TTC While Not Putting Pressure on Your Husband

[Lijsken87]

Hi Ladies...

AF just arrived today....much to my disappointment....This was our second month TTC...and had been REALLY hopeful since I had so many strange symptoms after ovulation.

However...it's not to be this month either.

I'm 26 and my husband is 30 and while he wants to be a Dad, I don't think he has the same longing that I have. I think it's the difference between male and female!

I am trying to stay sane...and I know it's very early days for us. (And I am aware that some people try for years to have a baby.) I don't want to put pressure on my husband....but he knows how much I want a baby.

So much question is....how...HOW do you do this...without making sex a chore? Without going completely nuts when the "Big O" is about to happen?

Last month while we were ttc...my husband had a couple of performance issues...and I know it was down to the fact that he KNEW I was about to ovulate and everything had been building up to this.

I don't want that to keep happening each month...because:
a) it's not very helpful while trying to make a baby!
And:
b) It's awful for him and he feels like a failure.

How do we keep a healthy balance between actively ttc and not forcing things?!

 

[Jbaby90]

I am feeling exactly the same way! I don't want DH to feel like we are only having sex to make a baby! He asked me last night if I could be pregnant and I said I don't think we did it enough during my fertile time and I explained how I didn't want to make it a chore and he laughed at me lol so I guess he doesn't feel that way but i can't help it!
Sorry I'm no help but would love to hear what other people recommend
Good luck and baby dust to you!!

 

[DobbyForever]

I keep DH out of my charting or AF schedule. This is our second month as well. We're both really busy at work right now so that world well in my favor. There just isn't time for me to bug him. DH and I BD on the regular though. We both have considerably high drives haha. Like right now he's out of town and we're both getting a little cray. But yeah, I honestly just don't tell him a lot. When it is O time, I (sorry if this is tmi) I know what he likes and can't say no to haha. So if the usual solicitation doesn't work I back off for an hour, chum the waters, and go in for the kill. And I know different positions might be better, but I think that kind of Oing for both of us is conducive to baby making so I don't push for anything.

So basically nothing about our sex life has changed from where he sits haha. And I just come here and b about my charts and temps and frustrations and the hundred dollar I spent on tests last cycle that DH still doesn't know about

 

[MrsLake2013]

me and hubby have been quite open and honest. He knows the days i take Clomid so he knows when I'm meant to be ovulating. Hubby has never had much of a sex drive (not compared to me anyway) but he has been making the effort for it to be more regular and when he knows I'm in my most fertile period, he is more than happy to do what he can.

 

[linz143]

We were ttc for 10 months before our BFP. If you think its bad now, wait until you've had multiple cycles where your timing is perfect and still no pregnancy... I literally almost ruined our marriage by stressing DH our month after month. He also got performance anxiety during the times when it counted because he felt pressured. He even told me that sex wasn't fun anymore and that it just felt like he was being used for his body.

My DH doesn't have a high sex drive to begin with either so that made it even harder. He was fine with once a week, but of course it was never during the right time. Finally he told me to stop with the charting that it was too much for him to handle that I was basically telling him exactly where I was in my cycle all the time.

I agreed to take that month off to help repair our relationship. We had sex once after AF was over (not in my fertile time) and then about 5 days later I noticed some ewcm and decided to take an opk. It was positive. That night I went home and didn't say a word about it. I just acted normal and then at bedtime put on a sexy nightie. He asked what the occasion was and I just told him that I was feeling a little frisky. We dtd that night and then not again for another week. 12 days after that positive opk I got my very first BFP.

So knowing all this and going into ttc again DH and I agreed that we are ready for #2 and that whenever I wanted to start trying I would go off my birth control and just not say anything to him. I don't tell him where I am in my cycle, I don't browse ttc forums when he's around, I don't tell him the status of my opk. Last time it only took one well timed BD to conceive (the day before I ovulated) and so I'm assuming it should work just as well this time. While it would be nice to BD two or three times in my fertile period, I've accepted that our marriage is more important than getting pregnant NOW so if one well timed BD doesn't do the trick then we just move on to next month. It WILL happen so I'm just trying to not stress him and me out about it.

My best advice is to stop telling him when you're fertile and accept that if you only get one good fertile day checked off that that could very well be enough and if it's not this month it may be next month. Good luck Hun. I know how awful it is.

 

[hopettc3]

I would just not tell him anything about when you're fertile. My DH doesn't have much of a sex drive, but when we decided to make a baby, he totally stepped it up. We have been BDing almost every other day. I made the mistake of telling him we needed to do it because its O time and he totally froze up. He said he can't deal with the pressure and deadlines! So now I don't tell him when I'm ovulating and do my best to get him in the mood!

 

[Jrepp]

I don't tell my husband much either in way of fertile times. He thinks all the mucus and whatnot is disgusting and in my trials I found that he is less grossed out if I dont' tell him. I basically just seduce him every chance I get and if he doesn't feel like it he lets me know. Of course we have been every other day last month and I got a BFP (ended in mc) and we have basically dtd every other day since I stopped cramping and bleeding.

