What kind of insensitive things were said to you?

Discussion in 'Premature & NICU Babies' started by sunnylove, Oct 4, 2013.

  1. sunnylove

    sunnylove Well-Known Member

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    My overbearing, divorced, can't-cut-the-umbilical-cord-from-her-son mother-in-law was a terrible NICU grandparent. Just to give you some examples...

    She was absolutely obsessed with his weight. Everyday she'd ask my husband what he weighed, and whenever he was almost to the next pound, for example, if he was 2lbs 15ozs, she would sigh and say "Ugh, I thought he'd be 3 pounds by now," same if he was 3lbs 15ozs, 4lbs 15ozs, etc. Even when he was 6lbs 15ozs! "Ugh, I thought he'd be 7 pounds by now!"

    DS tested abnormally for a sex condition that almost all preemies test positive for because of certain proteins due to low birth weight. They rarely ever have the actual condition. When MIL heard that he tested abnormally, she said, "Does this mean when he grows up he's going to be gay?" and then mentioned her brother, who recently got a sex change to become a woman and said, "I wonder if that's what my brother has?" My son, of course, ended up testing negative for it.

    She was talking to my DS in NICU and said "You're going to come over to Grandma's and tell her how awful mommy and daddy are to you!" He wasn't even home yet.

    She had said that one of my son's nostrils is going to be bigger than the other because of the feeding tube that *I* made him wear, and that when he's a teenager he's going to blame me because of his "deformed" nostrils.

    She said "If he had been born on time he probably would have been 9 pounds." Not something you say to a mom who gave birth to a 2 pounder.

    Do you ladies have any stories like these?
     
  2. TheNewMrsB

    TheNewMrsB Harry's Mummy

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    The one I have had twice - once to my face and once when I was absent was 'arent you/ bet she is glad he wasn't 8+lbs, now that is painful'

    Yes I am so glad my son came 5 weeks early, spent 2 weeks in hospital and I had to go through an inducted Labour stuck on my side with them loosing his heartbeat all so I didn't have to birth an 8lb baby!!

    Your MIL sounds like a real peach though
     
  3. vermeil

    vermeil Mom to 27 week wonder+DD

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    I actually searched through my old posts to find this one. Ok so when people say you're lucky you missed out on the yucky parts of pregnancy they`re not being intrinsically mean. BUT it`s still quite insensitive. I would have given my two arms for my son to reach even 30 weeks.

    I remember someone telling me at the grocery store 'oh you`re so lucky your pregnancy was brief and you didn`t get too big!' I replied casually 'yeah, so glad I missed those last 3 months, and all my son has is brain damage, paralysis on one side and partial blindness! Was SO worth it!'

    aaaah... the look on her face... I discovered that day I have a mean streak

    ps update my son was diagnosed with a brain bleed and partial paralysis. After a year of intensive therapy all signs of paralysis have disapeared. He`s a bright, happy three year old. so HA =p
     
  4. AP

    AP Well-Known Member
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  5. jandksmommy

    jandksmommy Well-Known Member

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    Our little one came so early (23 weeks) that the neonatal team gave us her odds of survival and severe developmental and health issues then made us decide if we wanted them to try and save her (not a fun conversation while in heavy labor). Anyways, the worst thing ever said to me was this... "I'm not sure you made the right decision, it might have been kinder to everyone if you had let her go"... During her 1st few months, watching her struggle and suffer, I sometimes wonder that myself but for some one to actually say it to me!!!
     
  6. ihave5boys

    ihave5boys Well-Known Member

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    My 33 weeker was 4 12. I had people tell me, i hope my baby is that small. Them knowing he was a preemie. I said i would have rather had a healthy 8 pounder who didnt have to stay in the hospital and was oerfectly heathy to come home with me, that shut them up.

    But later did have a couple 8 lbers and a 9 lber he was stuck in nicu for gettung stuck.

    Vicki
     
  7. SjandPeanut

    SjandPeanut Well-Known Member

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    My son was in NICU as he had group be strep septicaemia. I was told:

    What's a big lump of a baby like that being with all the sick babies.

    Two weeks of sleep you lucky thing. Most new mums would kill to have their babies looked after for the 1st two weeks

    You're lucky. The 1st two weeks are the hardest and you got to sleep.

    Oh so you passed him the infection? Do you feel guilty when you think he nearly died?

    To my son ' your bad mummy is a liability making you sick like that'

    Will this baby be sick as well or can they give you a good scrub to stop the infection being passed...

    Have you thought about ways you can make sure you don't infect this baby?

    All or these can from my OHs family members...
     
  8. maybenumber3

    maybenumber3 Well-Known Member

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    I was told pretty much the same exact thing...my Dr even recommended at 20 weeks to get a medical abortion.....some of my family even refused to acknowledge he was even born till after his first birthday....he's 4 1/2 now a very bright little boy :) he has hearing aids but other wise healthy
     
  9. Princesa7

    Princesa7 Well-Known Member

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    Granted my son is 13yrs now but he was born at 29.5weeks 3lbs 4oz had to be intubated due to his lungs and had to spend a month in the NICU....I used to get sooooo ticked off when ppl would say "well atleast you get to be home for a month and get rest/sleep/relax" I'd be like no I'm at the hospital daily til midnight seeing my baby as much as I can and when I'm not there I'm home stressing,unhappy w/out my child and constantly calling to check on him!
     
