Unconditional Parenting

[Mum2b_Claire]

Hi all UPs, thought this would be a good idea ages ago but never got round to it!

I would love for us to have a place where we can discuss issues with each other without having to constantly explain what UP actually is. I have definitely been in need of a thread like this before, when our childminder terminated our contract ultimately due to us being UP and not wanting Ruby punished at her house. Had to go back to the book for a boost of reassurance we did the right thing in not relenting and letting her be punished.

Anyway to introduce myself, I'm Claire, I'm 29, I'm mummy to Ruby who is 3 in May and a bundle of energy and exuberance! We're expecting our second little girl in a few weeks time.

We don't reward or punish Ruby although the odd bit of praise slips in here and there. So, we don't rigidly UP but try and take it as an overall approach.

 

[Siyren]

haha i feel like ive been following you all night saying "so do we" etc lmao!
i'm sammi, im 23 and mummy to lyssa who is 2, and i love UP! we definately dont follow it rigidly- and ive definitely praised her before- but we def use UP methods, with some AP thrown in there too!
looking forward to getting to know everyone better,
im a little sick of explaining that punishment isnt actually necessary x

 

[buddyIV]

Thanks for setting this up Claire It'll be great to have a place to come where everybody is on the same page! I'm sure you've both experienced the same incredulous look when you try and explain what UP is, so it's lovely to have a bit of support.

My name is Rachel, I'm 32 and have an awesome little boy called Isaac who is 15.5 months old. I'm right at the beginning of all this, and have to confess I've not read Kohn's book (YET!!!) but I have read some articles and looked on his site, and I find his theories and practices very intuitive and will definitely be applying them. I have found myself giving praise to my son at times, but it feels very natural and appropriate...and is usually directed at major achievements (not just because he burped )

I'll probably have a bazillion question about all of this, and it'll be invaluable to be able to come here and communicate with you lovely ladies.

So, without further ado...question number 1:
What does your OH make of UP?

 

[Tacey]

Hello!

Great idea to have a thread on this. Thanks Claire!

So, I'm Layla. I'm 28 and have a little girl called Alice who's 2 and 4 months (to be precise!) and I've got another bundle of joy on the way who should arrive mid May.

When I read Unconditional Parenting, it was like something suddenly clicked for me. I had a wonderful childhood, but was praised for everything I did, and was told I was good, kind, considerate etc. By the time I was a teenager, my view of myself was a long way from this, but I kept up a happy persona, as I felt that was what people (even my parents) valued about me. That led to all sorts of emotional difficulties I'm still struggling to overcome.

Anyway, back in the present, UP suggested a way I might be able to avoid all that for my children. Alice is a very sensitive, empathetic child (which is wonderful, but challenging,) and I think the approach fits her personality perfectly. It's just a shame I slip up quite a bit. I've certainly been able to model how to apologise to her though!


Rachel - my DH is fantastic in that respect. He's not much of a reader, but once I explain my reasoning on something, he gets completely on board. In fact he's more militant about UP than me. I'm not bothered if other people praise Alice (although 'good girl' grates!) but he can't stand it!

 

[Siyren]

i must admit i detest "good girl" with a passion- on the odd occaision i do praise her- i definitely dont go for a generic "good girl"
its def refreshing to be able to chat properly to some people who understand! rather than feeling im constantly defending our pareting choices!

 

[Dragonfly]

Hi all I do UP also. Also inspired me to run a facebook page which has a lot of members to I think claire you are on it anyway. I love doing an Alfie Kohn day. Its hard though as I praise it only other family dosnt so I catch them praising for things I wouldnt and its starting to annoy me. Nice to see we can chat in here. I have also lost seberal personal friends over this as they cant understand why I dont punish and just didnt want to be friends any more.

 

[Miss_Bump]

Hello!!!

I know most of you anyway and im sure you know me, i find that i always 'like' posts by you lot

For those that dont... Im Vicky, nearly 28 (!) with a crazy 20 month old.

I love tea and biscuits and Evie loves counting and aquadoodle

 

[Dragonfly]

Nearly 30 here

when are you going to add me on facebook again!

 

[Miss_Bump]

Rachel, honestly... i dont tell DH i like to follow UP

I dont actually tell anyone as they think im some cold hearted hippy nutty woman who doesnt praise and doesnt punish

I do like the UP book but dont follow it to the letter. I think its a brilliant read but im more an UP & AP parent (to put a name to it) so i guess im UAP

I just explain to DH about how praise can actually be very negative etc and he trusts me and follows my lead.

