Worried about infection after loss and ERPC at 14 weeks PG

[poppy666]

Yes your right they can be thoughtful sometimes, mine just forgets at the wrong times lol... yep i better think of tea too, cya later x

 

[allmuddledup]

Oh, forgot to mention Ewwwww! about the exploded nappy. Hope you don't end up with a tummy bug or something. I remember the days of nasty nappies, oh how I hope to see those days again sometime. Lol. It's been too long since I had a baby get sick all over me. Haha. Xox

 

[poppy666]

It was for me lol my other son is 17 so huge age gap

 

[allmuddledup]

That's a huge gap! Did I read rightly somewhere that you have 3 grown sons? Do you mind if I ask what made you decide to have more children after all that time? That's like living a double lifetime in motherhood. Wow. What do your big boys think of their littlest brother? Xox

 

[poppy666]

My 3 older boys are to my ex husband, they're 20,19 and 18.. The boys love little korben bless them, been with my OH for 17yrs and tried for 6yrs to concieve with no luck so went to have tests which came back as 'unexplained infertility' and commenced to IVF on the NHS..

We went down to St Mary's to start treatment ISCI but the day of treatment they found a small cyst on my ovary so decided to put me on the pill for 6wks to shrink the cyst before we could go ahead with the treatment. A few weeks after finishing the pill and waiting for AF to go back to St Mary's i suffered a Pulmonary Embolism and needed to go on Warfarin for 6mths, so basically treatment was cancelled until i was off the Warfarin.

5 days off the Warfarin i went out for the night with my OH and friends to enjoy a few drinks because i wasnt allowed to drink on the blood thinners etc.. That weekend we concieved Korben 'naturally' and may i say we was totally drunk

Dont know what helped concieve him 'maybe my blood was still thinner than usually only being off the Warfarin 5 days?' but we was blessed . We decided to try one more time because of the age gap of my other 3 boys and wanting so much for korben not to grow up an only child in a way, so was very lucky to concieve again, but sadly lost at 9wks. Sounds sad now but we'd nearly decided on names for our lost angel because we couldnt make our mind up with Korben's. For a boy either Devon or Kasper. Girl either Destiny or Savannah

I think someone was watching over me the night i suffered the Pulmonary Embolism because it was also the same date 18th Jan that my mum passed away at the age of 52 from the same condition So if i get pregnant again i have to self injected Tinzaparin which is a blood thinner whilst pregnant. I did it all the way through whilst carrying Korben and 6wks after he was born, small price to pay to keep me and baby safe.

 

[allmuddledup]

Wow Poppy, you've really been through it!! What a blessing to have conceived Korben when you did as well. It's crazy how unpredictable this whole fertility thing can be and amazing that you conceived so soon when you started trying again after Korben. I'm so sorry your littlest one didn't make it. I don't really know much about the condition you have but isn't medical science amazing? I'm so glad there is something they could do for you (and seems more than a coincidence that you conceived so soon after the blood thinners!) I've heard of ladies using baby aspirin when trying to conceive. Is that something that might help you with the blood issues you have?

Are any of your big boys still at home or have they all flown the nest now? I can't even picture Xander getting that old but I know, logically, that he will someday. I marvel at how much he's changed and grown in the last year and can almost start to imagine him being a teenager, at least in personality. Hah.

Well, I took some of the biggest steps today towards being ready for Gerri's funeral. I finished the photographs for her last night (or rather the wee hours of today) and tonight after getting X to bed I wrote her letter and put all the photographs together with it. I will be taking everything down to the hospital tomorrow to give to the bereavement office so they can pass it all to the undertakers when they come for Gerri.

It was nice cuddling with her cuddly toy during my nap today. I sort of wish I had been doing it since I bought it but I might have gotten too attached to it, and it's Gerri's. I think I'll sleep with it tonight though. Gives a bit more meaning to it and is no longer just something I picked off a shelf in a shop. As sappy as I may sound, I am slowly finding a sense of peace through doing these little things. I've barely even cried these last three days (okay, I cried when I wrote her letter but I feel better for it now).

