worried about "the talk"

[FionaJean]

so just a brief recap of my situation for those that don't know, so you can skip this first paragraph if you already know... been married 8 years, husband is 30 and I will be soon as well. A few years ago my husband actually brought up the topic of having a baby and I didn't feel super rushed to have one then and neither did he, so we settled on "a year from now." And then in that year we ended up moving across the country unexpectedly due to husband's job and suddenly his desire for a baby went away while mine grew. His reason was settling in, and spending more time together after a stressful transition for him in his job. Being suddenly 100% ready at the same time he suddenly wasn't was devastating. He has still continued to feel that way and say vague things like "theres no rush" and "it'll all work out" and the like.

So I've spent the last 2 years pining for a baby I also made sure we spent lots of quality time together and plan fun dates for us all the time, trying to fulfill his need of thinking we need to "spend more time together." Just really growing together as a couple. I do not bring up TTC very often at all.

Anyways, we have a small trip I planned for us next week over new years. I want to bring up the topic of having a baby during this trip, since it will be right in the midst of "spending time together!" We haven't discussed a baby in several months, nearly a year actually, and I think it's time we revisit it. I'm not worried about anger or anything like that, in fact I think he will be open to talking about it. I'm just worried he will say something like "yeah, how about a year from now?" In fact I STRONGLY feel that he will. Since we are already 2 years past our original "a year from now" goal date (so 3 years from the original talk), I just do not want to wait that long. I don't need to RIGHT now (well, I do want to... but I can compromise for him) so I was thinking about suggesting TTC at the beginning of the summer. Like May or June. PLus "a year from now" seems so non-definitive and non-committal.

My question is, what if he is firmly set on "a year from now"? I mean, we both have to be ready, I can't force him. But I would like to be pregnant at 30. Just sucks that he was ready at one point, and now isn't. I've already thought of some things in my arsenal, like bringing up our age, the maths of wanting multiple kids and spacing between siblings and 9 months pregnancy and the possibility of a fertility problem. I am just sooo nervous about this talk next week.

 

[MummyKP]

I remember being nervous too because I wasn't sure how he'd respond and what he would say about setting a date. DH spoke about it better than I expected although we still don't have a definite date - although I'm sure he'd like to ttc within the next 3-4 months at least.

As you say, you've got good reasons to try sooner rather than later so I wyld explain all those things to him if I were you, and tell him you don't expect him to just try now but you'd like to compromise with each other and set a date. Or do what we did and I mentioned it to him and he said not yet so I said we'd talk about it in more detail in December to set a date, so that's what we did. So maybe bring it up next week whilst your away and if he doesn't respond how you want him to you could say how about we have another chat about it at Easter time?

 

[Lozzielaula]

Hello! I read through your backstory, gotta say that I am so sorry that you and your husbands timelines dont match, that must be so frustrating

I just wanted to write from 'the other side' so to speak. Although I never originally agreed with OH then changed my mind, I still took a lot of convincing and my OH had 'the talk' with me My OH and I have been friends for a long time, together for almost a year. He's 33, i'm 24, and to begin with we were at very different stages. I didn't think I ever wanted to have children, he was ready for them 100% right that second more than anything in the world. When he approached me about setting a definitive TTC date, he did what you are planning to do. Thought out all his reasons and his 'answers' to my counterarguments.

We were actually out on a walk when we had 'the talk'. He took me to my favourite beach and being in that relaxed frame of mind in a space where we both felt at peace allowed us both to discuss our wants and my fears in a way that I didn't feel pressured in any way. He told me what he hoped to have in our future together, and said that he was worried about his age, he doesn't want to be an 'old dad'. He said that he knows I was worried about X, Y and Z and gave me quite a few potential ways we could move past and deal with those things. My biggest thing was that I had just graduated from University and was in a job I hated. I wanted a career and kids would get in the way of that. We agreed that I would wait till I was in a better job, and then once we chatted it out we both thought that it would be better for me to have the children at a younger age, so that when I go to progress up my chosen career path the children will be older and thus there would be less pressure on me. We set our first set of 'goals for TTC' then, and agreed we would revisit them once a month to see if we can set a date.

