Things you should NEVER say to the mother of a Preemie

[bumpsmum]

Good for you Lauren lol xx

 

[gryphongrl]

Hi, I didn't expect to find myself here but having delivered my first at 33 weeks yesterday I am already a little crazy about how weird people are about my new daughter... She is not breathing on her own yet and will need care for a while (they've told me not to be too hopeful about her coming home before Christmas). One day out and hopefully you all don't mind me complaining a bit, this experience is so out of what I expected that reading your responses was really cathartic for me.

- No one asks about the labor and delivery, like it doesn't count or something because she's small?! She's still more than 4 lbs and does have a skull, it's not like she just fell out while I was taking a walk! It was a real labor and pushing process and I'm a bit beat up like any woman would be.
- So many people have said "cousin so-and-so was a 36 weeker and he's fine, just had a bit of jaundice, does your daughter have jaundice?" or "aunt whatever delivered two weeks early". I have gotten to the point already in 1 1/2 days where I can tell them that DAYS mean a world to a preemie, let alone weeks, let alone 5 weeks! Stop comparing!
- One of my relatives asked if we'd be flying across the country to my hometown for Christmas so they could meet our daughter... like, What?! Maybe you should do some googling first, you want a baby of 38 weeks gestational age to fly across the country? Is this in one of those special medivac helicopters, perhaps?
-Already have gotten suggestions of what I possibly "did wrong". Like - maybe you ate too much and there wasn't any room for her. Maybe when I saw you slip on the stairs your water broke (I slipped like, 2 steps in a normal waddling pregnancy way). Maybe you did too much shopping on Black Friday. Maybe it's your age? (I'm 36.) Is this going to happen again? Is it because you planned a home birth? (Neonatologist thinks, by the way, some kind of infection caused ROM leading to labor, and said officially cause is totally unknown and it was officially not preventable.)

Well, thanks for letting me vent, I bet most of you have heard all of these before.

 

[lil-lauren]

Hi, I didn't expect to find myself here but having delivered my first at 33 weeks yesterday I am already a little crazy about how weird people are about my new daughter... She is not breathing on her own yet and will need care for a while (they've told me not to be too hopeful about her coming home before Christmas). One day out and hopefully you all don't mind me complaining a bit, this experience is so out of what I expected that reading your responses was really cathartic for me.

- No one asks about the labor and delivery, like it doesn't count or something because she's small?! She's still more than 4 lbs and does have a skull, it's not like she just fell out while I was taking a walk! It was a real labor and pushing process and I'm a bit beat up like any woman would be.
- So many people have said "cousin so-and-so was a 36 weeker and he's fine, just had a bit of jaundice, does your daughter have jaundice?" or "aunt whatever delivered two weeks early". I have gotten to the point already in 1 1/2 days where I can tell them that DAYS mean a world to a preemie, let alone weeks, let alone 5 weeks! Stop comparing!
- One of my relatives asked if we'd be flying across the country to my hometown for Christmas so they could meet our daughter... like, What?! Maybe you should do some googling first, you want a baby of 38 weeks gestational age to fly across the country? Is this in one of those special medivac helicopters, perhaps?
-Already have gotten suggestions of what I possibly "did wrong". Like - maybe you ate too much and there wasn't any room for her. Maybe when I saw you slip on the stairs your water broke (I slipped like, 2 steps in a normal waddling pregnancy way). Maybe you did too much shopping on Black Friday. Maybe it's your age? (I'm 36.) Is this going to happen again? Is it because you planned a home birth? (Neonatologist thinks, by the way, some kind of infection caused ROM leading to labor, and said officially cause is totally unknown and it was officially not preventable.)

Well, thanks for letting me vent, I bet most of you have heard all of these before.

oh how stupid!! do people in this world really not have a brain?! your baby was born early because that is what has happened and all that matters is your recovery and your baby becomes the strongest it can be!! other people seeing her really isnt a priority and if they want to see her then get on a plane and meet this little person who has alot more going on then them!!! sorry rant over ha ha. i hope you all the best and im sure you are over the moon to finally meet her. each day is an amazing gift!

 

[Stelly]

I personally havent minded the "hes so tiny" comments... our little boy was born at 28+4 due to sudden.onset severe pre-eclampsia.

The only.comment I.have been.given that has bothered me is a friend who mine who.is also pregnant (around 38 weeks) had the audacity to tell me that she thought I was so lucky he came early and that she was.jealous and wish hers had. and that I have "no idea" how great it is I got to miss being big pregnant' .... Made my blood boil- who the hell wishes to.have a preemie in the NICU struggling with various issues?! I wanted to smack her upside the head

 

[Foogirl]

I personally havent minded the "hes so tiny" comments... our little boy was born at 28+4 due to sudden.onset severe pre-eclampsia.

