Tomboy mothers of daughters, advice please!

[GingerPanda]

I am currently pregnant with my first child. We don't know the gender yet, but we're dying to find out!

But I'm finding myself REALLY wanting a boy! And I'm afraid I'll be disappointed if I have a girl. I'm not a girly-girl at all. I hate pink, and frilly dresses, and doing my hair. I hated dolls as a kid (I still do, they scare me!), but I loved digging in the dirt and was obsessed with dinosaurs. Our family is all about video games and Dungeons & Dragons... I don't know what I'd do with a Barbie girl!

So what I decided to do was hear some moms similar to me talk about why they're glad they had daughters. I want to make a list of reasons I'll be happy if they tell me "It's a girl!" in a month or two!

Pretty much all I can think of is "I'll raise her not to be awful and mean like those girls that tortured me all the way through school!"

Thanks so much.

 

[staralfur]

I was a major tomboy growing up and as an adult I'm a bit more "girly" but I'm still very much a "one of the guys" type. I love sports, would rather drink beer at a pub watching a hockey game than go dancing with my girlfriends, most of my friends are male, I don't usually wear makeup or put much effort into style, etc.

My daughter loves wearing dresses and dance class. But she also loves soccer, playing in the dirt, cars, and dinosaurs. Little kids tend to take an interest in a wide range of things that aren't gender specific (unless you encourage them to be). My LO has My Little Pony toys, train toys, princess toys, farm/tractor toys and she plays with them all.

I haven't really found myself thinking about my own preferences when playing with her, if she wants to play with her ponies in her princess castle then I do it, if she wants to pretend that her dinosaurs are destroying her train tracks then I do that, too. It's much more about playing with her than what we're playing with, if that makes sense.

Having a daughter is wonderful! It's like having a little mini-me. I have a really great relationship with my mom so I feel like I have that to look forward to as well. Ideally you're going to want to raise your kid to not be awful or mean regardless of their gender! I think you'll find that once your baby is here, they will be perfect for you. I can't imagine not having a daughter, but I'm 100% sure that if I had a boy I would be saying I couldn't imagine not having a son. Ultimately they are your child and you'll find yourself doing things with them that aren't necessarily your preference (I don't love dancing to Head Shoulders Knees and Toes 800 times a day), but you'll find the fun in it, or at the very least it will be worth sucking up, because seeing your kid happy is the best feeling in the world.

 

[Natsku]

I'm not a girly-girl either (when I was in primary school my biggest wish was that I could be a boy) so I really wanted a boy too but Maria came out without a penis...

She loves digging in the dirt (loves it too much even!) and loves dinosaurs too (and monsters and zombies and ghosts). I think all young kids, regardless of gender, love digging in dirt and if you are there getting dirty with her it will set an example to her (if you have a daugher) that its ok for girls to do that. The example you set for her will have a big influence on her. But she will also have her own personality and may turn out to be a girly-girl despite your best efforts.

But even then, its still good. Maria loves dresses and shoes and "looking pretty" - all stuff I've never been interested in but with her I do find it interesting. I actually enjoy dressing her up and matching her clothes to look good. I've even started to enjoy plaiting her hair (although I am terrible at it!). Having a girl has made me more open to the girly side of things.

I still hate princess stuff though, so I limit the amount of princess stuff we have in the home - watch the occasional princess film (by herself - I still haven't seen Frozen), one princess dress that is only brought out occasionally, and a tiara (hmm, which she just broke) and sceptre which has become her magic wand anyway so that's cool - we get to 'magic' things

Her best friend at daycare is a boy as well, so I have hope that she'll be a little bit like me at least.

