What can I do now to help with the prospective adopter process in UK?

[silverbell]

Hey everybody.

We're 1 failed DIVF away from going ahead with adoption and I've been reading more about it.

I know it can be a long process and I just wondered if there is anything I can do now that would help if we do start the adoption process? My husband has some credit card debt and I read somewhere yesterday that this is the sort of thing questioned at a Panel. Also after the DIVF we won't have any real savings to speak of ... will this be another black mark?

The one thing that's really worrying me is that my DH has zero experience with children and my only experience has been with my younger brother who was born when I was 11. We've had no child contact other than that and I'm worried that will look bad.

Furthermore, this may sound a bit strange to most but we have no real friends that we meet up with etc. We're both very much in love and spend all our spare time together - we've never been much for friends and although I have a lot of online friends, I don't have any friends offline where I live (and am perfectly happy with this). I'm worried this will look bad to a Panel with regards to a local support network? But at the same time I'm not really sure how to change this, as this is my nature. We spend a lot of time together.

It's sad that you don't have to think about any of these things if you manage to TTC naturally, but I just wondered if there was anything we could be doing now that might help us further down the line with the adoption process, either in relation to the above or if there's anything else I'm missing.

 

[Loski83]

I wouldn't worry about the friends too much if you have family that can support you, maybe start trying to do things in your community to meet people. You and your husband should maybe volunteer at a play group or after school clubs this way you would get more experience with children and you would meet people that could become friends. Could you survive with only one of you working and still pay your bills and provide for a child if you can start trying to get ways to show this, if you can't then you would need to pay off some things first.
The one thing I can say is that all the hassle to get through adoption process is more than worth it. The fact you's have a strong relationship will help you through it good luck with it all.

 

[zero7]

Hi Silverbell -

As Loski says really! You don't need to be debt free but as long as its manageable and decreasing (and not massive!).
My hubby and I did some volunteer work at a local pre school nursery. It gave us the extra experience we needed and we thoroughly enjoyed it! We would just do a couple of hours a week for about eight weeks, this was deemed to be enough by our LA.

The adoption process is an arduous one and you do feel like you are constantly jumping through hoops but there are ways around the hurdles and your SW should help you through. Ours took about 2.5 years but that is long and things are supposed to be getting better, also all LA's differ in efficiency. There is also the VA route (voluntary agency) for you to consider.

Also totally agree with Loski about a strong relationship and the result of the process being so worth it. We adopted a little girl of 12 months - and she is the best, most wonderful thing that has ever happened to us - ever!!!!

 

[Lolly1985]

Hi Silverbelle

Very sensible to be lloking into things now as there is of course a lot to get your head around.

We have debt and managed to pay it off with help of family, but it wasn't a no, it was just that it would be looked at throughout the process. But if it is small (ours was large-ish) and you have surpluss each month then there is no real concern.

I would look into getting somne childcare experience going forward. Local children's centres, playgroups, nurseries would be happy to have the extra help. It would also extend your support network too as you would be mixing with others, and others in a situation that you hope to be in soon - as a parent!

They will love the closeness of your relationship, but a healthy balance is likely to be questioned in terms of time together and apart. It seems so unfair doesn't it. But our closest friends are family (DFs sis and husband, cousins - there are many!), oh, and our neighbours. Most of my friends live 400 milkes away as I relocated 4 years ago. But we speak a lot by phone and internet. Do you have family? They will want to know who will help if baby is ill, DH is away and someone needs to get calpol. Random secenarios but true. The online support is very much noted, I have spoken all about my online friends with our social worker and she is very happy I can relate to others in the same situation.

I am sure you are aware that there is a 'grieving period' between failed treatment and starting the adoption process. This varies, but is usually 6 months minimum. I of course hope your treatment works, but if sadly it doesn't, spend that time wisely. Lots of time with hubby, switch off for a bit and recharge. If you feel strong enough within that time you can also start to broach things a little. Ring around LAs and VAs and get some info packs, find out how they differ, go to some info evenings and meet their SWs. Do some reading and set up some placements for that kiddie experience.

I hope that this hasn't offended you because I do hope you get your baby, but adoption is a wonderful thing, look at our yummy mummies Loski and Zero. They just couldn't be happier

 

[silverbell]

Oh wow you guys. Thank you all so much for such useful information, as well as for not laughing at me. I felt a bit stupid to be getting a bit ahead of myself and felt like I was intruding a little as well, as it's not the guaranteed path for us yet.

I will certainly take everything you say on board. It seems volunteering is the way to go. I have to say that at the moment we're definitely not in the right frame of mind to be doing this as we're actively avoiding children and I'm very tearful around them, but I realise I'm in a sort of grieving process after all our failures and that I'm grieving already ahead of our second attempt. Yes I did know about the 6-month gap and I'm pleased for it. I think during this time after a month or 2 of getting our heads together would be when we would start looking into volunteering. Is that easy to do though when you both work full-time? I guess I'll find out somehow. I do feel that being with children will be much easier once we know which path we're going down.

We moved 140 miles away from family to live in a nicer place 7 years ago ... so no family at all by us. Saying that, my parents are hoping to move to where we live this year but nothing concrete yet.

DH does go out a couple of times a week to play his sport, but other than that we're together. It seems crazy that I may have to take something up just to tick a box

Thank you all so very much - you've really been lovely and it's so wonderful to see you with your children

 

[Lolly1985]

It really is crazy Prior to our medical and lifestyle session I worried about what I did to keep healthy. I was spinning out my active job, walking, even thought about talking about how I am active and go on the wii etc!! In the end I thought stuff it and started zumba and tae bo and now I love it!!

 

[dreamofabean]

Hi silver bell,
I think it's really sensible for you to look into adoption in advance Hun. We did the same. One thing we did was attend an adoption open evening just before our final icsi. We told the sw we weren't ready to proceed but were intetested. I think it went in our favour when we applied that we'd looked into it all a year before. It also helps you gain a better understanding so I'd definitely recommend it!
As for the rest, you will be fine. Dh has no child care experience other than his niece but they don't seem worried.
As lolly said, I really hope treatment works for you! If the worse happens please believe that it gets easier, this time last yr I was a wreck, a year later I'm strong and moving forward, extremely excited to start our journey.
At first I was frustrated at the 6 month after treatment rule, I understand totally why they do it now. I needed that time to just breathe and pick up the pieces x

 

[silverbell]

Hey dream. I think I recognise you from Deb's journal??

Thanks so much for your reply and yet more helpful advice. I spoke to DH and we're going to see if we can attend an open evening prior to the IVF. It wouldn't hurt and like you say it might look good in the long-run for us should it come to this and also it will undoubtedly educate us a little more on the subject.

Thanks so much!