The only.comment I.have been.given that has bothered me is a friend who mine who.is also pregnant (around 38 weeks) had the audacity to tell me that she thought I was so lucky he came early and that she was.jealous and wish hers had. and that I have "no idea" how great it is I got to miss being big pregnant' .... Made my blood boil- who the hell wishes to.have a preemie in the NICU struggling with various issues?! I wanted to smack her upside the head

This was my most hated comment. I think the thing that did it for me was the use of the word "lucky"

I'm sure hugely pregnant isn't comfy but don't consider it a worse option than seeing your newborn struggling to survive, full of tubes and wires.

 

[lilbeanhoping]

I personally havent minded the "hes so tiny" comments... our little boy was born at 28+4 due to sudden.onset severe pre-eclampsia.

The only.comment I.have been.given that has bothered me is a friend who mine who.is also pregnant (around 38 weeks) had the audacity to tell me that she thought I was so lucky he came early and that she was.jealous and wish hers had. and that I have "no idea" how great it is I got to miss being big pregnant' .... Made my blood boil- who the hell wishes to.have a preemie in the NICU struggling with various issues?! I wanted to smack her upside the head

This was my most hated comment. I think the thing that did it for me was the use of the word "lucky"

I'm sure hugely pregnant isn't comfy but don't consider it a worse option than seeing your newborn struggling to survive, full of tubes and wires.

Ugh I agree! My most hated comment!
I still get this comment and pisses me off.
Like wtf yes im soooo lucky I didn't get to properly hold/kiss/snuggle my baby until he was 4days old due to everything he was going thru! And sooo lucky i got to sit by watching him suffer and fight thru things while I could do nothing but watch! We're so lucky he spent the first part of his life dealing with tubes and wires in places that make me cringe even thinking about!
But no we're so lucky to have all that rather than some sleepless nights,difficulty walking and back pain!....oh wait we had that too but it was because of emergency csections, spending our nights at our baby's bedside in uncomfortable chairs, not sleeping out of worry and crying ourselves to sleep when we managed to.

Stupid ppl!
(sorry rant over haha)

 

[Betheney]

The thing that annoyed me most is the amount of people who thought they would be able to come and visit in the nursery. I announced the birthh and I was shocked at the amount of people who believed they could visit immediately. They seem to think it was no big deal he was in special care. A lot of people seemed to want to see him when he's small but I'm sorry he's not a sideshow at a circus.

All of our family liver inter-state and I told ALL of them no one is visiting until he's at least out of hospital. My in-lawss rang and said can they visit that immediate weekend after the birth because all their other weekends are completely booked with Christmas parties and events. Like FFS rearrange your social calendar. So I told them no. So they booked a Tuesday and both had to take the day off work, they flew down in the morning and back at night. He was still in hospital when they booked but thankfully out by the time that Tuesday rolled around.

And the next thing doesn't really annoy me but I'm surprised at the amount of people who say "he just was just a bit impatient". I was induced. I'm sick of explaining preeclampsia to everyone.

I agree with gryphon about labour, people seem to think you didn't really go through labour because he's small. My sons head was 1cm smaller than my termie daughter, it still hurts!!!

 

[katy1310]

I personally havent minded the "hes so tiny" comments... our little boy was born at 28+4 due to sudden.onset severe pre-eclampsia.

The only.comment I.have been.given that has bothered me is a friend who mine who.is also pregnant (around 38 weeks) had the audacity to tell me that she thought I was so lucky he came early and that she was.jealous and wish hers had. and that I have "no idea" how great it is I got to miss being big pregnant' .... Made my blood boil- who the hell wishes to.have a preemie in the NICU struggling with various issues?! I wanted to smack her upside the head

This was my most hated comment. I think the thing that did it for me was the use of the word "lucky"

I'm sure hugely pregnant isn't comfy but don't consider it a worse option than seeing your newborn struggling to survive, full of tubes and wires.

This was it for me as well. I had strangers in the street saying to me "Oh well you're lucky you didn't have to push out a big 9lb-er", and people telling me I was lucky to miss the last 3 months of pregnancy, lucky we could - apparently - rest and catch up on sleep before she came home. Erm...yes, lucky that we had to watch our tiny little baby hooked up to all those machines, lucky to have to leave her 60 miles away from home....and as for resting, we were so worried the whole time she was in, scared every time the phone rang, not to mention the daily 120 mile round trips to see her.

I'd rather have the uncomfortable stages of pregnancy a million times over than watch my baby fighting in NICU and going through goodness knows what just to survive.

xx

 

[MissMonty]

My girls were born naturally @ 31 weeks due to spontaneous labour and spent 9 weeks first in NICU and then SCBU. I've had comments about how the birth must have been so easy because they were small! In my opinion pushing out a tiny baby was exhausting plus they were born 19 minutes apart so that was another 19 minuets of pushing straight after my first twin was born believe me that was hard work! Also someone said to me that it must be nice to have a good nights sleep and recover after the birth while they're still in hospital, now anyone with a baby who's been in special care knows you can't sleep for worrying and you're at the hospital day and night. I had the people just turning up at scbu too during visiting hours whilst I was holding one of my babies or expressing it was so stressful, some people are just thoughtless!

