Advice/Help

[Statik]

I am shocked by some of this. Why on earth would you be upset that an abusive parent should not be put on a birth cert? If a man will abuse a woman either emotionally or physically then what would stop him from doing it to a child. A lot of women on here have been through hell and back trying to raise and protect their children. Including myself. No, the man I had sex with will not be on the bc. It is not right to put my child in danger or myself because he got laid. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but my kids will always come first. It is a hard thing to do, raising a child alone, and it is not a decision that people take lightly. Yeah, sometimes parents can be jerks to each other and play stupid games, but the majority of the time there is a lot more to it all.
It just sounds like there is more to this story has been shared. I really hope your ex is not someone on this site who is being trolled. Your words are just too short, and some of it strikes me as very odd. Why wouldn't your daughter be safe?

 

[Rhio92]

A lot of us in here come from abusive relationships. Is it right that our children should witness that? Hell no.
If I could go back in time, FOB would not be on the bc. Simply because he has no interest in his son, he is only involved because he has certain control over me.
Do not judge us. You;re new, you've not been around from the start. Some women are in good places now, a year ago they were here broken and upset, unsure what to do.
We work damn hard for our kids to have good lives. Do not make out we are all against men.

Rant over.

Good luck

 

[stevon111]

I am shocked by some of this. Why on earth would you be upset that an abusive parent should not be put on a birth cert? If a man will abuse a woman either emotionally or physically then what would stop him from doing it to a child. A lot of women on here have been through hell and back trying to raise and protect their children. Including myself. No, the man I had sex with will not be on the bc. It is not right to put my child in danger or myself because he got laid. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but my kids will always come first. It is a hard thing to do, raising a child alone, and it is not a decision that people take lightly. Yeah, sometimes parents can be jerks to each other and play stupid games, but the majority of the time there is a lot more to it all.
It just sounds like there is more to this story has been shared. I really hope your ex is not someone on this site who is being trolled. Your words are just too short, and some of it strikes me as very odd. Why wouldn't your daughter be safe?

AGAIN! a Very good post on this thread...and i personally totally agree but i feel if the law was different then all men should be named on a birth cert if the girl knows who the father is BUT anyone who is abusive or a danger should NOT have any rights over their child at all! The law is the way it is sadly and with it as current then i agree with the poster above that men should NOT be on a birth cert if they are a danger or mentally or emotionally abuseive.

i think again the poster above is right reading between the lines then i think the whole story needs posted so people can get a better idea of everything which is going on.

 

[Laura2919]

I think its hard to judge anyones situation properly on here.
My FOB is a fool but was never abusive and never once gave me reason to doubt he would put my girls in harm but I respect that some of you ladies have had relationships like that.

I dont think it was intentionally meant to shock or upset you. but I can see that when someone doesnt understand the situation it could come across like that...

 

[daveww]

a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on thier because there are the parents !

 

[lou_w34]

a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !

That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.

Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.

But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!

What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.

 

[daveww]

a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !

That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.

Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.

But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!

What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.

i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess out

 

[Rhio92]

a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !

That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.

Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.

But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!

What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.

i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess out

Im not even going to waste my time arguing with you. But how on earth can a violent, evil thug deserve to be on the birth certificate, just because he provided the sperm that created the child? A father is someone who looks after the child, brings them up, guides them. Not some dick who thinks he's god's gift and impregnates women as though the population depends on it.

 

[daveww]

a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !

That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.

Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.

But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!

What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.

i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess out

Im not even going to waste my time arguing with you. But how on earth can a violent, evil thug deserve to be on the birth certificate, just because he provided the sperm that created the child? A father is someone who looks after the child, brings them up, guides them. Not some dick who thinks he's god's gift and impregnates women as though the population depends on it.

im not arguin or disputin anything its very very simple whatever u would like to call it sperm donor or whatever the bottom line is the man is the childs father despite how he acts and how ever much u want to give your point of view that will never change.... ill ask the question again... if a man thought the mother was not a good mother would that entitle him not to allow her to put her name on the bc as the childs mother?/

 

[Rhio92]

a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !

