Worried about infection after loss and ERPC at 14 weeks PG

[poppy666]

Never feel ashamed of yourself ever, you have been to hell and back and still trying to get through a day sweetie. My OH would love you because ive had my new car for over a year and never washed it once lol.

As for the house and where to start, maybe draw up a little rota for yourself spread over the next 3mths of which room to tackle first and take 1 hour in that room then come out and leave for the next day or 2nd day??

Maybe a little start on one room for an hour will help you get a little motivated to stay in that room half an hour more in a few days and so on

Nobody has put a time limit on when it should be done, just do a bit at a time x

 

[Suze]

Hi nice to see you back

Don't worry about your house, I do understand about you feeling you need to get it organised, I'm a bit like that. If things aren't organised in the house I think it has a reflection on how I feel mentally too. Poopy's idea was good though, just biting off a few small chunks at a time, don't put too much pressure on yourself at all

 

[allmuddledup]

I'm sorry about jumping straight into a pity party and not even being civilised and addressing your posts. Thank you Poppy, Pip and Suze for your comments. I hope that you are all doing as well as possibly can be. Congratulations to you Suze on all your big news. I wish it was me looking at a BFP but I am realising I am way to big a mess right now to be ready for that. I just want to skip the whole painful and nervewracking TTC process. Lucky lucky you!! Anyway, I've got my fingers crossed that this is the one you get to keep. Hoping that for all of us actually, when our next BFPs arrive.

To reply to your Qs Suze, we went to Göttingen. It's my 5th time to go. one of my oldest and dearest friends is from there and it's my favourite place to go on holiday whenever I get the chance. What was your mum doing in Duesseldorf?? Have you got Deutsche blood?

As for the return of AF, honestly I just did my best not to think about it. I felt a little sad sometimes and a bit relieved at others. I was mostly just numb and also marvelling at the sheer amount of blood. I don't remember ever having a period that heavy and it lasted for over a week in all. I noticed a bit of yellow CM today which is new for me. Don't know what it means, if anything.

As for TTC, I would love to get a BFP but am not in a good place for making it happen at the moment. I'm totally not looking after myself or my diet (which is pretty important with PCOS) and my home looks like a disaster which I've told myself I should sort out before TTC again. I meant to deal with it before I conceived Gerri. I really think I should focus on getting my life together before trying to bring a baby into the mix again. I figured my nesting instinct would kick in when I fell pregnant last time but I just felt exhausted and sick all the time and never even started. I dunno... I don't feel like I deserve a baby right now, even if I could conceive right away. In the meantime, we are continuing with NTNP. It's the best option at this stage considering everything.

How about you Poppy? How is your cycle coming along? Does the soy seem to be working for you this cycle?

 

[poppy666]

WOW I missed that one, has Suze got a BFP?

afm i dont know whats going on with my last 2 cycles, they've changed to 26 daysand ovulating on CD10 im thinking that isnt enough time for a mature egg to be fertilised, just dont know what to do. Soy i have no idea if it works or not till my cycle ends but with this short follicular phase i cant see it working, maybe i should just call it a day

 

[Suze]

Ellen don't say that you don't 'deserve' a baby right now You never know where NTNP might lead you, are you still up to speed with what cd you are on?
Poppy sorry your cycles are all over the place. I don't even know if I had an actual proper af, however I did get positive opk's at the 'normal' time. It's all so confusing

Yeah I got a very unexpected bfp this week, based on one and using the withdrawal method I'm feeling very nervous about it but I have to say having had no ttc pressure was nice. Also Mark proposed!

Ellen I'm half German, Mum is German. I've never actually lived there just done a lot of visiting! Mum lived in the UK for 30+ years and moved back 18 years ago however moved back to the UK again last year after I had Ava who is her only grandchild. I've just booked flights today to go over for a wedding in May

 

[pip7890]

Hello Stranger. Good to have you back. Glad Germany worked out for you.

