A Sad Story About Being Single and Pregnant.

[woadie]

I met a man around a month ago online, and we got talking. He knew from day one of us speaking that I was pregnant. We were pretty soon spending all hours online talking and it was all too good to be true, really it was. He seemed to be everything my heart wanted and more importantly he seemed to care so much. We got on like a house on fire and he made my heart skip. I haven't felt like that in so very long. I never started talking to him for any other reason than he seeemed nice and seemed to just want to chat to someone. I never met him on a dating website if anyone wonders. But somehow we just enjoyed each others company (I thought).

It soon came around to the topic of him and I meeting and it was the most daunting thing I've ever done. We set a date to meet face to face just two weeks in, and I threw caution to the wind and said he could come and stay.

All I could think of was 'what if he doesn't like me?' and vice versa, and it was so worrying when we met. But for some reason, despite me being pregnant, despite our online acquaintance, somehow we seemed to click totally. I needn't have worried really.

The past two weeks have been a fairytale. He planned to move here and take some small jobs (he is a landscape gardener). My wage would cover us both for all the main things. He was excited to be a Dad to my bump and we started making plans.

Again, it all seemed just too good to be true.

Well, a couple of days ago he took me over to see where he lived. I finally saw that nothing he ever said had been a lie. Instead it just confused me more. Why would he want to be with me? When we got back to my home (he lives some 3 1/2 hours drive away) I was tired and I guess pregnancy hormones were doing their thing, it was the middle of the night, and I am not proud to say I flipped and went slightly off on one, wanting to know a few things....

I just couldn't understand why he would want to be with me. I don't mind admitting that I was so wrong to have handled things how I did, but I just couldn't believe this man would want me. I've been through so much the past two years or so and I had resigned myself to the fact that this is how life was meant to be. He upset the equation and upset something I had gotten used to... that life was shit and I just got through and lived each day as it came.

This baby, well. I am 17 weeks and two days pregnant. I didn't really love the man responsible for my state although I was fond of him at the time. I joined this forum soon after I became pregnant and he dumped me. I didn't know which way to turn and considered abortion but I knew I just couldn't do that. It was a tough decision to make and one I knew I would face alone. But I chose to keep it. To say that I've looked forward to having a child is an overstatement. Until I met this man, I was ignoring that I was pregnant and had no desire to make long term plans... that is not how I live my life since I suffered the loss of two people I dearly loved over two years ago. Each day the sun rises, I get through the day, and the sun sets. I sleep. Repeat. Its a formula that works in a stagnant life.

This man made me desire a life with him and this child and for the first time I actually saw the possible future and it did seem good. I was seeing something that before I didn't even dare dream of having. The baby was going to be ours and everything wrong with my life had a chance of being put right. He even came along to the scan last week and declared himself the father on paperwork, which made my heart soar. My heart exploded with happiness that this man wanted me and MY child.

Remember I spoke to him in the middle of the night and asked him why he would want me? I have no family, I have several messes in life I am wading through, and I am pregnant.

He got up the next day and made to leave. He said he just needed a couple of days to think about things I had said, then he would be back. I knew from my heart that he probably would not be.

Now as I sit here on Sunday morning in the cold light of day let me share with you what he said last night.

He couldn't be with me because I had reminded him that the baby was not his and every time he looked at the bump he would see it was not. He could not raise a child that was not his (despite the fact he had done it more than once before with other womens' (older) children and despite the fact this would be his from day one). He would look at the child and wonder if it looked like the guy with whom the whole mistake occurred. He could not accept the mistake that occurred long before I met him with a man I never loved.

He wants a child of his own with a woman. I guess I'm not single and childless enough for him. All my life (I am now 37) I have remained childless and now when this mistake happens I am punished for keeping the child.

He said that if I got rid of it, we could stay together. He said he would help me but only when I asked him if he would.

He said I had listened to others too much and made the wrong choice when I decided to keep the child.

He said I was irresponsible to bring this child into the world as a single parent when the other man did not want it. That bit cut deep.

I love this man and I have watched every part of the dream I lived out for such a tiny frame of time, just wither and die in seconds. I sit here now and ask myself, if I hadn't have wanted to be sure he was with me for the right reasons would I still be sat in my dream world looking forward to having a happy life with a man I loved.... or would this time bomb still be waiting to explode?

On the cold light of a sunday morning I sit here wondering why I am such a magnet for all the hurt and pain that swings past me. I hate right now that I am seventeen weeks and two days pregnant. I hate that I am alone in this world and right now I dont know which way to turn.

I could get rid of this baby at a private clinic within days, but that would never be a guarantee he would stay with me. It would be the hardest thing I have ever done. And I would feel like a murderer. I might not want this child particularly as I sit here, but then, I cannot blame it for the punishments I am being dealt right now.