That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.

Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.

But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!

What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.

i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess out

Im not even going to waste my time arguing with you. But how on earth can a violent, evil thug deserve to be on the birth certificate, just because he provided the sperm that created the child? A father is someone who looks after the child, brings them up, guides them. Not some dick who thinks he's god's gift and impregnates women as though the population depends on it.

im not arguin or disputin anything its very very simple whatever u would like to call it sperm donor or whatever the bottom line is the man is the childs father despite how he acts and how ever much u want to give your point of view that will never change.... ill ask the question again... if a man thought the mother was not a good mother would that entitle him not to allow her to put her name on the bc as the childs mother?/

He can't do anything to stop it, but he's fight damn hard through solicitors, HV, doctors, child care workers, etc, to get things sorted with the mum, get custody or whatever. He'd wouldn't rest until he knew his child was safe.

I'll say this for the last time, do not judge us when you don't know the full story, or from a few posts you've skimmed over.

 

[daveww]

a birth certificate is thier for one reason and one reason only to document the mother and father as parents of a child ... no body has a right to deny that ..... if a man thought u should not be on the birth certificate for a parictular reason would that be right??? no mother and father should both be on there because there are the parents !

That is true, but Birth certificates dont mean what they used to a few years ago, ten years or so ago a BC was just that, a document to record down a childs parents and history. Now being on a BC certificate entitles you to certain rights if you are put on it.

Though i agree, this does not mean parents should be left off just because of spite or trying to get back at one another.

But, i can see why some parents, and by this i guess i do mean mothers, choose to leave the father off, say for violence, drugs etc. As now putting the father on the BC entitles him automatically to 50% rights of the child. Which of course he deserves if everything is normal and so he should be put on it!

What im trying to say is that BC are not there anymore for just one reason anymore, they carry a lot more weight than they used too.

i do understand what u say and your right the fact a fathers name is on the bc does give him certain rights. but it does not give a right to access only rights in terms of education etc. , now if a father was such a waste of space and no good he would not even bother to exercise those rights , i certainly agree with u in terms of violence drugs etc, but whatever a man has done he is still the father and therfore desrves to be on the bc .... he could very well be a bad person but the space on the bc that says fathers name is for that exactly the fathers name! , women can make it very difficult to allow fathers to see the children and if a man is the father he can go thro dna test etc. so the name will be on thier evantually so why draw the proccess out

Im not even going to waste my time arguing with you. But how on earth can a violent, evil thug deserve to be on the birth certificate, just because he provided the sperm that created the child? A father is someone who looks after the child, brings them up, guides them. Not some dick who thinks he's god's gift and impregnates women as though the population depends on it.

im not arguin or disputin anything its very very simple whatever u would like to call it sperm donor or whatever the bottom line is the man is the childs father despite how he acts and how ever much u want to give your point of view that will never change.... ill ask the question again... if a man thought the mother was not a good mother would that entitle him not to allow her to put her name on the bc as the childs mother?/

He can't do anything to stop it, but he's fight damn hard through solicitors, HV, doctors, child care workers, etc, to get things sorted with the mum, get custody or whatever. He'd wouldn't rest until he knew his child was safe.

I'll say this for the last time, do not judge us when you don't know the full story, or from a few posts you've skimmed over.

i have not judge anyone , i asked a very simple question , would u think its fair if a man was able to stop a mother being on a bc for reasons he thought were appropraite which u still did not answer. and yes i will fight damm hard to make sure my child is safe but because of the law the way that it is , it takes a very very long time and in the meantime i have no idea whter my child is safe and well and have no way of noing

 

[hubble]

daveww
To answer your question...
It's hardly a comparable scenario is it? A mother is recorded on the birth cerficate is a record of the person who actually physically gave birth to the child. This is obviously not the case for men.
Alot of women find themselves in a very vunerable position and feel that the only protection they can claim for themselves and their LO is to not put the father's name on the birth certificate. Whilst you may have the best intentions, you are naive if you don't realise that there are some men out there who will misuse ther parental responsibility as a means of controlling their ex-partner and forgetting that it is a privilege only to be used in terms of ther child's best interest.
It is of course a false sense of security as the pro-father mentality of the courts will give parental responsibility to the vast majority of those who ask for it no matter what their character/intentions/actions have been.

