WHY?! WHY does she "need" to get used to being away from me?

[Randianne]

It's very different in an emergency. Ordinarily, you can ease the child into it and return if they're not coping. That's not an option in an emergency. I was a paramedic during nursing school, and I saw way too many kids who could not cope with sudden absences. They don't feel safe without their mothers, and they become hysterical because they don't understand. In my experience, it's usually the ones who've never been away from their mothers. For my baby, I feel better knowing she knows that she's safe even if I'm not around. I'm not planning my life around emergencies, there are other good reasons for letting others watch her, but I'm taking basic precautions. I also buy insurance and keep working flashlights around.

I can't say I understand always being with kids anyway. I work from home, so I spend 168 hours with her. Four hours away from her every week or so (especially when she's most likely sleeping) isn't a big deal. That's just our choice.

I'm a mom, but I'm also a wife, sister, friend etc. It's hard to have good conversation with LO around and there are some things you can't do at all with a baby around. I feel fine leaving her because she's with people who love her. It gives them good bonding time too. It's win-win.

It's different strokes, really. No one style means you're a better mother. You're just doing what works for you.

 

[TheNewMrs]

What I don't understand is the "you need to get her used to being away from you".
Why?
She's ten months old. We spend every day together, I have no reason to be away from her. I do not plan on spending time away from her (apart from her with her Papa or Daddy). So what am I preparing her for? She will gradually spend more and more time away from me as situations arise and she grows and develops to be more independent. There is NO reason my daughter need to "get used" to being away from me. Because she wont be!

As for the AP thing, it just so happens that we do AP, it just came naturally to me. Not because I stick to a set of "rules" or anything. Its just how things are in our house.

 

[socitycourty]

Yawn.

Like usual this will morph into a debate of "good" parents vs. bad parents. Bad parents meaning normal people.

 

[Jaylynne]

I like that I know LO will be ok if he needs to spend the night elsewhere like he did the last 2 nights. We all had the stomach bug. Disgusting. My mom took him for 2 nights as DH and I were too busy puking and trying not to crap our pants. We did it to keep him from getting sick. And he loved spending time at mom moms house. And you know what? It was nice to know I didn't have to worry that he would freak out or that my mom wouldn't know what to do because she never had him before.

Sometimes it's not really if you want them away but that it's a better option for them in an emergency and the last thing you want then is a baby freaking out.

 

[onetwothreebp]

Yawn.

Like usual this will morph into a debate of "good" parents vs. bad parents. Bad parents meaning normal people.

yep. if your entire life doesn't revolve around your children, you're a bad mom

 

[ChesMik4eva]

I don't think it's fair to say its unhealthy that I'm with my son 24/7. He's 6 months old and exclusively breastfed so in my mind he's right where he should be. I still spend loads of time with my parents, my SIL and MIL and friends so my LO is still getting plenty of exposure to other people. My OH will take LO for me daily so I can sleep in for an hour. But no I've never left him and I really don't see how that's a problem.

And please don't say that people that leave their kids with other carers are the 'normal people', that seems to imply my parenting is not normal. It feels right for us so I'm going with it.

 

[onetwothreebp]

it's just my personal opinion. do what works for you

 

[Dk1234]

This doesn't bother me to hear. I mean I am a SAHM and I'd say I leave my LO maybe once a month. But I'm not sure that's exactly best. It's good for moms to get refreshed sometimes I think. Also, I think it's good for children to be attached to their mothers but I think it's also healthy to be able to be around lots of people and not to constantly need their mother right beside them. I just think a well balance of anything is good. Luckily and a little sadly I might add, Coen has no problem being away from me a couple hours. He misses me, you can tell but I'm glad it doesn't distress him even though sometimes it would be nice for my ego if he cried when I walked away.

 

[staralfur]

Some moms want to spend every moment with their babies. Some moms want a few hours to themselves. Does it really matter? Neither is better. Neither is wrong. Just different preferences and choices.

I personally love leaving my LO with my mom. I love that they get quality time together.. I know my mom appreciates it. It's really more for her, I think. She adores her grandbaby and wants to spend as much time with her as possible, so if I can give that to her and get a date night with my OH at the same time, perfect!

 

[Dk1234]

One thing I do not get is never spending time alone with your husband or Oh whatever the case may be. My husband and I wanted a baby so bad but that doesn't mean we changed the people we are. We are still very much a couple and in love and I think you need to nurture that. Now you absolutely can do this without leaving LO, like when they go to bed and such but we don't. We straighten the house, do the dishes and usually crash. I think one of the best things you can do for your children is provide them with a loving and stable relationship between their parents. For us, that means a date night ever so often and we are better people for it.

