Things you should NEVER say to the mother of a Preemie

[mummyosborne]

I agree with the post above ^^^

Id find it hard not to say something! Its nice she is so proud of her LO's achievements but theres no need to put other mums down!

 

[emaritska]

Oooh so relieved its not just me!!! I just think its unfair on other mums, esp ones who already have concerns! It's a bit puzzling, if asked how old her lo is she always gives his adjusted age and awaits coos of how advanced he is :/
I give Ethan's actual age, then if someone comments on his size or development I usually say " mmmm he is a lil munchkin / hmmm we do have a lazy boy a times, he will catch up" or of relevant " he was a bit early so I cut him slack lol" x

Thanks girls

 

[Stelly]

Well, I must say a wonderful woman who was in the waiting room with us at my son's physical therapy place gave me the warm and fuzzies. She was so very sweet. She saw him in his carseat and said he was a beautiful little boy. She asked if I minded if she had a few questions when she noticed his apnea monitor and I said no. Asked his age and weight etc, I explained he was a preemie. This woman just was in awe and said what a wonderful mom I was, and he has had wonderful weight gain since he was born and what a little miracle he was.... she was so sweet and genuinely so enthusiastic to get to learn about him.... I really appreciated it. She brightened my day becuase normally I get glares when people see his monitor or ask his age...

 

[Sproglett]

I also have a lazy bum, he's just gone 7 1/2 months (or should I refer to him as 6m lol) and is not yet sitting, I think I would have put mom a in her place as her baby is not 3 1/2m. Grr she's angered me lol

 

[emaritska]

Lol sproglett ...I grrrrr'd too! Ethan didn't sit till after 8months, In fact usually when I come on here and comment he isn't doing something, or the hv points it out, a few days later he does it!

Did I mention he isn't crawling/ walking / making me cups of tea yet?

 

[Vicyi]

I'm only 12 days into my preemie journey but I've already had TWO of the nurses say 'well at least you get to sleep through the night' and another say 'the good thing about having your baby is NICU is that they get them into a routine for you..'

 

[AP]

Jeeeezoooo..... of all the people you'd think would have tact

 

[Vicyi]

Yeah I know. I thought if anyone would understand that would hurt it'd be them?!
I've also lost count of the amount of people/postnatal midwives/health visitors etc who have asked if she is 'breast or bottle fed' - erm neither she is tube fed. I understand they may mean breast milk or formula but then they should ask that! It was also worse when she was completely on a drip for first few days
I think that gets to me the most as i planned to breast feed but due to her Pierres I can't. I also don't like the fact that a lot of people assume she will breast/bottle feed eventually when in fact she may be tube fed right up until her cleft operation at a year old!

 

[Sproglett]

Vicyi - Awww hunny, hugs people don't understand do they, just cause they work on NICU doesn't mean they understand how hard it is for the parents of the babies they care for.

Emaritska - lol, no mine neither I think it's about time he learnt to wash up as that's a constant lol. X x

 

[Mommy2Dallas]

two things that really upset me that were said to me while my son was in the NICU was...

Right after I had my son, His grandfather (fiance side) and step grandma came up and as they looked at him through the incubator I said "you guys can come up anytime and see him" and the reply I got what was not what I expect they say said "Oh, we wont be coming up here we'll just wait til he gets home" I will never forget how hurt I felt not for myself, but for my son. They are good grandparents, and they've done a lot for us and our son, but still to this day it stings a little.

The next thing (Also from a family member) was while my son was in the NICU struggling for his life. My fiance's mother kind of brushed it off like what he was going through wasn't serious (My son was literally fighting to breath, fighting for his life) Instead she brought up over and over again how much it was like when her first grandson was in the hospital after being born and during his surgery for spinabifda. Granted, my nephew's surgery was major but he was born full term and healthy. She kept comparing it to my son it was really making me angry because it was in NO way the same. She had absolutely no idea what he or OH and I were going through. I sometimes still feel like they favor my nephew and brush my son to the side. Like, my son has trouble gaining weight and with reflux (He also has a food allergy to fish and peanuts) his peditrician is thinking about a swallow study, and I'm of course worried about that (what mother wouldn't be right?) and shes brushed it off like I was overreacting. Then I tell her not to give my son peanuts and what does she do? Gives him **** peanut butter!! She's lucky he didn't have a reaction like he did last time.

I love my fiance family, I really do. I love his mom but sometimes I feel like she's trying to make a competition out of my parenting, or judging me as a parent. I dont know why? I've never done anything to her. I love her like a second mom but sometimes I just dont understand her.