 

[Keds195]

Hi I don't tell hubby where I am in my cycle only thing he gets told is when af arrives so he knows it's a no go zone and also when she buggers off so we can start bding again.it works for us xx

 

[Cheska]

Oh it's so tough! You end up knowing too much!!! My advice would be to not share that with your dh.

We tried for what seemed at the time the looooongest 9month in the world for our son.

We are ntnp this time round and I've just stated I would like us to dtd at least twice a week. Sometimes with work a week has passed with us just passing out next to each other too tired to even think about anything else. Hopefully neither of us will feel pressure like we did before. I secretly have my fingers crossed it happens sooner rather than later.

Babydust too all x

 

[TNT13]

I tell DH that his only job is to make a deposit, I'll worry about the rest. That way Im the only one who has to deal with the roller coaster of emotions. But he does keep an eye on me to see if AF came or not lol

 

[Marigold83]

Try sizzling things in bedroom around your big O. Like play smooth music,, lit some scented candles.. You are still very much newbie and dont let him know you are ovulating just tell him it is one of your fertile days .. I know how much pressure babymaking creates on husbands ..

 

[Lijsken87]

Thanks everyone...hopefully this month goes smoother!!
Fingers crossed....count down is on. Hehe

 

[Strudel]

I don't tell my husband anything regarding cycle. I want to keep things romantic and fun in that arena. I just go about business as usual so that we can "preserve the sexy!" I just joined this site today, and I'm so excited to have a place to vent on the baby-making! This is our first month of trying, and I'm so excited! Hoping for a BFP in time for Christmas!!

 

[Rickles]

I don't say a word...

Just quietly smile to myself when OH says "wow you're ready like now"...

Whilst thinking...
"That's not you and your moves darling - that's EWCM - Bingo!"

Good luck xx

 

[bumphope]

As everyone else said, I try to keep dh out of my cycles. He has also had a few issues when the pressure has been on, so I just don't tell him about it now. I find it hard to be honest because I like to talk about things and no one really knows we are ttc, but it will be worth it

Good luck x

 

[Jrepp]

I feel the same way. I let everyone know we were expecting last month and it ended in a miscarriage. No one had any idea we were even trying so it came as quite the shock.

I did discover though that after the first miscarriage, my husband has been an active participant in the whole opk testing and bding. Much more so than he was before.

 

[Lightupthesky]

DH and I BD (at least) every other day, regardless of the time of month. We both have pretty high drives, so it's not too difficult to stick to DH doesn't know when I ovulate, unless I leave an OP test in the bathroom, then he knows what time it is (the first time I used one, he didn't know it was an ovulation test, not a pregnancy test and was so excited to see the 2 lines!). We both try really hard to not let it feel "clinical". We never BD just to BD. If DH or I aren't "feeling it", we don't do it just to do it.

 

[Lijsken87]

Some of you are lucky with having DH's who like to BD a lot! For me...I am trying to think about which day I should try and secretly aim to BD while gearing up for the Big O.

I know it only takes one really good swimmer for a baby to happen....but also know that to increase your chances of falling pregnant you should try and aim to BD every second day during your fertile period?

I don't think this is possible for us...(sometimes it is...but sometimes not.) We generally only BD once a week on average.

Last month I used a OPK...so hoping that by using it again this month (and everything going smoothly for DH) we can have some success...but still...I'm sure that there won't be BD happening every second day.

 

[xnmd1]

I keep DH out of my charting or AF schedule. This is our second month as well. We're both really busy at work right now so that world well in my favor. There just isn't time for me to bug him. DH and I BD on the regular though. We both have considerably high drives haha. Like right now he's out of town and we're both getting a little cray. But yeah, I honestly just don't tell him a lot. When it is O time, I (sorry if this is tmi) I know what he likes and can't say no to haha. So if the usual solicitation doesn't work I back off for an hour, chum the waters, and go in for the kill. And I know different positions might be better, but I think that kind of Oing for both of us is conducive to baby making so I don't push for anything.

So basically nothing about our sex life has changed from where he sits haha. And I just come here and b about my charts and temps and frustrations and the hundred dollar I spent on tests last cycle that DH still doesn't know about

this.EXACTLY.

 

[Lindreed]

My husband doesn't seem to mind... Yet but this is only our second month ttc.... If anything at this point gets overly optimistic and that ends up bothering me. He comments on how " there is a baby in there" - he's a joker, and he is excited and full of smiles but I know my body and I don't like getting my hopes up for nothing. I often end up telling him to calm down so that I don't have to face a bigger disappointment. At this point he knows absolutely nothing about what ovulation is or cm or even how the female anatomy " really" functions but I guess it it better that way. He is oblivious and is open to having sex whenever I say " it's time we need to do this" lol. I have noticed it is way worse putting effort into bd whereas before we were so spontaneous. Now we always be in bed or at specific times so I can lay there.... If we aren't successful this month I am going back to our old routines. Quality of life is so much more important. What we have now is really amazing and so I would not want to place that at risk.