his own daughter! I'm so tired, my back hurts, my knee feels like it's been hit by a sledgehammer (I have a cyst at the back of my knee - long story) and my psoriasis has flared up. I go back to work in 6 weeks, and have told him I want him sorted or moved out by then if he's not prepared to do more.

 

[Lettuce]

Good for you babyboo! I'm sorry it's come to an ultimation. I hope he realises what he'll lose.
Maybe there's something about this stage that's making us all feel low? I really hope we all feel better soon. I went to bounce n rhyme and on the way back she fell asleep about 1, she's been asleep since so I've had lunch, and basically sat on my bum! I know I should be doing more housework, but ive done the dishes and hung up a wash so I think that's me for the day. I think I need a rest. DH should do more when he comes in.
Oh, she's awake...