Was WTT... but marriage on the rocks

[jj84]

Hi guys

I don't know about going away really. The only people that know on my part are the girls at work. I did go to stay with a friend when I first found out, and that hit him hard, as he phoned his friend up crying that I'd gone.

There is no grovelling. Just trying to act normal and helping a bit more around the house with cooking/cleaning than usual. And the onesie comment is still upsetting me. I wish I had reacted properly but I just silently cried myself to sleep.

We can't go on like this, it's like we're not together, just co-existing. And I don't feel like I could trust him to not do it again, as he said he wouldn't before and he did so, twice.

and two naked ladies in separate private dances. I mean, he loved it that much, he went back for more. There is no way I couldn't have crossed his mind, and he must have completely disregarded my feelings.

 

[loeylo]

Oh gosh that is terrible!

I am not against strip bars per se, I know my partner has used one before we met and had a dance, but he was only 18 at the time, on his first lads holiday.

Now that we are together, he has been out with his mates a few times and his friends have ended up in strip bars, he has always come home by his own fruition instead of joining them. I wouldn't mind him physically attending, but I would be pissed if he spent my money paying for what he could get for free at home.

It sounds like you have made your boundaries very clear. He broke your trust, and that is a massive deal.

With regard to the £50/£500 issue, why not go into the bank with him? As long as he is there, try shouldn't have an issue to discuss it in your presence.

I think the communication between both of you needs to be really open just now. You both need to talk, and more importantly listen - and work out if this is something that you are willin to move on from.

Good luck!

 

[MrsHudson]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I personally could care less if DH gets a lap dance and we've actually gotten them together. However, if you set that boundary then your husband should abide by it and respect you. The 500 (sorry in the US and can't do the sign) is a crazy amount of money and that would piss me off regardless of what it was spent on.

My advice to you is, if you know he didn't cheat on you (it is a possibility and I'm sorry to say that) I would strongly advise you to seek counseling.

 

[lisa1980]

Have you told him all this? About how he must have disregarded your feelings despite knowing how upset you would be.

What does he say to that? Is he using being drunk as his excuse?

It just seems from some of what you've said that he doesn't seem to get how much this is affecting you. Surely if he really understood that this was jeopardising his marriage he'd get on with the grovelling and explaining a bit more?

 

[jj84]

I have told him everything about how it made me feel. All he can say is he was drunk and he felt terrible.

Mrs Hudson, what do you mean about the cheating? With someone else other than the stripper, or do you mean, did he pay the stripper for more then a naked dance?

The bank have said they suspect fraud and it will take 30 days to look into it. I'm not so sure. He was worried that he had spent a shed loads of money before he saw the statement, if the dance cost £50 and he knew he had 2, why was he worried it was going to be more? £100 is about right and he said before he thought he may have spent 'hundreds' so he must have known about the 500, right? I have heard there is a lot of card fraud in these places though)

I just am so gutted our perfect marriage and relationship is going down this route. I never would have thought it possible

 

[lisa1980]

I think that if you feel that your relationship was perfect and worth fighting for then I'd seriously consider getting some couples' counselling to try and find your way out of this and regain some ground (and trust, hopefully).

I personally think the £500 probably was an error (or a scam by the club). Could it be that he was so drunk that he couldn't remember how much he had paid for things and hence thought he had spent a lot more?

 

[MrsHudson]

Mrs Hudson, what do you mean about the cheating? With someone else other than the stripper, or do you mean, did he pay the stripper for more then a naked dance?

Yes I mean he might have paid the stripper for a little more. I'm so hoping that it was card fraud and it definitely sounds plausible but I've known enough strippers (not by choice) to know what goes on.

I really truly feel so bad for you. My DH went out to a strip club in Las Vegas on a work trip but he for some reason felt the need to text me while he was there about how "gross the girls were". He does little things like that to make me not worry about it. I know if he did something I didn't feel comfortable with my entire world would come crashing down because I truly believe that's not the kind of man he is. So again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you told him what you feel and he doesn't acknowledge it and excuse me but, kiss your ass, then I really think you should seek some sort of counseling before you completely give up.

 

[Eleanor ace]

Ugh at his onsie comment, what is he thinking . I really would push for marriage counselling. It seems like either you're going to split up over this or stay together and brush it under the carpet, which really wouldn't be healthy. It is clearly affecting you a lot, your self esteem has taken a massive hit and the way you view your DH and your relationship has really been shaken. It is important to move on in a healthy way so that you can get back on track but at the moment your DH doesn't seem to be getting it.

