Worried about infection after loss and ERPC at 14 weeks PG

[pip7890]

What a beautiful way to explain about Gerri to X.

Sending you even more

Pip x

 

[allmuddledup]

Thank you ladies. Today wasn't as difficult as I feared it might be, and yes, I found peace and comfort. My mind is still in a sleep deprived haze but I think I can say I am okay in the end.

Gerri's funeral was beautiful and peaceful and comforting. We both cried like our floodgates had broken. I feel quite at peace at the moment though I've barely had a moment alone with my thoughts since yesterday morning, what with poor Xander's sudden illness. I'm not sure if my mental state will shift once I have some time alone for it to finish sinking in, but for now I am okay.

In the end I found something to wear that was both respectful and me (my wardrobe doesn't boast of much that intersects the two). We dropped X off with a close friend so we didn't need to worry about what was happening with him for a couple of hours. I picked up the flowers first though so that Xander could see the flowers ready that he chose for Gerri. They were so beautifully arranged. The lady in the flower shop prepared each individual flower with a matching bow and greenery so that it was like we had 8 tiny individual bouquets to lay around Gerri's coffin, 1 for each person / group of people (our parents and siblings families) that love her and will miss her. When she had asked how we wanted them arranged, I had just told her that we would be laying them down individually so just to make them easy to untie. She went to great lengths to make them very special and individual. I was so touched I nearly cried when I saw them. She only charged for the 8 basic flowers as well (£11.50!). I was amazed as her kindness.

We got to the cemetery a bit stressed as we thought we were running late but we made it with time to spare in the end. The chaplain was really lovely and kind (as a chaplain should be I suppose - he's the first I've met). He brought Gerri's coffin to us when it was time to proceed into the chapel and I carried her in as my partner felt it might be more than he could bare (I was just glad to have one last little thing I could do for her tbh). When we got to the chapel I set her coffin on the bier and we sat just in front of it (they had brought 2 chairs up for us so we could be near her) while the chaplain said his bit. Neither myself nor my partner are religious in any way so some of the more bibley things just sort of went over our heads but I found comfort in many things he said. More than anything, the kindness and compassion with which Gerri and ourselves were treated touched us.

After Father Grant finished his little talk and prayers, he started the music we had planned (Blackbird by the Beatles, Fljotavik by Sigur Ros (a hauntingly beautiful song, sung in Icelandic, about finding one's way through a stormy sea and finding rest at the end. We had played the album in hospital when I gave birth to Gerri), and Sail Across the Water by Jane Siberry). We laid the little bunches of flowers for Gerri around her coffin while the music played, pausing frequently to hold each other and cry. When the last song ended, Father Grant lowed the bier into the ground (for symbolism of the end, which I think we needed). It was heartbreaking in a way to be saying goodbye to my baby again, but I do feel it gave us both a sense of closure that we needed.

After the service, we walked around the cemetery together for a little while, collecting ourselves and thinking of Gerri and talking about what we'd like to do to remember her in future. It was a beautiful time and befitted our little angel (or very very good little ghost, as Xander would say). I miss her like crazy but I also have peace now about the fact that she is gone.

I hope today has been kind to you ladies. Thank you for the mega hugs Poppy and for your kind thoughts and words Suze. All is greatly appreciated. I'm glad I could share the experience with you here, my sweet BnB friends.

I think I am going to go be alone with my thoughts now...

 

[poppy666]

Beautiful!! Gerri will be at peace now with all the other little angels, your daughter will have been very proud of her mummy and daddy today

 

[allmuddledup]

Thank you Poppy, Suze and Pip for all the hugs. I am definitely feeling the love. xoxoxox

 

[Suze]

Oh what a beautiful and fitting day for your little girl, it sounds truly special and you seem at peace too which is good
I'm not a hugely religious person but Gerri is with all these angels who are certainly in good company

 

[allmuddledup]

Hey there. I don't have much to add tonight, just that I am not doing so well. I feel like I have hit a state of emotional exhaustion so great that I can hardly think or feel anything at all. I've not managed to get out of bed until I absolutely had to (namely when it was time for my son to come home from school) for the last 2 days. My counselor has given me the simple goal of just getting out of bed, having a shower, and then not getting back into bed again, even if I do nothing more than lay on the sofa all day. Truthfully, I haven't even managed that much since Gerri's funeral. I need to pull myself together, I just can't seem to find anything inside myself to give me the energy or motivation to do so, aside from my son's needs, which thankfully are minimal and generally don't require any effort from me until mid-afternoon. I think I am coming down with whatever Xander had as well. He is almost better now, thankfully, but I am crumpling. Also, I can't seem to get these anxious TWW feelings out of my head since I ovulated. Me and OH made love the two consecutive nights before Ovulation (or my body's best effort at it) which means it's possible I could have conceived, which I can't seem to stop thinking about now. I just want to get the thought out of my head! Of course I would welcome any baby that wants to bestow itself upon us but I don't want to wish or hope for it right now, not so soon after losing Gerri and saying our final goodbyes. I just want peace in my head and I can't seem to find it. Aside from the TWW anxieties (for lack of better way to describe it, even though we aren't purposely TTC) I am mostly just numb. Still waiting for things to get easier, when they seem to just be getting harder. 1 step forwards, 2 steps back. That's my dance these days. Sorry to be so depressing. I truly hope things are looking up for the rest of you. THB, I haven't been keeping up with BnB posts the last couple of days since I wrote about Gerri's funeral. Maybe I should try that, might help me engage with the world, even in just a fly on the wall kind of way... Hugs to you all. xox