 

[Casey3]

And please don't say that people that leave their kids with other carers are the 'normal people', that seems to imply my parenting is not normal. It feels right for us so I'm going with it.

This ^

I feel like I'm being called abnormal because I don't leave my son very often, which is odd. He's still BF every couple hours (never had expressed milk/bottle, all on tap!) and I see no need for him to be left with other people so he 'gets used to it'. I live with my parents and my mom has a before/afterschool daycare so he sees other people all day long, I just am always there with him and do almost everything for him. He's a social butterfly and loves people, heck he'll go 'talk' to anyone, its embarrassing sometimes .. Just because I don't leave him, I BF on demand, bedshare, and babywear all the time makes me not normal? To me it just feels completely 100% natural.

 

[NoodleSnack]

It's not really anyone's business but your own.

I also don't see why people always say 'what if you had to leave them in an emergency?' as if that is somehow going ot be different for the child than if you leave them for the first time in a planned situation.

I don't leave my daughter overnight ever. I seriously doubt I ever will leave her overnight until she is old enough to ask to go herself, if she wants to. I didn't do the same with my boys and now I look back on it I feel sad that I wasted their young childhood in a way and so much of me thinks I wasn't really ready to be a parent then and that I have much more to give now.

I also didn't leave my daughter with anyone except her Dad until she was about 9 months old and even when she was left with her Dad, except one night out it was while I popped to the shops etc. The first time I did leave her with a friend, she was just fine, no crying, just fine. She is now 20 months and is a happy and secure child and so secure she will happily stay with someone she hasn't even met before. (We use an agency for babysitting now as I would rather have a 'professional' and although we know the sitters now, we didn 't the first time they sat)

I am my own person, I do have a life of my own, but my children are my life and I don't feel any desperate need to spend time away from them.

You can accustom a baby to minders slowly when you have the time, like another poster has said, first she's there, then she goes away for a shower and so on...in an emergency, you don't have time so baby just get put into a situation they never learn to deal with. But I think this thread is more about mummy's separation anxiety and that situation will resolve itself in time cause every mother will have to learn to let her child be away from her at some point in time eventually.

 

[midori1999]

It's not really anyone's business but your own.

I also don't see why people always say 'what if you had to leave them in an emergency?' as if that is somehow going ot be different for the child than if you leave them for the first time in a planned situation.

I don't leave my daughter overnight ever. I seriously doubt I ever will leave her overnight until she is old enough to ask to go herself, if she wants to. I didn't do the same with my boys and now I look back on it I feel sad that I wasted their young childhood in a way and so much of me thinks I wasn't really ready to be a parent then and that I have much more to give now.

I also didn't leave my daughter with anyone except her Dad until she was about 9 months old and even when she was left with her Dad, except one night out it was while I popped to the shops etc. The first time I did leave her with a friend, she was just fine, no crying, just fine. She is now 20 months and is a happy and secure child and so secure she will happily stay with someone she hasn't even met before. (We use an agency for babysitting now as I would rather have a 'professional' and although we know the sitters now, we didn 't the first time they sat)

I am my own person, I do have a life of my own, but my children are my life and I don't feel any desperate need to spend time away from them.

You can accustom a baby to minders slowly when you have the time, like another poster has said, first she's there, then she goes away for a shower and so on...in an emergency, you don't have time so baby just get put into a situation they never learn to deal with. But I think this thread is more about mummy's separation anxiety and that situation will resolve itself in time cause every mother will have to learn to let her child be away from her at some point in time eventually.

After four children I have never had to leave them gradually to get accustomed to being left. Not one of them has cried when left for the first time. If children cry or get upset when left in an emergency, I'd suggest its more because they realise something is wrong and they are picking up on the emotions of those around them.

I'm not going to leave my children on a regular basis, when I don't think it is best for me or them on the off chance there may be some emergency that leaves neither myself or my husband able to care for them, just because some random stranger or relative thinks that is best.

And how patronising to suggest this thread is about or the OP has separation anxiety. She has said several times she has left her baby previously but generally does not feel any need to have time away from him.

 

[midori1999]

And please don't say that people that leave their kids with other carers are the 'normal people', that seems to imply my parenting is not normal. It feels right for us so I'm going with it.