 

[loeylo]

Just with regard to the money spending, I know when I come home from a holiday (or even a night out!) and I have been paying on my card, I usually don't keep a track of what im spending and can therefore be scared to Check my balance when I'm back!

Call me naive but £500 seems a bit much, even for the whole works? My friend was in Amsterdam and was offered the works for much less LOL!

Also, the bank machines don't work the same abroad and it can be impossible to get a mini statement like we get back home, so maybe he had been using the card to pay for lots of different things (dinner, drinks, travel etc) and was concerned as to why he had spent so much, so wanted to check the transactions when he got home?

 

[MrsHudson]

Just with regard to the money spending, I know when I come home from a holiday (or even a night out!) and I have been paying on my card, I usually don't keep a track of what im spending and can therefore be scared to Check my balance when I'm back!

Call me naive but £500 seems a bit much, even for the whole works? My friend was in Amsterdam and was offered the works for much less LOL!

Also, the bank machines don't work the same abroad and it can be impossible to get a mini statement like we get back home, so maybe he had been using the card to pay for lots of different things (dinner, drinks, travel etc) and was concerned as to why he had spent so much, so wanted to check the transactions when he got home?

I would say that depends on how high class they are...... I feel like I'm more knowledgeable than I should be to such things. I mean here in the US you can go to Vegas and pick one up for much much more if they are better looking.

I really hope this all works out for OP

 

[SpringCrane]

About the onesie comment... I don't know if this will help any, but my husband makes jokes even when he knows I'm totally pissed at him. It makes me crazy mad. BUT, I read a lot of marriage books when we were engaged, and the ability/preference to joke when having trouble in the marriage is actually listed in a few different books as being a really key aspect of healthy couples. I know it sounds weird, and it probably only applies when the couple has healthy communication habits anyway, but I just thought I'd put it out there. It still makes me nutty when my husband does it, but I know in my head that it's actually a good thing.

You asked if it was too soon to talk as it's only be 9 days since it happened (or maybe since you found out). In my book, 9 days is too long to go with not dealing with the situation. Have you tried talking about it and all he'll say is, "I'm sorry; I was drunk" or have you two not sat down and tried talking about it since? Would it help you to write a letter to him explaining how and WHY this is so devastating to you? Writing my feelings out greatly helps me express my feelings. Just a thought. Might help him, too. Keeps you both from being defensive when the other is trying to explain something.

Hugs.

 

[jj84]

Thank you again everyone.

He used cash for the rest of the trip. The only two things on his credit card were the £50 and the £500 in the club.... So he wasn't confused about how much he spent but he must have remembered paying on a card... he didn't even know which one.

We have talked and cried about it lots on the first day and the second day and I really said everything I felt and everything. He was sorry and has no excuses.
We hugged after the chat and I said I did still want to be with him, which he took I think to mean I am over it and will just carry on as normal. He even asked me if I wanted some champagne when something went well at work - I said I don't really feel we have anything to celebrate given the current state of play between us!

He went to bed early last night and I sat thinking about it and sobbing on the sofa for about an hour. I really can't see how bringing up our original conversations again could help as we will be going round in circles again.

 

[spicyorange]

I think you need to sort him down and tell him how you feel about it all, new the dust has settled but before you stew.suggest if he won't talk to you then you need counciling.You need to tell him you can't go on pretending it's all ok. I suspect the onesie current night be a misguided way to break the ice, an indication he knows things aren't ok but doesn't know how to deal with it or move on, so tries to make a joke?

 

[MrsHudson]

I agree with the onesie comment and that maybe he was breaking the ice. Half the reason my DH and I are still together is because we like to laugh and make fun of the things that we're angry about. Once we laugh together we can be calm enough to have an open and respectful conversation (we can both get pretty heated).

I still say seek a counselor. It's the best way to gain that trust back. And they can help you get to the root of the problem and not just keep you talking in circles.

 

[lisa1980]

I agree that rehashing the same conversation is pointless but it is probably worth putting the idea of counselling to him if that's what you decide to do, as it's crazy of him to assume he can say sorry and have no excuses and that you're just going to pick up where you left off. If he thinks that then he clearly doesn't get how upset you have been or how badly he has hurt you.

I'd also want to know how he's planning to try to re-gain your trust? How is he going to reassure you next time he's out for drinks etc?

