We won't ever afford to be parents (vent/rant: very upset tonight)

[PnkPolkaDots]

Hey all.

I was here ages ago and the past year has been a whirlwind. First, I got pregnant unexpectedly and miscarried. A few months after, we started trying again and got pregnant, then miscarried again. Since then, we've done NTNP, a few times trying, and lately we haven't been using protection because at this point I simply don't know. I feel like a few years ago I had that optimistic naivety of someone in their early 20s, but now we're 28 and 29 (in March), and I feel like being closer to 30 has me thinking with a lot more logic.

Right now, we're engaged and living together and somehow making things work financially. We're able to pay our bills, but not much else. We have a little bit in savings but it's mostly leftover from when I still lived with my parents and put most of my paychecks into savings (thankful I did that when i could). Right now, we can't afford a lot into savings. Most months I put maybe $10 or $20 into savings just for the sake of "putting something into savings and not pulling from it." Financially, I'm scared. A few nights ago I had an anxiety attack from worrying so much about it and had heart palpitations and felt like I couldn't breathe.

I work as a reading assistant part time and love my job, but it's a 1 to 1-1/2 commute (one way) and is part time. I make okay but not great wages. OH's job is the one that worries me. He has a degree in urban studies and has done temp work in the parks and rec area and just last summer was a park ranger. Despite this background, right now he delivers pizza right now. I know that not making much money hurts him. We don't need to be rich, but we want kids so bad! Being a mother is the only thing I want in life. He wants kids so bad too. I see him get sad when he sees dads with kids out or when a sweet commercial with a dad comes on, and it breaks my heart. We've also planned on me being able to stay home when we do have kids. I would be willing to sub a couple days a week to help supplement our income, but we've always planned on him being the one who is the primary breadwinner.

I hope nobody thinks this comes across as being whiny, but I really don't want us both working 50+ hours just to afford the basics in supporting a family. I don't have a workaholic mindset, and I just know that being away from my baby all the time would devastate me. Even worse... I work in education, so it seems pointless to me to be away from my own child all day so I can be with other people's kids!

I guess the whole point of this is... I'm scared to death that we'll never be able to afford a baby. We don't own a house. We don't have a ton in the bank. We've both been out of college for 5+ years and I feel like our window for the big break is over. I really don't have any faith in him getting a better job. When he graduated, it was the height of the recession so pretty much all jobs in his field were laying off. Now, I feel like he doesn't have enough recent stuff. I feel like any job in his field would go to a new grad (fresh out of school so everything is current), or someone with loads of experience. Being a mom means too much to me to just shrug and say, "We just won't have kids - oh well!" It isn't even the matter of being able to get and stay pregnant. Given that we were able to afford a baby, we could go to a fertility doctor, and if that still didn't work, we could look into other options like surrogacy or adoption. But I feel like we just won't ever have enough money. To me it seems like, whatever you have in your late 20s is what you get. Like, this is as good as it gets. I have friends who got married around 25, bought houses, and have husbands who make enough money that they stay home with the kids (and they still have nice things!). I just feel so stuck, like we'll be living paycheck to paycheck and renting our whole lives. Honestly, the living paycheck to paycheck and renting our whole lives wouldn't even be that bad if we were somehow still able to be parents. A life without children just seems so useless. We love each other and have a great relationship, but the idea of never having children just makes life feel like it isn't even worth living to both of us.


Thank you for listening (reading). I'm really sorry if I sound whiny, but I am just so upset and feel at the end of my rope. If you don't have anything nice to say, I politely request that you just don't reply at all. If you can relate, have any tips, suggestions, or words of encouragement, they would all be greatly appreciated. I'm sure I'll be back on the upside of my emotional rollercoaster soon, but today is just a down day.

 

[Kitteh_Kat]

First off, !

If he isn't too choosey, check to see if there are any insurance jobs in the area. I worked for one of the major companies, made a really good wage plus benefits, and the main requirement was a degree and some customer service skills. It's usually not a field people think of when looking, but it's interesting and pays well (even the hourly jobs weren't bad and still provided benefits).

There are also ways for you to make money while you're home. I made over $1000 last year just doing surveys for research companies and universities. And that was just doing a few here or there; if I had applied myself more I would have made more. You could also look into watching another baby/child.

Have you looked into jobs that are closer? Over an hour commute for a part-time job doesn't sound all that great. Is there anything closer that might pay a little bit better so you can save up more?

