What are your thoughts on...

[FJL]

Gender disapointment. Mods, if you don't think this is appropriate I totally understand. This is a very controversial topic and one that really upsets me.

I first off just want to say that if anyone does have feelings of GD to please not take my or other peoples opinions personally, I don't mean to offend but just feel that I really need to get this out.

So I read an article today on gender disapointment. I stumbled across it and although the very thought of reading it upset me, I wanted to understand why people could feel this way. In a way it is like a kind of depression like PND, and I, a sufferer of depression am very understanding but in my situation I just cannot get my head around this!

I won't post the link because the place where the article is, is also another forum like this one (this one is much better, I only go there for the articles ) so its not fair for me to post it I don't think, but if anyone wants me to, I can copy and paste on PM or on here if a mod allows it.

ANYWAY, so as the name suggests, gender dissapointment is where a parent is disapointed with the sex of their child. Eg, a mother might feel like she can only connect with a girl and becomes depressed and sadend by the thought of having a boy. Or a family might have 2 girls and a 3rd girl is born and they're 'disapointed'. For those of us long term TTC I think it is especially upsetting because we would give our right arm for a healthy baby of ANY sex, and for someone to be blessed with pregnancy and birth of a healthy child multiple times to complain REALLY shits me!

On the other hand, I know you can't help how you feel, but I just can never imagine feeling this way. I think children are such a blessing and a complete miracle, one that many take for granted.

It doesn't help that people encourage it either. My sister has a 2 1/2 yo daughter, when she was pregnant again everyone said 'I bet you're hoping for a boy' which upset her because 1. they didn't care about the sex, just the health of their child and 2. she knows what we're going through and how lucky they are to have 2 children. She ended up having a girl and she reckons anyone that asks her if she is dissapointed will cop it!

So what are your thoughts and feelings on this?

 

[coccyx]

Annoys me too. Every child is a blessing and a precious gift. When we had our third daughter 'people' (not close friends or family) would comment that they thought we were hoping for a son. Annoyed my oh more than me. We know that baby i am carrying now is a boy , But as i said in another post we really, really did not mind what the sex was,, and no we were not trying to see if we could get a boy! My hubby has a wonderful bond with his 3 princesses and he hates to think that people think he would rather they were boys.
When your journey trying to conceive and keeping hold of a pregnancy has been difficult, you are less likely to make flippant comments about needing to have a certain sex.

 

[Linzi]

I suffer from depression as well, and Ive learned to understand that it isnt my fault and its just one of those things that happens. Its a chemical imbalance so maybe this 'gender disappointment' is a bit like that... people can't help but feel like that because of an imbalance, PND or whatever.

I personally think that regardless of having a boy or girl we're blessed, because I know what some people have to go through to have children quite closely. My mum and dad tried for 13 years to have my little brother.

Im not quite sure if Ive explained myself properly :s

xxx

 

[dakini]

I can see totally understand all of this. I too suffer from depression, and understand that that's a chemical thing. But, desperately wanting a girl or a boy before PPD is a little different. I had a co-worker that was trying and both of them only really wanted a girl. I told her that if they had a boy I felt sorry for that boy.

I know that DH and may try for a third child if we have 2 girls first, but then we've always said we've wanted 2-3 kids anyway, so we may try either way. The problem we have is that my FIL really really really wants a boy to carry on the family name and my DH is the only boy...so it's up to him. I think FIL would be happy with either, but would like the name to continue (DH is the 13th generation in the province that we live in so it would be special). Personally, I'm happy with either.

I think the problem comes into play when parents only really want a certain sex, and their child is the other. Then all types of resentment can come into play and affect child-parent relationships. I think it's so unfortunate. Many people just don't seem to understand that children, no matter if they're girl or boy, are miracles and need to be appreciated for themselves.

Ok, hope I didn't step on any toes and that I explained myself well. I know I haven't been trying for long, but I have been getting the "you have to have a boy" speech from my FIL for years...my response has always been "talk to your son!" to which my FIL looks confused and his wife (DH's StepMom) just says "I'll explain later" (she's a nurse). I just want to tell him sometimes that if we don't have a boy, then it wasn't in the plans for the family name to carry on, but be happy he has grandkids to carry on the blood! I mean, my parents only had me, and my Dad was the last of his name, so the name dies with me...and I've already changed my name. I think my Dad accepted that and was happy that he has such a wonderful daughter (if I do say so myself! )

 

[Samantha675]

I really do want a girl. I am a total girlie girl and would love to have a little girl to share that with. Now if I end up with a boy, will I be disappointed? Yes, but I know that disappointment will only last the half second it take for me to look into my child's eyes. As long as my baby is healthy, it does not matter. I think people who are disappointed in the long term with the sex of their child need to work on something. Now, if I end up with a house full of boys, I do think there will be something in raising a girl that I will miss. But I don't think I would call that disappointment.

 

[Suz]

Wow....I could never imagine being dissapointed with the sex of my future children....I would gladly take one or the other... Pink or Blue I just want to be a mom.

(By the way, I understand everyone so far )

 

[Mojo]

i think samantha is right in that if you are disappointed with the sex of your child then you are children for the wrong reasons. if you really love your child it doesn't matter whether they are girl or boy.

i feel really sorry for women from cultures that pressure them to have boys. a friend of mine has 2 girls and does not want anymore children and her in-laws are constantly nagging her to try for a another (a boy that is)

 

[Serene123]

I can't put into words what I think about this without pissing everyone off but I think if you had two boys it would be NICE to have a little girl and you may be mildy disappointed when you know it's another boy but you'd get over that eventually.