We have now moved past almost all of my concerns and are very excited to be TTC in Feb 2015

My advice to you is to try to not get emotional even if your husband is still not quite there yet. Tell him you know he is worried about X, and you think you can both do Y to help with that. Ask him what it is that he is worried about, and suggest that he doesnt need to answer you there and then, he can take the time and come back to you if he needs it. Ask him if you can set goals towards setting the date, it may be that setting an actual date will just put more pressure and stress on you both because as it approaches he may not feel ready by that date and you might focus too much on it, thus leaving you even more devastated if he changes his mind.

'A year from now' is very non-commital, which is probably why he has said it. I would often say 'maybe some day' or 'before I'm 35', which did leave my OH hanging. By putting across your reasons why you are ready now, and asking him to come up with his reasons why not, then setting a plan in motion to move past his reasons why not will give you something concrete to work towards without the pressure of a specific date. I would say that you should say 'we'll deal with that over the next month, then we'll have another talk' so that you still have a timeline to work with rather than a vague 'year or so'.


Like MummyKP said, if he shuts down the conversation completely, ask him to consider what you've said and ask if you can have another conversation in a months time. He may feel that the breathing space as well as knowing you'll talk again will lower the pressure on him and also give him time to have a good think about it.

Sorry I rambled on a bit, I hope your talk goes well, best of luck to you

 

[FionaJean]

thank you both for your suggestions
that's interesting because I always for some reason think that a date or month to TTC needs to be thought of in advance... like, we have to decide at least a few months before or it won't happen. I don't know why, because you are right... we could just revisit it in a few months and still decide to TTC right there and then! It doesn't necessarily need to be planned in advance... that is a very hopeful and optimistic way of thinking of it Just because he isn't ready to commit to that right now, doesn't mean that at the actual goal date that I have in mind won't be at or near when he will feel ready then. haha sounds confusing, but you definitely made me look at it a different way Lozzie, thanks!

 

[FionaJean]

buuuuuuuuut... just to add, lol, I really would like to be able to countdown and think to myself "ok, 4 more months... " etc. blah!

 

[Left wonderin]

S how did the talk go !

 

[FionaJean]

S how did the talk go !

it's a new years trip, we leave today Super excited and nervous! Any last pointers?!

 

[meg_bellamy]

Good luck! When I had "the talk" with DH I was surprised that he had thought about it a lot too and we had a long conversation about it (I thought it was something he didn't really think about). I really hope he agrees to TTC in a few months I think he will after you have explained everything you outlined in your OP x

 

[Afairchild5]

So I'm dying to know! How did it go?!?!? Sending very good thoughts your way!!

 

[Flip flop]

I'm following too

 

[Beautiful11]

Me three!

 

[FionaJean]

hey everyone! Sorry to keep y'all waiting, I just got back a couple days ago So... I'd almost say it went both good AND bad, except for it wasn't really "bad"... just different than expected. Basically, I didn't get the definitive answer that I wanted, but at the same time it went great and leaves me feeling more hopeful.

To start out, before we even left on the trip, so like a good week before we left, around Christmas he had shown me something one of his friend's did for their young son for a Christmas present that involved redecorating the child's room. My husband showed me a pic because he thought it was cool as did I, and he said "when we have a son we should totally do this." (I love how it was WHEN and not IF haha). So of course my heart jumped a bit, but I didn't want to turn something so light into a full on discussion. I wanted to keep with waiting until the trip. It's not like we've never said such things, but it had actually been a while since we've used language like that. We actually used to say "when we have kids we'll do ____" a lot more when we were younger and newly married and not even thinking about kids! So I looooved that comment coming from him.