I really feel for you in this and I'm so annoyed with your OH for putting you through it!

 

[whattoexpect]

I am really sorry you are going through this, it is just awful.

If your OH won't attend couples counseling, is there any way that you would be able to go on your own? To help you process how you are feeling?

If he doesn't think it is necessary then that is his decision, but why should you be left to sob on your own. And silently. If it were me, I would be loud. Why should he be sleeping peacefully while you are devastated at the current state of things (maybe that is just me)

I hope that you find peace in whatever decision you make - not that there needs to be one made now.

And I'm not really sure why you should be the one looking for other places to sleep? I would be kicking him out until I were ready to look at his face again.

(I am not one to just let things go - "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy")

Best of luck x

 

[jj84]

I'd also want to know how he's planning to try to re-gain your trust? How is he going to reassure you next time he's out for drinks etc?

I want to know this too. He said he wouldn't drink. Like that's going to happen. I think he's saying that and then hope it will all blow over.

He said he had no control over what he was doing as he was so drunk, and therefore, in my mind, it could quite easily happen again and that bothers me a lot. He's already done it again knowing how upset I was the first time.

Thank you for all your comments. I don't know how to approach the idea of marriage counselling with him

 

[MrsHudson]

If it were me, I would say we need to do this or I'll never be comfortable in this relationship again, and we might as well end it. If he doesn't take you seriously then I think it's time to move on. If he really does love you and wants it to work you, he'll do what you ask to make it right.

 

[lisa1980]

I agree with mrs Hudson. I'd be making it an ultimatum at this point. Why should he 'get away' with carrying on as normal whilst you are devastated?

If he really wants to move forward he needs to understand the gravity of the situation and be willing to work on fixing it. If he can't do this then I think that leaves you with little choice

 

[kksy9b]

First off, I'm sorry that you are going through this. What he did, given that he knew your feelings about it, was inexcusable and disrespectful to you and your relationship. Whether he was drunk or not, he is absolutely, 100% of the time, responsible for his actions. If he can't handle his liquor, then it is on him to drink more responsibly.

However, it is your responsibility to tell him how you feel about this. I know you mentioned above that you didn't know how bringing the conversation back up would do much good....it will make ALL the difference in the world. Go around in circles if you need to... yell or cry or vent or whatever you need to do so that he hears and understands where you are coming from. That's part of being in a relationship. I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as a "perfect" marriage. It does not exist. You have to work through these trials and tribulations together. You have to learn how to communicate with one another. Holding things in and brewing on them does nothing but harm yourself. Your husband is accountable for his actions but so are you. Sitting downstairs while he is sleeping and crying and brewing and feeling like things are over is just as inexcusable. Both of you are creating a wedge in your relationship and someone has to make the first step to repair it. It's not fair that it would be you since he hurt you, but sometimes you just have to bite down and do it.

Remember that this is someone you LOVE. Someone who you have made a commitment to spend the rest of your life with. That is worth fighting for- that is worth making the first step to repair things between you.

I don't mean for this to come off as harsh or judgmental. I'm just trying to offer you advice. My husband and i have been together 11 years and married for 7. Without a doubt, communication is what has kept us together so long. If you take divorce off the table, then what you are left with is talking with one another and working through your issues. We don't allow each other to walk away from an argument. What we have discovered is that what we are fighting about is very rarely REALLY what we are arguing about. There is always a deeper issue. A deeper vulnerability that has been hit and the other person is going on the defensive to protect. Most often, that comes to light in the heat of an argument and we can work on the REAL issue. Maybe what is bothering you is not the actual act of him getting the dances but that it makes you feel inadequate. You mentioned that you have struggled with self confidence... maybe what you really need to move past is for your husband to SHOW you how beautiful he thinks you are and how much he loves you. But he's not going to know that unless you talk to him. People aren't mind readers.

Not knowing you, obviously, but I don't feel like this is an insurmountable, marriage ending issue. It's a test of your marriage. One that when you get through it will only make it stronger. Hang in there- talk with your husband. Not just about the actual act but about how it TRULY makes you feel. Tell him what you need from him to move past. I think counseling is a great suggestion so that you can learn how to speak with each other. There is no harm in bringing it up- you said that he wants to move on and make things right... let him know that his is how he can do it. Please do not let this sit any longer... the longer it goes the more you'll resent him and the harder it will be to trust him again.