Would you ever use an egg donor?

[genkigemini]

Hi ladies,

This is something that has been plaguing me for a while. In my whole entire 9+ year TTC journey, I apparently have not ovulated once per my doctors.

This is my last try on Clomid as you all know and if this does not work, I am off to an RE to see what they can do. However, if I can not produce mature eggs, I can not do IUI or IVF, right?

If I never O, then nothing more can be done right?

I had a whole conversation with my Mom on Sunday night about egg donation and for me it is just not an option. I think it is a great service for people but even if I carried the baby 9 months, I would not feel like it was mine. I would feel like a 3rd party.

Is this weird? I feel like it makes me a bad person to feel this way but the more I think about it, the stronger my conviction in that direction becomes.

Does anyone else feel this way or have an opinion? I am really really curious.

Thanks for any and all input.

(PS - this is a topic that I would so love to post in a locked section of the forum for LTTTCers since I am sure it can be a sensitive subject. Please no one be offended. )

 

[maz]

Hi hun

My DH and I have discussed what we would do if either I produced no eggs or he had such poor sperm quality that he couldn't father his own child - and we both decided that if we couldn't have a child that is 50% him and 50% me, then we would adopt instead. There are plenty of young children in the world that are in desperate need of a loving family, and if we can't have our own biological children then we will adopt. Who knows? Even if we do have our own biological children we may well adopt as well.

It is a very sensitive topic, and I know that for some people egg donation is not a problem, and I also know that for some people sperm donation is not a problem - however for me, my desire to be pregnant is not as great as my desire to be a mum. As there are plenty of couples that would be grateful for embryo donation, should I have any surplus embryos after, hopefully, successful IVF, then I would donate them, as I appreciate that some couples would not have the same feelings towards donation as we do.

I know how you feel about wanting this topic in a private forum too, as I wouldn't want my opinions and feelings to offend anyone else either.

 

[FJL]

You do need mature eggs for IVF, but IVM (In vitro egg maturation) will hopefully combat that. I don't know much about it, if and where it is available or anything like that though.

DH and I have too discussed (as we were faced with the very real prospect that DH's sperm may not be viable for IVF/ICSI about 3 months ago) whether or not we would use donor sperm or donor eggs should there be a problem with my eggs. We both decided that no, we wouldn't. Its hard because if we were faced with that only option, who knows, we could change our minds, but for now, its not even a possiblity that we would.

I completely respect people who donate and use donor eggs sperm, I don't see anything wrong with it, but for me and DH, its not something we want to do because we want OUR child. Because of this, should we not be successful with IVF, I don't think we would adopt.

For a few reasons, 1 is that again, it wouldn't biologically be our child and thats what we want. Once again, I completely respect and admire adoption for couples who want to do that, but its just not for us. 2nd reason is because to get to that stage where adoption is the only realistic option, would mean that the journey to get to that point would be so incredibly hard and I couldn't imagine started a new journey that takes 5-7 years, thousands more $$$ (that we would've already exhausted through IVF) and no guarantees.

I don't think I would personally donate eggs and we definitely wouldn't donate embryos. I think mainly it is because we wouldn't do it. If for eg we were going to use donor sperm and were happy with that decision, perhaps I would change my mind and donate eggs. It just doesn't sit with me *personally* but I think its wonderful that so many people do donate.

 

[FJL]

I just wanted to add on the topic of myself donating, I think I would maybe do it for someone extremely close to me such as my sister or one of my best friends, but that would be it.

I just want to say again that my personal thoughts and limitations on this subject are how I currently feel. You just never know what you would do when faced in a certain situation.

I think it is wonderful to have to option of donors and adoption, whether it is for you or not.

I also think the process of adoption would be much more attractive if it was an easier, shorter, financially viable process.

 

[genkigemini]

Thank you, Ladies. I feel a lot better about myself and our decision just knowing that I am not the only one who feels this way.

(Wow... how elementary school is that?! I need acceptance on something as personal as this. )

As far as adoption goes, I don't think we'd really go that route either unless I met some Juno kid that wanted to hand their kid over without all the red tape bullshit. It is a shame how long and expensive the adoption process is when there are so many children out there that need families...

 

[FJL]

I get where you're coming from hun, because with all that we're going through I felt selfish not wanting to donate eggs or not wanting to accept donor sperm if we needed it...kind of like chucking a hissy fit that if I can't have MY baby then I don't want any baby, but it is so not like that (as you would know!).

And yes, it is SO frustrating to think of how many unwanted children there are out there, yet so how it is so very hard to adopt.

We have very good family friends (both in their 50's) who had one son naturally then had 2nd IF. They chose not to do IVF (which I imagine was much harder to access back then anyway) but wanted to adopt. After a very painful and life intrusive process and a good 3 years of the whole adoption process, they were finally accepted.