You have had a hell of a time so please don't beat yourself up about the pace at which you are moving forward. The main thing is you are moving forward!

Poppy has given you some good advice about tackling what needs to be done. Have you got some close friends you can draft in to help? I'm good with a bin bag. How far are you from North Yorkshire?

Keep your chin up. We're here to support you.

Big hugs.

Pip x

 

[poppy666]

Oops i was thinking you lived in Surrey? North Yorkshire isnt that far from me

Suze huge congratulations on proposal and BFP awww fx'd everything goes well lovely

 

[pip7890]

I live near Harrogate Poppy.

Congratulations Suze.

Let me know if there is anything I can do to help Ellen.

Pip x

 

[poppy666]

I go through Harrogate every Sunday heading to Durham to see friends with my little one... Yes Ellen me and Pip ready to roll our sleeves up and muck in if needed xx

Edited ahhh got wires crossed lol Ellen lives in Surrey, i thought she lived nearer ie Yorkshire...

 

[pip7890]

Lol. I've no idea where anyone lives! Offer still stands to help. Got car can travel!

Pip x

 

[allmuddledup]

Hello again everybody! It's good to see so much action here again. Both Suze & Poppy replied at the same time I was writing my last post.

YES, that is a very good suggestion Poppy. I think I may try making a list of all the jobs/piles/corners/shelves/cupboards/boxes that need addressing, room by room, and think about what order I will attempt to tackle them in, starting with the easiest, working my way down the list. I find that organising myself on paper helps my get my head round things.

Oh Pip, I wish we were neighbours! Unfortunately, I'm all the way down in SW greater London. I'd have you all round if you wanted to join me!!

Suze, that's really cool about your half-Germaness. I hope you enjoy your trip in May. We are talking about going again for our family holiday in the summer. I'm America myself but been living in the UK for nearly 7 years. Don't have any family here. OH doesn't have much family either and no one that would be willing to get their hands dirty with my mess I'm afraid. I do have a few friends that I might be able to recruit for a little time here and there. It's just a matter of being ready to deal with it myself before I can justify dragging anyone else into if IYKWIM.

OH is waiting for me to come to bed now. He is being really optimistic and showing his support. Just need to keep the momentum going til we achieve something!

 

[poppy666]

Well you know where we are if you need us, sleep well sweetie

 

[allmuddledup]

Wow, I missed a whole bunch of other replies that you lovely ladies left while I was writing my last reply.

I woke up at about 5:30, not intentional! LO & OH are still sleeping. Wish I was! I had a really weird dream that I fell pregnant under mysterious circumstances (the 'father' was an old female friend that I fell out with years ago - how does THAT happen?? Lol. Then, after finding out I was pregnant I spent the rest if the dream running around the hospital trying to find my consultant and my antenatal vitamins! Very weird dream.) A few nights ago I dreamed I went back to work and completely fell apart. I kept trying to tell the supervisers that I needed to leave cuz I was freaking out and they wouldn't listen to me and wouldn't let me leave. I woke up very panicked. Honestly, I don't know that I'm really ready to return to work but I feel like I should try. I've agreed a return to work date with my supervisor - the 2nd March. I have an appointment with Occ Health on Tuesday to create a return-to-work plan. I wish it was sooner so I knew what to expect in regards to my hours, etc. I have a few appointments scheduled that I need to work around (psychiatrist, psychologist, Physiotherapy). I'm not looking forward to going back but I know I can't continue to sit at home in my hovel and expect to get better either. I'm completely lacking in motivation right now.

Thank you so much Pip for your offer. It really is a very long way to mine though (yes Poppy, you are right, I am in Surrey, the north edge near Kingston upon Thames). I wouldn't feel right asking anyone to come that distance when I don't even know if I will be ready to deal with the problem yet myself. I think Poppy's suggestion about taking on an hour every couple of days might work for me. I freak out when I try to think of doing more than that. I spent the whole day yesterday just looking around me thinking 'where can I start?' and just shying away from it altogether. OH said he'd help me today. We have LO underfoot though as it's still half-term so I don't expect much to actually happen.

