Trouble in paradise...

[Catmumof4]

I had a proper breakdown last night how will I cope with 5! Tbh I think we will manage but my brain had other ideas last night. My partner has an ex wife and their youngest does nothing but scream from the min she gets here to the min she leaves, it's bloody awful, I can't stand her Nd it's making me and my partner drift apart it's heartbreaking but iv tried I really have. My children love everyone and are so accepting even they don't like her! His 7year old is a good girl she stays over occasionally and her and my oldest are inseparable.. I don't know what to do...

 

[angelbump]

Maybe try suggesting that when his daughter comes to visit that he take her out for the day? Gives your ears a rest and him quality time? X

 

[Beautiful11]

How old is his youngest? It really is hard..my now ex partner had a little girl who was 4 and she was literally like bam bam flying around the place! It used to drive me nuts but I suggest you say to him to take her out for a few hours on his own to give her that one on one time with her dad and give you and the other kiddies some Peace. Remember your hormones are super high right now creating your beautiful baby your going to have a shorter temper etc xxx

 

[Catmumof4]

She's 18 months, I tried suggesting that and he looked at me like I was an alien and basically said this is his home too, and yes I get that but my son has some adhd issues and had to live with his dad because too much noise /change etc makes him a little nuts nd I only get him every other weekend so I said no I don't want her here upsetting him and all that, he's welcome to take her out or whatever but I'm not happy upsetting my child... I no I sound such a cow bag but, I have soooo much guilt for having another child when one lives away from me that I try make it up to him when I have him xx

 

[LoraLoo]

She's a baby, they scream, its annoying,i get that, but shes probably missing her Mum and familiar surroundings. Can she not come for the weekends alternative to when you have your Son? Honestly if somebody said they couldnt stand my baby id be gone so im not surprised its causing a rift.

 

[crazylilth1ng]

How often do you have her?

Unfortunately you can’t reasonably ask your partner not to have his child over when your son is there, it’s not right to expect that. Neither child is more important than the other within the family unit regardless of how often they are there. It’s a crap situation really, especially if your son suffers from this girls noise but I just can’t see what you can do. You also can’t ask them to go out every time your little boy is home as that is not fair either. Honestly I think if you want this relationship then you will probably have to just suck it up till the girl is a little older and more settled.

I get that you are just blowing off steam and you are pregnant and emotional and I am sorry you are in this situation but when you get with someone with kids this is just how it is.

I hope you somehow manage to get some peace and quiet.

 

[Catmumof4]

I get that he wants her here and I no I'm awful but I said to him before all this I just got out of an awful relationship where I had so much put upon me to quickly, iv even said to him il go to my mums so he can have her here but even that isn't good enough. I have fibromyalgia and have had to come off all my medication I'm in withdrawal of the antidepressants and pain killers and just want to be left alone. I am trying to come to terms with a whole new life that if I'm 100% honest I didn't want another, I now love this baby but I'm suffering so bad. He keeps saying to me I just want to see my daughter, I reply see her then! I am happy to do anything for him but put up with un needed screaming I don't need atm I have tried so hard, e.g I play with her and she screams, I try talking to her and she hits me. My partner even went to the toilet and she threw herself to the floor and hurt herself and i tried to hold her and tell her he would be down in a min and the little cow bit me. I no I sound harsh but if putting up with that means the end of me and him then so be it.

 

[crazylilth1ng]

Let me get this straight... you offered to go to your mums and remove yourself from the stressful situation so he can have his time with his kid while you are currently unwell and struggling to deal with her and he said he doesn’t want you to go? That isn’t on at all if I am understanding it correctly. Just walk out and go if you need to.

You don’t sound awful, you do however sound quite poorly and under appreciated and like you are blowing off steam. It’s not normal to feel the deep dislike of the child but then you don’t have normal circumstances.

Maybe a break from it all is in order, do you have anywhere you can stay like your mums? Would your son be welcome there too?

 

[Catmumof4]

That is exactly it.. I just want out of the situation!! I will go to my mums and get out of the way so he can have her thats fine. But it's drama drama drama.

 

[ashlee23]

I just can't sympathise with this, I just feel sorry for the little girl in such a hostile situation! I understand you needing a few hours to yourself but for you and your children to openly say you don't like her is it really a wonder she's acting up? Can you not arrange for him to have his daughter on different days than your son and maybe actually put some effort in? Maybe all go out as a family? My husband has a child from before me who lives with us full time now, he has teenage strops and can be an absolute pain, just as my daughter can but I still treat him as my own and tell everyone he is mine. I discipline him as my own. Was it difficult at first? Of course. But one thing I would never ever do is act like he was any less part of the family. If you choose to be with someone with a child then that child is your family. Her behaviour seems to be very much your fault.

 

[crownest]

Hi first if all I have fibromyalgia and it exhausting never mind having to come off meds for pregnancy everything is worse your in pain , exhausted and emotions are all over the place. The LG is only 18 months and prob missing her mum so try to look at this as a temporary stage if frustrating stage. Can you say something like I love that you like spending time with your family but at the moment i find it overwhelming, I think that my son and your daughter dont mix too well at the moment that my son distracts attention from your time with your daughter and verse versa.... maybe add that you could do activity in morning for few hours park , walk, time at home etc and then you could go to your mums to rest with your son.