So, I am bad for bringing a child into this world knowing that the father didn't want it. So I made the wrong choice. So well I guess I have to live with that choice now.

Most of all I hate myself for ever wanting anything good in life and for ever thinking that somehow life would swing right.

Sorry this was so long.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Hugs hun. What a hard situation. I personally think you did the right thing with what you said wether he wanted to hear it or not. I knw the outcome wasnt good but at least its off your mind an dyou can TRY and move on.

Its hard to have a baby when you dislike the father. I know first hand because my sons dad was abusive to me. I never thought I could love the child I was carrying but 5 years on, I forget about his dad because although he has his genes, he is MY son, I brought him up and thats all that matter.

I can sympathise with how your feeling. I met a man early this year and wondered why on earth he would take on me, with 2 kids, all my problems etc, I just couldnt believe it so I pushed him away. Thankfully in June he came back and I realised I had to get used to the idea that someone maybe, possibly loved me for who I am.

Good luck hun and try and relax, Things will get better I promise x

 

[woadie]

Thanks Emzy You hit the nail on the head when you said the guy you're with loves you for who you are. That is what you found, and I lack in this situation

The hardest thing is that I could accept that he had a daughter with someone else and wanted her as part of our lives, and I did love him for who he was completely.

 

[Ash_P]

Sorry to hear u are going thru this hun, but u need to try to look to the future. U may feel alone, and feel like life is such a mess at the minute, but when that wee one is born ur life will change considerably. That is what gets me thru every day (my husband left me when I was 6 weeks preg for another woman) Theres days I wake up and think "why me" what have I done to deserve this etc etc but then I feel my baby inside me moving and kicking I forget about the misery that Iv gone thru and look forward to the happy times. U will come out the other side a stronger person. And u will never look back

Dont for one minute think that if u didnt have this baby that the guy u met will want to be with u. TO be honest and I dont mean to be rude to u, but U have only known this guy a short time, and he is putting pressure on u already, giving u orders what to do with ur body and ur baby. Do u really want to be with a man who is telling u to abort ur unborn child???

Ur 37 and have remained childless until now, this could be ur only opportunity to have a child, and could u live with the fact that if u got rid of the baby, he came back and in 3 or 4 years time he announced he wanted a child with u, but it could be too late then. Whats to say he wouldnt leave u then anyway.

If he truely wants u enough, then he will accept that u are having a child to someone else, and he should love this baby as much as he loves u, and if he doesnt, then he really isnt worth it, and doesnt deserve u.

Focus on ur child and pregnancy, be happy within urself, look forward to the future, and when u least expect it, the perfect man will come along. Things come to us when we least expect it. Dont get upset or stressed hun, ur baby will sense it. Men come and go, friends come and go. But that wee baby of urs is for life.

Hope ur ok, and if u need anything or just a chat we are all here, or a wee PM away. x

 

[truly_blessed]

I've never been in this situation so I can only say what I see. I'm 40 in 4 weeks and have been in several relationships over the years, most lasting 5+ years but I never felt ready to quite tust the man I was with 'our' children, so I put it off. 6 years ago I met my OH who is 14 years younger than me and then it was a case of 'well I'm getting too old and he's too young' I really thought I was never going to have children but, thankfully, I'm 10+ weeks with our first. It's like Ash says, this might be it for you (it might not, who knows) but you need to bear that in mind, you might not get another chance.

As for this guy, well, do you realy know enough about him after so little time. It can take a while for people to not be in their best behavior and show thier true colours. I know you can't help it, but is there a chance that you pushed him away, that because you seem to be so hard on yourself, you got him to think about things that didn't even matter to him. You can't forgive him for the things he has said about the baby and you need to thin about you first and foremost. I just always believe that things work out for the best, even though it's hard to see it at the time. What you go through in life shapes who you are and does make you a better person.

I'm sure you'll do what is right for you. Good luck sweetheart x

 

[woadie]

As for this guy, well, do you realy know enough about him after so little time. It can take a while for people to not be in their best behavior and show thier true colours.

I know you can't help it, but is there a chance that you pushed him away, that because you seem to be so hard on yourself, you got him to think about things that didn't even matter to him.

You can't forgive him for the things he has said about the baby and you need to thin about you first and foremost.

I guess I thought I knew him better than I really did although I knew there was a lot to learn about him still.

I probably did push him away but if I got him thinking about things that didn't matter to him, then surely it should have made little difference. I know from something he said before to me that a part of him wanted the baby out of the way. What Ash said

If he truely wants u enough, then he will accept that u are having a child to someone else, and he should love this baby as much as he loves u, and if he doesnt, then he really isnt worth it, and doesnt deserve u.

completely exposes the fears that led to me 'pushing him away'. If it hadn't have happened now wouldn't it have happened next week or next month? He has made it clear he won't accept this child so I just dont understand why he ever bothered with me in the first place Actually he also said last night he would leave me when it was born. So there you go.