 

[daveww]

daveww
To answer your question...
It's hardly a comparable scenario is it? A mother is recorded on the birth cerficate is a record of the person who actually physically gave birth to the child. This is obviously not the case for men.
Alot of women find themselves in a very vunerable position and feel that the only protection they can claim for themselves and their LO is to not put the father's name on the birth certificate. Whilst you may have the best intentions, you are naive if you don't realise that there are some men out there who will misuse ther parental responsibility as a means of controlling their ex-partner and forgetting that it is a privilege only to be used in terms of ther child's best interest.
It is of course a false sense of security as the pro-father mentality of the courts will give parental responsibility to the vast majority of those who ask for it no matter what their character/intentions/actions have been.

i suppose thats were our views are diffrent .. it takes two to make a child! and yes certainly any women who is in a vunerable situation for whatever reason should not be put in a situation where he or she of the child is put in a dangerous position ... i have many views on were the law is unfair for children but wont bore you with them all , but i do say a father should be named on the bc regardless of anything , but he should not automatically been entitled to parentol responseability if he or she has a history of anything that would possible put a child or mother or father in danger

 

[Rhio92]

Walk a mile in our shoes and see how you feel about it then.

 

[Laura2919]

Walk a mile in our shoes and see how you feel about it then.

I think you could say that about everyone though. Im not saying what you have gone through isnt hard but we all have tough times in our lives.. Just different things

Everyone would learn something walking a mile in anyones shoes..

 

[Rhio92]

Mmm you are right Laura

Dave, we're just going to have to agree to disagree on this way. I won't change my mindset, and you wont change yours x

 

[Newbieplusone]

Good father or not the CHOICE to have a baby with him was yours....and Daveww is right you wouldn't deny a Mother her right on the BC whether she is an alcoholic, drug addict OR physically/emotionally abusive to their partner, etc. Remember, the BC is also about hertiage and information for YOUR child also - unfortunately breaks up, bad relationships and bad words/deeds are exchanged. How you handle it for with your best intentions for your child(ren) is the most important thing...

 

[Statik]

No, sometimes you don't make a choice to become pregnant by someone. I was told by drs that I could NOT have any more children. My exdh and I tried to have one for years. We went through all sorts of fertility treatments, including IVF. It just wasn't going to happen with my medical conditions. A few years after our divorce, I finally decided to date a man. I didn't know he was a sociopath and a drunk. Everything was a lie with him. I was with him for over a year before I found out all the lies and bs. I was done with him and I left. Only after I left did I find out I was pregnant.
NO, he will not be on be on a stupid piece of paper that does nothing but give him parental rights. It does list your child's heritage on it. It just says a name and dob for fob. I don't need such a thing to tell my baby about her heritage. Besides, if he were to go on it, she wouldn't survive long enough for it to matter.My son said he didn't think the baby would be alive after spending the day with him or his family. Oh, and do not think my life isn't in danger for breaking up with him. These people are truly sick and scary people, and I have enough guilt to deal with by thinking I was actually conned into being with someone so sick in the head.
It is not about me! It is about my children! Should I really put him on the birth cert and put her life in danger, because he had sex with me? Should my other kids have to live without their mother because of this too? Who would take care of them? Their dad isn't in the picture. He pays child support, but has only seen them once in 8 years. His choice, not mine.
So, you really think his rights go above and beyond my children's rights? A drunken, self centered, abusive, using, lazy, coke addict is more important then 3 loving and great children? (BTW he refuses to work, uses other people to get him drugs and drink, lives with his ma, and is violent. Oh and he is in his freaking 40s!)

