why don’t I love my baby yet?

[FinallyBFP]

I can’t beleieve I’m writing this at 17weeks but I’m suffering with so much guilt. I’ve waited 6 years for this baby suffered miscarriage and two rounds of IVF. I honestly still don’t “feel” there’s a baby there, I feel no connection and I feel it’s because I am still so worried that something will go wrong so I’m not allowing myself to fully love and accept the idea that I am finally pregnant incase this miracle is taken from me. My belly also just looks like I ate to much atm not actually “pregnant”

I wake up during most nights and always seem to have my hand on my stomach yet during the day i don’t touch it. So subconsciously I feel like I want to love the baby but I won’t allow myself. My boyfriend has also said he thinks it’s a girl which has terrified me even more because I always wanted a boy and thought th at was what I would have but he thinks the face from the 12 week scan is to doll like. I don’t want to end up loving the baby even less when I find out it’s a girl... I have booked for a scan on Tuesday to find out the gender and I’m terrified. He said we would just have to get used to the idea of it as we hAve always talked about it as a “boy” even before I was so pregnant. I feel like such a bad person how can I have so much love to give to everyone else yet I’m holding back from a child I spent years praying for!?

 

[Cewsbaby]

I don't think you don't love your baby at all. I think you might just be guarding your heart. I know that I went through something very similar with both of my pregnancies. I took me 9 years to get pregnant with DS1 and the entire time I just didn't feel connected to him. The second I heard him cry though it all cam flooding in. Some women don't feel it until weeks/months after birth. With DS2 I was the same way again and really wondered if there was something wrong with me. I just couldn't connect to him either. It wasn't until I found out that I had a serious medical condition that could have caused me to lose him did I realize how much I loved and wanted him safe and in my arms.

Don't feel like you are a bad person. Its sometimes hard to get emotionally attached until you have that baby in your arms. After trying so long and having an early miscarriage I just guarded my heart. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant one last time I hope to let myself enjoy that pregnancy.

As for if you will not love the baby if its a girl... I cant really answer that one for you. I can say that I really wanted one of each and while I was disappointed that my DS2 wasn't a girl I love him just as fiercely as I do his big brother. Was I a little disappointed at first, yes, but I will say I got over that very quickly.

GL and I hope this helped even a little.

 

[mumof1+1]

Oh huni. Pregnancy is so stressful at the best of times. Even more so after a loss. It’s all too easy to feel you don’t love the baby yet but at 17 weeks there’s lots of time yet. No doubt proper movements haven’t been felt yet, you won’t have had your 20 week scan either. I’m sure that will change things for you and I feel that, having wrote this post you obviously are struggling somewhat since your loss but you will have a connection if not now it will happen. If you think it may help, why not have a word with your midwife, she may be able to help. And of course we are all here to try help you as much as possible. I agree with what PP poster has said also. But give yourself time and don’t feel bad or guilty as it won’t help hun. It will become more real as time goes on, as movements kick in and as you get bigger. Big hugs hun. Feel free to inbox me if you’d like to chat? Xxx

 

[FinallyBFP]

Oh god you were both so sweet with your replies I was half expecting brutal responses so thank you both so much for your kind words I do feel I care deep down as I’m constantly worried. Like some days my belly looks bigger than other days so I worry is the baby still there so hopefully when I start to feel some movement I will feel much better. I think I’m just over thinking everything, I am currently living at home and my brother who I don’t speak to lives here too. I made the mistake of telling the midwives that he’s attacked me before when they asked is there a threat of violence in the home so now I worry to tell them how I feel about these little things incase they think I’m not good enough for my baby and want to take it from me. Feels weird to tell anyone this but I have no one else to talk to and my OH just assumes my emotions is all due to the hormones!! But yes I suppose I am protecting my heart with the first ivf I went in full steam ahead and didn’t think it would fail so when it did and then it worked the second time I still feel in disbelief but feel overwhelmed with love when I see my baby on the scan screens xx

 

[Babybump87]

I agree with the other ladies totally !

This is my third pregnancy, I already have 2 DDs . I am very protective over him/her . I remember feeling kinda the same with with my other pregnancies too it wasn’t until I felt real movements /kicks . Especially after the 20 week scan! That’s when my maternal instincts totally kicked in. Then when the girls were born it was just love and I would do anything to protect them .

I think especially if you’ve had a loss in the past it’s protecting yourself. Pregnancy is so stressful and sometimes we worry too much about the possibilites instead of enjoying it for what it is. Don’t worry it will defiently come to you !