 

[erinprime]

I am very much a tomboy and I have been my entire life. I have never worn dresses or make-up and was always running around and climbing trees with the boys. The only thing I used Barbie dolls for was to pull them apart. I always pictured myself with a little boy and I didn't even know what to think when I found out I was pregnant with a girl. I was really nervous. When she was born though, that all went away. I just see her as my child, and I couldn't picture her as any other child (girl or boy). Much to my mother-in-law's dismay, I do not put her in frills or dresses or even a lot of pink. She has baby dolls and play jewelry as well as Legos and trucks. She likes them all. She is still really young so I don't know how her tastes will change in the future but I am just going to roll with it. If she wants to wear dresses, I will not try to dissuade her. The only thing that irks both my husband and myself is the whole princess thing, but I don't know how we're going to avoid that!

I honestly hadn't come to terms with having a girl until she was born. I feared i would be disappointed or have trouble bonding, but none of that happened. I made it out to be a big thing, but in the end it was as if I pictured a blue eyed baby and ended up with a brown eyed one... surprised, but it didn't change anything.

 

[seoj]

My own mother was more of a tomboy-- she dressed me in overalls, and pants, and preferred things less frilly or pink... but, as a kid, I LOVED dresses and pink!!! Still do really- not so much dresses, I prefer to be comfy- lol- but I like getting all girly still. My mom wasn't into makeup, or pedis, or things like that and I am... she even refused to buy my first barbie. I had to save up for it! LOL. She flat out told me she was not happy when I tried out for cheer (and made it)- but, I am my own person. And she always supported me. No matter what. I always knew I was loved. In a way that matters so much more than the little things we didn't see eye to eye on.

TBH- as a mom now, I get it more. I absolutely know she only meant well- but part of who we are is just who we were at birth. Obviously other things factor- like environment and family and how we are raised- but being put in overalls and then changing into a frilly dress every chance I got (as a kid) just goes to show we will gravitate towards who we are regardless. But, no matter how you relate (or don't) to your child- they are yours. And the type of love you have for them is untouched by anything else. So the rest, it just kinda sorts itself out.

 

[MiniKiwi]

I'm ashamed to admit that when I found out my baby was a girl, my heart sank ugh it's embarrassing me just typing that. I was just so desperate for a little boy.

I quickly came round to the idea, I'd suggest you find out the gender if you can, so that you can prepare yourself.

Like the others have said, kids don't care about gender stereotypes, most kids like digging in dirt and I'm yet to meet a kid who doesn't love diggers.

My daughter is awesome, wouldn't have her any other way. I promise you'll feel the same, regardless of whether you have a boy or a girl.

 

[GingerPanda]

Thanks, ladies! You've all been very helpful in alleviating my fears and giving me a little reality check. I'm feeling much better about the possibility now. We are going to find out the gender ASAP!

But I'll not be telling family until baby is born, because my mom is DESPERATE for another granddaughter. I only have one niece, and she's 15. Mom already admitted if it was a girl, she was going to send me a ton of pink frilly stuff whether I liked it or not, and that really irritated me! You'd think she'd at least respect my wishes.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

My middle daugher loves WWE wants to be a wrestler lol she hates screamy girls and fussing. She loves mud/trees and fighting haha but saying that she instill my daughter and that bond is special and just unimaginable x im not overly girly so I think she just went with flow.

 

[chipsticks]

My daughter is somewhere between a princess and a tomboy....she's a major fan of all things muddy and dirty but likewise is a major fan of princesses and fairies! Her favourite indoor game lately is scare her fairies with her dinosaurs! I didn't encourage the typical girly stereotype she reached that side herself, the muddy dirty bit she got from our walks in the evenings where I just let her explore around her! if you have a girl she will probably follow your footsteps and like what is around her/what she's used to!

 

[Wilsey]

I was given a whole lot of clothes and considering how much it costs to dress a child, I was pretty stoked. Most of it was pink or girly. The stuff I've added to it is pretty gender neutral. I don't really care what colour she wears, I don't think it'll make a difference to whether she ends up tomboy-ish (like her mother) or not. When she's old enough if she tells me she wants to wear boys clothes she can go for it. Same goes for my son. My mother did buy her a doll but neither child likes it or plays with it

 

[Alyssa Drough]

My daughter mainly wears tops and leggings or jeans with little sneakers. I do put her in dresses occasionally.

