Almost 44 final ttc journey -- buddies needed : )

[CaliDreaming]

You have so many things to ponder now. I hope in this time you can figure out the path that brings you the most peace.

I know the IVF with pgd is expensive, but on the other hand it's something you have not tried before and if it works, that would be money well spent, esp if it keeps you from having to endure another miscarriage. Even if it doesn't work, the peace of mind of knowing that you tried everything might be worth it.

Also, I think it's way to soon to start thinking about a life with no children in it. You have been able to get pregnant five times and with strong starts. I am an older woman with the opposite problem than you have so I guess it is easier for me to find hope in your situation. Your case seems to be a lot different than the typical older woman with "old eggs" who struggle to get the bfp only to have chemicals.

When you are no longer having periods or able to get pregnant then maybe then it would be time to start thinking about moving on but now is too soon. It's just so cruel that for you each bfp comes with the specter of miscarriage with it.

 

[Sophie2015]

Cali- you are so right on so many points. I am very blessed I still conceive and (so far) over respond to the drugs. It is too early to quit. And we've done double digit IUIs. Three of them resulted in pregnancies. Both of my injectible IUIs were pregnancies and RE feels my CP from the first Follistim cycle is because they panicked at my over response and triggered me with a lead follicle of 15. Sigh. I guess it's time to move on to ivf with pgd. I just wish the process didn't take so long. I feel like it will consume my entire 44th year of life (and fertility). I feel like I don't have time to only have 1 chance at a pregnancy per year.
I'm so tired of this. I'd give anything for the luxury of taking a break.

 

[AngelUK]

Big hugs Sophie! I can understand how you must feel but as Cali said, if you don't try you might always wonder and regret. I am already so so blessed with my twins but I too regret not having tried IVF before I turned 45 to maybe have another (now, at 46, my clinic would not help me any more unless with DE) - even though we didn't have the money anyway. But that wish for a baby is so rooted in some women like me and I suspect you, that we will always wonder "what if".
Stay strong my dear, you still have every chance!

 

[Sophie2015]

Thank you Angel. You ladies pick me up when I'm ready to quit. And I feel like if I do I'll regret it and always wonder.

 

[CaliDreaming]

Picked up my kids yesterday and one of the teachers asked me if I was pregnant. She told me that my 5 year old has been telling everyone that I'm pregnant. :/ The teacher apologized and explained that she thought it was true since Lily actually used the word "pregnant". Not good timing since I have gained a good 10 pounds this summer so now I feel like crap!

I asked Lily about it and she said "I had a dream you were pregnant and I really want a sister." I really want her dream to come true, but that whole episode was awkward on so many levels!

Anyhoo, got my new Clearblue fertility monitor and it is a vast improvement over the older model. Can't believe it is almost time for us to TTC in a couple of months!

 

[Jenny Bean]

Hi ladies. I didn't just want to disappear. Had my 8+2 ultrasound today and there was no HB. Baby stopped growing in the last 2-3 days. My RE isn't ready to quit but after 5 losses we just aren't sure. I wish you all the best. Thank you for letting me join your group and for supporting me.

So sorry Sophie, I just saw this now.
Don't give up hope, I have read the other posts from the girls on here and I agree with all of them!

I hope you get your Rainbow soon xo.

 

[AngelUK]

oh Cali how tactless of her! But in all fairness, my twin belly never really went away either and Id not blame ppl if they thought I was pregnant, especially after a meal But I am FX that soon your little girl's dream will come true!

I am having a super weird cycle again. I am on CD 24 and suddenly, the day before last got a peak fertility smiley after empty circles up to then. Then yesterday empty circle again and then today High Fertility blinking smiley. Very confusing, especially after my 23 day long last cycle, I am wondering if my luteal phase has completely changed or if I am actually not ovulating at all or what. Ah well, as my OH says, we can but try.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

 

[CaliDreaming]

oh Cali how tactless of her! But in all fairness, my twin belly never really went away either and Id not blame ppl if they thought I was pregnant, especially after a meal But I am FX that soon your little girl's dream will come true!

