What NOT to say a few days after someone has had a mc

[JayleighAnn]

Hevs - I just didnt understand it at all, how is losing a baby "for the best?" be it miscarriage or stillborn?

trishk - Thats unfair,do you not get grievence time at your work?

 

[todteach]

I had a d&c on a friday, my boss rang me on the monday to ask when was i coming back to work. I went back the following monday. I had kept in contact with them throughout yet when i returned to work he proceeded to give me a warning for missing the week and took 2 days holidays off me. It was the only time i was off sick! Can you believe that?

Are you serious? Not much of a holiday! Did he realize that you had just lost your baby? I would investigate this further, perhaps with HR. After my missed miscarriage, I was on "short term disability" not "vacation".

 

[trishk]

im not working there any longer! Taking the holidays off me was "punishment" as I didnt get paid for my time off. and yes he did realise i lost a baby i had been totally honest with him. I probably could of taken it further at the time but i really needed the job my husband wasnt working.

 

[loz]

i lost my baby at 18 weeks due to amniotic bands, these bands wrap round the baby and can cut off blood supply to limbs and babys can lose limbs. post mortem showed that my baby had 2 fingers missing and a club foot but actually died due 2 a band wrapping round umbilical cord. someone said 2 me after (aint u glad it died as u would ov had a disabled child!!) i hardly think that 2 fingers missing is a disabillity and my baby wouldnt ov had a quallity life!

 

[morayo]

hi all, i just m/cd at 6weeks on sunday, it was a complete one and i didnt need any medical intervention and i have also heard different comments from people evn my own parents, i think we shd take into consideration the fct that some of this people can see ur grief like all over ur face and just dnt know what to say and at the same time dnt wnt to keep quiet so they dnt seem uncaring.i think my best was from my dad and my boss at work"which was, take heart, cry all u want to, then start ttc again, which just about sums up all u can do in the circumstances.

 

[morayo]

I know people are often shocked and don't know what to say after someone has had a mc but these were from a close family members and I only had my d and c on Tuesday!!!!

"Do you think all your stress (over the polyp I had) caused it?"

"Well, its only your first pregnancy/mc...Aunty ***** had 3, imagine how that feels!".

Amazing. Anyone else had some crackers like this?

i heard the same comments and more, and the first one was from my mom, i dint bother replying her and i think she got the msg, though i know she didnt mean any harm by asking, she was probably just as puzzled as i was and said the first thing that came to her head, and if i must be honest with meself, i had asked my self the same question over and over again,and sweetheart beleive me, we all dnt want to have the experience of having 3m/cs in a row, so lets keep it at the back of our mind thatthe perzon that said to us to be thankful its just one and not three or four is probably still grieving over her own loss and in a sick way is still looking for comfort from u. there is this lady that stays down the road from me, we dnt talk but i know that her 1st pg was a full term stillbirth, then she had two girls and just recently she had another stillbirth, im thinking if she walked up to me and said i shd ntr be upset over my 6wk m/c afterall she's had two full yterm stillbirths i would probably hug her and cry with her rather than take offence. im sorry this is so long, just trying to let u consider some reasons why some people make those seemingly insensitive comments. love u all

 

[cheeselover]

Hi Morayo - all is forgiven with my mum (read post #73). It was all a bit too much 2 days after the event however which is why I needed to vent at the time.

 

[Tasha]

I have had a few too, mainly from dh mum (who we no longer speak to). Honey was stillborn at 36+6 due to medical negligence, when we had her blessing Matt wanted fil and my mum was already there, he wont home and mil rang me up saying he was breaking his heart over that baby (err she is his grandaughter, and he saw her beauty why wouldnt he?). Next she asked to have some photos and of course we let her, she took them had one look said oh better put them away in the loft dont want anyone seeing them (why ask for them), on the day of the post mortem results we had just found that it was medical negligence, and she starts on about no more babies etc (the need was strong), others have said other things like your young, you can have more, your lucky you have your other children (blessed yes but lucky would be to have all my babies).

The one that astounded me the most and again was mil was to matt I cant bare to look at you, I always knew you would create MY biggest pain.

