absolutley crushed

[Amygdala]

Have you talked to him about WHY you're frustrated with being the breadwinner? Is it too much work for you, too much responsibility? Are you really struggling with money? And is there a reason for him staying in his dead-end job? It sounds like you're going to have to find some patience for his work situation if you want to make things work. As others have said, chances are he's even more upset about it than you are.
One thing struck me though: You said you weren't sorry for anything you said? Despite it making him think he's not good enough for you and you'd be better off without him? I'm sorry to say but I really think you should think about this. If you love him and don't want him to feel like that then apologise and make a point of telling him the things you like about him. If you don't really care that that's what he feels like then maybe you need to think about whether you're unhappier with this marriage than you thought. Because if you really think that he's not good enough to make you happy then chances are there's more wrong than just his job.
But if you come to the conclusion that you do want to work it out then I'm sure that with a little patience and a lot of talking you can. Oh and finally a little advice I try to live by myself: research has shown that in relationships that work long-term, on average each partner tells the other 5 things they like about them for every criticism. Meaning that as long as you tell your partner what you like about them (obviously whenever you think of something and not just when you're about to critise them) they will find criticism easier to take. Men like to look like tough guys but in the end they need to feel loved and appreciated as much as we do.
Hope you can get to a better place soon!

 

[Bambi1985]

I agree that he probably feels that he should be the breadwinner and is frustrated by the fact that he isn't. Maybe as your TTC date was getting closer he's been worried about how he would provide for you and LO while you wern't working?

 

[hypnorm]

I never EVER thought I would be the one providing for the family."

And that did it. Thats when he slammed his computer shut and yelled some explitive, said that was the worst thing I could have ever said to him, and he stormed out. On his way he said, dont call me dont try to find me, just forget about me. You are better off without me in your life making you miserable...

Yeh i think my OH would walk out if i ever said that to him, men are supposed to be the breadwinners and he probably felt completely useless.

Money is the worst evil int he world and causes soo much stress, hope you can sort things out.

 

[LadyofRohan]

I never EVER thought I would be the one providing for the family."

And that did it. Thats when he slammed his computer shut and yelled some explitive, said that was the worst thing I could have ever said to him, and he stormed out. On his way he said, dont call me dont try to find me, just forget about me. You are better off without me in your life making you miserable...

Yeh i think my OH would walk out if i ever said that to him, men are supposed to be the breadwinners and he probably felt completely useless.

Money is the worst evil int he world and causes soo much stress, hope you can sort things out.

I'm going to have to agree with this, I think your comment hit below the belt and was a very sore spot for him.

You said that you told him this wasn't the fairytale marriage you dreamed about when you were little...did you stop to think that it's not a fairytale marriage for him either? I'm sure he didn't dream of not being the breadwinner of the family, I'm sure he didn't want to be stuck in a dead end job, I'm sure he didn't think that he'd have to get a second job to make ends meet and that he wouldn't be able to care for his wife or family.

The majority of men need to feel wanted, then need to feel needed by their OH. But it's wired differently in men. For us women, to feel wanted or needed we need physical affection (hugs, kissing, hand holding, etc) and to be told (we want to hear him say "I love you" to us). For men, they need to be of service--I can't really think of any other way to say it. They need for you to ask them for help every now and then, to feel like you really need them in your life. They like when you do little things like hand them a peanut butter jar because you can't open it, or ask them for something on the high shelf because you can't reach it.

Sit DH down and apologize to him for your comment (he should apologize as well for blowing up at you, but don't push it. Hopefully he will come around and do it on his own). Tell him what he does for you that really help and make your life less stressful. Such as "you know, I love when you help me with my car, I know nothing about that kind of stuff" or "I love when you make me coffee in the morning when I'm running a bit late" or "I love that you know how to handle *fill in blank* because it takes alot of stress from me and let's me have a better day."

Most of all . I'm sorry everything seemed to blow up all at once. Money is always a sore spot for most couples so you are not alone. You two love each other very much (don't forget that!) and I'm sure you'll get through this.

(disclaimer: I know not all men are like this. So if your DH isn't, feel free to completely ignore my entire post )

 

[Mumtotwoboys]

i'm sorry you are going through a rough patch, but if you love your OH does it matter whether he earns more than you or not? i mean we are not in the 1950's anymore. i would never shout at my OH for earning less, i love him not the amount of money he brings home. i'm sure your OH would love to earn more and provide better for you and his future family. are you perhaps more frustrated with his attitude towards finding a better job? i do wish you well, but money although makes life easier really isn't worth losing your OH over xxx

 

[sleepinbeauty]

Oh my...that's really scary. I'm glad he came home though. Hang in there, it'll be ok... *hugs*

 

[Sooz]

It was the same for us for a good couple of years, at one point DH was unemployed for almost a full year and it was so difficult for me to bear the responsibility of providing for us and our furbles. Money (until DH got broody) was the only thing we ever argued over.

If I had said any of the comments that you had it would have completely undermined him and our relationship....I think the fact we came through it together cemented us as a couple and when I said my vows that day I meant every single last word. At one point though I was very close to walking because I just couldn't see a way out.

Your DH has said to be patient with him, well I will echo this. My DH got a new job a couple of weeks after our wedding and was offered a permenant unconditional salaried contract with benefits last week. The difference this has made to us, and to him is immense, we are both so much more relaxed now. I wonder if your frustration is that you can see your lack of financial security affecting your chances of TTC soon.

You both need to trust & support each other and you'll be just fine.

 

[PeanutBean]

I'm sorry you're going through this and understand your frustration (I am also the main earner) but I'm afraid I agree with the others who have said that your comment about your dream marriage from the age of 6 was cruel. I wouldn't ever say such a thing to my DH. He is so good to me and does so much for me and now is the best Dad I could ever be with and though it's hard that I earn more and have to go to work it's just the way it is. He'd love a better paid job but there aren't any. I think DH would be devastated if I told him our marriage was so far from a dream. The reality is that marriages are not how you imagine them when you are a child, they are hard a fraught with all the difficulties of being independent people needing to pay bills and keep a roof over your heads. They are also a partnership. I'm glad he came home and I hope you can work it out.

 

[goddess25]

Runner girl it certainly sounds like you have been going through a really hard time. I hope you manage to sort things out.

I have to agree with some of the other comments... i can understand how he felt so upset.

I have been the breadwinner for us ever since my husband and I have been together, and yes I would love it to be the other way around so I can stop feeling the responsibility but I accept thats its just the way it is and he does all that he can. I love him so much and I dont hold it against him, i am just lucky that I have just had more opportunities open to me and I have taken them. We used to argue about money and stuff but now It doesnt really bother me. Financially we could be way better off, esp right now as I have been on mat leave since the start of the year.

Try and show him how much you appreciate him and show him how much you love him. He needs to feel wanted and appreciated, the male ego is pretty fragile.
I hope you get everything sorted out.

Good Luck!

 

[runnergrl]

much much more to this story... will update when I can.. Tomorrow possibly.

 

[samzi]

hope all is ok and you have talked things through x

 

[runnergrl]

please see my journal for an explination/update Thank you all