i get terribly anxious if anyone touches me. it's taken years to get to a point where i can let my husband touch me. it sounds nutty, but i even tried to take out my own contraceptive implant last year because i found it so traumatic having it put in because she touched my arm. i actually managed to cut through to it and get hold of it with tweezers but the damn thing was stuck, lol, so i couldn't pull it out so ended up having to let a doctor do it. that took some explaining..
scans also scare me a lot, i canceled my 12 week scan because i just couldn't face it, my GP wasn't happy about that because i've had some bleeding on and off from about week 10. my GP is away now for easter but i am so scared she is going to chase me about that scan when she comes back. i bought a doppler though and i have heard the heartbeat so i assume it must be okay?
i wish they would let me do it myself, hold the ultrasound thing and move it about myself to have a look, so that i'd feel in control, but i bet they'd never let me?
it sounds terrible, but i have been avoiding my midwife too, i have borrowed my mum's blood pressure monitor and i was going to buy some of those dipsticks they use to check your urine, and do it myself so that i don't have to have antenatal checkups, i have my doppler so that i can check the heart beat, the only thing on the list of stuff that they do, which i can't do myself, is the growth checks. but maybe i could learn how to do that too? God i am terrible.
i've thought about having an abortion because of all this stuff, sometimes i still seriously consider it, but i do really want this baby, i'm just so scared of anyone touching me, it seems less frightening to take a few pills and have the baby and it be gone and not have to deal with this stuff anymore.