In other (happier) news, OH and I DTD for the first time since before I went to Germany. We were both really knackered and we didn't think we even had the energy for it but we managed to find the spark. I am trying not to let myself get obsessed about conceiving again but even in my sleep it's happening. That's part of what woke me up at 5:30 - Dreaming about it!! I'm not even fertile right now! In answer to your Q Suze, I'm on CD13 which means I probably have another week before my body even tries to ovulate (my cycles have ranged from 33 to 44 days in the last year). Even when it does come time, I don't know if I will actually ovulate. It's not uncommon for me to have annovulatory cycles where my body tries (I get LH surge and ov pain) but either an egg doesn't come forth or it does and my progesterone level poops out and, either way, it does not succeed. The cycle I conceived Gerri I had been on a low-GI diet for 5 weeks and I ovulated on CD30. I don't really have much hope that I will conceive right now as I have not been looking after myself, particularly in regards to my diet, which obviously has a big impact on my fertility. I don't know how many of my cycles were annovulatory after the miscarriage but I know that at least one was (and 5 other cycles when we didn't conceive despite excellent timing). Sadly, it's more than just timing when dealing with PCOS. I need to sort myself out.

 

[pip7890]

How overwhelmed you feel at the moment is bouncing off the page at me. I understand that feeling as I've often found myself in that position. The fact that you recognise it is very good.

As much as you are a super woman, you are NOT "superwoman"! I think deep down you know what needs to be done but you've just lost your way a little. When I get like that (and I do because I have a depressive personality) I take a deep breath, get my pen and paper out and plan. What's a priority? What's not? What can I delegate? What do I need to do myself? and so on. When I'm being "attacked" from all directions I can't function. When I "order" those thoughts and actions I'm better able to focus and therefore cope.

I'm doing this by phone at the moment so not quite as eloquent as I'd like to be.

Enjoy your day with LO and OH.



Pip x

 

[allmuddledup]

Thank you Pip. That was perfectly eloquent. I'm taking mental notes. Will be dragging out my paper and pen soon as well. It helps to have it laid out like that. Thank you. Xoxox

 

[allmuddledup]

I've managed to deal with the clothes in my bedroom that, for the last several months, have been living in a laundry basket or piled up on the floor in front of my wardrobe. I sifted through them and was able to let go of several items that I've been holding onto for years but no longer needed. I also finally managed to put all of my maternity clothes into a bag which my OH will be hauling into the loft later. What's left is an assortment of clothes I mostly wear or hope to be wearing in the near future once I stop binge eating and get back on a low-GI diet. Truthfully, I'd rather be wearing the maternity clothes!! I don't want to put pressure on myself and get stressed out about TTC though. Sigh.

I hit my limit on the scales today (I refuse to weigh more than 13 stone ever again unless I'm pregnant!) and am trying to be sensible about what I put in my mouth, something I've pretty much disregarded for the last 2 months. Sadly, I have lots of delightful treats in the kitchen that I only bought in the last few weeks (including some wonderful German goodies) that I need to either find a new home for or find the strength to ration out to myself and family in tiny portions only so as to put a stop to this super-unhealthy streak I am on. I don't know if I can find the discipline to control myself. One thing I must do though - stop bringing junk food into the house!!! That's easy enough for me to do. The real challenge lies in not eating it once it is in the house.

I was just reading over the latest posts. Wanted to say I'm sorry to hear your cycles are still wacky Poppy. How are you feeling now? I've heard repeatedly that it can take up to 3 cycles after a miscarriage for everything to truly get back to normal. Of course there is no harm TTC, just might not be able to expect your body to be acting entirely normal yet. My cycles never were quite normal at the best of times so I'm not holding my breath for a BFP anytime soon, especially when my weight is so high and diet so poor. Eating so badly with PCOS is like poking a bear with a stick. It can't end well.

