Unconditional Parenting
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Siyren
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thanks hun, i feel a bit better now i was starting to doubt myself!
S
Siyren
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hey ladies- long time no chat!
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I need some advice on hitting please ladies
Recently Evie has started hitting and I don't know what to do and find myself getting quite embarrassed too.
Example today;
We were at her rhyme time group and Evie usually wanders and hugs the other children but today she went right up to a little girl and hit her on the head. It wasn't hard but it was still a hit. I apologised to the girl and made she was ok and apologised to her mother too.
I said 'Evie we don't hit. It makes people sad. We use gentle hands instead' and she just kept saying 'hit girl, scratch girl' and again I explained how it makes people feel sad and gentle hands make them happy.
Then, a little boy fell over by Evie's feet as she kicked him
so I explained again how kicking makes people sad etc she kept saying 'kick boy' and trying to I over to him to kick him.
Do you think I shouldn't actualy say hit or kick because it seems that she is really picking up on these words and then wanting to do it
When she next hits if I just say 'Evie stop, let's use gentle hands' and not mention hitting etc do you think this would be better??
Recently Evie has started hitting and I don't know what to do and find myself getting quite embarrassed too.
Example today;
We were at her rhyme time group and Evie usually wanders and hugs the other children but today she went right up to a little girl and hit her on the head. It wasn't hard but it was still a hit. I apologised to the girl and made she was ok and apologised to her mother too.
I said 'Evie we don't hit. It makes people sad. We use gentle hands instead' and she just kept saying 'hit girl, scratch girl' and again I explained how it makes people feel sad and gentle hands make them happy.
Then, a little boy fell over by Evie's feet as she kicked him
so I explained again how kicking makes people sad etc she kept saying 'kick boy' and trying to I over to him to kick him.Do you think I shouldn't actualy say hit or kick because it seems that she is really picking up on these words and then wanting to do it
When she next hits if I just say 'Evie stop, let's use gentle hands' and not mention hitting etc do you think this would be better??
William has hit me and his brother, even the dog, He has never been hit he just gets annoyed and does it., Blue in the face telling him he cant do it 
he says sorry and hugs right away as if he has done it and realised its wrong maybe didnt know how to handle his anger, he dosnt speak very clear at all I keep telling myself its because he cant communicate in the way he wants to. He is a screamer to. Happy, sad for no reason just screams. Again we thought that would pass but he is 3 and still does it. I hope he calms down before pre school.
he says sorry and hugs right away as if he has done it and realised its wrong maybe didnt know how to handle his anger, he dosnt speak very clear at all I keep telling myself its because he cant communicate in the way he wants to. He is a screamer to. Happy, sad for no reason just screams. Again we thought that would pass but he is 3 and still does it. I hope he calms down before pre school.
Tacey
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I think you might be on to something with naming the particular action. Stop is a good, clear instruction. I'd definitely give that a go. We had a phase of this, and it's one thing I'm pretty hard line on. Before going somewhere with other children, I talk to her about how she needs to be gentle, how to deal with it if she's cross etc. If she then hurts anyone deliberately, I see if she wants to apologise, and I do too, then we leave straight away. I know that sounds a bit extreme, but it does seem to work. Generally, Alice's response goes one of two ways. She either screams and cries to go back, in which case I'm sympathetic, give lots of cuddles and so on, but explain why we had to leave. At other times, she seems delighted to go, which gives me a clue about why she behaved like that, then we can talk about other ways to tell me she's unhappy. I know that's not always a practical option for everyone, but it's been a very effective solution for us.
Hope the phase passes quickly!
Hope the phase passes quickly!
buddyIV
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Hi 
I've not really been on BnB much recently; toddlers are the gobblers of time!
Things are going great: we're experiencing some tantrums, but - bizarre as this might sound - I'm actually enjoying using the UP approach to dealing with them. I know there are certain things that trigger them, and do everything possible to minimise the potential. If there's no getting around it, I give LO as much affection, empathy and understanding as I can and I find that it really does help to calm and soothe him. It's so good to see that the approach that feels so natural to me is a good fit for LO.