 

[crownest]

I totally agree with the other ladies you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

 

[lilesMom]

Huge hugs. Xx
It is just self protection hon
My first preg was mmc
Second preg my son had a stroke at birth but is with us and nearly 6 and great
Had 3 mc.
Then my daughter.
Am now preg with earth baby num 3,
But im afraid to believe things can go right with out any hassle for me.
So im only half bonding in case something goes wrong again
Will hve anatomy scan soon and hopefully can fully relax and feel like im getting this baby after .
I recently bought some baby things and it made it feel much more real to me.
Plus im feeling movement so im starting to relax.
Dont pressure yourself, the bond will come. It sounds like ur more bonded than u think u are anyway x
With being protective and hand on tummy.in sleep.
Dont be hard on yourself and it will happen xx

 

[FinallyBFP]

Huge hugs. Xx
It is just self protection hon
My first preg was mmc
Second preg my son had a stroke at birth but is with us and nearly 6 and great
Had 3 mc.
Then my daughter.
Am now preg with earth baby num 3,
But im afraid to believe things can go right with out any hassle for me.
So im only half bonding in case something goes wrong again
Will hve anatomy scan soon and hopefully can fully relax and feel like im getting this baby after .
I recently bought some baby things and it made it feel much more real to me.
Plus im feeling movement so im starting to relax.
Dont pressure yourself, the bond will come. It sounds like ur more bonded than u think u are anyway x
With being protective and hand on tummy.in sleep.
Dont be hard on yourself and it will happen xx

Thank you Hun I hope all goes well with your scan! My partner is frustrated with how negative I’ve suddenly come but like you say after a loss it is difficult to just relax and assume all is fine! I think like you I will feel much better after my scan tomorrow and maybe more connected when I know the sex I can go shopping for...ive been a bit odd and spent the past 6 years collecting bits here and there for The baby I was waiting on before I knew I had a problem. So I don’t feel as excited as I should when it comes to shopping as I’ve done it for so long ha! But it will be far more exciting when shopping for an actual gender xx thank you for your response everyone has been so nice I Really wasn’t expecting it xxxx

 

[jsquared]

Totally normal for anyone who struggled to get pregnant. It took a lot for me to conceive my son, and I stayed anxious for most of the pregnancy. I finally started to believe all would be well just weeks before he arrived, and when he got here, he was perfect.

That said, the worry didn't stop. I kept waiting--for months--for the next shoe to drop. It never did. He is two now, healthy and happy, still perfect.

This pregnancy I'm trying to stress less, but I think it's only natural to worry when you've struggled to get pregnant. There's nothing wrong with you. Hang in there and believe odds are, everything will be just fine.

 

[flou]

I think the fact it worries you shows you do love your baby. And its perfectly normal to feel the way you do after everything you have been through. I am currently on my 5th pregnancy with what will hopefully be my 2nd take home baby (14 more weeks to go!) And every pregnancy I have guarded myself and its only just recently at 24 weeks that I have begun to let that guard down.

 

[babyvaughan]

I had 4 years of infertility. I always thought I would just be over the moon with excitement but really all I had was fears. I didn't let myself get attached until 28 weeks when I knew the baby could survive if born. I guess I was protecting myself after so many years of infertility. The day after my son was born my love for him was overwhelming! I'm expecting my second again after years of infertility. Same situation and I have felt really guilty but again I just dont allow myself to be excited until I feel its safe. I'm 26 weeks and just starting to grow attachment! This pregnancy everyone wanted me to have a girl and it scared me so bad literally made me nauseous when they would say it! I'm expecting another boy so that helped. My SIL wanted a girl SO bad, with her second when she found out she was bummed and didn't seem as attached but once he was born she was crazy about him and 3 years later she still is. So just give yourself time, it will come on its own time!

 

[lilesMom]

Best of luck with ur scan hon xx
What ur feeling is totally normal,
We lose our slightly naive excitement after losses xx hugs
Wishing u happy and healthy preg and baby xx

 

[FinallyBFP]

SO ladies to update...isn’t pregnancy such a funny thing! I found out the sex, it’s a GIRL and I thought my heart would be broken yet as soon as I was told it’s like the idea of a boy was completely eliminated from on my head and i fell in love with her it now feels real I didn’t realise how much a gender reveal makes it seem more real. It’s like the way I felt the other day was a completely different woman! THAnk you all so much for your support and well wishes wishing you all a happy healthy pregnancy!!!! XXX

 

[RebeccaR19]

I am so glad you are doing better. I can't say much that these other wonderful ladies haven't already said.
It's just hard after a miscarriage to let yourself feel fully. I know I love this baby so much. Every fiber of my being wants this baby to be healthy and in my arms when he or she is due. But we end up guarded after the pain of loss. It's just natural. I announced my pregnancy yesterday because I am slowly finally believing this baby might make it. But I am still terrified. I think you absolutely love your baby and are just scared and worried, which is natural. Plus, the pregnancy hormones don't make it any easier.
Congratulations on your little girl. I hope for a continued wonderful healthy pregnancy for you.

 

[FinallyBFP]

I am so glad you are doing better. I can't say much that these other wonderful ladies haven't already said.
It's just hard after a miscarriage to let yourself feel fully. I know I love this baby so much. Every fiber of my being wants this baby to be healthy and in my arms when he or she is due. But we end up guarded after the pain of loss. It's just natural. I announced my pregnancy yesterday because I am slowly finally believing this baby might make it. But I am still terrified. I think you absolutely love your baby and are just scared and worried, which is natural. Plus, the pregnancy hormones don't make it any easier.
Congratulations on your little girl. I hope for a continued wonderful healthy pregnancy for you.