I have a feeling that when I get a grip on myself and get back on the low-GI diet we'll have some luck, whether NTNP or actively TTC. I hope. I'm just taking things one day at a time still. I think I will be able to get some discipline with my diet back once I am in a regular routine and at work again. Work gives me a structure that I just don't create on my own. I hope I don't have to dig too deep to find the motivation required to stick to the diet. It's not even complex, it mostly just requires planning ahead so I have the right foods around me at the right time and resisting the stuff that messes up my blood-sugar levels. I've been on a rather self-destructive bent lately with all the junk I have consumed in such large quantities. Lucky for me, my OH is really into fitness (but still appreciates his lady well padded, thank god!) so he will help keep me on the straight & narrow if I ask him to. Have I mentioned lately how lucky I am with my OH? He's wonderful.

How are my lovely buddies doing? I hope all is well for each of you.

 

[pip7890]

I'm at work so shouldn't be posting and should be packing up and heading out of the door. However, I didn't want to read and run.

WELL DONE YOU!

You have actually achieved a lot today, and it is clear you have great insight into what's troubling you and what you need to do to put it right. As I was reading I thought I can identify with that, she's punishing herself and lo and behold in the next paragraph you go and say that!

I'm about a 1lb short of 13stone and being just over 5'4" it isn't a good look! I was only 12st 7lb when I was full term with my son 14 years ago so I can't blame baby weight. I too have been punishing myself recently, don't want to put the maternity clothes away, keep putting on elasticated waistbands and putting off the gym!

Come on. How's about we kick each other's backsides?!!!

I'm really proud of you.



Pip x

 

[allmuddledup]

You said it Pip. You are an incredibly insightful woman. It hadn't even occurred to me that I am punishing myself, but that is exactly what I'm doing. I was reading through some of your old posts. It sounds like we have at least a few things in common. I really appreciate your advice and support. As for backside kicking, I'm in!

I am proud of myself today. After getting up early to drive OH to the train station for work, instead of driving straight home and climbing back into bed like I would normally do, I drove down to the swimming pool to enquire about rates & lessons for my son (something I have meant to do for about 2 years), then drove us home & fixed breakfast. I've decided that I am going to start each day with a healthy low-GI breakfast even if I don't manage to eat anything else right, it's a place to start. When I'm ready I will start changing other meals. Dinner is the easiest meal for me to get right at the moment so I will probably stick to that most of the time as well. The real challenge will lie in getting lunch right and cutting out the really naugty snacks and binge-eating on junk food. That's my weak spot at the moment.

Today is the 2 monthiversary of losing Gerri. I still feel very sad about it (I always will, I'm sure) but I don't feel as debilitated by the fact that we lost her and I feel almost ready to move on now. I think packing away the maternity clothes yesterday was a good first step. Getting my health back on track is the next. I think the house will fall into line if I can just stay focussed on doing the right things for myself and my family. I don't want to fall back down that dark scary tunnel of depression. It took a holiday to pull me out of it and I can't afford another one of those for a while. I really hope I can keep my chin up and not fall apart again.

I'm off to have a bath and a shave now so I can take my son swimming (something else I haven't done for about 2 years except for when we've been on holiday). Here's to taking baby-steps in the right direction! Wish me luck!!

 

[allmuddledup]

Well, I managed to take my son to the pool but we got there so late we only had half an hour to swim (which was enough for me, but not enough for Xander) as he had a birthday party to go to after. When it was time to go, he scuttled off in the other direction and didn't get out of the pool until about the 5th time I called him which really frustrated me and I lost my temper with him. I was doing so well until my frustrated meltdown (hopefully he'll listen next time anyway) but am feeling really down on myself again.

