What to tell LO about FOB?

[Meezerowner]

Hey I don't often post in this section but quietly lurk from time-to-time!

Anyways, was wondering if anyone here had any advice/experience as to what to tell LO about FOB if he is not in their lives at all.

I read somewhere that if you tell children that one of their parents has done bad things, then they grow up thinking that they themselves are also bad as they are directly related.

It's difficult though if truthfully someone has done bad things.
Do you lie and just say things just didnt work out (children arent stupid and will work out there must be more to it) or do you tell the truth and possibly make them feel bad.

I wish I had picked a better FOB for them.

 

[sophie0909uk]

I dont know your situation, but iv told my son the truth from day one. My situation is alot different to yours. FOB killed himself before lo was born. But i always feel its best to be honest with the children.
You have a while yet before they start asking questions. Hopefully by the time they do ask questions, you will have an answer that you feel is suitable. Sorry i cant be of any help. x

 

[cookette]

Whats wrong with saying it didnt work out, as it clearly didnt?

I dont believe a child is entitled to every ounce of information- they are not adults. I dont agree with lying, but giving information thats age appropriate is different. I think the way you deliver it is just as important as the words you use.

 

[Meezerowner]

I dont know your situation, but iv told my son the truth from day one. My situation is alot different to yours. FOB killed himself before lo was born. But i always feel its best to be honest with the children.
You have a while yet before they start asking questions. Hopefully by the time they do ask questions, you will have an answer that you feel is suitable. Sorry i cant be of any help. x

I am very sorry for your loss, that is a very sad thing to have to deal with/explain to a child. And yes that is a bit different to my situation.
I really do believe in being honest also and I know the questions are a long way off I'm just mulling over what they might say/ask in the future.

 

[Meezerowner]

Whats wrong with saying it didnt work out, as it clearly didnt?

I dont believe a child is entitled to every ounce of information- they are not adults. I dont agree with lying, but giving information thats age appropriate is different. I think the way you deliver it is just as important as the words you use.

Yeah, I know delivery is important and I want to get the level and tone right. I defo wasn't planning to tell the whole story at a young age with all the gory details!

I find it difficult to lie outright - I'm really bad at it! So I couldn't for example say that FOB was a good person and we just didn't work out.
And I know that when they are a bit older "we didn't work out" probably wont cut it as they will want to know why and who he was and what he was like etc etc
I'm assuming this because I grew up without my Father and these were all questions I wanted to know. The situation for me growing up was different though as my father wasn't a "bad" person, my parents were seperated by circumstances beyond their control so my Mother always told me nice stories about him.

I know I'm a long way off the questions yet and believe me I'm glad! I was just thinking about the future yesterday.

The only thing that I can legitimately say is that I strongly suspect there was something wrong with him mentally. My best guest is narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathy which would explain why he did the things he did.

One of the other things I worry about is what other people might say. We are moving soon to a completely different area. But there are still family/friends who will have the full story. I trying to keep the story on a need-to-know-basis but things have a way of getting out.

I feel bad because they are just innocents at the moment and I dont want them to be teased or made to feel bad for the actions of their father.

 

[Mummy1995]

I'm probably just going to say that he wasn't/isn't ready to be a daddy yet and that he was very young and got worried about being a daddy like mummy but mummy was ready. And ill just remind her that even though he isn't around she is still loved by her family so much.

And probably leave it at that but answer questions as they pop up.

I understand though, it's so difficult thinking about it when they're complete dicks and you hate them. But I think it's important to try and not pass your own judgement onto you LO as it may make them feel they're bad as they're part of them. Plus I think it's best for them to make their own judgement if/when they decide they want to xx

 

[blamesydney]

Scarlets dad and I coparent, but I've thought about what to tell her when she asks why we don't have a normal family. I suppose I'll just tell her that it didn't work out between us but we love her very much and mommy and Daddy will always be friends.

 

[Meezerowner]

Scarlets dad and I coparent, but I've thought about what to tell her when she asks why we don't have a normal family. I suppose I'll just tell her that it didn't work out between us but we love her very much and mommy and Daddy will always be friends.

That's nice that you have a good relationship with your ex and will be great for your LO.
And of course what is a "normal" family these days anyway?
Back when I was growing up single parents were odd but nowadays it's common and all sorts of different arrangements and blends of family.
So long as a child is loved nothing much else matters.

Sounds like you have a healthy co-parenting arrangement.
I wish that was an option for me but it wouldn't be appropriate given everything my ex did and he hasn't shown any interest in his children anyway which is a source of relief for me tbh.

 

[blamesydney]

That's nice that you have a good relationship with your ex and will be great for your LO.
And of course what is a "normal" family these days anyway?
Back when I was growing up single parents were odd but nowadays it's common and all sorts of different arrangements and blends of family.
So long as a child is loved nothing much else matters.

Sounds like you have a healthy co-parenting arrangement.
I wish that was an option for me but it wouldn't be appropriate given everything my ex did and he hasn't shown any interest in his children anyway which is a source of relief for me tbh.