 

[myra]

"At least you can get some rest" with your baby in NICU...No, I don't. I'm there twice a day with him, pumping every 3 hours day & night to make him milk, worrying about him, worrying about how OH is holding up under the stress of 2 jobs and a baby in NICU, and desperately missing my baby...I wouldn't call that restful.

"That's so exciting you get to hold him for an hour every day"

Granted it's better than not being able to hold him at all but I wouldn't call it exciting....

Other people get to hold their babies whenever they want. They don't have to watch their baby crying in an isolette, unable to pick him up and pull him to their chest to comfort him. This puts me to tears- I do the best I can, talking to him, singing him a song, putting my hands on his head and feet to comfort him with "containment"...but sometimes he just wants to be soothed by being held and I can't. It breaks my heart.

Other people don't have to be grateful for the opportunity to wash adhesive off baby's cheeks before it's reapplied so new tape can be put down to protect his skin from the plastic CPAP, or change his diaper, or take their baby's temperature...all just for an excuse to have some kind of physical contact with him.

Now that he's becoming more alert, I see my baby looking at the big plastic tube attached to his face- it seems he's trying to figure out what's stuck there...somehow it makes me so sad.

So an hour a day (every other day since OH and I take turns) isn't exactly what I would call exciting...

Baby shower: And this isn't a specific quote someone said, but before he was born, people kept pushing me to make a registry so they could get him something and plan a shower. I finally made one shortly before he was born but now that he's here, and so early, it seems like people forgot about it....people at work being being casual about a baby shower happening "at some point" My best friend, who is organizing a non-work shower for next weekend, still hasn't sent out invitations to anyone. At this point people already have plans for a week away...who is going to come with so little notice?

My son is 2 weeks old. Before he was born, I was on hospital bed rest. After such a challenging pregnancy with multiple hospitalizations, we were waiting for 3rd tri to start getting things for baby. We hadn't had a chance to get him ANYTHING other than a few outfits, which are too big for him right now. I feel like its ungrateful to think this- but if people actually want to do a shower and help us out, just do it! Or tell me its not going to happen so I can start buying stuff. It doesn't matter how long it might be until he comes home, I still need to start preparing for- and looking forward to- that day and I'm getting anxious that we have so little right now.

 

[ShelbyLC]

Baby shower: And this isn't something specific that was said, but before he was born, people kept pushing me to make a registry so they could get him something and plan a shower. I finally made one shortly before he was born but now that he's here, and so early, it seems like people forgot about it....people at work being being casual about a baby shower happening "at some point" My best friend who is organizing a non-work shower for next weekend still hasn't sent out invitations to anyone. At this point, who is going to come with so little notice?

My son is 2 weeks old. Before he was born, I was on hospital bed rest. We hadn't had a chance to get him ANYTHING other than a few outfits, which are too big for him right now. I feel like its ungrateful to think this- but if people actually want to do a shower and help us out, just do it! It doesn't matter how long it might be until he comes home, I still need to start preparing for that day and I'm getting anxious that we have so little right now.

This! People were constantly asking what we needed for the babies, saying "We'll get this and this and this for you!" and you know what? My babies are FIVE MONTHS old and not a single person has given us ANYTHING. I'm not upset because I expect anything - I know nobody is obligated to give us anything, but don't say you're going to help us out and then not do it, just because our babies are in the NICU

 

[AmyB1978]

Baby shower: And this isn't something specific that was said, but before he was born, people kept pushing me to make a registry so they could get him something and plan a shower. I finally made one shortly before he was born but now that he's here, and so early, it seems like people forgot about it....people at work being being casual about a baby shower happening "at some point" My best friend who is organizing a non-work shower for next weekend still hasn't sent out invitations to anyone. At this point, who is going to come with so little notice?

My son is 2 weeks old. Before he was born, I was on hospital bed rest. We hadn't had a chance to get him ANYTHING other than a few outfits, which are too big for him right now. I feel like its ungrateful to think this- but if people actually want to do a shower and help us out, just do it! It doesn't matter how long it might be until he comes home, I still need to start preparing for that day and I'm getting anxious that we have so little right now.

This! People were constantly asking what we needed for the babies, saying "We'll get this and this and this for you!" and you know what? My babies are FIVE MONTHS old and not a single person has given us ANYTHING. I'm not upset because I expect anything - I know nobody is obligated to give us anything, but don't say you're going to help us out and then not do it, just because our babies are in the NICU

Same here. Sucks!

