WHY?! WHY does she "need" to get used to being away from me?

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Ugh this would drive me mad! I was at a friends house and her grandmother came over to take her baby for the night , and then went to tell me I should send Tyler to someones house once a week overnight for him to get used to it... get used to what? When in his life will he be at someone elses house at least once a week :/

 

[Noelle610]

This thread is weird, I didn't realise you HAD to leave your kid with someone else to be a good parent. What if you don't have anyone to leave lo with?
And you can still have a very loving relationship with oh without things like date night. Just let people get on with their own lives they way they think best.

I don't think anyone has suggested you're a bad parent if you don't leave your child to spend time with others. A few posters just pointed out that it could be beneficial, that's all. All kids are different and some need the adjustment period to feel comfortable when they are inevitably, at some point in their life, separated from mom.

I also could have interpreted some of these posts as insinuating that I'm not a good mom because I work away from the home and my daughter is in the care of another frequently, but I understand that's not what anyone is saying. It's honestly just an interesting discussion.

 

[Fergie]

My daughter is 19 months now and she has never stayed a night away from me. You do whatever you feel is best for you and yours .

 

[roseyblossom]

I absolutely used to hate people telling me that I had to leave my son or that I'll be making a rod for my back if he's too attached. Honestly it used to aggravate me to the point I wanted to tell those people to jog on. Eventually I started leaving him throughout the day because I had things to do so it started of as couple of hours then few hours at a time. When I felt ready I left him overnight (was moving houses needed him in safe clean environment) I cried a lot that night but it had to be done and since then I've left him overnight few times mostly due to me having to run up the hospital for pregnancy related issues etc. The point I'm trying to make is you gotta do things when you feel ready and when you think you need to. Yes you are a SAHM therefore you see no need to leave your baby with anyone else and that's true why should you when you left work simply because you will be caring for her 24/7 but maybe you might want to consider letting your LO being cared by other family members too just so if ever a situation arrived where you had to leave her with them you know they can handle her and she can settle with them.

 

[Jackyx]

Maybe your friends just want you to still be involved with them and are trying to suggest ways that you can be with them with or without baby - they are probably just trying to make an effort with you but if you don't try with them they may start doing stuff without inviting you cause they think you don't want to bother anymore. Also you Mau find family would just like to be able to spend quality time with baby and they feel that its not tbe same when mummy takes over when they are there with baby?!

 

[The Alchemist]

Hmmm...

I think the main theme of the op's complaint is: nobody likes being PUSHED into doing anything they don't want/like. Who likes to be forced?

Onto the next subject: to leave or not to leave ones child/ren? That's the question. But whatever it is, it's personal choice and depends on the situation. Not hard to decipher that.

This isn't...well, it shouldn't be a matter of right or wrong whatever the choice is when it's all preference.

 

[Jackyx]

But maybe they aren't actually pushing her into anything sounds to me they are just suggesting and she's taking offense when no offence was meant? I'm just trying to see it from other people's points of view, I really doubt they know the OP feels that way. I mean her friends obviously just want to find a way to spend time with her they won't have set out to offend her.

 

[Dk1234]

I agree. I don't think the people suggesting this are being forceful or mean. I mean sounds like people just care about her and would like to see her. I mean I'm a mother but if I never spent time with my friends they would say the same thing. I didn't leave my son overnight to do a weekend with my friends this weekend and they understand that. But if I couldn't even leave him for an hour to go have lunch then they'd be saying the same thing. My mom suggests I leave him more all the time. It isn't from a hurtful place it's from one of experience. I will be having another baby soon and therefore be in the hospital for 2/3 nights. I haven't left him overnight yet but my mom is right, I better do it before he has to do it for several nights. That's just fair to him to get him use to it at least.

 

[TheNewMrs]

Wow a LOT of people getting defensive about things I hadn't mentioned! If mu post made you feel like a bad parent, remember this
a) I didn't mention anyone elses parenting but my own
b) Feelings come from within, not without. So it was there before you read my post!
c) I do not give a monky's what people think of my parenting!

my so called "friends" are more than welcome to hang out with us, but I'm a Mum now so I always have a little person with me. Thats just life for us now and I love it! Take it or leave it but I will NOT be leaving her to please anyone but myself, my hubby and my daughter

 

[MrsPear]

Personally I don't think babies 'need' to spend time away from their parents. Nor do I think babies 'need' to be with their parents 24/7. Therefore, whichever way you have to/choose to do things, your baby will flourish and be okay as long as they are surrounded by people who love them and care for them. That can be many people including parents, grandparents, friends and professional childcarers.