Honestly, babies are mostly as expensive as you make them. There are sometimes things out of your control, but you don't need all the stuff advertised for them. A safe place to sleep (a lot of people co-sleep), food to eat (breast is free, you can get generic formula pretty cheap, and then you can do baby led weaning where they eat what you eat), some clothes (I buy $1 gently used name brands from Goodwill), and healthcare (if you're struggling baby will probably qualify for government coverage).

Hopefully you guys get it figured out!

 

[kksy9b]

I remember you from a couple years ago and I am very sorry to hear of your losses and financial struggles.

Do you and your DH use any budgeting tools? There are great free ones out there like mint.com where you can start tracking every dollar you spend. You can set goals and it will help you work towards them.

Set a reasonable budget and stick to it. Look for any areas that can be trimmed (ie- my DH and I dropped cable several years back. We have Netflix, rabbit ears on the TV and stream shows online instead. We saved $80/month doing this). Take the difference and start packing into savings. Once your expenses are under control you will get a realistic picture of what you need month to month. If you have never looked into dave ramsey, I've linked it below. He offers a very realistic approach.

https://www.daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

Income wise, I agree with the pp. Commuting an hour and a half for a part time job isn't very realistic (unless you live in the boonies and don't have a choice). Could you look for a second part time, or a full time position closer to home? Even if you decide later to stay home, the extra income will go a long way in making that a reality. Take every dime of the second job and pack straight to savings. There is no shame in delivering pizzas. You have to do what you have to do. But I would encourage your DH to look for a second job or a better paying one- again, tucking everything away into savings.

I would build an emergency account as a "just in case" and then figure up what it will cost for baby. I agree with pp list but would add a carseat to it. As a point of reference, my DS is 10 months old and we spend approx. $100 a month on him (we are in the midwest), but this not all "needs." We could get away with 60-75 if need be.If you have at least what you budget for baby going into savings, then there is no reason to wait.

I'm sorry again that things are rough right now, but you all WILL get through it! I lost my job in the recession. I was able to find another but took a 15k paycut. Right after that, my DH left his, very well paying, job due to stress. He moved over to an area he had zero experience in, literally making nothing (like, literally...it was 100% commissions). We had 45k in student loans and a house payment. We started budgeting, very carefully watching every dollar, saving any extra. I was still in grad school but took a second, saturday night job for extra money. My hubby starting cutting 10 of our neighbors yards. We shopped aldi/save a lot for food and saved a bunch. It wasn't easy and far from glamorous. 6 years later, we are completely debt free, including a mortgage (though we are about to move and take a new one out), we have an 8 month emergency account, we have our 10 month old son who I get to stay home with. My DH's job supports us and we save about 45%of our income annually. I've been there. Desperate for a family but having to wait. Take control of the situation, and do it as a couple. It really can be fun working through this if you do it together. Good luck sweetie

 

[MissMcCoy]

I feel you.

When we were young we messed up our credit quite bad...

Up until lately we have not been approved for anything.... and when we were is was at a very high interest rate.

Well this winter our tractor broke and we needed a loan to get something to clear snow.
We ended up taking out a mortgage on our home and property (10 acre land and an old crumby 2 bedroom trailer) So we paid off a bad loan we had. We paid off the high interest truck. We bought a bobcat and paid money down on my car.
Then we were getting offers for lines of credit and credit cards anything.... So we didn't know how good our credit had come along.... You know, we maybe should have done things a bit different and brought in a house with that...
So anyway we called the bank and the person started off saying we would have to pay that off first... then changed her mind and was saying MAYBE... She said that it would be easier to buy a whole new place... I don't want to do that... I like where I live! I just want a new house here!
So were going to go see our own branch... Hopefully they can work something out for us. Im not holding my breath though...
I just have dreams about making a perfect little nursery and everything... I don't want my dreams crushed.
I want this so bad. I hope we can shuffle things around.

 

[xstitcher87]

First off

I know how you feel, My Husband and I are 5 years out of University and we're turning 28 this year and I panic sometimes about affording a child, and we're not even TTC until mid 2016!! We also don't own a house or any significant assets, we have some savings, but not much.

I have a pretty decent job, although it isn't the highest paying gig ever, but comes with flexible working hours, 12 weeks paid maternity leave, and is relatively low stress. My husband was a security guard for a while, the pay wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. I second some of the others and suggest perhaps a different industry you haven't thought about before, like insurance I'm in Australia, so I can't really suggest anything different!

