What NOT to say a few days after someone has had a mc

[wantababybump]

After my m/c my supposive 'bestfriends' (whom Im not friends with anymore over alot of other stuff that happened) said "well at least you can have more" and "you are still young" it made me feel so shitty because I already knew I could have more and didnt need them to tell me so. Ive also had "Well at least you were only 10wks if you had of m/c further along it would have been much harder". The same friend that said "well at least you can have more" gave me a card on New Years eve when we exchanged gifts (I had my m/c December 25th) that read: "To Percilla, Shawn and baby [hehe] to think this time next year you will be a happy family of 3!" I was very upset because she didnt even think twice about looking at the card to make sure seeing as though she obviously made it out when I was preggers. Some people.

 

[honeybunch2k7]

Oh yes how could i forget this one- "I bet you got an abortion."

Yes, someone really did say that to me.

 

[honeybunch2k7]

My fiance's sister looked at the pictures of our son, (m/c but delivered at 18 weeks) a few hours after I got out of the hospital and she just tossed them on the table and said "thats so gross" I tried to hit her...

How dare she? I'm sorry, and I can't say I would've acted differently.

 

[Gabi]

Some people can be really insensitive. I don't know if they're doing it on purpose though. I pity some people with what they say about a m/c. For someone who hasn't had one they cannot begin to imagine what it's like. To them if you loose the baby at say 8 weeks it's not so bad because you didn't get to know it. Nonsense! By that time we've already dreamt of who they'll look like what sex they are what their name will be what they'll do in life.

A few that I can remember that got up my nose. "Are you ok??" "I'm soooooo sorry." I had one person who was once a friend of mine say "I'm sooo sorry you must be feeling aweful!" Umm thanks for rubbing it in!
My mom annoyed me with her "Oh it's not the end of the world" speech. The director here at work nearly got a stapler thrown at him when he told me not to dwell on the past. This was my first day back at work after my D&C.

The one that annoyed me the most was "It was God's will" Now explain to me this. How does that work? If it's his will why the heck did he bless me with a baby to begin with? Why go through all the effort?

"Everything happens for a reason" was another one.

I go alot of them. They were well meaning but at the time they were tasteless. I read an article in my one pregnancy magazine about a woman who's had 6 m/c in 2 years. She shared her views on what you should and shouldn't say to someone. It was quite an interesting read.

Her most useful advise was. "If you don't know what to say. Don't say anything. Don't sit there trying to come up with something nice and helpful to say. Being quiet and allowing me to get through it on my own works just fine."

 

[Uvlollypop]

oh my reading this thread brings back some memory's for me...

when i found out Skyela's heart beat had stopped at a scan (29weeks) the consultant turned round and said where you trying for long or was 'it' a mistake-because i was 18 about to turn 19 at the time, then everyone referred to her as 'it' even when i was giving birth the midwifes were explaining to me how small 'it' would be and that 'it' may not look like what id expect a new baby too look like... i was like no 'its' a she and she has a name..anyway they were wrong and she was huge @ just ove 6lbs so what do they know!

and with my missed/m/c the second time over it was 'well at least youve been here before you know what to expect' dont worry your young' you got pregnant too soon after losing skye' all sorts of nasty comments..
the d+c was the worst 'evacuation of the products of conception' 'removing the tissue'

i have photos of skye up -scan, after she was born and when i had her home after the funeral, and a few people have asked me to cover them up because its photos of a dead body...

i refuse to put my babies away in shoe boxes they existed

people dont think, sometime i feel like saying to people like that- ive had my pain yours in in the post-


-----sorry for long reply im not sure where all that came from:S--

 

[Uvlollypop]

on the other hand i had a handful of very helpful friends....i might start s thread actually what too say to someone after a loss......

