What NOT to say a few days after someone has had a mc

[shampain]

Ladies, I have no experience of what you have gone through....but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Hope that hasnt offended any of you. x

 

[Hevz]

Ladies, I have no experience of what you have gone through....but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Hope that hasnt offended any of you. x

Thank you babe. I've never found "I'm sorry" upsetting. After all, that's what I say to people in similar situation....what else can you say?

I just wish they'd stop there instead of saying "it was for a reason" etc

 

[WelshGirl]

Ladies, I have no experience of what you have gone through....but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Hope that hasnt offended any of you. x

Thanks hun xx

Like Hevz says, I don't find "I'm sorry" annoys me....it's what usually follows that!!! Like when people ask "Are you ok?".....WTF??!!!

xxx

 

[JASMAK]

Hmmmm..I thought I replied to this post before. I had a few really hurtful comments. We have had two ladies at work who have had one miscarriage each (one was her first pregnancy, the other lady had two previous abortions, but this was her first "wanted" pregnancy). After my second miscarriage, one of my co-workers told me that he didn't feel sorry for me after my miscarriages, because I already have children. That was quite painful, and made me feel like I had no right to feel upset, which I clearly was (I took a week off work after each miscarriage).

Another comment which I find hurtful, and I get it from a number of people who know me well, or not very much at all...and that is my daughter is special needs. She has ASD. When I m/c I have had a similar comment, which is along the lines of..."well, why would you want more kids when you already have a disabled one", or, "you probably lost that one because it was like your daughter, so it's for the best"...which, the second one REALLY bothers me, because it implies that I don't want my daughter. I could have a MILLION of my daughter!

I have also had the "just be thankful you have two kids", and "it was for the best" bull shit comments too.

 

[chrissie33]

The one that sticks in my mind (though perhaps I am a bit sensitive about it) was when I was talking to a relative after my first mmc about the statistics involved in mc - I made some comment that I have been told 1 in 4 pg end in mc - she replied yes, but 3 in 4 dont..... that really hurt me at the time as that made me feel a whole lot worse.... why couldnt I be one of the 3 in 4 instead of the 1 in 4...... it still bothers me a little but I think the key thing is that people who have not had a mc have no idea what it feels like.....

 

[Kaelia67]

Some people are just insensitive twonk's sadly and other's are just so wrapped up in themselve's they have no idea what you are going through.
I hate the usual one's: Oh well at least you have children already, or It must have happened for a reason.. also, well at least you can get pregnant.
Most of the negative comment's I have had, have been from people who (A)Don't have children or (B) People who have never gone through the ordeal of a MC or still birth.
If they have no understanding of how it feel's...why on earth do they feel the need to comment? They should remain quiet.

 

[Freya]

Crikey, it's amazing how similar reactions to our losses have been! Noticed a few comments girls received saying "perhaps you were too young"... HA... I had the opposite and had two people say "well, you're getting on now, perhaps you should have thought about starting a family earlier" Looks like we can't win.....You just have to laugh about it!

Also I've had "at least you know you can get pregnant" YES, but little did folk know the battle I had staying pregnant!

There has been some real hard times listening to other people and their reactions.... but they didn't know any better and they were 'trying' to say and do the right thing. Hearts in right place - misguided application! Hopefully these people will never know the heartache of m/c or loss to find out 'what not to say'!

xxx

 

[Lazy Leo]

I've found this thread quite sad. Not sad in the sense of tears, but sad in that it is so bitter. What are you meant to say to someone who has just lost someone precious? This applies to all areas of loss: one of my friends died and I did I asked his widow how she was coping. I mean, she was coping as best she could with the death of her 6 year olds 39 old dad. She was on autopilot. I knew that but what else could I say?

Do you do the opposite and not acknowledge what has happened?

Now I know there are no excuses for comments like you're too young, you should have tried sooner, etc etc but those people who genuinely care about you always want you to move from the grief and anger to looking at whatever small positives there are. Like the fact that you can try again - what if you've had your ovaries destroyed by ovarian cancer etc. How big a sense of loss would that bring if you wanted a family?

I know it's a tough time, I know it hurts like hell because I've miscarried as well and I had the well meaning comments. But I knew what they were - well-meaning. Tactless though they may be, when they are well intentioned (and not bitter and twisted) then I accept them for that - well meant but clumsy.

