Things you should NEVER say to the mother of a Preemie

[Betheney]

I hated it when people would look at my twin boys photos and say "oh it's a shame there is that big tube hanging out his nose"

Oh ok would you rather I remove it and he just starve?

This is awful and unfortunately common I think! When Ethan was first born I didn't put any pictures online etc for friends as he was on CPAp and drips etc and I have some young relatives (kids) on there who may have been bit scared ..however once wa s just the ng tube I popped a few up and got " oooh, that's cute apart from the tube" ..one idiot suggested we remove "the thing in his nose to get a nice picture" :/

I was really quite offended at the hospital as there's a photography company that goes around asking if you'd like professional photos of the newborn, when they saw me i was still in my be on the ward so they didnt realise where Remi was and i said i'd like some photos but we'd have to wait for a time of day when he's allowed out of the isolet crib as he's only out limited times each day and so they asked if he had a tube to which i replied "yes" and they explained that they don't take photos of newborns with gastric tubes they wait till it's removed and come back then to take the photos.

I was so offended as my beautiful baby was gorgeous to me with or without a tube and to insinuate it's not worth taking a photo because of his tube or that his tube is ugly really really hurt my feelings.

 

[dizz]

My MIL doesn't have a single photo up from the first fortnight of our girl's life - because of the nose tube and incubator thing. It makes me incredibly angry - like she feels her birth is something to be ashamed of - which I refuse to allow the baby to feel, since it was my body that screwed up - not her. One day I'll have it out with her - especially since the other (favoured) grandchild has photos immediately after they were born etc etc - like a "normal" baby.

In contrast my mum's got photos everywhere of her in the incubator, with nose tubes in - the works.

I'm just determined for there not to be any sense of guilt or stigma around the fact that she had to have a stupid plastic box instead of a nice warm tummy for a bit.

 

[lilbeanhoping]

Thats horrible people r like that about stupid tubes.
We have tons of pics of lo with all his tubes and wires. Posted on fb as well because ohs family is out of town and thats how we share pics and the only way for them to see him.
We dont have any around the house though. Personally im just not ready for that as i still kind of get upset seeing them because its a reminder of how my body is screwed up and caused him that pain.but hopefully one day ill get over it.

 

[buttonnose82]

I hated when people would tell me 'it must be nice to have such a little one, mine were all huge at birth' ...... erm yeah, I just LOVE having a 3lb 11oz baby!!!!! scared to touch him incase I 'broke' him!

 

[dizz]

I hated when people would tell me 'it must be nice to have such a little one, mine were all huge at birth' ...... erm yeah, I just LOVE having a 3lb 11oz baby!!!!! scared to touch him incase I 'broke' him!

To be honest I think your undercarriage can get trashed a lot more delivering a preemie as the neo-natal team really do not give a stuff with the collateral damage they leave your bits in in their haste to get the baby out as quickly as possibly (it's at the roots of the social services crap they threw at me as well - me just wanting them to note my pain free gap to not leave my SPD with permanent damage so they referred me to SS as a "resistant patient" and I had to go through the whole investigation process) - so I came out with some pretty spectacular tearing and cutting from it all.

 

[AP]

That's a bit of a generalisation , I can't say the same about our neonatal staff

 

[Ice Cold Cube]

Today I got "Oh it must break your heart to leave her in there, to know she's not getting all the love that you could give her at home."

Yea, thanks for that! Just what I needed to hear!

Laura

 

[AP]

Laura you'd be surprised at what the nurses do when you aren't there. Our unit just won an award based on a nomination I made for them with regards to the super care and attention they provided for us and Alex. We used to walk into the nursery and catch the nurses talking and singing to the babies. The nurses get to know their neonatal personalities and give them more than just the standard medical care. When you aren't there Ella has friends in the nurses for sure!

 

[mommy0629]

Laura you'd be surprised at what the nurses do when you aren't there. Our unit just won an award based on a nomination I made for them with regards to the super care and attention they provided for us and Alex. We used to walk into the nursery and catch the nurses talking and singing to the babies. The nurses get to know their neonatal personalities and give them more than just the standard medical care. When you aren't there Ella has friends in the nurses for sure!

The staff at our NICU were absolutely superb also and I've actually been wanting to do something. What sort of nomination did you do for them and how? I was thinking of writing a letter and sending it the editor of a local newspaper and then to the hospital itself, but that's all I could think of. The NICU here is only 1 year old so I doubt the staff has gotten the proper credit they deserve. I wrote the nurses a letter and got them a bunch of chocolate lol the day we went home, but I'd like to do something more public for them, ya know?

 

[ShelbyLC]

My NICU nurses were absolutely fantastic as well. My girls loved their primary nurse as much as I did - they actually looked for her when they heard her voice. I cried when they came home because I felt guilty for separating them from her (and her from them)!