They received photos of their little girl, they had the nursery all done etc. Her husband after all of this had a mild heart attack but recovered just fine. When this was discovered by the adoption authorities, they terminated the adoption because they thought that the husband wouldn't live till the child was 18.

Well, 20years later he is still here. She described it to me as a lady giving birth in hosptial, authorities come in, ask her questions, then tell her "sorry, you can't have this baby, we're taking it away". Truly, truly heartbreaking stuff.

 

[genkigemini]

And THAT is why I do not think I could emotionally handle the adoption process.

Well, best of luck to us both! We will get our without the donor or adoption stuff!

 

[FJL]

Yes we will!!!

 

[maz]

I am so excited to see s for you two lovely ladies - it has been a long and emotionally draining journey and you both really deserve your own little bundles of joy.

 

[polo_princess]

I'll add my 2 cents on this one for what its worth as this was an area id started to look into.

Me and OH had come to pretty much the same decision as you girls, neither of us were happy to recieve donor eggs or sperm BUT .... i was considering and still am donating some of my eggs. I know its not for everyone but knowing the hardship of LTTTC and sharing the journies of others, i would love to help someone who was in the same kind of situation as me a little while ago.

If any of that makes sense? Basically i could donate myself but i dont think i could recieve.

 

[Mendy]

Hello ladies,
Me and DH also had a conversation about this subject, and like FJL, we came to the conclusion that we want to have OUR baby. We don't know what our decision would be if we were told we absolutely couldn't have a baby on our own, with his sperm and my eggs, but that is how we feel right now.

Our RE actually posed donor sperm as an option because DH's sperm is very low, but we have decided we will try whatever we can before we even CONSIDER that. And our next step looks like in vitro.

If that doesn't work, then we may have to sit down again and have a talk, but we just want our OWN baby, like so many people would.

Genkigemini...in NO WAY are you a bad person for wanting a baby YOU and you DH created. It's a natural thing.

Good luck to you and good luck to us all ladies!

 

[sasha2113]

I'll add my 2 cents on this one for what its worth as this was an area id started to look into.

Me and OH had come to pretty much the same decision as you girls, neither of us were happy to recieve donor eggs or sperm BUT .... i was considering and still am donating some of my eggs. I know its not for everyone but knowing the hardship of LTTTC and sharing the journies of others, i would love to help someone who was in the same kind of situation as me a little while ago.

If any of that makes sense? Basically i could donate myself but i dont think i could recieve.

HI there very interested in egg donation and saw your blog, basically i need a egg donor. x Sasha.

 

[CanadianMaple]

We're facing this too, but with sperm. My husband was just told he has azoospermia, which means no sperm. We may be able to get some from his testicle, but we don't know yet.

We have been going back and forth. It would be nice to have a connection to myself and my son from a previous relationship. My husband is raising my son as his own and feels very close and connected to him.

We went from a big NO to maybe. If we can't get sperm from DH, we may just do it. I never thought I would consider it in a million years.

 

[BearsMummy]

OK, I may be going off subject slightly here, but how do people feel about surrogacy?

I am currently on Clomid and seem to be ovulating and oh seems to be fine, but we just are not catching the egg.
My friend suggested surrogacy the other day (my eggs oh sperm), and I tried to explain my feeling to her, but I don't think I am coming accross well.

I don't feel I could have someone carry MY baby, and look after it, grow it etc, I would feel like I had let it down already.
Also, I want to give oh the gift of a child, his child, our child. I want him to see me go through the hard work of pregancy, labour and birth to give him the gift of his child. I do not want someone else to give that to him, where would I fit in?

Maybe I am being slightly crazy about this??

 

[lovie]

I would consider donating eggs, but i wouldnt consider using donor eggs... i feel that there would be no point making a child that wasnt genetically linked to me when there are children allready out there needinghomes... i absolutly would adopt, i think it is beutifull and that the capacity to love a child isnt bassed on them having grandads nose or mums hayfever or uncle freds jawline. I have adopted siblings and i really dont beleive that genetics are what makes you close to people. The only reason why we are going down the ttc is that it is just so much cheaper than adopting... also my oh is in the "i only want a child thats gentically mine and yours" camp... we will need to have a long hard talk if the time comes where our ttc roads have all come to an end.

I would donate eggs as I dont think a child would be "mine" sure it might look like me... but the important things, their values and beleifs and personality would all be nurtured by someone else... if for someone else it is important to have a baby to grow then my eggs could help... i selfishly would only do it if it reduced my own ivf costs.

 

[Lawgirl]

I can understand people's feelings, but I'm at the stage where I don't care how I get a baby, as long as I get one. I don't care if it is not related to either myself or my hubby, or even whether I carry it. As long as it gets to be mine.