I think it's a decision entirely up to the parent. I think it's incredibly rude for someone else to try and convince you they know better than you do about your own family and what your needs/wishes are regarding looking after your child. I'd actually be very hurt if my friends suggested I ever 'needed' to spend time away from Joni even if it was just for lunch or something. I'd wonder how they knew what was best for me. Similarly I'd be upset if the grandparents suggested Joni 'needed' to spend time alone with them. To me, the parents wishes should be respected at all times. That's the part that would annoy me with regards to the original post.

 

[Dk1234]

I just don't understand why anyone would be hurt by this suggestion. I mean do you really think they people suggesting it have mallice behind it?

 

[manchester1]

i think people dont leave their kids at all for their own needs rather than their babies.
what happens if theres an emergency and you have to be away from your child, they will be totally unprepared it would be so much harder on you and on them.
what about when they go to nursery?
i dont think when people say you should leave them they mean for days or for overnight, but say a couple of hours.

but i also think it depends on if you have someone you feel confident leaving your child with.

 

[MrsPear]

I just don't understand why anyone would be hurt by this suggestion. I mean do you really think they people suggesting it have mallice behind it?

Maybe you're right, I'm not really thinking about it from that perspective. If my friend (for example) said, "Why don't you come out for lunch, you must be pretty tired looking after a baby 24/7" then I guess no, I think they would just be looking out for me. I suppose I'm imagining someone asking and asking as though I "need" to do something rather than making suggestions about whether I want to and helping me arrange it (which I must admit would be a really nice thing to do because I admit it's easy to completely forget about the person with a baby and that is hurtful too).

For me, I don't really feel a need to leave Joni (and I'm job hunting right now so I don't have a job at the moment or have to leave her for any reason like that) so the couple of times I've felt people have been 'on my case' about leaving her and acting like I'm strange for not doing so, I've been a little hurt and interpreted it like they think I'm a) not doing the right thing, or b) not worth bothering about if they have to adapt to something a little more child friendly once in a while.

I do take your point that sometimes people can make suggestions about your baby and they might be trying to help even if it turns out you have a different idea of what to do (not just leaving the baby but all sorts of parenting things), and they aren't being malicious. Is that what you mean? xx

 

[midori1999]

I just don't understand why anyone would be hurt by this suggestion. I mean do you really think they people suggesting it have mallice behind it?

It wouldn't hurt me and no one would say anything to me anyway, but although I don't thinks here is malice behind these suggestions, I do think its a case of other people criticising the parenting of others if they question how much time they spend with their children, whether they think its too much or not enough.

It's the same as someone saying perhaps a Mum should stop breast feeding or give some formula as she must be tired or tied to the baby all the time, or need some time to herself.... It's not invited and its not welcomed by most.

 

[overcomer79]

I have a friend who's four year old got kicked out of preschool because he couldn't handle being away from his mom...

My son was fine with others until 18 months and then started getting the typical separation anxiety.

I really don't think you will avoid the separation anxiety phase by leaving them. I worked since my son was six weeks old so he has always been cared by someone else as well as my daughter.

 

[Dk1234]

I just don't think that's a comment on your parenting I think it's just people trying to be understanding. Being a mom is hard work and being a SAHM is hard too. I am far more offended when people act like I have it so easy because I only work for people when they take vacations so I'm home all the time. I think people are just commenting on how you need to take time for yourself too. Thing is I think moms feel guilty for leaving their babies and that's why they don't do it much, I know I do. I should also say I hardly ever leave my son but I think it would do is both some good if I relaxed on that a bit. Maybe when people are suggesting this they aren't saying your kid would be better off if you did, maybe they're simply saying it doesn't make you a bad mom for wanting a few hours to yourself to be a normal human being rather than super mom.

 

[overcomer79]

I just don't think that's a comment on your parenting I think it's just people trying to be understanding. Being a mom is hard work and being a SAHM is hard too. I am far more offended when people act like I have it so easy because I only work for people when they take vacations so I'm home all the time. I think people are just commenting on how you need to take time for yourself too. Thing is I think moms feel guilty for leaving their babies and that's why they don't do it much, I know I do. I should also say I hardly ever leave my son but I think it would do is both some good if I relaxed on that a bit. Maybe when people are suggesting this they aren't saying your kid would be better off if you did, maybe they're simply saying it doesn't make you a bad mom for wanting a few hours to yourself to be a normal human being rather than super mom.