I am having a super weird cycle again. I am on CD 24 and suddenly, the day before last got a peak fertility smiley after empty circles up to then. Then yesterday empty circle again and then today High Fertility blinking smiley. Very confusing, especially after my 23 day long last cycle, I am wondering if my luteal phase has completely changed or if I am actually not ovulating at all or what. Ah well, as my OH says, we can but try.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Angel, yeah I can't blame the teacher for thinking it was true. It has gotten me more serious about getting back on track with my diet and exercise so I guess it was good in a way.

Hmmm, your cycle is doing really weird things. So did you think you had ovulated already?? I'm wondering if you could be preggo since you're getting highs and peaks so late in your cycle.

 

[AngelUK]

I don't think I am preggo as I had my AF and we haven't dtd. I wish I were!

As for weight loss, I guess this is one of the prices we older mums pay, I lost all the baby weight but my belly will never recover like it would on someone younger. Mind you, a twin belly is somewhat on the larger side any way and there is more to recover from

 

[CaliDreaming]

Oh well, maybe your body is trying to ovulate? Now I'm really puzzled!

My bikini days are behind me for sure. Even when I'm in shape I have a permanent pooch that doesn't go away unless I suck it in. When I'm bloated it looks just like a pregnant belly. I guess since I'm older I don't care as much about the pooch as I would have when I was younger. A small price to pay for the joys of motherhood!

 

[AngelUK]

Weird cycle again for me. I just started AF yesterday on day 33 but got high fertility smileys in the days leading up to it. I did have that freak peak fertility smiley earlier in the cycle but IF my luteal phase is 14 days still, then even that was still way too late in the cycle. I guess I just don't ovulate any more or I don't know why the tests don't pick it up But I also don't know what they were picking up now, just before AF

How is every one else getting on? Sophie how are you feeling?

 

[CaliDreaming]

Weird cycle again for me. I just started AF yesterday on day 33 but got high fertility smileys in the days leading up to it. I did have that freak peak fertility smiley earlier in the cycle but IF my luteal phase is 14 days still, then even that was still way too late in the cycle. I guess I just don't ovulate any more or I don't know why the tests don't pick it up But I also don't know what they were picking up now, just before AF

How is every one else getting on? Sophie how are you feeling?

Ugh. That is weird. It's so frustrating not knowing what's going on with our bodies!

Sophie, hope you're staying strong and gearing up for IVF!

 

[Sophie2015]

Hi ladies. Sorry I haven't answered. Feeling overwhelmed. After my D&C in August I hemorrhaged. A week later I tried to hemorrhage again. Five days after that I threw a clot and ended up in the hospital for 4 days with a pulmonary embolism. Currently on Lovenox twice a day. My hematologist wants me to wait 3 months before starting ivf because I'll need the therapeutic dose of Lovenox for at least 3 months to treat this current clot. I'm also at greatest risk for another clot for the next 3 months. Hematologist thinks it's my PAI-1 in combination with the high E2 from the Follistim and pregnancy that caused this. Which means I'm at high risk to do this again during ivf, even more so actually because ivf raises E2 more than a Follistim/IUI cycle does. However my RE is concerned, because my Lovenox dose is double the normal dose given during ivf, that I'll bleed during egg retrieval so he wants me to come off my Lovenox completely for about a week surrounding ER. My hematologist has agreed to help me but has warned me the ER process could be deadly to me because coming off my Lovenox while my E2 is at its highest especially while I'm still recovering from a fresh clot sets me up for more clots. But my ivf can't wait. I just turned 44 plus my RE's office stops new ivfs in early December because of the holidays. So if I wait it'll be February or March before we can start.
Still waiting on my cycle to resume. Should be any day now. Moving forward with my ivf starting 2nd cycle which will be late October or early November. Praying I have some good eggs and the ER or overall process doesn't kill me. We've had to plan ahead for my death. Nice, right?! 😕 Also pregnancy is super high risk for me. My hematologist says that had I ever carried a pregnancy into 2nd or 3rd trimester I would have thrown a clot without Lovenox. What's frustrating is all my Drs have known about my PAI-1 since 2014 and all thought baby asa was all I needed. It took this PE to get a hematologist called in to say I've needed Lovenox all along.
This most recent loss was a boy with trisomy 15. My 3rd loss was T21. But my first 2 losses my OB has long thought it was a micro clot. My hematologist agrees. I was early 41 with those losses. So frustrating to think Lovenox might have been helping me for years. I'm sad, scared, frustrated, etc. Plus still dealing with all the symptoms of a fresh PE, short of breath, pain, swelling in my hands/feet, etc.
I swear sometimes I feel like the bad never ends. In 2.5 years we've lost 5 babies, my sweet cat, my husbands job, his grandmother, 2 best friends, I've hemorrhaged and then developed a PE. We are totally expecting the worst from this ivf. It's all that's ever happened to us.