Thank you for sharing more of your story with me Poppy. You've been through so much. I really hope that you will be able to conceive again soon, when your body is ready of course. Sounds like that drunken night with your OH when you conceived Korben was a magic ticket! Lol. Did you find you were fairly relaxed when you managed to conceive last time? For me, the last two times I conceived it was when I just gave up and assumed it wouldn't happen... Then it did!!! Typical, eh? I'm secretly (secret from myself, hah) hoping that our NTNP will have positive results but I'm also truly not ready to TTC yet after everything I've just been through with Gerri. Out of respect to her (and the basic need to heal) I won't be actively TTC for a while, but I don't think she would begrudge a brother or sister coming along in the meantime if they think it's right. I hope that doesn't sound odd.

Well, I'm off for some quality time with OH. I'll prolly pop on later before i go to bed though. Thank you again for sharing. Xoxox

 

[poppy666]

I had the thrombophilia screening after i finished the Warfarin, but all tests came back normal, so dont know why i got the blood clot, some say it could of been the pill that the fertility clinic put me on

I have thought of trying baby asprin because when i concieved korben obviously like i said i was pretty intoxicated lol and alcohol does thin your blood?? not sure but he's our little miracle.

Last time i concieved with my angel i was only actively trying that month.. 2 months prior i was just doing the NTNP, but decided to try Soy isoflavones, Preseed and charting for once and it worked i got my BFP at 9dpo...

Just waiting for my body to sort itself out now and af arrive, may try Soy again to be honest and see what happens.

aww was just thinking of Gerri's soft toy shame you didnt buy two of then you could keep one for yourself after her funeral. Im glad your finding a bit of peace whilst arranging Gerri's funeral i guess its a step nearer to healing, i like to think/believe our angels have a soul and have just gone back to the waiting room until its thier time to meet us

Xander is such a lovely name and your right they grow so fast and before you know it its the dreaded teenage yrs My eldest boy is in the Army Royal Engineers, Middle son has just been accepted into University he wants to be a Chef and youngest is at college doing engineering and also wanting to join the army. Korben i think is going to be an electrician cos he's got a thing for wires lol.

 

[allmuddledup]

It was lovely reading about your boys Poppy. They sound like a wonderful set you can be really proud of. It will be interesting to see what Korben does when he grows up. Xander reckons he'll be a rock star (lol) but we'll see what happens. He's a performer at heart but only time will tell if he's got the focus to get there. Bless him. He's a lovely crazy boy.

Hopefully the problems you had after the pill won't come back. That must have been terrifying to go through. And fingers crossed tight you get lucky again so quickly like last time. As for me, I think my body is making an attempt at ovulation. I'm getting the swollen achy feeling in my abdomen that always comes on when I am ovulating (or trying to - sometimes my body tries and fails). I'll know in a couple of weeks anyway if I've got the signs right.

Well, I made it through the day today quite well though not without some tears. Took the things down to the hospital to go in Gerri's casket, did a test run to the crematorium so I know exactly where I am going, and ordered the flowers. That was probably the easiest part for me and the hardest part for my OH as he has sort of avoided facing any of the other preparations. We took my son to choose a flower as well. As he doesn't yet know about Gerri I said to him "think of what type of flower you would like to give to your little sister if you had one" (he's been telling us to make a baby for him for ages). When we got to the flower shop he said " Mummy, I think we should wait til the baby comes before we choose flowers to see if it's a girl or a boy." Kids are so smart, eh? I didn't know if I was gonna laugh of cry. I just said, let's just think of if you had a sister, what flower would you give her?" He was okay with that and chose some lovely little lilac daisies and went on to tell my OH that he wants to give me red carnations (or rather, that's what he pointed to) for valentines. He's so lovely.

Just cooked tea so off to have that now. I am feeling rather flat tonight. Drained, I suppose. I hope today is going well for you. Hope we hear from Suze soon, I'll haunt her thread later tonight.

 

[Suze]

Hi lovelies, sorry I've not been around, a lot been happening.

Firstly thanks for sharing all about your boys Poppy. it was lovely to hear. They sound like good boys and I laughed at you thinking Korben was going to be an electrician
I think you're right about Ellen buying another of the same toy that was bought for Gerri...it might be lovely for you to keep.