 

[honeybunch2k7]

oh my reading this thread brings back some memory's for me...

when i found out Skyela's heart beat had stopped at a scan (29weeks) the consultant turned round and said where you trying for long or was 'it' a mistake-because i was 18 about to turn 19 at the time, then everyone referred to her as 'it' even when i was giving birth the midwifes were explaining to me how small 'it' would be and that 'it' may not look like what id expect a new baby too look like... i was like no 'its' a she and she has a name..anyway they were wrong and she was huge @ just ove 6lbs so what do they know!

and with my missed/m/c the second time over it was 'well at least youve been here before you know what to expect' dont worry your young' you got pregnant too soon after losing skye' all sorts of nasty comments..
the d+c was the worst 'evacuation of the products of conception' 'removing the tissue'

i have photos of skye up -scan, after she was born and when i had her home after the funeral, and a few people have asked me to cover them up because its photos of a dead body...

i refuse to put my babies away in shoe boxes they existed

people dont think, sometime i feel like saying to people like that- ive had my pain yours in in the post-


-----sorry for long reply im not sure where all that came from:S--

First of all, I'm sorry that people were so insensitive to you. I was also asked by a staff member if Oh and I were trying. I got the feeling that maybe they think it won't matter as much to lose a baby that wasn't planned. Other than that I don't see the point of asking whether a baby was planned or not.

 

[Uvlollypop]

and also they dont see early losses dont matter as much as late ones i felt like my last m/c was whitewashed over because it was 'early' and 'normal'

 

[honeybunch2k7]

and also they dont see early losses dont matter as much as late ones i felt like my last m/c was whitewashed over because it was 'early' and 'normal'

They gave me stats on how common it was, as if that made me feel any better.

 

[Uvlollypop]

yeah they did that to me too.... not helpful

 

[MimiUK]

because my loss was though an ectopic in my right tube, people have tended to focus on the medical aspect of things and not aknowledged that i have lost a baby too.

i go back to work next week and am very afraid of telling people why i have been off as i dont want to hear all of these comments.

DP and i work together too so i know he would prefer us not to tell anyone other than my boss who had to know for time off.

I dont think I will tell anyone but at the same time it makes me fell like i am ashamed of what i have gone though.

 

[Uvlollypop]

you shouldnt feel ashamed of what youve been through at all!! these are the negitive things people can say, you will be suprised about the positive things people can say/do

bottling things inside will make you feel worse.....

 

[shadowsilk]

one thing I hate is: OH MAYBE it's for the best. well u do have enough kids be happy with what you have~! you dont need another one!

 

[cheeselover]

I agree with UVlollypop, you will be amazed how people react. I went back to work on Monday and the support I received was just so positive. You will be surprised at how many women have been through the same thing and offer their support. The first day is the worst and then it gets easier. I know you need to protect OH's privacy (you said he'd prefer not to tell anyone) but you also need to grieve, which may include talking about it . Go with the flow and if you need an understanding ear, go for it.

 

[FJL]

I just can't believe how insenstive people can be. I've never been through a m/c but a good friend of mine has had 3 and I cannot believe the comments she has had to endure.

Even my Mum who had a m/c before I was conceived seems to think its a 'blessing in disguise' because your body is rejecting an unhealthy baby but if I had a m/c I wouldn't want to hear that! A loss is a loss and how or why it came about is just not relevant...

 

[maddiwatts19]

I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

 

[sleepinbeauty]

I hate the ones where they say "well you're way too young anyways" "it wouldn't ruined yor life" "it was a sign from God (or whoever)". I've heard these directed towards a few of my friends and I fucking LOST it. we even once got "you didn't want it enough"

FUCK THAT.

sorry for my language, but I'm so pissed off about this.

 

[shadowsilk]

I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Omg thats ... just wrong!!!!
ugh!
I wanna stab her for you. can I please?

 

[maddiwatts19]

Omg thats ... just wrong!!!!
ugh!
I wanna stab her for you. can I please?

Hehe!! Yes ofcourse you can!!
Thank you!!.
Shes a bad mother anyway!! Grrr!!!

Sleepinbeauty, i'm 19 and ive had all the "you were ruining your life anyway" with my first miscariage, so i completely understand what you mean!

xx

 

[shadowsilk]

Hehe!! Yes ofcourse you can!!
Thank you!!.
Shes a bad mother anyway!! Grrr!!!

Sleepinbeauty, i'm 19 and ive had all the "you were ruining your life anyway" with my first miscariage, so i completely understand what you mean!

xx

oi now my dads not understanding.i hate that./