Thank you!
Her dad left me the day we found out I was pregnant, I was 16 and he was 18. But from the very beginning I told him either be in her life or don't, but once he makes a decision he better stick to it. He wasn't around much during the pregnancy, and the first six months I pretty much raised her on my own with an hour visit every other day that I think he only followed through with because he didn't want to be looked down upon. But somewhere along the line he fell in love with her, we settled our differences, and we decided we're going to really do this together (just not in an actual relationship because I have too much self respect for that). Now we're friends, he has her three days a week and I have her four, we collaborate with all things regarding our daughter, NEVER undermine each other to our daughter even if we're arguing, and I have to say I trust him wholeheartedly with our daughter (most of the time).

But I'm so glad you made what you feel is the right decision regarding FOB. I know if I for one second doubted FOB's interest/love for our child, he'd be out of here.

 

[moomin_troll]

My sons dad died, and I've always told zane the truth. Obviously u leave out whatever detail u need/feel u should do.
My dad's never been around and from a very young age I knew why. He wasn't a very nice person who beat ten bells out of my mum. It's never made me feel like a bad person because I happen to be related to a scumbag

 

[Meezerowner]

I think he only followed through with because he didn't want to be looked down upon. But somewhere along the line he fell in love with her

That is so sweet - your daughter just won him over!

 

[Meezerowner]

My sons dad died, and I've always told zane the truth. Obviously u leave out whatever detail u need/feel u should do.
My dad's never been around and from a very young age I knew why. He wasn't a very nice person who beat ten bells out of my mum. It's never made me feel like a bad person because I happen to be related to a scumbag

Thanks for sharing this is very helpful and is the sort of thing I wanted to know. If you don't mind me asking - what and how did your Mum tell you stuff?

I am thinking that I will have to tell my children some things (obviously at an age appropriate time).
And they may want to search him out later on in life and then I think they deserve to know who they are dealing with.
But I also don't want to put too much of a negative spin on things.

But it's really good that you knew the truth and didn't feel like it defined who you are at all.... that is what I was hoping. That's prob because your Mum did a good job making you feel secure.

 

[tallybee]

My sons dad died, and I've always told zane the truth. Obviously u leave out whatever detail u need/feel u should do.
My dad's never been around and from a very young age I knew why. He wasn't a very nice person who beat ten bells out of my mum. It's never made me feel like a bad person because I happen to be related to a scumbag

Thanks for sharing this is very helpful and is the sort of thing I wanted to know. If you don't mind me asking - what and how did your Mum tell you stuff?

I am thinking that I will have to tell my children some things (obviously at an age appropriate time).
And they may want to search him out later on in life and then I think they deserve to know who they are dealing with.
But I also don't want to put too much of a negative spin on things.

But it's really good that you knew the truth and didn't feel like it defined who you are at all.... that is what I was hoping. That's prob because your Mum did a good job making you feel secure.

All you can do is be armed with considered responses for when they ask questions. They do want and need to know but I've never been one to bring things up, I always keep making sure the kids know they can talk to me about anything, and when they do I am truthful.

My kids are from different bio dads, fob1 was a drunk with a weed habit that made him paranoid as hell and he was physically and emotionally abusive which was bad enough, I left him when DS was a baby he died in 2007. By this time I'd had DD with fob2 who was just a poor example of a human being who has since "fathered" a lot of other kids with women he used, and he can't/won't be a dad.

To complicate things, I met DH in Jan 2009 and he became the kids' REAL dad (i.e. he was there and treated them as his own and fully adopted DS), we were a proper family until DH committed suicide in Jan 2013.

From the outset I have been truthful with the kids but not inappropriate. They both know that some daddies help mummies to make the children and others help to look after them although some daddies do both not all (if that makes sense!)

They know that fob1 had an illness (cancer) that the doctors couldn't fix and he died. That he did some things that were not nice but that i will always be grateful that he helped me make DS They know that fob2 is the sort of daddy that helped make DD, but he couldn't be the other kind of daddy too, and that it's because of his reasons and NOT the kids fault WHATSOEVER (I always make sure they hear that as kids will blame themselves ) they know that DH had an illness which stopped his mind working properly and it made him so ill that he made himself die, as it made him think nobody would miss him even though he knew we loved him so so much and he loved us.

It's obvs more complicated than that. But my point is kids will understand you just have to be truthful. The kids have been through worrying about other people dying, or leaving, including me and them. That's all about reassurance that most people don't die until they're old nowadays, and it's just been really horrible luck that we've lost people close to us like we have. And that they mustn't worry about me going anywhere because it's us 3 together no matter what.

The questions can hit you in the stomach out of the blue but yeah they do deserve to know.