This ^

I feel like I'm being called abnormal because I don't leave my son very often, which is odd. He's still BF every couple hours (never had expressed milk/bottle, all on tap!) and I see no need for him to be left with other people so he 'gets used to it'. I live with my parents and my mom has a before/afterschool daycare so he sees other people all day long, I just am always there with him and do almost everything for him. He's a social butterfly and loves people, heck he'll go 'talk' to anyone, its embarrassing sometimes .. Just because I don't leave him, I BF on demand, bedshare, and babywear all the time makes me not normal? To me it just feels completely 100% natural.

Weird hey, it's ok to suggest people who do not want to leave their children are abnormal, but if there's a hint of suggesting that anyone who leaves their child might be selfish or whatever, there'd be an outcry.

The OP was not criticising or commenting on anyone else's parenting, just wishing that people wouldn't comment on hers.

Just as people cannot understand wanting to spend all or almost all of your time with your children, I can't understand people who don't want to. They are only small for such a small time and you can never get that time back, it's precious. My daughter doesn't stop me doing anything I want to, she doesn't stop me spending quality time with my husband either (she does go to bed, you know... ) and my life is more fulfilled because of the time I spend with her. If others don't get that, I couldn't care less.

 

[NoodleSnack]

It's not really anyone's business but your own.

I also don't see why people always say 'what if you had to leave them in an emergency?' as if that is somehow going ot be different for the child than if you leave them for the first time in a planned situation.

I don't leave my daughter overnight ever. I seriously doubt I ever will leave her overnight until she is old enough to ask to go herself, if she wants to. I didn't do the same with my boys and now I look back on it I feel sad that I wasted their young childhood in a way and so much of me thinks I wasn't really ready to be a parent then and that I have much more to give now.

I also didn't leave my daughter with anyone except her Dad until she was about 9 months old and even when she was left with her Dad, except one night out it was while I popped to the shops etc. The first time I did leave her with a friend, she was just fine, no crying, just fine. She is now 20 months and is a happy and secure child and so secure she will happily stay with someone she hasn't even met before. (We use an agency for babysitting now as I would rather have a 'professional' and although we know the sitters now, we didn 't the first time they sat)

I am my own person, I do have a life of my own, but my children are my life and I don't feel any desperate need to spend time away from them.

You can accustom a baby to minders slowly when you have the time, like another poster has said, first she's there, then she goes away for a shower and so on...in an emergency, you don't have time so baby just get put into a situation they never learn to deal with. But I think this thread is more about mummy's separation anxiety and that situation will resolve itself in time cause every mother will have to learn to let her child be away from her at some point in time eventually.

After four children I have never had to leave them gradually to get accustomed to being left. Not one of them has cried when left for the first time. If children cry or get upset when left in an emergency, I'd suggest its more because they realise something is wrong and they are picking up on the emotions of those around them.

I'm not going to leave my children on a regular basis, when I don't think it is best for me or them on the off chance there may be some emergency that leaves neither myself or my husband able to care for them, just because some random stranger or relative thinks that is best.

And how patronising to suggest this thread is about or the OP has separation anxiety. She has said several times she has left her baby previously but generally does not feel any need to have time away from him.

Sounds like your children can deal with strangers, doesn't mean all children are like that and in fact one of the posters above has said her child was very stressed when away from her. I have also seen older children unable to cope with being away from their mother even when not in an emergency so your theory doesn't hold water.

You don't need to leave your child because some random stranger or relative think it's best, you might do that if you come to the realisation yourself that it's best. If you don't, then don't.

I don't mean to be patronising, but it seems to be the case that the baby has no problem being away from mummy, but mummy doesn't want to leave baby if at all possible, when that happens in children, it's called separation anxiety so that's what I call it. And it's completely fine as long as things go well, but the OP asked why she needs to leave her child with others, and we gave her our reasons why we do it, doesn't mean she has to agree or follow anything written here.

 

[BigAl]

This thread is weird, I didn't realise you HAD to leave your kid with someone else to be a good parent. What if you don't have anyone to leave lo with?
And you can still have a very loving relationship with oh without things like date night. Just let people get on with their own lives they way they think best.

 

[special_kala]

You don't need to leave your lo. Other people want you too there is a difference.

If someone wants to leave their lo with a responsible person that's fine but if not then it's also fine.

My eldest was very very rarely left with anyone, she is perfectly happy to now though. She is confident and knowing enough to understand we will be back. I don't see the need to ease them in when you can just wait until they are old enough to understand anyway.

I'm not going to spend my life preparing for.dome.unlikely emergency situation.