Thank you hun your words were so sweet. It is so amazing the comfort and support us women can find in complete strangers who are in the same situation. I am 19 weeks today and I still haven’t told anyone yet, how many weeks are you? Like you I have the anxiety and fear that something may go wrong but we’ve got to try to move past it I drove myself insane up until a few days ago because everything is out of our control it’s better to not stress as hard and as patronising as that may sound!! Xxx

 

[Babybump87]

Wonderful news, congratulations !

We found out we are having a boy last week and overjoyed ! I have felt him move a lot more, I think we are always going to have a certain level of anxiety and fearfulness over something happening to our children whether they are in the womb or lying next to us at night ! We wouldn’t be good mums if we didn’t .

Seeing baby move around on the scan makes you fall in love with them too ! I hope you have a good pregnancy!

 

[Marumi]

I can’t beleieve I’m writing this at 17weeks but I’m suffering with so much guilt. I’ve waited 6 years for this baby suffered miscarriage and two rounds of IVF. I honestly still don’t “feel” there’s a baby there, I feel no connection and I feel it’s because I am still so worried that something will go wrong so I’m not allowing myself to fully love and accept the idea that I am finally pregnant incase this miracle is taken from me. My belly also just looks like I ate to much atm not actually “pregnant”

I wake up during most nights and always seem to have my hand on my stomach yet during the day i don’t touch it. So subconsciously I feel like I want to love the baby but I won’t allow myself. My boyfriend has also said he thinks it’s a girl which has terrified me even more because I always wanted a boy and thought th at was what I would have but he thinks the face from the 12 week scan is to doll like. I don’t want to end up loving the baby even less when I find out it’s a girl... I have booked for a scan on Tuesday to find out the gender and I’m terrified. He said we would just have to get used to the idea of it as we hAve always talked about it as a “boy” even before I was so pregnant. I feel like such a bad person how can I have so much love to give to everyone else yet I’m holding back from a child I spent years praying for!?

I would suspect its whacky hormones. As you may know they can cause postpartum depression as well.
After my first was born I had strange fears that something would happen to him. It was certainly beyond normal as it was almost psychosis like.
I began detoxing with herbals then when my oldest was a year old and after 3 months felt completely normal again (also hair, skin and nails become sheer perfection just on a sidenote)
I took herbs like Vitex, milk thistle, burdock root, DIM and Calcium D Glucarate (every two days 1 of each) for one year than weaned off (I tend to shed some hair when I wean off)
Before getting pregnant I was on a few of these, right now only Vitex since its fine all pregnancy.
After birth I plan to start some of the others again right away since it also keeps the postpartum hormonal chaos and shed at a minimum.

 

[FinallyBFP]

I would suspect its whacky hormones. As you may know they can cause postpartum depression as well.
After my first was born I had strange fears that something would happen to him. It was certainly beyond normal as it was almost psychosis like.
I began detoxing with herbals then when my oldest was a year old and after 3 months felt completely normal again (also hair, skin and nails become sheer perfection just on a sidenote)
I took herbs like Vitex, milk thistle, burdock root, DIM and Calcium D Glucarate (every two days 1 of each) for one year than weaned off (I tend to shed some hair when I wean off)
Before getting pregnant I was on a few of these, right now only Vitex since its fine all pregnancy.
After birth I plan to start some of the others again right away since it also keeps the postpartum hormonal chaos and shed at a minimum.

This is honestly the best comment I could of read! I suffer with hair loss and it is and pregnancy has blessed me with much nicer hair which I aam terrified of loosing after giving birth!! I am aware we shed the hairs pregnancy makes us hold on to but I know a lot of women loose a lot more than they should as the body goes over the top. Did you take them all at once every two days or separated them in between the two days? X

 

[Marumi]

This is honestly the best comment I could of read! I suffer with hair loss and it is and pregnancy has blessed me with much nicer hair which I aam terrified of loosing after giving birth!! I am aware we shed the hairs pregnancy makes us hold on to but I know a lot of women loose a lot more than they should as the body goes over the top. Did you take them all at once every two days or separated them in between the two days? X

That makes even more sense then. I had on and off hairloss for years myself, mostly due to a fungus (that was not visible) caused by hormones.
I used antifungal solution (clotrimazole based) and selsun shampoo for that and the supplements helped keep the fungus away.
Since I took so many I split them in half, meaning 3 of them on one day and the rest on the next. So each was taken every 2 days.
I preferred to take many types in lower doses since they all work for different aspects. Had I only taken milk thistle 3 times a day I would only be detoxing my liver.

On a side note, there is not much data on breastfeeding with these but tbh I think balanced hormones and a gentle detox are less cause for concern than hormonal chaos and toxins. On mothering forums there are experiences of moms taking them. I never had a problem.