As for saving money, we're committing to that this year, so it is budget time! You can make a pretty simple budget just using an excel spreadsheet. There are great money saving tips everywhere on the net, some we like, some didn't really work for our situation etc. One thing I have found that works really well, is meal planning. I have a weekly plan of our Breakfasts, Lunches and Dinners + Snacks, and I only buy what we need, occasionally stocking up on basics when they're on special (like tinned tomatoes, tinned beans or lentils etc). It has the added benefit of helping us with healthy eating (another TTC must).

We figure, that as long as we pay our bills and have food on our table, everything else is optional (including internet, mobile phones etc). We don't pay for tv at all

I wish you good luck and fortuitous job opportunities!! My hubby had been trying for 5 years to get something and now he's going to be a police officer He leaves for training in 2 weeks and it will make baby/house saving a whole lot easier once he's graduated.


https://lt3f.lilypie.com/YXJK.png

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Welcome back, I remember u from before.

I felt similar to u in that I thought we could never afford it and then I thought sod.it we will make.do and go without other stuff to make it happen, I now still worry about money but that's more about how il afford childcare to go back to wor, if u rnt going bk u eliminate that problem.

Also u don't stick with what u get in ur late 20s, I met my oh when he was 30, he lived in a Ttiny 1 bed flat and was in a job he'd just fell into from uni 10 years before that. Not long after we got together he was made redundant, crap situation but he got a pay out, not much use without a job though, luckily he found a job and with his redundancy put a deposit down on a house, it was a renovation project but it was a start, he ststayed in his job for a while then found a new one but that didn't go to plan and was made unemployed for 6 months. He got another job last March, I fell pregnant in April. We have just bought a 4 bed end terraced and he made around £10,000 profit from doing his old house up.
My point is ur never to old to improve ur life, 3 years ago I was unemployed just out of uni, a year ago my oh was unemployed with a mortgage to pay, now we have a house together, 2 cars, a baby, and both in jobs, we aren't well off but we make do. I just figured I'd rather go out of this world having brought up children and been happy but msybemaybe struggled with money than go out wishing I hadn't been so bothered about money.

Also just want to reiterate what someone else said, babies are really as expensive as u make them, I got sophie reusable nappies, I breastfeed, bought her secondhand good condition clothes, realistically there are very few 100% essential items for a baby, everything else is personal preference I.E. Changing table (use a mat on the floor), moses basket (use a carry cot on a moses basket stand, moses basket and stand new costs around £50 I bought carrycot (new) and second hand stand for £15 total) be thrifty

 

[PnkPolkaDots]

Thank you ladies. I'm flattered that some of you remember me from before.. I remember your names as well.

I had a really bad night when I posted. I still feel worried, but have calmed myself down a bit. We went through all our expenses and our monthly income, and to my surprise our expenses only take up about 75% of our income! That even includes non essentials like internet, cell phones, netflix, hulu. It just made me feel so much better to know we aren't using 100% of our income on basics. Now it's just to work on a budget plan to get expenses down even more, and to crack down on things like coffee and dinners out. Thank you for the tips!

The "babies are as expensive as you make them" thing is so true. I agree that I'd rather live my life having had a baby but struggling a bit with money than being well off and not having had a baby. Emotionally, not having a baby just isn't an option for me. If someone could look into a crystal ball and tell me I would never be a mother in this life I'd be crushed. To me, life doesn't seem to have any meaning without being a mother. While all the fancy baby things look fun, and all the pricey clothes are cute, I'm not materialistic and am just fine with using hand me downs and going without things like a changing table.

Thank you so much again! I'll probably be hanging around here again.

 

[itsnowmyturn]

Also bare in mind that u will get given stuff, we were lucky enough that someone gave us a co, my mum is buying us the mattress for it and ohs dad bought us the pram, all the new clothes she's ever had have been given to us except for a few baby grows and sleep suits we had to dash out and get because 0 to 3 months buried her (still do at nearly 7 weeks!)
The bargains u can get from things like eBay is amazing too, ppl buy things and either hardly use them and sell them on cheap or their baby loved it so much that they've looked after it well and u get it cheap.
I also made her some bits like a blanket by crochet, it's the best used blanket she's got, the others just aren't as good, plus everyone always comments on how pretty it is, I'm currently working on another one for her. I have to say my changing table has been amazing but we got it cheap on offer, there's no way I'd pay full price for it.
Just always remember ppl live to their means, u adjust Without even realising that u havE. I can't actually remember the last thing I bought sophie because of using reusable nappies and breastfeeding, I think it might have been some disposables for this weekend as we're at relatives houses, but other than that I haven't needed to buy anything because everything she needs 100% is either free or already paid for.

 

[xstitcher87]

Glad you're feeling a bit more optimistic!