 

[tokyo]

This thread is weird, I didn't realise you HAD to leave your kid with someone else to be a good parent. What if you don't have anyone to leave lo with?
And you can still have a very loving relationship with oh without things like date night. Just let people get on with their own lives they way they think best.

Yep, this thread is really weird.

The OP was just venting about people telling her was she 'HAS' to do. I think we all find this annoying no matter what our personal parenting choices are. And B&B is a great place to vent because you're able to express your feelings without having massive fallout with the people you have to rub along with every day in RL.

Yet somehow it's been twisted into people who do leave their children with other people thinking that the OP is somehow criticising them. Obviously she's not, why would she start a thread complaining about being criticised for her parenting choices only to them criticise other peoples'?

If you want to leave your children with other people, or have to for whatever reason, that's fine (as long as they're suitable people and it's not to go out partying all the time or anything!). Equally if you don't want to leave your child with others and choose to care for them full time, that's also fine. You do what's best for you, your child and your family in your own circumstances.

The only thing that's not fine is criticising other parents or telling them that they 'must', 'should' or 'have to' do things differently. And, afterall, that's what the OP was originally complaining about.

 

[midori1999]

It's not really anyone's business but your own.

I also don't see why people always say 'what if you had to leave them in an emergency?' as if that is somehow going ot be different for the child than if you leave them for the first time in a planned situation.

I don't leave my daughter overnight ever. I seriously doubt I ever will leave her overnight until she is old enough to ask to go herself, if she wants to. I didn't do the same with my boys and now I look back on it I feel sad that I wasted their young childhood in a way and so much of me thinks I wasn't really ready to be a parent then and that I have much more to give now.

I also didn't leave my daughter with anyone except her Dad until she was about 9 months old and even when she was left with her Dad, except one night out it was while I popped to the shops etc. The first time I did leave her with a friend, she was just fine, no crying, just fine. She is now 20 months and is a happy and secure child and so secure she will happily stay with someone she hasn't even met before. (We use an agency for babysitting now as I would rather have a 'professional' and although we know the sitters now, we didn 't the first time they sat)

I am my own person, I do have a life of my own, but my children are my life and I don't feel any desperate need to spend time away from them.

You can accustom a baby to minders slowly when you have the time, like another poster has said, first she's there, then she goes away for a shower and so on...in an emergency, you don't have time so baby just get put into a situation they never learn to deal with. But I think this thread is more about mummy's separation anxiety and that situation will resolve itself in time cause every mother will have to learn to let her child be away from her at some point in time eventually.

After four children I have never had to leave them gradually to get accustomed to being left. Not one of them has cried when left for the first time. If children cry or get upset when left in an emergency, I'd suggest its more because they realise something is wrong and they are picking up on the emotions of those around them.

I'm not going to leave my children on a regular basis, when I don't think it is best for me or them on the off chance there may be some emergency that leaves neither myself or my husband able to care for them, just because some random stranger or relative thinks that is best.

And how patronising to suggest this thread is about or the OP has separation anxiety. She has said several times she has left her baby previously but generally does not feel any need to have time away from him.

Sounds like your children can deal with strangers, doesn't mean all children are like that and in fact one of the posters above has said her child was very stressed when away from her. I have also seen older children unable to cope with being away from their mother even when not in an emergency so your theory doesn't hold water.

You don't need to leave your child because some random stranger or relative think it's best, you might do that if you come to the realisation yourself that it's best. If you don't, then don't.

I don't mean to be patronising, but it seems to be the case that the baby has no problem being away from mummy, but mummy doesn't want to leave baby if at all possible, when that happens in children, it's called separation anxiety so that's what I call it. And it's completely fine as long as things go well, but the OP asked why she needs to leave her child with others, and we gave her our reasons why we do it, doesn't mean she has to agree or follow anything written here.

It doesn't seem like 'Mummy' doesn't want to leave the baby if at all possible, it seems like she doesn't feel she has any need to. That is something completely different.

I can happily leave my own daughter if I need to for some reason, but I rarely do because I don't see the need. She can easily accompany me on doctors visits, shopping etc its no trouble and she enjoys the outings and they are learning experiences for her.

I think the problem is, some people fail to understand a parent enjoying spending so much time with their child.

 

[xsadiex]

It seems like people are being very touchy about their choices for no reason? Some people don't want to leave their kids and that's fine, others need to leave their kids and that's also fine. Everyone has their reasons.
No one should feel pushed into leaving their kids if they don't want to! If seems like people are feeling guilty and taking it out on this thread.