I've also found just giving him a time-frame for things happening really, really helps. For example, if we were to just leave the park without letting him know our intention, he'd get really upset, but if I let him know we'll be leaving in 10, and then countdown, I find he'll come along happily. However, if he lets me know that 10 would be too soon, I'm happy to increase the time, so that he knows his feelings and desires are important too. He seems to enjoy being part of the decision making process, and unbelievably seems to understand the basic notion of compromise.
It's just nice to see him figuring out that he has a say in things, and learning that we're willing to listen to him.
I've not really been on BnB much recently; toddlers are the gobblers of time! Things are going great: we're experiencing some tantrums, but - bizarre as this might sound - I'm actually enjoying using the UP approach to dealing with them. I know there are certain things that trigger them, and do everything possible to minimise the potential. If there's no getting around it, I give LO as much affection, empathy and understanding as I can and I find that it really does help to calm and soothe him. It's so good to see that the approach that feels so natural to me is a good fit for LO.
I've also found just giving him a time-frame for things happening really, really helps. For example, if we were to just leave the park without letting him know our intention, he'd get really upset, but if I let him know we'll be leaving in 10, and then countdown, I find he'll come along happily. However, if he lets me know that 10 would be too soon, I'm happy to increase the time, so that he knows his feelings and desires are important too. He seems to enjoy being part of the decision making process, and unbelievably seems to understand the basic notion of compromise.
It's just nice to see him figuring out that he has a say in things, and learning that we're willing to listen to him.
Any UP-ers around to help? I'm really struggling with Ro's sleep atm (nighttime and naps), and his solids and BFing. He is still too young to reason with, so we've been removing him from whatever-it-is he can't have/touch/do with an upbeat, matter-of-fact tone and using distraction and cuddles for the outburst of frustration if there is one. That seems to be working really well. He's getting better at not touching things we say are hot or "don't touch" and his "tantrums" (I hesitate to call them that as they're so brief) are over in a few seconds.
Except for when I need him to do something rather than not do something. Sleep is the biggie atm. He seems to be going through the clingies, and I'm not sure if it's that or him maybe still getting over hand, foot and mouth he had last week (should be gone by now) that's disturbing his sleep. Or maybe he's ready to transition to one nap?
The norm used to be ready for bed from 6-6.15 after dinner (which he used to eat in his highchair but now refuses to be strapped into so eats wandering round), then a BF until about 7ish when he went into his cot awake but dozy and drifted off with me sat in the room but not doing anything. Same thing for his night waking/s. If he needed extra help getting to sleep we sang and patted his back. Now he needs that singing/patting on a good night, and on a bad night he gets hysterical with me, tries to climb out of the cot, screaming etc. I try just lying him down again every time, but he fights like a demon and I wind up not being able to put him down in a controlled manner and every time he gets up he deliberately bangs his head on the cot repeatedly in upset/anger/frustration. So last night on his first waking I tried gently pinning him down and not letting him get beyond hands and knees but that distressed him more. I was sobbing at this point so I woke DH who cuddled him for a bit (LO cried for maybe a minute then was suddenly really chilled and happy) then lay him back in his cot awake and he went to sleep with DH singing. Why on earth does he go down for DH but not me? Why is he suddenly fighting sleep like I'm trying to do something terrible? He's gone from one night waking to countless (maybe a dozen last night). I had to get DH out of the bath yesterday to get LO down for a nap, again he calmed down within a minute with him whereas he'd been fighting me for ages. He fights in his pushchair (where he has napped for many months), so I offer to cuddle him and let him nap on me, and yesterday got a split lip for my trouble as he threw himself around on my lap trying to get down.
He's also refusing to sit in his highchair, and generally not wanting much to eat, but demanding BF every hour or so (we were down to 4 during the day and one at night) and getting very grumpy with me if I put him off.
How do I balance not giving in to tantrums with responding to his cries when what the tantrum is for is my attention and getting out of his cot/pushchair/highchair/my arms?