Ellen you asked me about the timing for Joe's funeral, I think it was fine to be honest although I'll be totally honest with you in saying I found it very difficult when it was all over, as people stop asking then and there's an expectation that you just get on with things. You also asked about work. I went back about 8 weeks after Joe. I have to say that I am part time which is why I was able this time to go back sooner, I also have the most amazing boss who has been understanding beyone belief and so I am under no pressure to go back and if I don't want to go in then I just don't go in! The other thing which I think helped is that I actually work with my OH, so I suppose I had additional support at work.

So, today I have been at the crematorium for a combined service for the baby we have just lost. It was really nice, there were 4 other couples there and all the babies were brought in in a coffin that was bigger than Joe's had been. I found it very difficult though sitting listening to similar words and looking again at a white box with my baby that didn't make it in.
In other very major news, my OH has left me There's loads on my journal but basically it started as something very little and he has acted unreasonably and had decided to leave me as he (yes HE) can't cope...he left from the service this afternoon, we went seperately which was weird and he tried to comfort me but to be honest I just didn't want it from me, he has hurt me at a time I'm hurting enough.

Sorry to bring a downer on things, love to you all as usual

 

[allmuddledup]

Oh Suze, I am speechless. I don't know what to say except that I am so sorry to hear what's happening with you and OH. That is devastating news. I really hope you will be able to work through things. So sorry too that you found yourself again facing another funeral for a baby you wanted so badly. You have been through too much. I wish there was something I could do to take away some of the hurt! Sending you the biggest hugs ever Suze.

Thank you for telling me more about your experience when you lost Joe. I hadn't really thought about people's attitudes changing after the funeral but I guess it makes sense as I am sorta expecting to find closure within myself with the funeral and if I don't, I'm not really sure what to do next. I think having this extra time to prepare leading up to it has helped me start to prepare for closure, like I'm doing a last minute check round my internal house, turning out lights, closing doors... So when I finally say good bye, I can feel like I covered everything and didn't leave anything left undone. Of course it's still going to hurt and I'm still going to wish she was here and that things hadn't gone as they did, but I am doing the best I can to do everything I can to heal and let her go in my head (but never my heart).

Again, Suze, I am so sorry to hear what's happening with you. My thoughts are with you, hoping you and Mark will be able to heal, individually and together. XOXOXOX

 

[allmuddledup]

I have just found myself thinking in the last couple days, what will I wear to Gerri's funeral? I am very much a jeans and t-shirt kinda gal and have very little clothing in the way of respectable looking (except for my work clothes which I don't want to wear to her funeral). Also, I kinda stopped looking after things around the house a while back and all my clothes are in a big laundry basket now instead of the wardrobe. So... I'm thinking, I need to trawl through the basket, navigating around all the maternity clothes I really should hide away somewhere because I cry when I see them, and hope I pull something out that will look halfway respectable for my baby's funeral. Or maybe I should go shopping. I just feel so crap right now though, the last thing I want to do is dress up my fat body. Did I mention all the comfort eating I'm doing? I've put on about half a stone since we said goodbye to Gerri. Not good... Just my little thought for the night. I'm going to go watch a little more tellie now. It distracts me from my thoughts. xox

 

[Suze]

Hi love,

It's funny but it is a consideration what to wear. For Joe's I decided I'd wear the clothes that I likes best, that best said 'me' if you know what I mean....so I wore smartish (I also don't massively do smart) jeans, a top and a bright red coat!! The other option is, if you don't think it will be counter productive is to go and treat yourself? I also found I was looking carefully at what I would wear when I went in to deliver Joe....sounds really silly but I had this pair of pearl stud earrings in when I delivered Ava (by accident, she came quicly btw!) and I felt I had to have the same earrings in when I went in to have Joe. And then this time I did the same thing too, even though I knew I'd have to take them out as I was having a GA.
Don't worry too much about the eating, you just need to do whatever makes you feel okish at the moment.

Thanks for the message on my journal too, it's a really tough time I'm in a bit of a haze if I'm honest!