True story....when we went through the hell we did with my daughter. A friend offered to keep her over night for us. Everyone slept better. My daughter even slept through the night! I don't know what we would have done without her

 

[sg2011]

And I have left my daughter overnight with her grandparents many times and have zero regrets. Honestly, who cares?

 

[NoodleSnack]

It's not really anyone's business but your own.

I also don't see why people always say 'what if you had to leave them in an emergency?' as if that is somehow going ot be different for the child than if you leave them for the first time in a planned situation.

I don't leave my daughter overnight ever. I seriously doubt I ever will leave her overnight until she is old enough to ask to go herself, if she wants to. I didn't do the same with my boys and now I look back on it I feel sad that I wasted their young childhood in a way and so much of me thinks I wasn't really ready to be a parent then and that I have much more to give now.

I also didn't leave my daughter with anyone except her Dad until she was about 9 months old and even when she was left with her Dad, except one night out it was while I popped to the shops etc. The first time I did leave her with a friend, she was just fine, no crying, just fine. She is now 20 months and is a happy and secure child and so secure she will happily stay with someone she hasn't even met before. (We use an agency for babysitting now as I would rather have a 'professional' and although we know the sitters now, we didn 't the first time they sat)

I am my own person, I do have a life of my own, but my children are my life and I don't feel any desperate need to spend time away from them.

You can accustom a baby to minders slowly when you have the time, like another poster has said, first she's there, then she goes away for a shower and so on...in an emergency, you don't have time so baby just get put into a situation they never learn to deal with. But I think this thread is more about mummy's separation anxiety and that situation will resolve itself in time cause every mother will have to learn to let her child be away from her at some point in time eventually.

After four children I have never had to leave them gradually to get accustomed to being left. Not one of them has cried when left for the first time. If children cry or get upset when left in an emergency, I'd suggest its more because they realise something is wrong and they are picking up on the emotions of those around them.

I'm not going to leave my children on a regular basis, when I don't think it is best for me or them on the off chance there may be some emergency that leaves neither myself or my husband able to care for them, just because some random stranger or relative thinks that is best.

And how patronising to suggest this thread is about or the OP has separation anxiety. She has said several times she has left her baby previously but generally does not feel any need to have time away from him.

Sounds like your children can deal with strangers, doesn't mean all children are like that and in fact one of the posters above has said her child was very stressed when away from her. I have also seen older children unable to cope with being away from their mother even when not in an emergency so your theory doesn't hold water.

You don't need to leave your child because some random stranger or relative think it's best, you might do that if you come to the realisation yourself that it's best. If you don't, then don't.

I don't mean to be patronising, but it seems to be the case that the baby has no problem being away from mummy, but mummy doesn't want to leave baby if at all possible, when that happens in children, it's called separation anxiety so that's what I call it. And it's completely fine as long as things go well, but the OP asked why she needs to leave her child with others, and we gave her our reasons why we do it, doesn't mean she has to agree or follow anything written here.

It doesn't seem like 'Mummy' doesn't want to leave the baby if at all possible, it seems like she doesn't feel she has any need to. That is something completely different.

I can happily leave my own daughter if I need to for some reason, but I rarely do because I don't see the need. She can easily accompany me on doctors visits, shopping etc its no trouble and she enjoys the outings and they are learning experiences for her.

I think the problem is, some people fail to understand a parent enjoying spending so much time with their child.

Maybe she doesn't feel she needs to, but from her posts, it's also clear she doesn't want to. She said she stays at home so she won't have to, she only left the child a few times and for grocery trips, and made some strong comment about her child not being separated from her. I made my impression from her posts here. I don't know your situation so wasn't commenting on you.

Which poster has said that they don't understand a parent enjoying spending so much time with their child? I never exclude that as a reason for her to not want to leave her child. Some children also don't want to leave their mother because they like having her looking after them best. I see it as a parallel situation.

Nor are people who choose to leave their child doing so because they don't enjoy that much time with their children BTW. In fact, letting a child spend time with others doesn't mean one doesn't want to be with them, sometimes some parents choose to do that even when they miss them because they feel it's best for the child and they choose to put the child's interest before their own enjoyment. If you don't think it's in their best interest, then of course don't do it despite what people say.

 

[shorman]

It's a weird as when I had my eldest daughter I didn't want to leave her with anyone not even DH but she's me got a little older I would say over ten months I started to think it would be nice means OH to go out Together and get a break but it was when i felt ready to do so and if op is not ready fair enough, with my youngest I still will not let him go to his grandparents for a few hours as I think he is to young and I don't like leaving him, but my girls there two and three now and they ask to go see there grandparents all the time.