Help!
Except for when I need him to do something rather than not do something. Sleep is the biggie atm. He seems to be going through the clingies, and I'm not sure if it's that or him maybe still getting over hand, foot and mouth he had last week (should be gone by now) that's disturbing his sleep. Or maybe he's ready to transition to one nap?
The norm used to be ready for bed from 6-6.15 after dinner (which he used to eat in his highchair but now refuses to be strapped into so eats wandering round), then a BF until about 7ish when he went into his cot awake but dozy and drifted off with me sat in the room but not doing anything. Same thing for his night waking/s. If he needed extra help getting to sleep we sang and patted his back. Now he needs that singing/patting on a good night, and on a bad night he gets hysterical with me, tries to climb out of the cot, screaming etc. I try just lying him down again every time, but he fights like a demon and I wind up not being able to put him down in a controlled manner and every time he gets up he deliberately bangs his head on the cot repeatedly in upset/anger/frustration. So last night on his first waking I tried gently pinning him down and not letting him get beyond hands and knees but that distressed him more. I was sobbing at this point so I woke DH who cuddled him for a bit (LO cried for maybe a minute then was suddenly really chilled and happy) then lay him back in his cot awake and he went to sleep with DH singing. Why on earth does he go down for DH but not me? Why is he suddenly fighting sleep like I'm trying to do something terrible? He's gone from one night waking to countless (maybe a dozen last night). I had to get DH out of the bath yesterday to get LO down for a nap, again he calmed down within a minute with him whereas he'd been fighting me for ages. He fights in his pushchair (where he has napped for many months), so I offer to cuddle him and let him nap on me, and yesterday got a split lip for my trouble as he threw himself around on my lap trying to get down.
He's also refusing to sit in his highchair, and generally not wanting much to eat, but demanding BF every hour or so (we were down to 4 during the day and one at night) and getting very grumpy with me if I put him off.
How do I balance not giving in to tantrums with responding to his cries when what the tantrum is for is my attention and getting out of his cot/pushchair/highchair/my arms?
Help!
O
Ozzieshunni
Guest
Have you thought about switching to a booster seat at a table and eating with him? Also, maybe he's going to bed too early so he's not tired?
Alex tends to get really uppity when he's teething or after he's learned something new. I hope it's just a passing phase
Alex tends to get really uppity when he's teething or after he's learned something new. I hope it's just a passing phase
Thank you for replying Ozzieshunni.
A booster seat is a really good idea. He did sit better at my parent's house where they have a little chair that straps onto a dining chair, though it can also stand on the floor. Only problem is we don't actually have a dining table or chairs
. The house has no space for them. Dammit I can't wait to move!! I might get him a seat like my parents have got and see if he'll sit on it on the floor.
His bedtime was set by him, he started falling asleep around 6.30-7pm most nights so we set his bedtime then. It did seem to mesh with what I read about a good bedtime for LO - apparently, counter-intuitively, later bedtime might mean worse sleep and earlier wakings? Not sure what age that stops being the case. He was sleeping fine a few weeks ago, just one night waking for a feed.
He has been sweeter the past few days, though still not quite his normal self. He could be teething, as you said, or maybe about to make a developmental leap. I really hope it is temporary!
A booster seat is a really good idea. He did sit better at my parent's house where they have a little chair that straps onto a dining chair, though it can also stand on the floor. Only problem is we don't actually have a dining table or chairs
. The house has no space for them. Dammit I can't wait to move!! I might get him a seat like my parents have got and see if he'll sit on it on the floor.His bedtime was set by him, he started falling asleep around 6.30-7pm most nights so we set his bedtime then. It did seem to mesh with what I read about a good bedtime for LO - apparently, counter-intuitively, later bedtime might mean worse sleep and earlier wakings? Not sure what age that stops being the case. He was sleeping fine a few weeks ago, just one night waking for a feed.
He has been sweeter the past few days, though still not quite his normal self. He could be teething, as you said, or maybe about to make a developmental leap. I really hope it is temporary!
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