I've read this and it looks really harsh - I guess all I'm asking is what should people say? I think Molly's thread of what you should say is a great idea. I'm really sorry if this upsets anyone, it's not my intention.

 

[fairywings]

Luckily I have never been in any situation like any of yours, but if I ever did I would be devestated and can't belive people have malice for tongues and can't even think.

This thread has really got me nearly crying, I really feel for your losses and no matter what anyone says they were your children and it must be agonizing. I don't want to come across as patronizing, I could never claim to understand, but everyone deserves to be happy and I am sorry for everyones little angels who did not get to be here.

Don't know whether my words are as bad as anyone elses, if they r I don't mean them to be.

 

[todteach]

After I had my missed miscarriage at three months pregnant, I had one friend who told me and I quote "Oh well, it was only your first time trying anyways." *like my pregnancy wasn't validated because it wasn't full term* And another that asked if my uterus was too damaged to have children and told me that she was glad that it had happened early.

I know that these people didn't mean to hurt me, however, the way that they approached the subject, was not in a caring or sensitive way at all.

I would never in a million years wish this type of loss on anyone, but if you haven't gone through it, you don't fully understand.

 

[mBLACK]

Now I know there are no excuses for comments like you're too young, you should have tried sooner, etc etc but those people who genuinely care about you always want you to move from the grief and anger to looking at whatever small positives there are. Like the fact that you can try again - what if you've had your ovaries destroyed by ovarian cancer etc. How big a sense of loss would that bring if you wanted a family?

I'm just going to state the obvious - At the time (I'm assuming) you don't want to look at the small positives, how could anybody want to? When you lose something that means that much to you it just seems hateful that people would want you to 'look at the positive side' - WHAT positive side? There really doesn't seem to be a positive side to losing somebody close to you, how could having a miscarriage be any different? Also, not to be cheeky but I think that your last statement (How big of a loss would that bring) is not appropriate in this area, it implied to me that having a miscarriage is not a huge loss. I know you didn't mean it that way though, & pardon me if I'm incorrect that's just the way I saw it. Please don't think I'm being arrogant, I just wanted to point my view out to you incase somebody felt uneasy by it.
Now, I hope I didn't offend anybody as I have never suffered a miscarriage. I am trying to empathize how I would feel if I were in the situation though I know that I haven't been there and couldn't possibly understand the pain.

 

[Lazy Leo]

Hiya,
I have miscarried and I don't think it was a big a loss as knowing that you have absolutely no chance of having a family. That would be my worst nightmare. I knew even in my darkest moments that I could go on from my miscarriage, no matter how much I wanted to shout and scream at the world and stop it revolving, but deep down I knew I would get it over it. I know I can try again. I know my baby wasn't ready for this world.

People asking if I was ok, or saying that I could try again didn't make me feel any worse - in fact I don't think it's possible to feel worse at that moment in time. To know that you have failed to do the most basic human act - to keep your baby safe - the guilt tears you apart inside.

Sure those statments may not have helped me much but nor did they offend me or make me feel worse. They comfort me indirectly, because although they don't take the pain away they show that people care. I would rather know people care and don't know what to say, or even say the wrong thing than they stay away from me and ignore the issue. Because I knew that time does heal and I would move on.

And time has helped me heal and maybe some people don't understand it, but I eventually came to understand that my baby could not have survived. A friend's baby was born with her stomach not attached to her osophagaus and a number of other defects. She is strong and is going to be fine, she'll get home when she is 8 months old or so. I've come to the conclusion that that little girl is strong enough to be here, strong enough to go through the numerous surgeries. My baby wasn't. And nature protected her and saved her going through a lot of pain she wasn't strong enough to endure.

Even when I'm sad about the journey I've been down I'm grateful that I haven't had to experience multiple miscarriage, that I haven't had a stillborn. For those who have experienced this I don't know how you go on. But this thread was never about trying to find answers. I think we all have our own thoughts and beliefs and no-one should force their opinion on anyone else.

But I for one don't think family and friends should be slated when their intentions are well-meant. When they are bitter or angry, that's another matter.