Apart from that I am upset that he said that women who choose to be single parents are doing the wrong thing if the man does not want it. It was a very cutting remark and hurt deeply. I never once asked for this child or planned this child and for one moment of pure stupidity in my life I am paying very dearly. Yes I could have simply nipped up the clinic, popped a tablet or two, bled a lot and it would have all been over as if it had never happened and I would no longer be frowned upon by society. It's that easy, right?

 

[MissE007]

I guess I thought I knew him better than I really did although I knew there was a lot to learn about him still.

I probably did push him away but if I got him thinking about things that didn't matter to him, then surely it should have made little difference. I know from something he said before to me that a part of him wanted the baby out of the way. What Ash said

If he truely wants u enough, then he will accept that u are having a child to someone else, and he should love this baby as much as he loves u, and if he doesnt, then he really isnt worth it, and doesnt deserve u.

completely exposes the fears that led to me 'pushing him away'. If it hadn't have happened now wouldn't it have happened next week or next month? He has made it clear he won't accept this child so I just dont understand why he ever bothered with me in the first place Actually he also said last night he would leave me when it was born. So there you go.

Apart from that I am upset that he said that women who choose to be single parents are doing the wrong thing if the man does not want it. It was a very cutting remark and hurt deeply. I never once asked for this child or planned this child and for one moment of pure stupidity in my life I am paying very dearly. Yes I could have simply nipped up the clinic, popped a tablet or two, bled a lot and it would have all been over as if it had never happened and I would no longer be frowned upon by society. It's that easy, right?

Hi - sorry to hear about your situation. It's horrible to read that so many women are put in this kind of situation.

Personally I don't believe it is 'wrong' to keep a baby if the father 'doesn't want it'. My view is that when you sleep with someone you take a risk, unless you are both going out of your way to avoid that risk.
Sometimes, maybe we don't think about the risk as much as we should, nor the consequences...but that is a decision that two people make.
Once the deed is done and a life has been created it is a whole different ball game.

Why should it be on the woman to put herself through an incredibly traumatic situation, that it took two people to make? For most women - pregnancy, bearing, raising a child is a fundemental part of their identity as a woman. For some maybe it is an easy choice to go through with a termination, for others it is very difficult no matter what the circumstances are. In my opinion societal pressure should be on the father to step up to the plate and take responsibility for their actions - putting themselves aside, that is what we women all have to do once we become pregnant, right?

This running away, perhaps some of it may be due to raising another man's child. But this has been done before by many men...the bigger problem in my opinion is whether he wants the responsibilty of raising a child...does he want to sacrifice his own life for the sake of another? If he is not prepared to do both of these things he will run.

I think it's up to him to get his head around it, it is possible that he will come around, I think time will tell.

In the meantime I hope you begin to feel better, I know there's not really much people can say to cheer you up completely. Just know you haven't done anything wrong at all.

 

[woadie]

Thanks for everyone's kind words and advice, they really do mean a lot. The past day or so have been so awful.

I know it's probably my own fault for how I feel now. I guess I don't judge others too well sometimes.

 

[KaeRit21]

hey, we've all been there hun when we've thought someone was different. he's just showed his true colours and you'l be better off without him. it may not feel like it now and your heart may be a lil bit broken but that LO inside you is the best gift this world can give you and you soon wont even give this plonker a second thought

your certainly not to blame, if this man wanted solely to be with you, he'd move heaven and earth to do so...believe me when i tell you if hes not, hes not for you.
there is someone out there who will love you for who you are, not what you have/havent got or what you can offer him. you'll simply be enough.

im a firm believer in "whats for you wont go past you". you were meant to go through this and you'l be stronger for it darling.

keep your head up high and tell yourself every day that your worth more.

its HIS loss darling, believe that


xxxxx

 

[EternalRose]

Hi hun, I dont have much to say but please dont ever abort your child for a man, this baby is your own flesh & blood and if he was to dump you afterwards you would feel devastated and would be wishing you kept your baby. Also, I take it your feeling your baby move now? What heartless man would ask you to kill your child ? I agree with what someone else said on this thread, you thought he loved you for who you are, and now he is putting conditions on his love, that is cruel and its not unconditional. So sorry your going through this

 