It didn't help that we were late arriving at the party and someone from the school that I am rather uncomfortable around (long story that boils down to gossip and politics at his school) greeted us at the door which just brought back my paranoia about what's happened there (I can still barely face dropping him off and picking him up from school because of it) and now I am waiting for pick-up time to roll around. I am feeling rather inadequate and insecure at the moment.

On a positive note, I have managed to eat very healthily today with no binges. I hope I can still say that by the end of the day. I really should try not to expect too much of myself though. The greater the expectations, the greater the fall when I slip up. Not the greatest optimism there, I know. Just trying to be realistic.

 

[pip7890]

I am proud of myself today.

After getting up early to drive OH to the train station for work, instead of driving straight home and climbing back into bed like I would normally do, I drove down to the swimming pool to enquire about rates & lessons for my son (something I have meant to do for about 2 years), then drove us home & fixed breakfast.

Wow, look at all the positive actions you got involved in BEFORE breakfast! You're right to be proud of yourself.

I've decided that I am going to start each day with a healthy low-GI breakfast even if I don't manage to eat anything else right, it's a place to start. When I'm ready I will start changing other meals. Dinner is the easiest meal for me to get right at the moment so I will probably stick to that most of the time as well. The real challenge will lie in getting lunch right and cutting out the really naugty snacks and binge-eating on junk food. That's my weak spot at the moment.

That sounds like a really sensible approach - baby steps again! I'm a sucker for chocolate myself, hence the waistline!

Today is the 2 monthiversary of losing Gerri. I still feel very sad about it (I always will, I'm sure) but I don't feel as debilitated by the fact that we lost her and I feel almost ready to move on now. I think packing away the maternity clothes yesterday was a good first step.

I lost my baby on 26 December at 10w 3d. I'd just bought lots of maternity clothes as I was very bloated and due to head off for a foreign holiday a couple of weeks later. After the miscarriage I just put the clothes in a drawer. Every time I open it I'm reminded of what I've lost. I think I will follow your lead tomorrow and put them away in a suitcase. I have to keep believing I will get to use them again.

Getting my health back on track is the next. I think the house will fall into line if I can just stay focussed on doing the right things for myself and my family. I don't want to fall back down that dark scary tunnel of depression.

Each day you are a little bit stronger but you won't notice it until you need your strength. It's like you don't see how your LO grows day by day, but when someone sees him after a month or so they're surprised how much he's grown. Your strength is like that. It will keep on growing.

Good luck!

Well, I managed to take my son to the pool but we got there so late we only had half an hour to swim (which was enough for me, but not enough for Xander) as he had a birthday party to go to after. When it was time to go, he scuttled off in the other direction and didn't get out of the pool until about the 5th time I called him which really frustrated me and I lost my temper with him. I was doing so well until my frustrated meltdown (hopefully he'll listen next time anyway) but am feeling really down on myself again.

Well done for getting to the pool - 30 minutes would be more than enough for me too. Good to see that you LO is behaving completely normal! Doesn't get better, mine is still like that at times and he's 14!!!! If I don't have a meltdown at least once a week they start worrying about me!!!

It didn't help that we were late arriving at the party and someone from the school that I am rather uncomfortable around (long story that boils down to gossip and politics at his school) greeted us at the door which just brought back my paranoia about what's happened there (I can still barely face dropping him off and picking him up from school because of it) and now I am waiting for pick-up time to roll around. I am feeling rather inadequate and insecure at the moment.

You can't change what people think of you, nor can you change their behaviour BUT you can change how you think of yourself and how you behave. Rise above it. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent (not my quote - it's off a fridge magnet!!)

On a positive note, I have managed to eat very healthily today with no binges. I hope I can still say that by the end of the day. I really should try not to expect too much of myself though. The greater the expectations, the greater the fall when I slip up. Not the greatest optimism there, I know. Just trying to be realistic.

I'm so impressed with you. What a great day you've had.



Pip x