woadie
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- Joined
- Aug 30, 2009
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I met a man around a month ago online, and we got talking. He knew from day one of us speaking that I was pregnant. We were pretty soon spending all hours online talking and it was all too good to be true, really it was. He seemed to be everything my heart wanted and more importantly he seemed to care so much. We got on like a house on fire and he made my heart skip. I haven't felt like that in so very long. I never started talking to him for any other reason than he seeemed nice and seemed to just want to chat to someone. I never met him on a dating website if anyone wonders. But somehow we just enjoyed each others company (I thought).
It soon came around to the topic of him and I meeting and it was the most daunting thing I've ever done. We set a date to meet face to face just two weeks in, and I threw caution to the wind and said he could come and stay.
All I could think of was 'what if he doesn't like me?' and vice versa, and it was so worrying when we met. But for some reason, despite me being pregnant, despite our online acquaintance, somehow we seemed to click totally. I needn't have worried really.
The past two weeks have been a fairytale. He planned to move here and take some small jobs (he is a landscape gardener). My wage would cover us both for all the main things. He was excited to be a Dad to my bump and we started making plans.
Again, it all seemed just too good to be true.
Well, a couple of days ago he took me over to see where he lived. I finally saw that nothing he ever said had been a lie. Instead it just confused me more. Why would he want to be with me? When we got back to my home (he lives some 3 1/2 hours drive away) I was tired and I guess pregnancy hormones were doing their thing, it was the middle of the night, and I am not proud to say I flipped and went slightly off on one, wanting to know a few things....
I just couldn't understand why he would want to be with me. I don't mind admitting that I was so wrong to have handled things how I did, but I just couldn't believe this man would want me. I've been through so much the past two years or so and I had resigned myself to the fact that this is how life was meant to be. He upset the equation and upset something I had gotten used to... that life was shit and I just got through and lived each day as it came.
This baby, well. I am 17 weeks and two days pregnant. I didn't really love the man responsible for my state although I was fond of him at the time. I joined this forum soon after I became pregnant and he dumped me. I didn't know which way to turn and considered abortion but I knew I just couldn't do that. It was a tough decision to make and one I knew I would face alone. But I chose to keep it. To say that I've looked forward to having a child is an overstatement. Until I met this man, I was ignoring that I was pregnant and had no desire to make long term plans... that is not how I live my life since I suffered the loss of two people I dearly loved over two years ago. Each day the sun rises, I get through the day, and the sun sets. I sleep. Repeat. Its a formula that works in a stagnant life.
This man made me desire a life with him and this child and for the first time I actually saw the possible future and it did seem good. I was seeing something that before I didn't even dare dream of having. The baby was going to be ours and everything wrong with my life had a chance of being put right. He even came along to the scan last week and declared himself the father on paperwork, which made my heart soar. My heart exploded with happiness that this man wanted me and MY child.
Remember I spoke to him in the middle of the night and asked him why he would want me? I have no family, I have several messes in life I am wading through, and I am pregnant.
He got up the next day and made to leave. He said he just needed a couple of days to think about things I had said, then he would be back. I knew from my heart that he probably would not be.
Now as I sit here on Sunday morning in the cold light of day let me share with you what he said last night.
He couldn't be with me because I had reminded him that the baby was not his and every time he looked at the bump he would see it was not. He could not raise a child that was not his (despite the fact he had done it more than once before with other womens' (older) children and despite the fact this would be his from day one). He would look at the child and wonder if it looked like the guy with whom the whole mistake occurred. He could not accept the mistake that occurred long before I met him with a man I never loved.
He wants a child of his own with a woman. I guess I'm not single and childless enough for him. All my life (I am now 37) I have remained childless and now when this mistake happens I am punished for keeping the child.
He said that if I got rid of it, we could stay together. He said he would help me but only when I asked him if he would.
He said I had listened to others too much and made the wrong choice when I decided to keep the child.
He said I was irresponsible to bring this child into the world as a single parent when the other man did not want it. That bit cut deep.
I love this man and I have watched every part of the dream I lived out for such a tiny frame of time, just wither and die in seconds. I sit here now and ask myself, if I hadn't have wanted to be sure he was with me for the right reasons would I still be sat in my dream world looking forward to having a happy life with a man I loved.... or would this time bomb still be waiting to explode?
On the cold light of a sunday morning I sit here wondering why I am such a magnet for all the hurt and pain that swings past me. I hate right now that I am seventeen weeks and two days pregnant. I hate that I am alone in this world and right now I dont know which way to turn.
I could get rid of this baby at a private clinic within days, but that would never be a guarantee he would stay with me. It would be the hardest thing I have ever done. And I would feel like a murderer. I might not want this child particularly as I sit here, but then, I cannot blame it for the punishments I am being dealt right now.