 

[poppy666]

Hey sweetie you've been through soooooooooooo much this last few months its understandable you was going to hit the wall sort of speak... I think we all need to hit that wall to drag ourself back up. I know i hit it other week and if it wasnt for Korben and his needs i think id be still in that dark hole now.

Plus if your coming down with what Xander had that wont help either, bless!! Just take each day as it comes and IF you concieved that night deal with that when you need to, just rest and get yourself well again sweetie

 

[pip7890]

Pip x

 

[allmuddledup]

Hey ladies. I'm sorry about going so quiet. I've not been in a good place but think I am starting to come through it now. I see my GP tomorrow about being signed off from work. I know I am not ready to go back yet. Don't know how much time to ask for though. Seems like this could go on forever. I hope things are looking up for you Poppy. I was nosing through your soy posts. Am seriously thinking about giving it a try when I am ready to "try". Been keeping up with your saga Suze. My heart goes out to you.

 

[poppy666]

Hey sweetie nice to see you back, missed you Can the doctor just not sign you off for another 4wks or so? no need to rush back you need time xx

Yes im going to try soy again once af shows her face but im going on 7wks now

 

[allmuddledup]

Hey again! I'm trying to get back to normal life but it's a slow process, particularly when I've gotten as low as I have lately. You may be right Poppy. Maybe I did have to hit bottom before I am able to climb back up. Either way, it seems that is what has happened!

I saw the doctor and she signed me off for another 2 weeks and is going to talk to my psych consultant about possibly using medication to help me at this stage. I am wary of doing so but also accept that if I can't pull myself up on my own then I need to take the help that is there. I have an appointment with my psych consultant Monday, unless they call me in the meantime and make it sooner.

I am pleased to announce that last night I slept almost soundly through the night and this morning got up at a very reasonable hour, without climbing back into bed to go back to sleep. Admittedly, I have just spent most of the day watching DVDs but at least I am in a better mood than I've been in weeks and don't feel afraid to face the world (still 'reluctant', but not afraid). May this progress continue!

Now I have the afternoon/evening to look forward to with my son. We're on our own this evening as my partner picked up an extra shift at work today. I think we may do laundry... First time in over a week. Needs doing.

I have my follow-up appointment with the Gyne consultant tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect but am hoping he will continue the PCOS investigations he started before I fell pregnant with Gerri. I hope tomorrow doesn't bring it all back and take me down to the ground again. I'm trying to stay optimistic and hope for a non-heartwrenching time.

How's life for my BnB buddies? Any sign of AF yet Poppy? Fingers crossed it is soon if not already here. Xoxox

 

[pip7890]

Sending you lots of

Pip x

 

[poppy666]

Hey again! I'm trying to get back to normal life but it's a slow process, particularly when I've gotten as low as I have lately. You may be right Poppy. Maybe I did have to hit bottom before I am able to climb back up. Either way, it seems that is what has happened!

I saw the doctor and she signed me off for another 2 weeks and is going to talk to my psych consultant about possibly using medication to help me at this stage. I am wary of doing so but also accept that if I can't pull myself up on my own then I need to take the help that is there. I have an appointment with my psych consultant Monday, unless they call me in the meantime and make it sooner.

I am pleased to announce that last night I slept almost soundly through the night and this morning got up at a very reasonable hour, without climbing back into bed to go back to sleep. Admittedly, I have just spent most of the day watching DVDs but at least I am in a better mood than I've been in weeks and don't feel afraid to face the world (still 'reluctant', but not afraid). May this progress continue!

Now I have the afternoon/evening to look forward to with my son. We're on our own this evening as my partner picked up an extra shift at work today. I think we may do laundry... First time in over a week. Needs doing.

I have my follow-up appointment with the Gyne consultant tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect but am hoping he will continue the PCOS investigations he started before I fell pregnant with Gerri. I hope tomorrow doesn't bring it all back and take me down to the ground again. I'm trying to stay optimistic and hope for a non-heartwrenching time.

How's life for my BnB buddies? Any sign of AF yet Poppy? Fingers crossed it is soon if not already here. Xoxox

Hey sweetie how you feeling and how did your follow up Gyne appointment go?