However I saw a darth vader hoodie on sale the other day so had to buy it!

I also bought her a little car and track set at the weekend.

My husband and I are both live action roleplayers so she will definitely be coming along soon and we'll teach her how to use a sword to defeat the monsters!

 

[alibaba24]

you will find most little girls dont want to be running around in frilly pink dresses and getting their hair done. my daughter hates having her hair done. she is a total tomboy she lives in leggings and t shirts. her hair gets scraped back into a pony tail and its all good dont get me wrong if she has a party she will get a nice dress on but mostly she plays with her cousins who are boys. she runs around with toy guns. she plays the xbox with the boys haha. little girls are influenced by their mum and im sure you will be just as happy with a girl as a boy if not more so

 

[Larkspur]

I wasn't much of a tomboy when I was a kid, even though I liked climbing trees and following ants around. I loved my dolls and dresses and pink tulip wallpaper. As an adult I probably became more androgynous in my tastes and dress, and now I can't remember the last time I wore a skirt or dress (probably for someone's wedding). Definitely no pink in my wardrobe or life in general.

We bought a lot of gender-neutral tones of clothing for my son (first-born) so my daughter has been handed those down.

BUT the funny thing is that a) my son is the one who likes playing shops, baking, and bathing and dressing up all his animal toys, loves pink and purple (insists on wearing those colours) and other traditionally 'girly' activities. My daughter is the super-active, go-go-go baby whose first word was "Brrrrrmmmm!" (car noise). I find myself dressing her in pink to remind myself she's a girl, haha.

 

[Wilsey]

Oh yes, must add. My daughter doesn't wear dresses. Mainly because they'd be slightly impractical at her age. So it's always pants and a body suit or t-shirt etc. I'm sure I'll put her in a dress for a special occasion though, I'm not opposed to it or anything.

 

[veganmama]

you dont have to dress pink and wear frilly dresses to be a girly girl lol

and there are cute toddler girl tomboy fashion like wearing t shirt and jeans and beanie

dont worry lol

 

[misspriss]

I wouldn't call myself a tomboy (especially compared to my sisters!) but I'm not a girly-girl either. Someone told me DH would have to get used to pink and girl things, as I'm pregnant with a girl. That struck me as odd.

I was the girliest of my and my sisters growing up. I like hair and makeup and I couldn't wait to shave my legs. But we didn't play with dolls much, our favorite toys were little dalmatian figurines (from 101 dalmatians) and beanie babies. We played with those little dogs for years, we built them mud/stick houses, cardboard box houses, etc. We also played outside and with the pets a lot. We didn't play barbies, or have a pink dream house, or anything like that.

I really don't think we have to change everything we had for DS for DD, she can wear a lot of the same play clothes, there is no reason a girl can't wear jeans and a spiderman shirt! I just don't think too highly of "gender stereotyped" toys, DS has a toy kitchen - it's wooden. Its not blue or pink. I don't like all the pink princess stuff or anything, I don't have any plans to turn my little girl into a pink princess type girl. She will play with regular toys like DS, blocks, cars, (yes we will have dolls but not like barbies), kitchen, wagons, bikes, just regular toys.

 

[GingerPanda]

Alyssa, I'm sure my hubs will be training ours in swordplay from a young age, no matter the gender.

Thanks, ladies!

 

[MindUtopia]

I think maybe you're buying too much into traditional gender stereotypes. Like they're only as real as you make them. I was definitely a tomboy growing up. I played in mud. I had mostly boy friends until I hit the teenage years. I rode horses. I didn't hate dresses and I did wear them, but I rarely had an excuse to. I just wasn't a girly girl. As an adult, I'm much the same. My husband and I love camping and hiking and fishing. I don't own a straightening iron. I have a funeral to go to a few weeks and I actually have to dig through the dirty clothes basket to find the one dress I own! I'm not masculine, more just sporty, but definitely not girly.

