Would you let a newborn cry it out?

[mom2b2013]

I'm hoping someone here can give me advice on whether its ok to let a 1 month old cry without consoling them. When are they old enough to 'cry it out' on their own? It goes against everything I have heard or read but my husband & MIL say it is spoiling the baby and making the behavior worse. I always pick her up when she is crying and most of the time I can soothe her but she will start crying when I put her down. My husband wants me to stop doing this. Tonight we were having dinner with MIL and my little one was crying hysterically. After several minutes I was just about in tears so I got up and left to comfort her. Both husband & MIL were not happy.

I think part of my husband's opinion is based on the fact that I am up all night (literally every hour) with her because she cries as soon as she is put of the crib which is next to our bed. OH wants us to move her to her own room I'm exhausted beyond belief but I would rather sacrifice my sleep and sanity than cause any psychological damage to her. I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Thanks,
m2b

 

[detterose]

You cannot spoil a newborn! Babies under 6 months will not learn anything from crying it out. Unfortunately, it's just one of the hard things about having a little baby. I rocked my LO up until he was 5 months old because there was no way he would go to sleep without being rocked into a deep sleep first. Anytime I put him down, he screamed bloody murder. He's not 7.5 months old and self soothes. I put him in his Grobag, kiss him goodnight and walk out. Within 5-10 mins of talking to himself, crawling around his cot, he eventually rolls over and goes to sleep all on his own. But tiny babies need help, and I wouldn't expect a baby so small to always know how to self soothe. x

 

[Zephram]

No, I would not let a newborn cry it out. Your husband and MIL are wrong. You cannot spoil a newborn baby who has just entered the world - google 'fourth trimester'. Sleep training is not recommended before 6 months, at her age she will learn nothing from being left to cry. Continue to comfort your little girl and don't let anyone make you feel bad for it.

Also, it is normal newborn behaviour to want to be held all the time and cry when put down. They need to be close to their parents at that age, it's the way we are made.

 

[mac1979]

I agree, you cannot spoil a newborn with too much holding to too many cuddles. If a newborn is crying he/she needs something even if it is just to be held close. Don't listen to your husband or MIL, do what feels right to you as a mama. You know your child better than anybody else.

 

[mom2b2013]

Thank you all so much! That's just what I needed to hear and I will definitely check out that 4th trimester website so I can show it to them.

 

[kwills55]

Yep, I agree with the others... It's too young.

The health visitors told us that before 16 weeks they cannot be 'spoilt' as they don't have the mental capacity to learn to expect us to rock them to sleep/pick them up all the time. They have advised us at a first time mums group I went to that studies have been done to prove that 16 weeks is the magic number. At that age you need to be leaving them to learn to self soothe more (but still not necessary to make them cry it out all the time, just put them down awake for naps more often etc. they said that before this time cuddled your baby to sleep every day and night if you want to and it won't cause 'bad habits'.

Maybe if you told them that actually people have found out this from scientific studies and yes you agree you can't do it forever but it will make both you and your LO happier to do it for now at least? Hope you can get your point across some way. It must be heart breaking for you and not helpful to have people around you making you feel guilty for not leaving your baby to cry! Xxx

 

[ThinkPositiv]

No. They need you. They still think they are inside you at that age. Don't let anyone ever stop you from doing what you feel is best. Snuggle and cuddle that baby all day!

 

[MommyJogger]

I would personally never let any baby, at any age, cio. I think it's wrong and the only thing it "teaches" them is to not depend on their caregivers to help them when they ask for help or are upset. If you disagree with that, that's fine, and I'm not going to debate on your thread about it. But if cio never "feels" right to you, even as your baby gets older, I wanted you to know that it's okay to never cio and you're in good company among moms all over the world. So I wanted to share my opinion in case it resonates with your intuition, so you would know you're not alone. I nursed my son to sleep until he decided he didn't need it anymore and we still bedshare. It's not for everyone, but it's saved the sanity of a lot of women on here whose babies weren't ready to fall into a sleep pattern easy on their mothers. My son woke every 2 hours until he was almost a year. I have zero regrets about choosing not to cio.

 

[TeddyBearPug]

I agree with the others, a newborn is way to young to CIO and needs you. I'm not sure I agree with CIO for any age but i'm not there yet to experience it. Try not to let your family make you feel guilty for taking care of your LO. Like the others have said, they are in the 4th trimester and aren't aware they are out of the womb and need to be close to you.

 

[nevernormal]

I'm not against sleep training (which is the only situation in which I would really ever use CIO, though I would try gentler methods first!!!), or even letting a baby fuss a few minutes here and there (like if I'm getting out of the shower and he starts fussing, I might still get dressed or brush my hair before getting him -- who knows when I'd get the chance to next!), but that's definitely too young for CIO.

Remember that "mommy" and "cuddles" can be legitimate needs for a baby. As adults we enjoy companionship, we enjoy touch, etc. and often if we go long periods of time without them (and remember babies have no concept of time!) it affects us too! Babies change so quickly and before you know it she'll be shunning cuddles to go off and get into something else!

My son nursed so frequently in the early days. He NEEDED that nutrition. I've had to go back so many times to get him weighed for growth checks. If I'd let him CIO in the early days I likely would've had to supplement for failure to thrive or something. I'm SO glad I've tended to his needs and fed (and cuddled) on demand! I can't imagine where we'd be if I let him CIO simply because I deemed that his needs were not legitimate.

