Will it ever get better?!

[Cupcake_Queen]

Firstly I'm sorry if ths ends up being a giant post about my issues but I have nowhere else I can turn to at the moment without being judged and I'm feeling more helpless than ever
Basically, I have no bond with my daughter. She is 3 and I am still waiting for that spark and overwhelming love to consume me.....I just feel angry She was born in May 2011, after a pretty straight forwar pregnancy with the only issues being with her father, we fought constantly, i was always stressed and trying to pay for everything while he went out. Her birth was a nightmare. My waters broke while I was at home but no contractions started so I was given 24hrs to have her due to the risk of infection, she flipped over during labour causing me imense pains, ended up with an epidural that missed 4 times, eventually it was done and I got some sleep but the contractions stopped and at 9 and a half cm, 26hrs later I was rushed for an emergency c-section, she was born in the very early hours with me being already exhausted...the epidural wore off and I felt everything, ended up under general anesthetic so I didnt get the skin to skin contact or anything, the 1st thing I knew of having a baby was waking in the morning with this screaming baby girl in her cot and me being alone with her. She had horrific colic and reflux, did nothing but cry, i attempted BF but she made me so sore from flapping about with the colic and threw up every feed. I eventually went home after 3 days and was in agony trying to do all the housework alone and look after this screaming baby. She would only settle on her tummy which caused the HV to get funny with me to the point I stopped seeing them. It was the only way she ever stopped screaming! By 6 months she was on formula, sleeping through the night on her tummy but I never had the close bond that I saw with all my other friends and their babies, she wouldnt cuddle me, it just made her cry, I couldnt carry her around or snuggle her as it made her sick or scream, I was living 200 miles from my family and friends with a partner who was cheating and basically hated me..........then 2 days before her 1st Christmas my dad was killed in a car crash back home, I was devastated, truthfully I still am!! I was suffering with PND, miles from anyone, lowest I have ever been and I just never had that bond Eventually I managed to move closer to home but my relationship with her dad fell apart...after I found out I was expecting our 2nd child. We tried to patch it up but it didnt work, our son was born March 2013, simple natural birth (although the car did brake down on the way....) and I fell in love with him instantly. He was such a cute cuddly baby, I could sit holding him for hours, play with him, take him out. Meanwhile I was having a nightmare time with my daughter who had cnstant tantrums, wouldnt speak no matter how much time I spent with her and didnt want to be anywhere near her brother. Anyway....eventually me and their father split, It wasnt nice at all but thankfully we get on really well now and the kids adore him.
Last year I managed to find my old college boyfriend on facebook, I had lost contact with him when I moved away after 9yrs of wanting him - we started talking again and now I am very happy to say he is back in our lives for good, personally I have never been happier!! The kids absolutely love him, My daughter chose to call him Daddy but also calls her bio-dad Daddy - they are her favourite people. My son cuddles him and plays with him all the time and is very close to speaking. My daughter started learning so much more when my partner came along and eventually even started speaking......anyway...waffling....he has been amazing for her!! However....I still have no bond!! She screams non-stop for me, slamsdoors, throws, toys, shouts, wails, stamps about, refuses to use the toilet/potty even though with her dads, nanny, anyone else she asks to go and uses it perfectly, I get nappies filled as I cant put her in big girl pants as she just soils them and shouts at me I cant cuddle with her, play with her, do anything without a tantrum, even getting breakfast/lunch...she only eats if its made by someone else. I have her 24/7, 7 days a week while my partner works full-time and her bio-dad lives 50miles away and works full time too. Every day trip turns into a nightmare, I feel like im wasting my time doing anything with her. She is starting pre-school next month (thank god!) so I get some time free but I just want that bond I see with all my friends and family. My family tell me what an angel she is and say they will have her anytime but when it comes to it everyone is busy and im stuck with her tantrums My son misses out because I cant take her out alone without a scene or me getting stressed/upset.....twist to the tale....I'm now 33wks pregnant with my partners baby!! I am absolutely over the moon, we all are, but im terrified!! It took 7mths to concieve my daughter, over a year for my son...this time I got pregnant on the pill!! I wouldnt change it for the world but I'm stressed to bits, sick of tantrums and worried about when Baby 3 gets here she is going to be worse than ever, i'm going to get down again or have PND and go through it all over again I love her, I really do, she is my little girl and I would never be without her, but why can't she just enjoy being with me?! treat me like everyone else?! I hate feeling jealous seeing her cuddle my partner or telling her bio-dad and his new gf how much she loves them. I have been off work since she was born as a full-time mum, I am devoted to her and have only had about 10 nights away from her in 3 years Will I ever stop feeling like this? Sorry for the rant, I just need to get everything off my chest before I burst xxxxxx

 

[Krissykat1006]

I don't have a lot of time to reply but in short...you will feel that bond. My son was born emergency C-section and whisked away to a childrens hospital for 3 weeks. I didn't get any bonding experience with him and even when he came home I felt more like a caregiver than his mother. His father and I divorced when he was almost 2 and l also ended up reconnecting with an old school crush and we've been together 10 years now. I think my son was almost 5 when I finally started to bond. I just started feeling very connected and protective of him when he started school and it just grew and grew. So don't feel awful that you haven't had that connection yet. For some of us it takes a lot longer than we would like to admit, but we get there!