 

[Catmumof4]

I'm not exaggerating when I say she doesn't stop screaming, like at all. She makes herself blue and sick and I can't deal with it let alone my son. Please also note that my son gets violent when he can't express himself and I worry that his daughter will get hurt if my son can't cope. Also note that I didn't ask to be insulted and I have said that I try everything I can talking singing playing etc of course I'm not glaring at her or making her feel like I don't like her! I have tried removing myself from the situation and asking him to if I'm to unwell I can't walk far some days without my stick so make getting about very difficult. I thought this was a place I could get some help (I think maybe a walk will help thank u crownest) and just generally vent about the crap situation not be victimised.

 

[LoraLoo]

I haven't seen anyone insult you. People are just trying to get you to see the situation from the babys (and thats what she is, a little baby, not a little cow) and your partners point of view.the baby will pick up yours and your children's feelings towards her even if you are playing with her etc. There just sounds like there's so much resentment.
I understand you are struggling, people have just offered suggestions to try and bring you together as a family to try and make it easier for everyone involved . I really hope things improve soon and that you can get some rest.

 

[crazylilth1ng]

I don’t think people are insulting you, it’s just hard to see the way you have described this little girl as she really is just a baby and honestly not a little cow. BUT I actually do see your side too.

One of the things I look for when looking for a relationship is a man with no children despite the fact that I have them. I don’t see it as “double standards” I see it as my preference and it’s their choice if they want to take me and mine on or not. I am very happy alone if truth be told and if I were to split with OH I would probably stay alone. The reason I have this preference is the fact that I don’t want to deal with step kids/baggage/exes etc... I have mental health problems myself and am also often in pain and even though I cope with my own kids perfectly fine I suspect a step child may be too much for me as I won’t lie I do tend to find other people’s kids irritating. Maybe you are like me and if so maybe this just isn’t the man for you?

He will always put this little girl first because that is where she should be and you have to put your son and this new baby first and it sounds like the situation is not good for your own children or you. You sound quite unwell about it all.

As a first step to try to make thins work I would INSIST on going to your mothers when his little one is over despite what he says, just to give yourself and your boy the break and maybe eventually as she grows you will become more able to tolerate her. If he doesn’t support you in your efforts to make things easier again, is he the man for you?

 

[Catmumof4]

I see it from her perspective which is why if she isn't happy around me and my family I just want out of the way. Il go out or he can take her somewhere, I don't see why that is such a problem. I told my partner last night exactly how I feel about the situation (obviously in better words) and he gets it. It's hard being completely hated for no reason, my dislike of her didn't just come overnight. It's got to the point where I can understand if he left and gave him that choice last night, as u rightfully said if someone felt that way about my children I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them. We decided to have a phone consult with his ex who I actually get on alright with and even she gets it, I may have said things on here that aren't exactly pleasant but that's what I needed to rant and rave and then paste my smile back on and pretend nothing is wrong.. I don't need sympathy, I'm not looking for sympathy just needed to let off steam, and in amongst the digs there was actually some good ideas so thank u for them.

 

[smileyfaces]

Well if someone said they couldnt stand my child id be pissed off in all honesty. Instead of getting annoyed about it perhaps try to think of ways together (both you and your partner) to make things easier for the little girl whilst shes there. Im not surprised its causing a rift, you and your partner should be a team and tackle problems together.

eta: I dont think anyone is victimising you. This is a public forum, you vented and you should expect people to give their honest opinions in return. No one has been mean as far as I can see, just honest. I know what its like to have a screaming baby, my youngest cries A LOT and my 4 year old still does it! Yes it grinds you down but getting annoyed about it wont help that child feel less inclined to cry

 

[Catmumof4]

Thank u crazylilth1ng I'm very much like u this is the first man iv been with with children elsewhere and no I'm not sure it will work, his ex is still trying to get him back which sets my anxiety through the roof add to that his child that hates me and bam bad mix, his other daughter is 7 and she's Brilliant I take her shopping and she sleeps over iv commended her mum because her manners are impeccable! I just don't want to be near a child that bites and hits for no reason I'm already paranoid as hell I'm going to lose the baby I just want out of the stress x

 

[Catmumof4]

That's a fair point smiley he just passes her to me and I have to play/change her etc until I can't take any more. When I say I'm not happy about the situation I'm expected to fix it but I have no idea how but to run away tbh

 

[LoraLoo]

I think its just going to take time for her to get used to you. My youngest was all for me and would cry even if I went to the loo and wanted notbing to do with her Dad. But since him being off work over christmas and spending more time with her shes so much better, in fact shes turning into quite the Daddys girl.
I think if you put the effort in now and try and work together as a family, you could have a really good relationship with that little girl. You're carrying her half sibling so i dont think segregation is the key. I think you also need to explain to your other children how hard it is for a baby to be thrown into a new environment with people she doesn't really know, and encourage them to be more inclusive of her.

 

[stir crazy]

Hi hun, by the sounds of it this little girl has seperation anxiety. If she only sees dad and you on weekends in this little girls head her mom has left her with strangers who she doesn't know or has no real bond with,YET! (not like she has with her mom). the only way through it is more time with her and a lot of persiverance, i know this for a fact,ive been there with my son. But different a situation. It is hard work, the constant screaming will rattle your brain! But it will pass xx