 

[cheeselover]

I started this thread a couple of days after my mc/dc. At the time I was very sad, hurt and angry and needed a place to vent. The comment 'do you think all your stress caused it (the miscarriage)' was made by my own mother (I was too embarrassed to admit it at the time). Six months down the track all is well with out mother/daughter relationship, she has apologised and all is forgiven. She said to me she didn't know what to say (she's never had one) and she literally said the first thing that came to her head and regretted it straight away. I understand now that hers and other similar comments are not meant to be vindictive or hurtful - she is my mother and she loves me, she didn't know what to say and just said the wrong thing at the wrong time. It has taken me six months to be able to look back at everything that happened and not cry (well, not straight away) BUT it has been a rollercoaster of emotions to get here. I think forums such as this allow you to go throught this process and whether that is venting about that things that piss you off or just looking for someone that has had a similar experience and knowing you are not alone is comforting. I have spent many a night just reading stories here and feeling better for it. I don't think there are any right or wrongs in these situations, you just go through it until you feel better and you come out stronger on the other side. Good luck to everyone XXX

 

[Kaelia67]

I didn't take offence to any well meaning comment's. I do understand how difficult it is for family and friend's to find the right thing to say. I'm fully aware of that.
I don't for the life of me understand why people who barely know me could understand my grief or feel the need to comment on it with some random off the cuff remark as if it was nothing.
Alot of the negative comment's were not well meaning and were often said to other friend's or family member's in my absence.
Carrying a child is a fight for me from conception onward's. I have already lost 3 babies. One of them during a prem birth.
Yes I am blessed that I have children. I am aware of that. My Children fought to be here and I have done everything within my power to hold on to them.
Every pregnancy for me goes this way...after the inital shock and happiness of finding out I'm pregnant then come's the worry. The detachment from my child. I can't bond with my babies during pregnancy as I really don't know if I will be able to carry them full term and I know if I get through the early stages I'm at risk of yet another prem birth. My bonding begin's when a live baby is passed into my arm's, even then I worry as they are tiny and need scbu.
I don't expect most people to understand this, but I do expect people to at least think before they speak.

 

[starbucks101]

Ive read through all this thread and it is heart wrenching, Ive nenver had a misscarriage & wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy, I have absolutly no idea how your feeling/how you've coped or those moments of utter dispiare.

I have no idea what to say to anybody ive will hold my hands up to perhaps the ignorance of "you can try again" Never ever meant maliciously or to try and show that losing that baby wasnt important.

Only ever because i cared and " im so sorry, is there anything i can do?" never seems enough. Obvioudly its not said at that point only when things are starting to become clearer & mum is feeling better.

Ive seen someone say : Well at least they are safe in heaven and dont have to be brought into all the sh*t in this world.

I no the lady meant well but i thought that was very tactless...

Any ideas on the right things to say would be appreicated.

 

[Jem]

I'm very sorry for all your losses and admit I don't know what you've been through so can't even begin to imagine xxx

I know though that I got annoyed with my OH's auntie when my OH's other auntie miscarried at 11 weeks. Her response was "I don't know why she's making such a fuss, it was only like having a heavy period" Yep she said that. Shocking or what.

 

[shadowsilk]

sometimes it's easy tobe super antisocial when you miscarry but for some reason everyone wants to know what happened and why. I hate that.

 

[6lilpigs]

My dad said to me after an early miscarraige 'You were just full of wind' then OH piped up 'Yeah thats what it was love'. But I know in their own demented male way that they just didn't have a clue what to say and probably said the first crazy thing that came into their blessed male heads lol. Reading this therad to be honest Inow wouldn't no what to say. I think we all say what we think is neutral (apart from the truly evil people out there). What should we say?

 

[Hevz]

I still say "sorry"....what else can you say?

 

[Lazy Leo]

It's so hard to know what to say. My mum held me and told me that 'it was nature's way'. It didn't help much but she was so stunned as she didn't know we were ttc and here was her baby girl telling her she had lost her baby. She was in shock I think. For me, it was just enough to be sobbing in my mum's arms, I wasn't really interested in the words anyway.

It was a few weeks before I told my gran, and she just burst into tears.

For me it was easier to deal with my mum's matter of fact way of trying to comfort me, to cut through my fog and haze of pain and shock and hurt. My gran's tears pulled the rug from under me. I was so glad it was a few weeks down the line - had the happened when I was at my lowest I don't know how I would have coped with it! When my mum found out she then apologised that she must have seemed 'hard' and as though she didn't care because she didn't burst into tears. It's a minefield! This site is wonderful though, people here are generally much more aware of people's state of mind and have a much better idea of what to say - even if it's only to give a passing hug.

I was appalled at the lack of information I was given when I started to m/c. This site kept me sane.