 

[allmuddledup]

Thank you Suze. Hearing that you wore jeans and a bright colour makes me feel less uptight about figuring it out for myself. Unfortunately, I don't have any smart jeans, but I have some comfy but nice looking black trousers that might be good. I like that you wore a bright red coat. I might look at getting something new actually. Nothing I have seems good enough to wear to my baby's funeral. I think that's more of a mental thing than reality but I still can't help feeling that way. My wardrobe is tatty and well worn (or no longer fits). The only newish clothes I have that appear nice are maternity clothes, which just seems like a cruel joke right now. I know in many ways it's not that important, but I just want to be able to convey my love and respect for Gerri in what I wear to her funeral. I am feeling sad, but not as sad as I have been. I think it's starting to get easier now. Let's see if I can say that again after Tuesday.

I think it's lovely about the earrings Suze. That is so special. Also, I was very touched by your story about the snowdrops in your journal. I think it is a gift to find symbolism in things and to celebrate it. Thank you for sharing your story. xoxox

 

[allmuddledup]

Urgh. I am feeling some serious ovulation pain today. I thought the last two days were it but my body is reaching new heights in ov pain it would seem. I was suspicious yesterday that my body was holding back as my CP was medium high and cervix was soft but not at it's softest. Today, I could barely reach my cervix it was so high and it is very soft and open this morning. The clencher for me is that it hurts upon sitting down (always a sign of ovulation for me since the miscarriage last March). Any theories as to why ovulation is getting more painful for me?

 

[Suze]

Oh I don't know about the ov pain, it's something I've never actually had.

I'm not sure how much I'll be on later but I just wanted to send you mega mega and floaty for Gerri for tomorrw, you really really will be in my thoughts

 

[poppy666]

Suze massive hugs sweetie hope your ok

Ellen thinking of you too my lovely

 

[allmuddledup]

Hello my friends. I hope you are both having a better time of things. I am doing alright though have had a rather unusual last 24 hours...

My son came home from a weekend at his dad's house with a cough and a sniff that rapidly turned into a very wheezy acute respiratory infection overnight. The school called me yesterday morning to say he was really unwell (he'd been a bit coughy and wheezy in the morning but he normally perks right up when he gets to school) and to come collect him. He promptly fell asleep on the sofa when I got him home (something he rarely ever does) and had developed a fever while struggling to breathe properly. Luckily the doctor was willing to see him quite soon and by 3 o'clock we had him some antibiotics and an inhaler to help ease his breathing. We discovered at 1am that he was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic (he's never needed an oral antibiotic before so we had not discovered that he is apparently allergic to penicillin) so after a worried call to the out-of-hours doctor we were advised to go straight to A&E. Well,n3.5 hours later we were back home. The nurses gave him Periton nearly straight away to calm down the allergic reaction (hives and increased wheezing) and then we waited nearly 2 hours for a doctor to come see him and say, "yes, it appears to be a reaction to the antibiotic. Let's give him a different one." Finally, we were home again at 5 am. Fortunately, X is asleep again and hopefully I will be soon.

I told Xander about Gerri while we were doing colouring together in the children's A&E. He was sad at first but took it in his stride (as he does most things). He asked if Gerri is a ghost now (I said she is either an angel or a very very good ghost) and he was very curious about the cemetery. He wanted to know what would happen to her and I explained a very simplified version of cremation and that her ashes would turn into flowers in the cemetery so that she could help cheer people up when they go their to visit their loved ones who have died. I think he liked that idea. I thought of Joe's snowdrops when I said it.

I will be at the crematorium chapel in about 4 hours if all goes well and there are no more medical emergencies. I really wasn't expecting the last day to play out as it has but at least looking after my poorly Xander has helped me focus on the living wonder I have in my life. I told Xander that sometimes he will see me sad when I think of Gerri but that seeing him cheers me right up.

I'm falling asleep now. Thank you for your thoughts my dear ladies. I'll update you soon. Xoxoxox

 

[poppy666]

 

[Suze]

Oh my goodness what an awful time you've had, I'm so pleased x is better now but what a frightening way to find out he's allergic to penicillin. It actually made me think I suppose that is the only way to find out

I love the way you spoke to x about gerri and about her ashes and the flowers there.

I think you will have said goodbye to the little one by now, I hope you found it peaceful and comforting even. You just take care of yourself and you know we are all here for you. I hope the rest of the day can also bring you some comfort and that your memories of gerri keep you warm.

Fly high little one

 

[Suze]

Just thought you might need some more