  10. sunnylove

    sunnylove Well-Known Member

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    One thing that always bugged me was when people referred to my baby as being sick. Like, I understood to some extent he was "sick," but not really. When my brother was in the ICU due to a car accident, you wouldn't say he was "sick." My son had no issues with his lungs, brain bleeds, PDA or anything. He was just tiny.
     
  11. Princesa7

    Princesa7 Well-Known Member

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    Oh yeah my grandma was big on saying that,it drove me nuts!! Plus she'd tell people that my son was sick,I remember telling her to quit saying that to ppl when they would ask her about him,I'm like he's just little and has a minor breathing issue (wich he was only intubated for 2days) and just needs to keep his temps up and gain weight!!
     
  12. Reba

    Reba Momma to Z

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    "Oh you lucked out and didn't have to go through the last few weeks of pregnancy which are SO uncomfortable"
    (OMG I was really enjoying being pregnant after 2 years of trying I actually mourned the loss of my pregnancy)

    "Oh aren't you glad she came early? She would have been HUGE!"

    "It must have been such an easy labour because she was so small"
     
  13. sunnylove

    sunnylove Well-Known Member

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    I have seen on Facebook, at least three pregnant people in the last couple months complain about their pain and wishing they delivered early!!! One even said "I hope I have this baby several weeks early because I cannot deal with this pain!" OMG ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
     
  14. vermeil

    vermeil Mom to 27 week wonder+DD

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    bleh. I'm 32 weeks along with number 2. I try to avoid the third trimester forum. The majority of posts there are ladies complaining. I know they`re just venting, I know they are actually happy to be pregnant. I have insomnia too, heartburn etc. But it does bug me. I would have given anything to reach 30 weeks.

    In one thread I tried to sound encouraging and said 'I'm actually happy to have made it this far!' and people said I was guilt tripping them, I had no right to put them down like that, I was condescending etc etc. whoah. So now I just avoid all such discussions :shrug:
     
  15. Princesa7

    Princesa7 Well-Known Member

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    Wow ppl be tripping out,thats so rude! I know after my 1st being 2mo early and then having my 2nd 10yrs later I made it to 35weeks wich I was soooo happy and grateful for...even tho I ened up with gestational diabetes,horrible swollen feet and more weight gain I was happy not to have my 2nd be in the NICU and I would be willing to go thru even more the 3rd time around!
     
  16. sunnylove

    sunnylove Well-Known Member

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    Exactly. I would have given my right arm to carry my baby to term. People just don't get it...
     
  17. vermeil

    vermeil Mom to 27 week wonder+DD

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    Exactly!! I thought the same thing. It`s been 3 years and ladies complaining of being uncomfortable, or that the birth wasn`t picture perfect still bug me. I try to be zen about it but mostly just avoid them altogether else I think I'd smack someone :haha:
     
  18. sunnylove

    sunnylove Well-Known Member

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    It's ridiculous!! We also had a TON of people tell us "You're exhausted now? Ugh, just wait until he gets home. All he's going to do is scream." At a time like this, this is what you choose to say to us? My husband had a co-worker who was, almost everyday, telling him how everything would change when baby got home (and not necessarily for the better), and basically saying how we are lucky we didn't have to take care of him yet. Like, do you not realize how I would kill to have him home and screaming his head off, than in the hospital?!

    Truth is, we are much more relaxed, way less stressed, and not nearly as exhausted now that he's home!!
     
  19. Feathers

    Feathers Mum of 2

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    My parents were the worst actually. We nearly fell out because they insisted on sitting at the hospital all day despite the 2 visitors rule being quite strict (understandable given space/ illness in the unit) and then berated me for not sitting with them all day because I didn't understand their needs. Not that I didn't visit with them but they wanted to be there for the entire day with her. My poor OH!
    Also when we had trouble breast feeding (DD was fed through a tube and then could not suck or latch so we ended up teaching her to feed with a bottle) my Mum pointed out several times how she would never have considered ruining her child by bottle feeding them and how I'd just quit on her. Despite the fact we actually did it on medical advice.
    Comments (like the above) about how nice it must be to recover without having to look after your child (actually I'd far rather she had been home thank you).
    Also I had many accusations from my parents that we were letting the medical staff there neglect her and harm her by not treating her (again rubbish, the staff were fantastic and her care was seriously amazing).
    All in all they made a horrid situation a thousand times worse and I'm still bitter about it now. All they cared about was their feelings. Not about how my OH and I felt with a child sick and unable to come home. Not about how we couldn't hold her for a while because of infection risk and breathing problems. But that their perfect grandchild experience they had dreamed of was ruined. Sorry. I still get angry about it.
     
  20. ttc126

    ttc126 Mom of Boys

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    I got those comments too! "Oh its nice at least you get to sleep and recover!"

    Umm no. I was sleeping in the parking lot of the hospital so I could see my son and be available if the nurses called and we lived too far to go back and forth multiple times a day. Soooo restful when you're passing baseball sized clots in various hospital bathrooms and can't even get a shower because you'll miss a procedure or a visit with a specialist etc. Soooo glad I got to do that!

    The other comment I get is "wow you're lucky you missed the last month of pregnancy! You didn't have to gain as much weight!"

    I would rather gain 100lbs than have a baby in the nicu.
     

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