 

[AP]

Mommy0629 it's was the Mother & Baby and bliss big heart awards. I'm sure they will do nominations nearer November time x

 

[Betheney]

I had ups and downs with our staff. I found the love that they gave to the babies was fantastic, they were very cuddly and patient and really kind women. But nearly everyday when I went in he was either lying in his own vomit or poo. They'd always remark that he had to of done it within the last 5mins as they just checked on him but it was always semi dries and obvious it had been there a while I also found them quite bossy and not sensitive to the fact he was my baby and in the nusery, they would tell me when I could hold him and when I couldn't and I felt for weeks like he wasn't mine he was theirs and I got to spend time with him when they said so.

But they always put him first and everything they did was for his benefit so I really shouldn't complain. It's probably hard for them to tell a mother not to hold her baby. They just didn't seem very sympathetic about it. But then again I have a tendency to be really happy and upbeat in front of people and then cry when I'm alone, maybe they thought the nursery wasn't effecting me so didn't realise they needed to be sensitive with me. I really would of benefited from just a tiny bit of it. But like I said I don't think they think of the mother's much, which is fair enough I suppose

 

[dizz]

The hospital I had the misfortune to be at have very much got the view (stated to me at least twice by separate members of staff) that "we're not bothered about the mothers - we only care about the babies" sadly. Shocking that they have that and that they get away with it - but you're in a vulnerable place and at your lowest without much oomph to tell them how screwed up that is so they get away with it.

Glad other places are different though - shame I live where I live.

 

[Sproglett]

Here's another

"I wouldn't be able to leave them in hospital and go home, I'd sleep on the floor if I had to"

Yep because I wanted to go home without my baby in my arms, forget the fact I only went home to sleep and felt guilty every second I was away from my son, it tore me apart, I was there 7:50am - 12:10am daily! That's 17h20m a day, then 1h in total travelling so only was home 5h 40m maximum in which I had to get changed and sleep!

 

[lilbeanhoping]

That is really horrible some of you moms were treated that way. We were so lucky the staff in our nicu were amazing! Both for lo and for us as parents. They were so supportive to us while we were there. The two of us had to be transferred via ambulances from the hospital I had my emcs at to the hospital with the nicu and I must say even the ambulance teams were amazing.
I'm very great full for the people we had around us.

 

[mummyosborne]

The worst one I ever had I'm sad to say came from my LO's dad, needless to say we aren't together anymore, I was sorting through lo's clothes whilst she was still in special care and got a bit teary he told me to 'get over it, she's still alive'

 

[Foogirl]

The worst one I ever had I'm sad to say came from my LO's dad, needless to say we aren't together anymore, I was sorting through lo's clothes whilst she was still in special care and got a bit teary he told me to 'get over it, she's still alive'

Nice

 

[Sproglett]

OMFG

 

[emaritska]

Some of these are awful! However I must confess today I had my first moment of nearly saying something to a mum of a preemie :/ Now I feel terrible

This mum (lets call her mum a) had her baby at 34weeks same as my lo, and same as us was very lucky in that baby stayed in for under 2weeks, mainly feeding and growing etc. her baby seems to be doing great and meeting milestones at actual age not corrected which is lovely, but ...we attend the same baby group and fb sites etc, and I've noticed she will use her lo adjusted age for everything not just when discussing milestones with doc etc, but at times very insensitively..so for example, today one mum at baby group basically said " I'm concerned my lo isn't sitting up yet etc" (her baby is a termie aged 6months), few of us chipped in the usual " they do things in own time etc, pointed out things her baby does well etc" and mum a pipes up " mmmmm, well my lo is only 3.5months old and is already trying to sit up so its bit worrying" ....
First mum looked rather concerned as this happens weekly and mum a's baby would appear to be incredibly advanced, I felt terrible for her, ESP as mum a's baby is actually 5months actual and therefore, I expect, just right on track ....
Fb is a constant stream of "oh he's only x months and already doing x" and almost goes as far to worry ther mums whose babies aren't doing things

Makes me feel sad that I almost said "oh, I thought x was born in x and is therefore x months old?"
Perhaps she is just preempting comments on his petite size and adjusting accordingly?

*awaits a bashing from other mums*

 

[lilbeanhoping]

I'd be tempted to say something to! It seems as if she's intentially trying to make moms feel bad and make her child seem advanced. I get being proud about your babies accomplishments but that's a bit much.
And saying her babys age is his adjusted age just isn't so, his age is his actual age! Adjusted age really only comes into the picture if he appears behind for his actual age. If he was behind for his actual and adjusted ages that's when there may be cause for concern. (my understanding anyway)
Does that mean she celebrates his "adjusted age birthday"? Lol sorry, but she'd annoy me!


Don't feel bad for wanting to say something tho, ure just trying to not worry the other moms.