As for DD wanting to find fob in the future. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. He put us through a lot of shit, demanding/arranging access then letting her down, repeatedly, blaming me and berating me in front of the kids, being a piece of shit. He chose to be absent despite my huge efforts to have him involved and as it stands now, I will no longer be facilitating any more attempts with him. DD knows that if she wants to see him when she's older, she can do so but only once she is actually old enough to responsibly do so herself (ie at least 16). She will be supported by me but I won't be putting us through any further strife.

Thing is with him, the kids were old enough to notice how much of a shit person he was and be disappointed and form their own opinion based on that. So it's not just me telling them.

Sorry that ended up quite long

xxxxxx

 

[moomin_troll]

I really can't remember, I just knew from a young age. Most of it I believe my mum told my sister who was 8 and I was 4/5 when my sister said our dad used to hit mum. My reaction at such a young age was to say "the *******" lol

I never wondered why I didn't have a dad, I just didn't. And I didn't care.
As I've got older she told me more and more about what he did, cheating, knocking her teeth out ect.
I've never held it against her.
I think being so young they won't really ask much. If they do I'd just say he wasn't a very nice man. So he went away. I do remember something similar being said to me.
Children aren't as delicate as we think and normally a straight forward answer will be the end of the conversation. Also depends on ur child.
Having to tell zane at 2 his dad wasn't coming back, was a lot easier then I expected, now Corey's two he would obviously see a difference but he's not as "smart" as zane was.

 

[Meezerowner]

Thanks for sharing your story tallybee.

I am sorry you and your family have had to deal with so much loss.
There must have been a lot of difficult conversations.

It is interesting what you say about FOB2 letting people down... children will defo pick up on things pretty quickly and make their own judgements.

 

[moomin_troll]

I've never wanted to see my "dad" I grew up seeing he didn't care because he wasn't around, even if he was I wouldn't have wanted him near me.
I really wouldn't spend ur time worrying just yet, the conversation will come up with ur los want it to.
For zane a lot of his class mates still have their fathers around. That's harder on me than him. But I've seen some
Who will be with Corey, my youngest and not many have their dads around, I've been silently pleased about that....altho a tad awkward my bfs exs girl will be in the same class haha she gives me evils.
It's not uncommon for children to be raised in a single parent home these days.

And you never know, you might meet the man of your dreams, someone who will take on ur girls and give them a father figure.
You never know what the future holds, so don't worry about it

 

[Meezerowner]

I think being so young they won't really ask much. If they do I'd just say he wasn't a very nice man. So he went away. I do remember something similar being said to me.
Children aren't as delicate as we think and normally a straight forward answer will be the end of the conversation.

Thanks
Defo think you are right about being straight foward and simple, I think that's where I will start if they start asking.


It must be so hard building up to a hard explaination like the loss of a parent. It's such a sad thing no-one should have to do.

 

[moomin_troll]

It was surprising easy. For about a week I did the whole he's at work thing. And it went from that to the truth when he could see I wasn't ok.
It's crazy looking back on it all, doesn't even seem real.
Zane took it all so well. Seen as it was all in the first week it was he's dead to I'm pregnant lol

 

[Meezerowner]

I've never wanted to see my "dad" I grew up seeing he didn't care because he wasn't around, even if he was I wouldn't have wanted him near me.
I really wouldn't spend ur time worrying just yet, the conversation will come up with ur los want it to.
For zane a lot of his class mates still have their fathers around. That's harder on me than him. But I've seen some
Who will be with Corey, my youngest and not many have their dads around, I've been silently pleased about that....altho a tad awkward my bfs exs girl will be in the same class haha she gives me evils.
It's not uncommon for children to be raised in a single parent home these days.

And you never know, you might meet the man of your dreams, someone who will take on ur girls and give them a father figure.
You never know what the future holds, so don't worry about it

Yeah I'm trying not to worry too much too early.... I know the potential difficult chats are a long way off as the most the say is "dog" and "get down" atm!

What you say about your oldest is true you feel worse cos you know what he's missing he's prob not noticed that they have Dads.

Single parents are defo more the "norm" these days and being one doesnt bother me - I am open about it to people. Although sometimes the sympathetic looks irritate me. I do believe there are a lot of people stuck in horrid relationships who are worse off. And I am SO GLAD that my ex and I split whilst I was pregnant and not in 5 years time or something.

Did you mean you current BFs ex has a kid at same school or it's his kid?
That must be a bit crazy!

A lot of people say about me meeting someone new etc who will take us all on.... which would be amazing for the children to have a decent father. I am just very skeptical, I don't trust my judgement anymore as I lived with FOB for 8 years and didn't see him for what he really was and didn't know what he was doing. I don't feel I could trust any man 100% again let alone with my girls.

 

[Meezerowner]

It was surprising easy. For about a week I did the whole he's at work thing. And it went from that to the truth when he could see I wasn't ok.
It's crazy looking back on it all, doesn't even seem real.
Zane took it all so well. Seen as it was all in the first week it was he's dead to I'm pregnant lol

Wow! So you were already pregnant? What a rollercoaster. I am just assuming here.... but you must have done amazingly well to push through all the emotions without going under.