We have a daughter and honestly I can't tell how it would be any different if we had a son (other than that he would have a penis instead of a vagina, which let's be fair, is the only real difference). Kids become interested in what you mold them to be interested in. That doesn't mean there aren't outside societal pressures to conform to one thing or another. But not all girls are girly-girls. Just like you probably weren't when you were little. Our daughter is 2 and she loves tractors and trains and dinosaurs and playing in mud. She loves being outside and getting dirty. Because we've exposed her to all those things. We intentionally don't buy anything that is marketed specifically for girls just on principle. In fact, I bought most of her stocking stuffers at Christmas from a rack marked 'Stocking Stuffers for Boys', mostly because the stuff for girls is crap. I look just as forward to having a boy or another girl next time because we'll expose them to the exact same way of growing up. It's not so much about 'this is the way boys should be' or 'this is the way girls should be', it's just about this is what we enjoy doing and how we spend our time as a family. I think kids who tend to grow up adhering to very defined gender stereotypes (rough and tumble boys who fight and hunt or girly-girls who love pink and Barbie and shopping) probably come from families with parents who model those gender stereotypes. I think if you model how men and women can be in ways that counters these stereotypes in your family, you'll have a child who does the same.

 

[GingerPanda]

Our children definitely won't be raised on gender stereotypes in our home. That was never in doubt. I helped raise a nephew that was naturally very feminine. He loved getting his nails done, dressing up like a princess, and carrying a purse. (I made the mistake of calling it a bag once, and was told "It's not a BAG, it's a PURSE. DUH." )

But my family is strict Southern Baptist. They beat him over the head that it was not normal, despite my efforts to tell them he could be however he wanted to be. He's started to show more interest in masculine things now, and my family seems relieved... I think the kid is just hiding from them, and it makes me sad.


So yes. I'm aware that I might have a boy and end up with a princess. Or I might have a girl and end up with a rocket scientist. The societal pressure for gender conformity is not just in the home, and that worries me. I was tortured my entire school existence by my fellow female students for not wearing the right things or behaving a certain way.


But talking with these ladies and my husband makes me feel much better about the possibility of a daughter. I look forward to trying to raise a girl who doesn't feel bound by what society thinks a girl should and shouldn't be. If she decides she's into pink and dresses, I can deal with that. But she'll be wearing them because she wants to, not because she thinks she's supposed to. She'll also be learning martial arts to go along with it.


I was just having a hard time all of a sudden with the thought of not having a boy. I always imagined myself having a boy first. We've been TTC #1 for three years. I've been through countless tests and vials of blood. Multiple diagnoses, and multiple bottles of pills I have to take every day. Multiple miscarriages.

Don't misunderstand, I will be thrilled with a daughter if I have one. I just had questions about how to go about it in a way I would approve of.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

I was a tomboy growing up - Ninja Turtles, Hot Wheels in the dirt, mud fights, I wanted to grow up to be a Power Ranger (Tommy was my first crush )... I didn't really get into Barbies and shopping until I was older. I like to think I have a nice balance now. I do enjoy make-up and dressing up, but I also love video games (met my husband through World of Warcraft) and having a beer with the guys.

Just because you have a girl doesn't mean it's all pink and ribbons! DD wears a lot of dino clothing, and other "boy" stuff. Hubby had saved some of the toys he played with as a kid, so she has a whole drawer of cars and action figures. We gave her our old plastic lightsabers, so she walks around dragging one behind her now. (I still need to get her a red one, so I can train her in the proper ways of the Sith while my Jedi husband is gone ) She loves to get dirty and run around. We work out a lot at home, and she lifts my 2lb weights with me. She has been showing a preference for pink lately, but we're okay with that because we all have our individual preferences.

I love having a girl, it's the most amazing thing to me. I admit I'm more comfortable with it because I'm used to the female body - I think I'd be a little lost trying to take care of boy bits for awhile!

I understand where you're coming from though - school is rough on the kids that don't fit the mold. Raise your child to be confident with who they are, and that differences are good. That's a shame about your nephew though!