Whole relationship hinges on my ability to get pregnant

[Little Fish]

Does anyone else feel this way?

OH is obsessed with fatherhood. It is the center of his life. He has one kid from a previous relationship and wants more. We're really struggling to TTC

I'm no use to him if I can't get pregnant. He'll never be satisfied with his one kid. He's always wanted a bigger family. Every unsuccessful cycle makes me more worried for our relationship. The uncertainty is killing me.

FYI: I've got 2 children from a previous relationship (girl and boy) so I'm not as obsessed with extending my family as he is.

Guess I'm just looking for some friendly sympathy

 

[Cppeace]

Hon, my guy badly wants to be a father,but my relationship does not depend on it. If not having a baby is going to end your relationship then it isn't a good relationship.
A relationship is about your partnership-not adding to it. Making a family is wonderful, but it is a bonus and should not be what makes or breaks your relationship.
I sympathize with your situation, but at the same time I feel sorry that you feel this way. Is he King Henry VIII to so condemn a wife for not bearing him the heir he wants?
I would never stay in such a tenuous relationship myself.

 

[Little Fish]

Hon, my guy badly wants to be a father,but my relationship does not depend on it. If not having a baby is going to end your relationship then it isn't a good relationship.

Do you really think so? Surely if a big family is essential to his happiness, by staying with him I am condemning him to a life of dissatisfaction and regret

 

[Cppeace]

Did he pick you or did he marry your uterus? Keep ttc if it is what you both want but having children cannot be what your keeps you together or tears you apart. Yes, if for whatever reason if you cannot give him this huge family he wants you may need to discuss fostering or adopting or whatnot, but if he leaves you because you can't bear him kids he is a selfish ass who doesn't deserve you- plain and simple.

 

[Little Fish]

Did he pick you or did he marry your uterus? Keep ttc if it is what you both want but having children cannot be what your keeps you together or tears you apart. Yes, if for whatever reason if you cannot give him this huge family he wants you may need to discuss fostering or adopting or whatnot, but if he leaves you because you can't bear him kids he is a selfish ass who doesn't deserve you- plain and simple.

I don't think I could cope with the guilt of depriving him of his dream

I feel overwhelmed with the feeling that I'm letting him down and that he'd be better off with someone else. Perhaps someone a lot younger than me (I'm 34).

 

[Cppeace]

34 is in no way old for ttc. This is your guilt.If you are that worried about it discuss it with him. People keeping these things inside is what drives wedges in relationships far bigger than the actual issues usually do.

 

[Little Fish]

34 is in no way old for ttc. This is your guilt.If you are that worried about it discuss it with him. People keeping these things inside is what drives wedges in relationships far bigger than the actual issues usually do.

He's obsessed with parenthood though. It's literally the center of his life. Every month, I feel our relationship is proven to be inadequate. We've been trying for several months.

Do you think it's a good idea if I suggest couple-counselling?

 

[Cppeace]

if you feel you need it, if you are having trouble communicating then yes I would suggest it.

 

[Kelskiii]

Have you told him how you feel? He may not be aware of your feelings & I doubt he would want you feeling this way.

Also ttc can take 1-2 years, if you have only been trying for a short time it may take you a little longer. It may be worth researching ovulation/timing of getting pregnant etc.

 

[Little Fish]

Also, why the heck is it always the woman who gets automatically blamed when there's infertility?? Any conversation we have always assumes I'm the one to blame! (With zero evidence to back this up).

 

[Hopfl4bbynbr4]

I think you should talk to him and tell him how you feel like kelskiii said. If he does actually feel like you're inadequate to produce his offspring then he doesn't deserve you. No man should make you feel like you aren't good enough. I agree with cppeace "did he pick you or did he marry your uterus? "

 

[MrsMinx]

@littlefish. It would be easy to say “relax”, but the reality is that you are feeling the pressure to conceive.

More importantly, have you and your husband discussed your feelings about having more children? I think it’s so crucial to your marriage for you to have an open talk where you can honestly express your feelings.
Before you sit down together, you should each think about these questions: Ask yourself "Why don't I want another child?" and "What's making me uneasy with the idea?" Your husband can consider: "What's driving my need for more kids?" and "How would I feel if we didn't have any more?" When it's time to talk, take turns speaking without interruption and be completely honest -- lying to avoid hurt feelings will only end up harming your marriage

Perhaps you can also consider individual and couples counselling where there will be a neutral person to “referee” the conversation.
Pray and ask God for wisdom and the right way and words in handling this situation. Pray for your husband also.

God Bless you and your family

 

[Kiwiberry]

Hon, my guy badly wants to be a father,but my relationship does not depend on it. If not having a baby is going to end your relationship then it isn't a good relationship.

Do you really think so? Surely if a big family is essential to his happiness, by staying with him I am condemning him to a life of dissatisfaction and regret

I agree with you sweetie, you should be concerned with his happiness as well as your own. It would be totally different if you couldn't have kids at all but you can. It's just taking time and will happen .

 

[BSN2MOM]

I hope that this is more your internal insecurity and not that your DH actually feels this way. From experiencing this myself I know that I can get very insecure (not so much about this exact topic, but it is still a fear that I have more so for myself). If your DH already has a child they should know this is a blessing. For a relationship to be potentially ended because of fertility issues makes me incredibly angry. For better OR for WORSE. No person should make another person feel guilty because of things that are OUT OF OUR CONTROL. If the shoe was on the other foot he would not feel so harshly. You need to discuss your fears with him. Be open and honest and if he is still blaming you then leave him. You and all women are much better than that. We are more than a uterus.

 

[Kiwiberry]

If someone wants biological children then they have the right to make the choice to not want to be in a relationship with someone who can't give that to them. Everyone has the right to make choices based on their own happiness and that of those they love. Hypothetically speaking if her husband really was going to leave her if she couldn't have kids then realistically it's not the right relationship for her. While everyone does have the right to make these choices based on their own happiness it shows great love if they decide to stay with someone even though they would not be meeting their own goals in their lives. The picture is much bigger than narrowing it down to whether or not someone is being sexist.

That's all hypothetical of course because she can have children.

 

[Trying2hard69]

I'm currently ttc, I'm older and my boyfriend is 10 yrs younger, he's 36. This would be his first child. From day one he told me that whether or not I could conceive would not determine our relationship. He loves me regardless. A man should never ever make you feel inadequate in any way, shape or form. Communication is the key. If he feels you aren't good for him if you can't give him a child then I would definitely think about whether or not you want to continue being in a relationship with this man.