So, I am bad for bringing a child into this world knowing that the father didn't want it. So I made the wrong choice. So well I guess I have to live with that choice now.
Most of all I hate myself for ever wanting anything good in life and for ever thinking that somehow life would swing right.
Sorry this was so long.
It soon came around to the topic of him and I meeting and it was the most daunting thing I've ever done. We set a date to meet face to face just two weeks in, and I threw caution to the wind and said he could come and stay.
All I could think of was 'what if he doesn't like me?' and vice versa, and it was so worrying when we met. But for some reason, despite me being pregnant, despite our online acquaintance, somehow we seemed to click totally. I needn't have worried really.
The past two weeks have been a fairytale. He planned to move here and take some small jobs (he is a landscape gardener). My wage would cover us both for all the main things. He was excited to be a Dad to my bump and we started making plans.
Again, it all seemed just too good to be true.
Well, a couple of days ago he took me over to see where he lived. I finally saw that nothing he ever said had been a lie. Instead it just confused me more. Why would he want to be with me? When we got back to my home (he lives some 3 1/2 hours drive away) I was tired and I guess pregnancy hormones were doing their thing, it was the middle of the night, and I am not proud to say I flipped and went slightly off on one, wanting to know a few things....
I just couldn't understand why he would want to be with me. I don't mind admitting that I was so wrong to have handled things how I did, but I just couldn't believe this man would want me. I've been through so much the past two years or so and I had resigned myself to the fact that this is how life was meant to be. He upset the equation and upset something I had gotten used to... that life was shit and I just got through and lived each day as it came.
This baby, well. I am 17 weeks and two days pregnant. I didn't really love the man responsible for my state although I was fond of him at the time. I joined this forum soon after I became pregnant and he dumped me. I didn't know which way to turn and considered abortion but I knew I just couldn't do that. It was a tough decision to make and one I knew I would face alone. But I chose to keep it. To say that I've looked forward to having a child is an overstatement. Until I met this man, I was ignoring that I was pregnant and had no desire to make long term plans... that is not how I live my life since I suffered the loss of two people I dearly loved over two years ago. Each day the sun rises, I get through the day, and the sun sets. I sleep. Repeat. Its a formula that works in a stagnant life.
This man made me desire a life with him and this child and for the first time I actually saw the possible future and it did seem good. I was seeing something that before I didn't even dare dream of having. The baby was going to be ours and everything wrong with my life had a chance of being put right. He even came along to the scan last week and declared himself the father on paperwork, which made my heart soar. My heart exploded with happiness that this man wanted me and MY child.
Remember I spoke to him in the middle of the night and asked him why he would want me? I have no family, I have several messes in life I am wading through, and I am pregnant.
He got up the next day and made to leave. He said he just needed a couple of days to think about things I had said, then he would be back. I knew from my heart that he probably would not be.
Now as I sit here on Sunday morning in the cold light of day let me share with you what he said last night.
He couldn't be with me because I had reminded him that the baby was not his and every time he looked at the bump he would see it was not. He could not raise a child that was not his (despite the fact he had done it more than once before with other womens' (older) children and despite the fact this would be his from day one). He would look at the child and wonder if it looked like the guy with whom the whole mistake occurred. He could not accept the mistake that occurred long before I met him with a man I never loved.
He wants a child of his own with a woman. I guess I'm not single and childless enough for him. All my life (I am now 37) I have remained childless and now when this mistake happens I am punished for keeping the child.
He said that if I got rid of it, we could stay together. He said he would help me but only when I asked him if he would.
He said I had listened to others too much and made the wrong choice when I decided to keep the child.
He said I was irresponsible to bring this child into the world as a single parent when the other man did not want it. That bit cut deep.
I love this man and I have watched every part of the dream I lived out for such a tiny frame of time, just wither and die in seconds. I sit here now and ask myself, if I hadn't have wanted to be sure he was with me for the right reasons would I still be sat in my dream world looking forward to having a happy life with a man I loved.... or would this time bomb still be waiting to explode?
On the cold light of a sunday morning I sit here wondering why I am such a magnet for all the hurt and pain that swings past me. I hate right now that I am seventeen weeks and two days pregnant. I hate that I am alone in this world and right now I dont know which way to turn.
I could get rid of this baby at a private clinic within days, but that would never be a guarantee he would stay with me. It would be the hardest thing I have ever done. And I would feel like a murderer. I might not want this child particularly as I sit here, but then, I cannot blame it for the punishments I am being dealt right now.
So, I am bad for bringing a child into this world knowing that the father didn't want it. So I made the wrong choice. So well I guess I have to live with that choice now.
Most of all I hate myself for ever wanting anything good in life and for ever thinking that somehow life would swing right.
Sorry this was so long.