 

[morayo]

It's not even been a week since I m/c'd (my first) and I'm still bleeding.......

Here is what I have had in the way of comments........

"Well, you're getting older and older and older...and you do have a son already...." - My Mum!!!

"It's strange because there is no family history of miscarriage....." - My Mum..........again!!!1

Question - I am 37 years old and have an 8 year old son - does that mean I don't qualify to have another baby????

]"Hi how are you? I've got a stinking cold and feel like crap" - My sister
Reaction - F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh sorry to hear that...I've lost 2 babies....." - A friend
Question - is it a bloody competition then????

Aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhh

Rant over xx

ha ha ha, im sorry, but u seem to have heard some out of this world bad comments. i have a question fro u though, are u an individual that usually takes care of urself by urself and have other running to you for support and encouragement? there is a strong undercurrent under all the above that those people making the comments dnt think it would hurt u. im sorry for your loss and all u have had to endure, and im glad to see that u still have a sence of humour despite ur loss.wish u the best love.

 

[missywoo]

Well ladies I'm back to work tomorrow after my M/c last wed and I know I'll be inundated with these kind of comments all day - dreading it. however I don't think any of the ones I'll experience tomorrow will be as bad as the midwife in hospital that horrible night when I first arrived, frightened and bleeding and begging for some hope it was all going to be OK. As she was taking down some notes - time bleeding started, no of weeks pregnant etc she asked me my occupation. When I told her I was a Personnel Manager of a company nearby she asked me if I could get her son a job as she wanted him 'out from under her feet'
I swear to god I thought my man ( who incidentally told me later he thought I was going to bleed to death)was going to knock the stupid fat cow out!

 

[JASMAK]

i lost my baby at 18 weeks due to amniotic bands, these bands wrap round the baby and can cut off blood supply to limbs and babys can lose limbs. post mortem showed that my baby had 2 fingers missing and a club foot but actually died due 2 a band wrapping round umbilical cord. someone said 2 me after (aint u glad it died as u would ov had a disabled child!!) i hardly think that 2 fingers missing is a disabillity and my baby wouldnt ov had a quallity life!

How terrible! I have a child with special needs, and I would never wish her not to be!!! How awful! Some people just don't get that your baby is your baby...and you want that one! Sorry someone said that to you!

 

[WelshGirl]

I have had a few too, mainly from dh mum (who we no longer speak to). Honey was stillborn at 36+6 due to medical negligence, when we had her blessing Matt wanted fil and my mum was already there, he wont home and mil rang me up saying he was breaking his heart over that baby (err she is his grandaughter, and he saw her beauty why wouldnt he?). Next she asked to have some photos and of course we let her, she took them had one look said oh better put them away in the loft dont want anyone seeing them (why ask for them), on the day of the post mortem results we had just found that it was medical negligence, and she starts on about no more babies etc (the need was strong), others have said other things like your young, you can have more, your lucky you have your other children (blessed yes but lucky would be to have all my babies).

The one that astounded me the most and again was mil was to matt I cant bare to look at you, I always knew you would create MY biggest pain.

I feel the need to reply to this, yet I am absolutely lost for words.....I am stunned that any woman could say that to her own son.....I hope you don't take offence at this, but she seems to be the worlds most inconsiderate, insensitive b****
I am so sorry that your OH had to hear that from his mother

xxxx

 

[Tasha]

I have had a few too, mainly from dh mum (who we no longer speak to). Honey was stillborn at 36+6 due to medical negligence, when we had her blessing Matt wanted fil and my mum was already there, he wont home and mil rang me up saying he was breaking his heart over that baby (err she is his grandaughter, and he saw her beauty why wouldnt he?). Next she asked to have some photos and of course we let her, she took them had one look said oh better put them away in the loft dont want anyone seeing them (why ask for them), on the day of the post mortem results we had just found that it was medical negligence, and she starts on about no more babies etc (the need was strong), others have said other things like your young, you can have more, your lucky you have your other children (blessed yes but lucky would be to have all my babies).

The one that astounded me the most and again was mil was to matt I cant bare to look at you, I always knew you would create MY biggest pain.