 

[Rhio92]

No, sometimes you don't make a choice to become pregnant by someone. I was told by drs that I could NOT have any more children. My exdh and I tried to have one for years. We went through all sorts of fertility treatments, including IVF. It just wasn't going to happen with my medical conditions. A few years after our divorce, I finally decided to date a man. I didn't know he was a sociopath and a drunk. Everything was a lie with him. I was with him for over a year before I found out all the lies and bs. I was done with him and I left. Only after I left did I find out I was pregnant.
NO, he will not be on be on a stupid piece of paper that does nothing but give him parental rights. It does list your child's heritage on it. It just says a name and dob for fob. I don't need such a thing to tell my baby about her heritage. Besides, if he were to go on it, she wouldn't survive long enough for it to matter.My son said he didn't think the baby would be alive after spending the day with him or his family. Oh, and do not think my life isn't in danger for breaking up with him. These people are truly sick and scary people, and I have enough guilt to deal with by thinking I was actually conned into being with someone so sick in the head.
It is not about me! It is about my children! Should I really put him on the birth cert and put her life in danger, because he had sex with me? Should my other kids have to live without their mother because of this too? Who would take care of them? Their dad isn't in the picture. He pays child support, but has only seen them once in 8 years. His choice, not mine.
So, you really think his rights go above and beyond my children's rights? A drunken, self centered, abusive, using, lazy, coke addict is more important then 3 loving and great children? (BTW he refuses to work, uses other people to get him drugs and drink, lives with his ma, and is violent. Oh and he is in his freaking 40s!)

Well said! xxx

 

[Janidog]

No, sometimes you don't make a choice to become pregnant by someone. I was told by drs that I could NOT have any more children. My exdh and I tried to have one for years. We went through all sorts of fertility treatments, including IVF. It just wasn't going to happen with my medical conditions. A few years after our divorce, I finally decided to date a man. I didn't know he was a sociopath and a drunk. Everything was a lie with him. I was with him for over a year before I found out all the lies and bs. I was done with him and I left. Only after I left did I find out I was pregnant.
NO, he will not be on be on a stupid piece of paper that does nothing but give him parental rights. It does list your child's heritage on it. It just says a name and dob for fob. I don't need such a thing to tell my baby about her heritage. Besides, if he were to go on it, she wouldn't survive long enough for it to matter.My son said he didn't think the baby would be alive after spending the day with him or his family. Oh, and do not think my life isn't in danger for breaking up with him. These people are truly sick and scary people, and I have enough guilt to deal with by thinking I was actually conned into being with someone so sick in the head.
It is not about me! It is about my children! Should I really put him on the birth cert and put her life in danger, because he had sex with me? Should my other kids have to live without their mother because of this too? Who would take care of them? Their dad isn't in the picture. He pays child support, but has only seen them once in 8 years. His choice, not mine.
So, you really think his rights go above and beyond my children's rights? A drunken, self centered, abusive, using, lazy, coke addict is more important then 3 loving and great children? (BTW he refuses to work, uses other people to get him drugs and drink, lives with his ma, and is violent. Oh and he is in his freaking 40s!)

But not all dads are like this................ many dads would love to see and spend time with their children but unfortunately the mothers have put a stop to them seeing their children, they're certainly haven't got their childrens best interest at heart.

1) A male friend had a one night stand, found out the girl is pregnant, but because the man didn't want a relationship with the mother, she banned him from seeing his son - a few years down the line and countless court cases he now thankfully has full custody and mother ended up in jail for perjury.

2) Another male friend dated a woman for a good 6months, shes says no need to take the pill as i can't get pregnant. He stupidly agreed that they can stop using protection, hey presto she feel pregnant, dumps him and says she only used him as a sperm donor so he is still fighting to see his child.

3) Yet another male friend got married had 2 children, wife decide to leave him for another man, they divorce but as soon as friend gets in to another relationship, ex wife stops him from seeing his children, now 5 years on his 15 year son realises mother made up lots of lies and now lives with his father

And these men are all very good fathers - there are as many shit mothers as there are shit fathers.

Also Daveww has come on here for advice not a lecture and this is a 'Single Parent' section and not a 'Single Mothers' section so give the guy a break