 

[spcsharpsgirl]

My sister suffers from this.. she knew she only wanted 2 kids.. she landed up with 2 girls. Its not that she doesnt love her girls she just wants a boy. she has had her tubes tied but she got pregnant just this last sept but lost she was sooo upset cause she feels like she cant have her boy.

 

[Mynxie]

I'd rather have a child than no child, regardless of gender or abilities

 

[Tam]

I just think a lot of people take pregnancy and being able to have kiddies for granted, so they get carried away with the whole sex of the baby and what they want next etc.....there are many people that do not personally know people who are trying to have a baby for months or years, and definately do not know what you go through. It is all down to ignorance most of the time and just taking it all for granted. If people had to go thru months or years of BFN's then their expectations and hopes would certainly change.

As for the medical side of it, well there is nothing that 'they' personally can do about their feelings, that is not their fault.

I am blessed with one of each.....I had no preference, but as my sister turned out 2 boys, I thought I was going to be a girly maker

My sister not knowing anything about struggling to get PG.....really wanted a girl, and said she may continue to 'try' until she had one! She left her 3rd baby as a suprise so never found out the sex til the birth, but she had anxieties about not loving the baby as much if it was another boy etc she drove herself nuts and her feelings scared her...........Now I know she would have loved that baby just as much either way, but she did get the little girl she wanted.

My Great Nan always used to say (which passed down to my Nan, and then my Mum) "You wouldn't care if it was a wet kipper as long it is healthy"! And they are so right! A baby is a gift, and yes it is natural to have feelings and preferences for things, but they should be put into perspective and we should all be greatful for what we do get in life, especially if we get blessed with children!

 

[Wobbles]

Difficult topic ...

I wanted Caitlin to be a boy BUT that was because everyone said I would have a girl & I wanted them to be wrong Very happy with my lil girl joke aside I can only answer some peoples ways and thoughts discust me but I know my opinion is stronger because of 'my' history ... TTC losses heartache etc just can't see the other side of it! When we TTC again I'd really like a boy but that would just be nice I wouldn't be sad because I had a girl also we decided 2 was our fullstop and if #2 isn't a boy we're not going to go for #3 I love my Caitlin I will love my next nomatter of gender Im privilaged to be a Mummy thats all that matters along with them being healthy happy loved and cared for.

 

[PitBullMommy]

It bothers me too. My friend found out she's having a girl and she and her DH BOTH broke down and cried cause they don't want a girl. I'm sure they'll love her and stuff, but..they're both VERY upset. They found out almost a month ago and haven't even thought of girls names cause, "maybe the US will be wrong". Makes me sad for the poor baby.

 

[coccyx]

Pitbullmummy, I find that quite upsetting.I hope their daughter never finds out how they reacted. They have been given a precious gift and need a kick up the backside! I think people are so used to getting what they want in western society that they can't cope when they are given something else. I can understand hoping to have a particular sex but to express disappointment like that is awful !

 

[PurestFeeling]

I'm hoping for a boy I don't really know why, maybe it's more so that I think it's a boy but if it turns out to be a girl I will be just as happy and thrilled. I just want a happy healthy baby.

 

[NeyNey]

It's hard for people to understand who can fall pregnant so easily, just what it's like not to be able to.

It's like someone wanting to buy a house on the beach, but their partner wanting a condo in the city - When most of us would just be grateful for a new home without the bills! It's a matter of taking what you have for granted.

Personally I don't care what sex I have, as long as he or she is healthy - I just want to be a mummy

 

[wannabmum]

I understand all points of view on this matter, however like some of you I also get really upset when hearing people moan adout the fact they are not having the sew they are "hoping" for due to our long term ttc issues we know the only hope of us ever holding our own little miricle lies with fertility clinics and needls, although I think what the other girls are saying is right in the fact the biggesyt problem with this issue is people taking the miricle for granted!!

xx

 

[Hope22]

This is interesting, not a topic I've ever really thought about before but now that I see it, it makes sense. My mom was in mid-divorce when she found out she was pregnant with me, and she wished for a girl but only because, in her words, she felt she would do a better job raising a girl because she used to be one! She said she would have loved a boy, but might have had more trouble understanding some of the male parts of growing up if she had to raise him as a single parent. Luckily I was a girl, but since my stepdad came along when I was very young it ended up a bit of a moot point anyway

The day is coming when couples will be able to select their future baby's sex, eye colour, hair colour and more, and I don't doubt there will be plenty of people who want to have 'designer children'. Myself, I just want a baby. We would love and cherish a boy or a girl, or twins, all we pray for is that s/he (or they) is healthy and happy.

My husband once told me that no matter what sex our child(ren) is (are), he hopes they'll want to play hockey, but I've told him that he may end up with a boy who does ballet or a girl who wants to become a mechanic, and he's going to have to accept them for what they want and who they are. I know no matter what, he'll love them to death, but he might experience a little 'hockey disappointment' if they don't want to don jerseys and follow in their dad's footsteps

 

[RachiePachie]

I understand this from different sides.

I personally don't mind what I have as long as he or she is healthy - however, we would like a boy because my husband is last in line and he has already got a daughter (who is now 13) - but I think it's so easy to see it from all sides really. On the one hand you have the fact any child is a miracle and on the other there can also be a preference when you already have children etc. It's a difficult one to stand on one or the other side.

 

[kimmyjane84]

I'm another one who hasn't really thought about this... But now that I've read your posts I thought I too would post my thoughts.

My friend is currently expecting her first child with her partner and they are having a boy. They both really wanted a boy as soon as they found out they were pregnant, but they said all along that a girl would be loved just as much.

I already have a 10-year-old step son and me and my OH hope to have another two together. In an ideal world I would love to have a girl and then a boy. However, regardless of what combination of boys/girls we have I will just be happy to of created a new little life.