Waiting af still fx be Sunday... actually better be cos my temps were looking great up until today now they dropped a bit today so no bfp but af very very much welcome ' as long as not painful'

 

[allmuddledup]

I realised yesterday how long it's been since I last posted. I have had some ups and downs lately but am doing better overall than I was a week ago. My OH took me away for Valentines weekend which was really good for us and I am taking my son to Germany to see an old friend over half-term break for 5 days starting this Saturday. I am really looking forward to it and hoping to forget some of the heartache I've experienced these last couple of months.

The Gyne appointment went as well as could be expected I suppose. I spent about half an hour in the waiting room crying and trying to pull myself together and not succeeding. When it was my turn to see the consultant I mostly just sat and listened while he told me things I already knew about Gerri and said he wanted to see me again in 3 months to look at my hormone levels and the next steps in reviewing my reproductive health if me & OH haven't conceived again by then. I was glad he didn't send me away without any hope of future assistance altogether. I told him I am still very concerned about PCOS but he said they can't get an accurate picture of what my hormones are doing until at least 3 months has passed since last pregnancy... So my next appointment is 11 May, one week after I turn 35. Eek!

Finally, AF arrived on Sunday 13 February, just in time for Valentine's Day and exactly 7 weeks after saying goodbye to Gerri. It's been much heavier than usual which I think is a good sign as my periods were incredibly light for the 6 months before I conceived Gerri. I'm hoping it is a sign my body is working right.

I'm off to get my son from school now. I hope things are looking up for all my BnB buddies.

 

[poppy666]

Everything the same here sweetie, but nice to see you back online

 

[pip7890]

Pip x

 

[Suze]

Hi there I'm soooooo sorry I have been MIA lately

Sounds like you had a lovely Valentines weekend and you will be in Germany now so I'm hoping you are having fun, where in Germany? My mum moved back from Duesselldorf 6 months ago.
You appointmet sounded good too, good in the sense that you have the option of support in the future.
How did the return of the af feel? I know I've often dreaded it as it's a very definite end but also have welcomed it knowing that my body has/is returning to normal. I thought I hadn't had an af but I now believe that a light bleed I had 4 weeks to the day of my erpc was the af as I then ov'd 2 weeks after that

So how do you feel about ttc? Is it going to be a relaxed approach or are you going to go for it?

How are you too Poppy? Has the witch returned for you yet and do you have some cycle clarity back yet?!

to you both

 

[allmuddledup]

I'm back now from holiday, which was perfect & lovely & just what I needed. I'm just seriously bummed out to be back now. My home is still the same mess it was when I left (serious crazy-person-who-can't-throw-anything-out kind of mess) which was a shock to my system after having such a lovely time in my dear friend's large airy (clean) flat. I know it would help my mental state immensey if I could some how manage to declutter my home and make it a nice place to be (which it is about as far away from as it can be right now). My dear OH did do some tidying and clearing up while I was away but he was working most of the time we were away and most of the crap that causes me such despair is my stuff anyway so it's not really possible for anyone else to make the decisions of what needs to go and what can stay except for me. Even if I could just turn my back on all my stuff (both the things I want and the things I should let go of) there isn't even anyone I could PAY who would come along and clear it all away. I wish I could find someone who would work through it all with me until it's done. I don't have a lot of money (far from it) but I would spend every spare penny I have for someone to sort my house out with me. My OH is willing, but we are both so busy we have a very hard time finding time to work on it together and I can't seem to bring myself to do it on my own. I don't know what's wrong with me but whatever is holding me back just seems to be getting worse. I need help and I don't know where to turn.

 

[poppy666]

If i lived closer id come and help you im terrible myself of keeping stuff i dont need, ive got boxes of stuff which OH keeps telling me i dont need, but they're my stuff... even when i try to i keep saying ' hmmm i may need that one day' so it goes back in the box

OH Just gives up and says im a hoarder

 

[allmuddledup]

Thanks Poppy. It helps to know I'm not the only one and that you can understand how it is. It's just gotten on top of me this last year and has gotten so bad I don't even know where to start now. My house is seriously starting to look like one of those ones you see on tellie documentaries where people have hoarded so much stuff they have to make tunnels to get from room to room. My friend that I just went to stay with in Germany actually came to see me just after the ectopic pregnancy and helped me sort a lot of stuff out but since the miscarriage nearly a year ago I started losing the plot and things have gotten worse than they've ever been (I've never found it easy organising my things tbh but I always managed to maintain some sense if order until now). I took one little step in the right direction today... I took my car to the hand-car-wash and got it cleaned inside out. It was only a little thing but a step in the right direction none-the-less. It made me feel better and less ashamed of myself for the state I've let things get in. Just gotta try to find the next thing I can tackle. Oh where to begin... The entire house, inside out, is in a desperate state.