 

[ShelbyLC]

Yesterday I was talking to one of OH's coworkers, and she pointed out that my girls looked tired. I told her they had missed a nap - they refused to sleep! - so they were actually pretty tired.

So she said, "Yeah, preemies are gonna be tired for a long time anyway."

They're normal "3 month olds". They're tired because they need a nap. It has nothing to do with being preemies.

 

[Lisasmith]

Brendan was 1850 grams when he came home, I was shopping with my two toddlers and had Brendan in a Moby and this little old bitch walked right up POKED HIM so hard it bruised and said "is that thing even real?" Apparently it looked like I was carrying a doll in a Moby wrap... I did lose my shit at her, in public and threatened to call the police for child abuse.

 

[Stelly]

...I would go postal on that lady- how rude and just ugh!

The other day I went to our local craft store and the cashier noticed my sons heart & apnea monitor and asked what it was ... So after I explained he was a preemie and he needs it because he's on medication for his apnea and heart she goes " oh my god, I'm so sorry. Is he going to make it?" I was dumbfounded!

 

[Lisasmith]

...I would go postal on that lady- how rude and just ugh!

The other day I went to our local craft store and the cashier noticed my sons heart & apnea monitor and asked what it was ... So after I explained he was a preemie and he needs it because he's on medication for his apnea and heart she goes " oh my god, I'm so sorry. Is he going to make it?" I was dumbfounded!

I completely lost it at her. Had my bub not been strapped to my chest I probably would have injured her.

People really need to apply that brain to mouth filter.

 

[juicyfruity]

"At least you can get some rest" with your baby in NICU...No, I don't. I'm there twice a day with him, pumping every 3 hours day & night to make him milk, worrying about him, worrying about how OH is holding up under the stress of 2 jobs and a baby in NICU, and desperately missing my baby...I wouldn't call that restful.

Yes yes yes yes! i HATED that! pumping every 3 hours, getting up in the night to my alarm NOT my baby is just so horrible and so hard. Going to the NICU every morning staying till late at night. It was awful. And all around me I was being told I was 'lucky' you're getting a rest, you get the staff to 'teach' you how to care for your child, oh and "most mothers are disrchaged now even 2 days after delivery its so hard on them you're so lucky" that got me so angry. yes i appreciated being taught things like bathing and nappies as a FTM but lucky? NO WAY! i would have managed at home, changing nappies through an incubator is hard as i'm sure you all know. i'm all for looking at the positives but saying that i'm lucky it made me feel like me feelings werent valid.

Just a couple of days ago a lady said about her lack of smiling "oh its because she's got a sore tummy all the time" (we were talking about her severe reflux) I don't know why that pissed me off but it did. I guess I felt she wasnt validating that she will have setbacks as a preemie. My wellchild provider has also said "oh well she's small because you're small too!" i am very petite at 5'0 but was normal on the growth charts all through my babyhood and FOB is over 6ft! I know she was 34 weeks and not as desperately unwell as many other prems but she had a lot of setbacks for her gestation and even if she hadnt I hate feeling unvalidated. It seem like its a 'competition' like "oh how early was she?" "six weeks" "oh well my aunty's cousins brothers best friends neighbour had a baby at 23 weeks she had ALL SORTS of and her parents are just so positive! they had such a rough time of it but not little xyz is five and absolutely fine! you wouldnt know!" it seems once you've had a preemie everyone knows someone with a prem and not only that one who had a MUCH longer MUCH harder stay in the NICU with MUCH more positive parents

 

[rbourre]

It seem like its a 'competition' like "oh how early was she?" "six weeks" "oh well my aunty's cousins brothers best friends neighbour had a baby at 23 weeks she had ALL SORTS of and her parents are just so positive! they had such a rough time of it but not little xyz is five and absolutely fine! you wouldnt know!" it seems once you've had a preemie everyone knows someone with a prem and not only that one who had a MUCH longer MUCH harder stay in the NICU with MUCH more positive parents

Exactly! I get so tired of hearing about everyone who knows someone who had a preemie and hearing about how they had a tough time or even how they are doing fine. I'm glad they are doing good (or sad they aren't) but after hearing stories day after day after day...it gets to be too much. I like talking to people who actually have preemies and are going through the same things I am or have been there and I can ask questions.

 

[Foogirl]

And aren't all those preemies that had a tough time now 26, and a strapping 6ft tall. I swear there is a link between preemies and excessive height. I've never yet heard a story where my neighbour's sister's friend's cousin's preemie son is now a skinny 5 footer!