We left for the trip and I knew I didn't want to talk about it the first day or anything so I was waiting for the perfect time, and then on the 3rd day of the trip we were out and about in the little touristy shops and there was a onesie with a saying on it that we just thought was hilarious, and my husband said "our baby would totally wear that!" So... against my better judgment, I decided to lead into "the talk" when we were out in public! I must be brave haha I responded to my husband very light heartedly "oh yeah, and when exactly will that baby be coming around?!" He said, and I quote "well I hope sooner rather than later." I continued on, still keeping in tone with the sort of flirty way we were interacting and said "we're getting kinda old ya know. Might wanna get on that." And basically it wrapped up with me saying what about this summer? And emphasizing that that would mean a baby would be born around this time NEXT year at the EARLIEST, and maybe much later. Just reiterating that a baby would not be coming instantaneously, and just still saying this all very light heartedly... it was just a really no-pressure talk as we strolled along the shops. Not a big deal at all. And he said "yeah, we'll have to talk when it gets closer to that." Meaning my suggestion for the beginning of the summer. And I left it at that.

I didn't want to push it any further as it went just so wonderfully well and the fact that HE was the one who brought up babies first, even if it was just a small comment. I didn't want to be crazy and be like COMMIT TO A DATE NOW haha as we were having a lovely time. He didn't say "maybe in a year" and he didn't freak out to me saying this summer. But... I did not get a clear yes. And yet at the same time, I'm over the moon happy about it. I feel there is a good chance this will work out the way I hope. And yesterday when we were watching tv there was that commercial that is for I think luvs diapers? Where it shows what first time moms do vs second time moms and he joked saying "you're soooo going to be the first time mom about things" Eeeeek. So many baby comments coming from him the last couple weeks. Just seems to be his mind is much more focused on it suddenly.

What do you all think? Sorry for the long recap of it haha, I'm just so excited and don't really have anyone to analyze this with... I wanted to give a lot of details so you guys could tell me what you think. Shuold I have pushed for more of a commitment? Do you think given the conversation and his comments that he will be ready in a few months? AND when should I bring this up again? I definitely don't want to wait all the way until the summer starts to bring it up again... I want it to be a few months in advance. Maybe in March, or the end of FEb? I think I should let this marinate in his mind for a bit and maybe push for more of a solid commitment next talk.

 

[MummyKP]

Yaaaay great news sounds like it went fab so pleased for you! It definitely sounds like he has come round to it and that he's bringing up baby things it's a great sign to me it sounds like summer is looking positive for you! I think I'd approach him April/may. Feb seems so soon if you originally mentioned discussing it closer to summer....so maybe wait until April and mention whether he feels ready to set a date then or needs a little longer

 

[Afairchild5]

I DEFINITELY think that he is thinking about this and I think you have a really good chance this summer. I would keep on playing coy and probably not bring it up again until end of Feb. and it will actually probably drive him nuts lol it sounds like he wants it. How exciting! I think you did perfectly good on the trip & it sounds like the talk went really smoothly! I think if he didn't want it for this summer he would have put his foot down...guys don't just play along at all.

So happy for you! I think that this is really awesome and going to happen for you! keep us updated!

 

[Angel_blues]

I agree with bringing it up in April. If you are on the pill, just do what I did! Mention you'd like to come off the pill a few months in advance but still preventing a baby for now so your cycles can regulate. then ask when he would want to start trying

 

[Flip flop]

You know me and u are in very similar situation now. Both oh's are agreeing potentially in a few months ish with no definitive date.

I'm not sure when to bring it up again, I so desperately want to keep asking all the time but I know that's wrong and unfair. I think I'll just play it by ear.

 

[FionaJean]

thank you all for taking the time to read all of that! I feel like such a nut writing so much about one tiny conversation haha.

As for the Feb/march thing, it's because like I said in the OP, I think of May/June as the beginning of summer so I'd ideally like to start TTC then, which is why I didn't want to wait too much longer. April might be cutting it too close if I want to start then. Of course I may need to compromise more with my husband and wait longer into the summer, but for now I still want to aim for May/June. I definitely wanted to wait at least 2 months after this conversation though. I think I will wait until the beginning of March to bring it up again and have a more in depth discussion. I soooo hope this is a breakthrough that will stick around. I've already started unofficially counting down in my head like a crazy person

 

[Flip flop]

You aren't alone in your craziness

 

[meg_bellamy]

Any updates FionaJean?

 

[FionaJean]

Any updates FionaJean?

did you see the update a few posts up? Things might be looking good for TTC this summer!!