 

[Betheney]

I don't understand why people think you get to catch up on sleep with a baby in hospital. You have to express every 3-4 hours. I'd much prefer to get up to my baby all night than my alarm and breast pump. I was so exhausted those first few weeks from all that pumping.

 

[gryphongrl]

I need a good comeback to crap comments. I don't mind "awww, so sweet and tiny" but yesterday I heard, "what, was that baby born yesterday?" from some man who was ogling DD in DH's baby bjorn. Yes, she COULD have been born yesterday but the implication was that we are idiot parents who would take their 1 day old to Starbucks...

 

[lilbeanhoping]

Sometimes I said to ppl "well technically he shouldn't even have been born yet but is over a Month old....so depends what age u go by actual or adjusted."
If their comment to me was snarky or rude sounding I of course sounded just as snarky back....but if they were being nice I said it in a nice way.

 

[Betheney]

I need a good comeback to crap comments. I don't mind "awww, so sweet and tiny" but yesterday I heard, "what, was that baby born yesterday?" from some man who was ogling DD in DH's baby bjorn. Yes, she COULD have been born yesterday but the implication was that we are idiot parents who would take their 1 day old to Starbucks...

I had something like this the other night. I had Remi in the Ergo and we went to a football match and were catching the train home. A woman walking past tsk'd and shook head. I wasso angry! I have no doubt her problem was the fact it was 11pm. But seriously he's older than he looks and knows no difference between 11am and 11pm.

 

[Sproglett]

Gone through some of the comments on here, sorry haven't had chance to read everything. My lo is currently 22w, he was born at 34+6. He is quite short like me and his dad (I'm 5'2, my dh is 5'5) I got so many comments like alot I have read... Responses I wanted to make in red

"He looks just like a doll" no, he looks like a baby!

"We'll at least you didn't have to get to the uncomfortable full term stage or have to wait for a late baby" actually at 34w+6 I had gained 4 1/2 stone, I also had a funny turn that put me in hospital over night a week before he came oh and this being my
4th pregnancy but my only baby, I would have loved to have experienced the full pregnancy even though I was petrified I would lose him

"I wouldn't leave my baby's cot side if I had a premmie" yes cuz I want to leave my less that 2 week old baby with someone I don't know rather than being with me an his daddy(I was at hospital next to my son 8am - midnight daily, I went home to sleep, my husband already tore me away to try to help me and our son)

"You had to have pethadine? God he was only 5lbs 10!!"he was also PREMATURE my body wasn't ready to have him yet

"Why was he early?"actually my waters went, the following day as much as the hospital wanted to keep him in another 2+ weeks, he had other ideas. He was also bery poorly, my blood tried to kill his blood cells and very nearly succeeded a o we were lucky he came when he did

"He'll get there" wow, u think??? Your opinion has really eased my mind, screw the fact that I know this and don't need reminding permanently that we had to wait so much longer for that first smile and laugh and for him to lift his head etc

And many more!

 

[Foogirl]

I need a good comeback to crap comments. I don't mind "awww, so sweet and tiny" but yesterday I heard, "what, was that baby born yesterday?" from some man who was ogling DD in DH's baby bjorn. Yes, she COULD have been born yesterday but the implication was that we are idiot parents who would take their 1 day old to Starbucks...

I'd come back with "no, that baby was born xx nr of weeks ago, spent xx nr of weeks in neonatal intensive care and finally came home to us xx nr of days /weeks ago. Is there anything else you'd like to know?"

 

[arj]

I hated it when people would look at my twin boys photos and say "oh it's a shame there is that big tube hanging out his nose"

Oh ok would you rather I remove it and he just starve?

 

[emaritska]

I hated it when people would look at my twin boys photos and say "oh it's a shame there is that big tube hanging out his nose"

Oh ok would you rather I remove it and he just starve?

This is awful and unfortunately common I think! When Ethan was first born I didn't put any pictures online etc for friends as he was on CPAp and drips etc and I have some young relatives (kids) on there who may have been bit scared ..however once wa s just the ng tube I popped a few up and got " oooh, that's cute apart from the tube" ..one idiot suggested we remove "the thing in his nose to get a nice picture" :/

 

[bumpsmum]

mini rant warning: so this was a total surprise baby so
much so the baby's due date is the day we RETURN from out fully booked and paid for big family holiday! But.......it's ok because 'knowing me' the baby will be here well before the holiday and home and we can all go as planned!!!

Er no.........I'd rather have the baby safe in my belly til he/she is ready to come out not torn 10 weeks early thanks holidays happen yearly (finances permitting) I'm happy to miss this one out thanks.

it's getting on my last nerve now grr!!!

 

[AP]

that's insensitive

 

[Sproglett]

Awww bumpsmum, good luck wit your pregnancy, hope this bean cooks to full term. People who haven't been there just don't understand!