I read LOADS about anything that inrrest me and parenting is a big one.

I dont mind Evie getting a bit of praise from my mum or MIL but silly things like when Evie cut a toother MIL kept going on about how clever she was. FFS that doesnt even make sense... being clever for cutting a tooth?!

 

[Miss_Bump]

nearly 30 here

When are you going to add me on facebook again!

added!!

 

[Dragonfly]

not got anything?

 

[Miss_Bump]

Add me

https://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=512263810

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

OH agrees with the basic no reward no punishment but does a bit of praise. In fact he is more on board that I thought he was because when the whole issue with the CM kicked off, he was excellent at explaining to her why we didn't want Ruby put in time outs when I was just too pissed off to speak properly!
He is a bit lazy sometimes though and the other day I heard him tell Ruby she couldn't have / do something 'because I said so'. Ruby's response was 'but why do you say so?'

My mum and her partner praise Ruby too much for my liking. I have been through UP with them, they mostly agree about still think it is important to praise. It just sounds a bit pointless and empty to me, Ruby ignores it anyway, and arrrrgh they have started to praise her for stuff like her eating all her dinner. Must have a chat with them about that.

When I was growing up I was constantly rewarded for academic achievements etc but as soon as I went to uni and had nobody to answer to I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I had no idea what I actually enjoyed or what I really wanted to do because I had been so hung up on my parents expectations.

 

[Dragonfly]

UP explained a lot of why I am how I am my mum was very conditional with me and I know how it made me feel and I never want my kids to feel like that and want them to have a great relationship with me. I was doing it all anyway just UP have me more insight. helped me with myself more than my kids.

sadly I will never live up to what my mum expects me to be and reward myself with food for anything. I was rewarded with food if i done certain things and never received praise though I was under praised so I have no self worth at all. UP does talk about underpraise.

 

[Miss_Bump]

OMG Claire ive just seen your ticker, that has gone so quick

I bet Ruby is very excited

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Tell me about it, I'm sure this one will be late like her sister though so a good month to go!

 

[Tacey]

Question for you all this morning ladies. I find myself describing Alice's behaviour quite a lot. For example, what made me think of this was that we've just had breakfast, and she said that she only wanted a little bit of milk so that there would be enough for Daddy when he gets up (we're running low,) and I replied, 'That's thoughtful of you Alice.' I guess this is praise, so probably not very UP. I'm going to go with it anyway I think! Is that something others would do? How do you think it fits with UP?

 

[Miss_Bump]

Hmmm, you could have said that daddy will be happy there is milk left so he can have his cereal/tea/coffee etc

I dont think it's terribly bad because she was being thoughtful and thinking of others


I have a question..

What about the use of 'big girl' or 'big boy' ???

DH keeps telling Evie she is now a big girl because we have changed her cot into a bed but I cringe when I hear it or hear people use that term

 

[Tacey]

Hmmm, you could have said that daddy will be happy there is milk left so he can have his cereal/tea/coffee etc

I dont think it's terribly bad because she was being thoughtful and thinking of others


I have a question..

What about the use of 'big girl' or 'big boy' ???

DH keeps telling Evie she is now a big girl because we have changed her cot into a bed but I cringe when I hear it or hear people use that term

Yes that's true. It's tricky sometimes isn't it? I think that's a time when I feel ok about straying from the pure UP approach.

I don't really like the 'big boy' 'big girl' thing, but then we're being very careful to avoid it at the moment, as Alice is uncertain of her place now the baby is coming. She's pretending to be a baby a lot, so I'm trying to be accepting of that without pushing her to be 'big'. On the other hand, I know many children enjoy taking on the role of being big, and in that case, I'd have thought it was fine. I think it depends on how it's being used. If it's descriptive, that's probably ok, but if it's to be coercive, or even to shame (Take that dummy out, you're a big girl now.') then I think it's more problematic.

 

[Miss_Bump]

Yes Tacy, it is not said in a negative way like your example with the dummy. It's just because DH kept saying how Evie was a big girl now it got me wondering.

I do worry that I confuse her sometimes tho as I tell Harry our cat that he is a good boy and Evie strokes him and says 'awwww Harry good boy'
Maybe I'm thinking into it LO much

I had found that if Evie pushes past someone she will say sorry and she has started throwing her soft toys on the floor and then saying 'oh no, poor Tigger' then will pick them up and say 'Tigger ok' and give him a kiss

Does anyone else child not like others crying? Evie gets upset when a baby cries and says 'oh no baby'