[loonylamb]

hi, i'm really sorry to hear of the tough time you are going through, although i love the internet I sometimes feel it has disadvantages and this is one of those times, unfortunetly not everyone is honest when typing into a computer and they can say what they think others want to hear and you can only judge on the words you see not the other cues like body language that would give something away.
i have no idea for the reasons behind this man's behaviour or why he has treated you so badly when you openly welcomed him into your life, you probably asked questions because some part of you needed the answers maybe you sensed he wasn't being totally honest with you.
you did the right thing, the only people at this moment who are worth your love and respect is yourself and your LO, everyone else has to earn it.
As for the c*** about being irresponsible with having this child because the dad doesn't want to know, that was a really low blow to make you doubt your own judgement along with everything else he's done, that is bang out of order.
Life can be harsh and painful but it's also filled with happiness especially the first time you hold your child, please hold onto that and I hope from now things start to improve for you

 

[woadie]

Thank you so much eternal and loony. Yes I have really doubted myself these past two days and I am so grateful for everyones encouragement over the decision I made to keep the child. That in itself was traumatic enough, but to then be told that you're not wanted because of it... It really hurt. It was bad enough having the pregnancy and baby rejected the first time around without someone who claimed to love me doing the same thing . I don't think anything could have made me feel lower than being told that by someone I'd fallen in love with.

I don't think I'm perfect and I'm quite sure I hurt him when I challenged him as to why he was with me but it was never intended and I can't help but beat myself up over it.

He also had taken days off work to spend time with me. At the time I had asked if he was sure, and that he would be okay for money if he did it. He told me yes and I wasn't to worry. This saturday evening he told me that he only had £2 to his name all because of visiting me, and that his van would never make the trip back to see me again. I had no idea and it made me feel really really bad... I've even considered sending him some money out of what I have left over from my wages because I don't want to feel as if I owe him anything, and despite how he feels about me I don't want to see him without enough money to live. What do you think?

Lastly, he had his daughter over with his folks at Half term. She stopped with him on the Thursday night. He insisted on coming to me on the Friday even though I kept asking him if he was sure he shouldn't be with his daughter. He told me his Mum had plans with his daughter which didn't involve him at all, amd so there was no problem. This saturday night he told me he'd missed some big family Halloween party gathering his folks had arranged to be with me... I was mortified... I don't understand why he lied, he knew how much I would feel hurt and guilty if he gave up family and daughter time for me.I would never have been popular with his parents for 'making him neglect his family'... I know how parents work sadly

Why couldn't he have been honest with me instead of hitting me with this ton of bricks yesterday? I have felt so bad about these things on top of all the comments about how he could no longer be with me

He bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers just last Tuesday. It meant the world to me, especially as no one in my life has ever done that before... on the card he wrote
'I love you babe and always will xxx P.S. Please don't worry about anything as I will always be here for you'

That card is a stab to my heart. I don't know why he had to write that.

 

[loonylamb]

Hi woadie, I hate to say this but it sounds as if you're well rid of him, if this early on in the relationship he's lying and manipulating situations like this god knows what you would have ended up in had it continued. I'm probably out of order saying this cos I don't know the guy but from what you've said I've got huge alarms bells ringing because what he has said and done is manipulative to make you doubt your own judgement when you are vulnerable because of the situation and I feel it's bordering on psychological abuse........ it wouldn't surprise me if he had a history of treating women this way (and worse).
big to you and take time to let yourself heal it's surprising how the ones we fall for quickly can be the hardest to get over.
he had choices all the time in this situation and he consciously made those choices but he's trying to lay the responsibility on you, do not send him money, you owe him nothing

 

[aliss]

Google "blowtorcher" and you might see what this man is.

 

[ukpaul31]

Hi

your doing the right thing keeping the baby,am sure he may come round in time, i know it does not help you out at the moment, sorry to hear about everything that is happing to you at the min,
keep your head up

 

[woadie]

Thanks all of you.... and Aliss... LOL! That really made me laugh, I now have a new term to apply to disasterous lovelives clicky and clicky, I'd never heard of that one before!

Everyones words have helped an awful lot and helped me think about things / get things clear in my own head

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Hope you are feelin better x

 

[woadie]

A lot better, thanks emzy... just getting it all clear in my head was really needed... I was in such a mess this weekend as you could tell... I really needed to know that how I felt was okay and know I did the right thing.

I'm luckily signed off from work so it's been one hassle less whilst all this has gone on... lord only knows what I put bump through with the upset though

Thanks again

 

[Welshcob]

Huge hug - I feel you have done the right thing - keep this baby, you will love it and it may be your last chance for a child. Grow stronger with the rest of us here. We can help each other xxx

 

[lou_w34]

You have done the right thing...

We all second guess ourselves at times, it sometimes takes others to tell us were doing the right thing, even if its staring us in the face.

Soon you will feel so strong, and wonder why you ever thought you needed him