 

[nzjade]

Please do not let your one month old CIO! Tell your MIL and husband to research this online before they judge you for comforting your baby. Your LO has only been in this big scary world for a few short weeks, they just need some comforting to know that it's OK. You cannot spoil a young baby. If I were suddenly dumped on Mars, and there was a big kind alien who was looking after me and keeping me warm and fed, I would sure be crying for a cuddle from them! That's a bit of a silly way of thinking of it, but it's kinda true lol. A young baby who is left to CIO is not learning to self settle, they are just learning not to bother crying because no one will come for them. I personally don't agree with CIO at any age, but even those who recommend it don't recommend it for babies under 6 months.

Don't let them pressure you hun x

 

[Littlelotus]

I'm hoping someone here can give me advice on whether its ok to let a 1 month old cry without consoling them. When are they old enough to 'cry it out' on their own? It goes against everything I have heard or read but my husband & MIL say it is spoiling the baby and making the behavior worse. I always pick her up when she is crying and most of the time I can soothe her but she will start crying when I put her down. My husband wants me to stop doing this. Tonight we were having dinner with MIL and my little one was crying hysterically. After several minutes I was just about in tears so I got up and left to comfort her. Both husband & MIL were not happy.

I think part of my husband's opinion is based on the fact that I am up all night (literally every hour) with her because she cries as soon as she is put of the crib which is next to our bed. OH wants us to move her to her own room I'm exhausted beyond belief but I would rather sacrifice my sleep and sanity than cause any psychological damage to her. I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Thanks,
m2b

I agree with what everyone says. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for caring for your newborn.

The only time I would ever suggest letting a baby that young cry is if your stress level is so high from constant crying that you need a sanity break. Sometimes taking care of yourself needs to be a priority too.

 

[Beanonorder]

I would point blank tell my dh and my MIL to suck it! Like the other's said, its way to young to be CIO and also with regards to your MIL, its your child so her opinion means nothing. Your dh should be trusting your instincts and not trying to force you to do something you aren't comfortable with. All your baby is learning now is not to trust you because her needs are not being tended to.

Have you considered letting her sleep on you at night? I never thought I'd do that and I was terrifed in the beginning but it really worked wonders for us. I'd feed LO then let her fall asleep on my chest while I was slightly propped up. We'd spend half the night like that and when I woke up I'd gently move her over to her basinett.

 

[MommyJogger]

I would point blank tell my dh and my MIL to suck it!

I'm glad someone said it and it wasn't me.

 

[sevenofnine]

Even proponents of CIO would NEVER let a one month old baby scream him or herself to settle!

Go with your instincts

 

[Bevziibubble]

I would never let any age of baby cry it out, let alone a poor newborn. Your husband and MIL are so wrong. You can't spoil a baby with love. I've had all this from my husband's family time and time again and it's something that really annoys me.

Just a month ago your baby was safe and secure in your womb. She never felt scared, hungry, tired, unsafe. All her needs were met. Then suddenly she is out in this big, new, scary world. It must be incredibly scary for babies. It's understandable that she wants you. You are all she's ever known. You're not spoiling her by picking her up, you're just responding to her basic needs. We wouldn't expect an adult to have to cry on their own, so why a newborn baby.

If you never want to CIO that's fine. I'm pretty sure that those who have never let their baby CIO don't look back with regret about it. I can't imagine anyone has ever looked back and said they wish they'd left their baby to cry! My LO is 18 months and still wakes numerous times a night. She has always been picked up and responded to when she cries and I have zero regrets about doing so. They're only little for such a short time really

 

[FeistyMom]

The PPs have covered the bases - CIO is not meant for newborns. I believe one of the main advocates of CIO and infants actually recanted in between two of my pregnancies.

Part of the first month of life is baby learning to communicate and parent learning to interpret. Crying is the only way the baby has of saying anything or getting anyone's attention.

Stick to your guns and trust your gut

 

[MrsPear]

I agree it's definitely way too young. But Joni was really easily over-stimulated at that age. I did find that even a lot of cuddles/rocking could overstimulate her. I had to rock her really smoothly and silently in a dark place (obviously not possible in the daytime- it's not like I stood in a cupboard or something!). I felt like I should be talking to her etc, but honestly it didn't help, it just woke her up more and made things worse. But no, I would never have done CIO. xx

 

[katsbump]

You should never let her cry it out at this age. Babies need the reassurance that you care for them and will meet their needs for healthy development. No one else is going to do it! You don't get much sleep at first but it gets better. You just need to ignore oh and mil even when they're around - no letting lo get frantic with crying. There is lots of literature on the importance of holding lo and meeting her emotional needs so maybe you could get them to read something if they won't take your word for the importance of it. I had to put up with this crap from my mother, who I believe could start a "detachment parenting" movement, and I've just had to ignore her! Also, you could put lo in another room but not just so that oh can ignore her crying. Tell your oh that SIDS prevention guidelines recommend 6 months of room sharing. As I said to my own mom, how would I feel if something happened to her that could have been prevented and I had moved her too soon just to get a night of sleep! There are resources if you decide to eventually let lo cry it out but that would be way later. For now just give that baby as many snuggles as you can and as she wants - they're only small for such a short time.

 

[lozzy21]

No never, I'd be tempted to tie your OH to the bed for half an hour in a dark room so he can see what it would feel like to leave your newborn to cry.