I feel the need to reply to this, yet I am absolutely lost for words.....I am stunned that any woman could say that to her own son.....I hope you don't take offence at this, but she seems to be the worlds most inconsiderate, insensitive b****
I am so sorry that your OH had to hear that from his mother

xxxx

No offence taken at all, I completely agree, it broke my heart for him, he had enough to deal with, with out that

 

[passengerrach]

when i miscarried on the day we went to hospital to have it confirmed my 'friend' put up her photos of her scan all over facebook sayin how happy she was i mean couldnt she have waited a week or even a few days not the very same day and we were at pretty much the same stage. and my boss said 2 me well it wasnt planned was it!! i just wanted to shout well what the hell does it matter if the baby was planned or not it still hurts all the same

 

[Waitingtobump]

I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

OMG!! That is just ridiculous! How could anyone ever even think that is remotely okay to say to anyone! GAHHH!! I wish I could find this woman one day!

 

[todteach]

I hate the 'maybe its for the best' thing too!! How is it??? grrr
But tbh, i think what 'the bitch' said to me just tops it all rele!! spiteful cow!!.
If u havent read my thread, my future BIL's now ex gf is 6 months pregnant, and altho we werent talking about her or being pregnant, she chirped up with, " i love being pregnant. Oh you'll be this big soon maddi, oh wait, sorry i forgot, no u wont, you lost another baby didnt you!".
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

OMG!! That is just ridiculous! How could anyone ever even think that is remotely okay to say to anyone! GAHHH!! I wish I could find this woman one day!

That's just plain rude and unacceptable! How dare she make a comment like that. She didn't "forget". I'm so sorry hun. If you find her Waitingtobump, hold her until I get there!

 

[bubblegum07]

It will be a year in Dec. since my m/c and I still hear things like " Maybe it was for the best" " You will get another chance" and my favorite "At least you can get pregnant..some can't even get pregnant.." People can be so stupid sometimes.....
My problem now is that it has been a year and I'm still not preggers and it seems like everyone I know is getting there wish...My husbands step-cousin and his wife got married like a year ago and they are pregnant. My husband's Aunt said"Oh did you hear about T & H expecting? Isn't it exciting? She has been trying for like 8 mo. so they are glad it FINALLY happened!"
OH REALLY....8 MONTHS..try 2 F***ING YEARS....oh yea and a M/C.....let her try to deal with that!! Ugh! People kill me.....sorry for the rant!

 

[mugzy]

My brother and a good friend from when I was a kid had their babies only a day apart in September, about 2 and half weeks before Victor was born. She sent me an email a week after he died. Cut and paste from the email:
Please tell your brother congrats on their new little one. Eat him up Helen your the lucky Aunt who gets to spoil and give him back when you've had enough.

I know she didn't mean to hurt me... and probably wasn't thinking. But I don't want to be the lucky Aunt. I want to be the one they hand him back to when they've had enough.

 

[daniella00]

My brother and a good friend from when I was a kid had their babies only a day apart in September, about 2 and half weeks before Victor was born. She sent me an email a week after he died. Cut and paste from the email:
Please tell your brother congrats on their new little one. Eat him up Helen your the lucky Aunt who gets to spoil and give him back when you've had enough.

I know she didn't mean to hurt me... and probably wasn't thinking. But I don't want to be the lucky Aunt. I want to be the one they hand him back to when they've had enough.

oh babe that so horrid. so sorry for your loss. I miscarried at 17 weeks 4 days i cant even begin to understand how bad you must be feeling.
Im sending you big hugs

xx

 

[Wishfull]

A so called friend of mine said to me after my m/c "it wasnt the right time anyway" I could of went for her if she hadnt been on the fone an the way she said it. She also said "did you even really want it". "Of course" i wanted to scream at her. Tell her she knew nothing about how i was feeling. How cruel an cold i thouht that was of her i could hardly speak for the tears an the lump in my throwght.

I just dont know what goes through some peoples heads.

Take care girls as i suppose its only realy us that know how we are feeling after a m/c

xxx