 

[AngelUK]

Oh my dear that is horrendous, you poor thing! What an awful lot to have to deal with. So so many hugs to you, you are so brave!

 

[TTC74]

That's too much for a single person to deal with, Sophie! I hope you're feeling better from the PE.

 

[Lilchik]

Hi Sophie, I'm glad to hear from you but it was heartbreaking to read your post, all I can say is my heart goes out to you. It's totally devastating to go through everything you've gone through. It must be almost impossible to feel positive and hopeful after all the dr's talk but please do your best and remember that God is above all this and He has a plan for you. We'll be here to cheer you on.

 

[Sophie2015]

Thank you ladies. I've never met any of you yet your words comfort me more than most of my friends.
Honestly I'm afraid of ivf now. And pregnancy if I get that far. But I don't believe all this happened for me to quit. I have to keep trying. I at least have to know if I have any good eggs. Praying I do and I survive the process. Having said that, I WANT to quit. I'm just so tired mentally, emotionally, financially that I just want an extended break. But if I miss this last window I'm afraid I'll regret it later. So gotta be brave and strong and just take each step of this a day at a time. But I want my life and health back. I want my October beach trip that we desperately need but has now been cancelled. We are so tired of getting thru the losses and negativity. We've been married almost 3 years. And it's been an uphill battle all the way.

 

[AngelUK]

 

[CaliDreaming]

OMG Sophie how horrible!! You have certainly had more than your fair share of pain, sadness and heartache. It must be just that much worse knowing that it might have been avoided if your doctors had been more proactive on the clotting issue.

But just because things have gone so horribly wrong up to now does not mean that they will continue to go wrong forever. The good thing is that now you know you need the Lovenox for a healthy pregnancy and that one piece of information changes everything. It's truly a new day.

The ER process will be a scary one no doubt, but you and all your doctors know what is going on now and can monitor you very closely. With PGD, you'll know going in whether the embryos will be healthy or not. I am positive that you still have good eggs left. Just the fact that you've been able to get pregnant five times is enough to feel confident that you do have some good eggs left. Your AFC has been awesome too even in your mid 40s. With the right egg and the Lovenox, you should feel very confident of your chances of having a healthy pregnancy.

And I totally agree with you that all of the struggles that you've been through can't have been for nothing. I don't know why some women have to move heaven and earth to get a child. Maybe the baby you have will be a super special person who will go on and do great things and God wanted to be sure s/he had the best mom possible.

We are all rooting for you! Stay strong hun.

 

[Sophie2015]

Cali- I have wondered if my initial losses were so I'd be diagnosed with my clotting disorder. And if my subsequent losses were because I needed to learn I wasn't being treated properly. Without the losses I'd have never known I needed baby asa or possibly regular asa for life and Lovenox or Heparin after surgeries etc. Hematologist feels my clotting issue would have eventually killed me and no one would have known WHY I threw a clot at a young age and relatively healthy weight and lifestyle. I'd have just had a massive heart attack or stroke and been gone. My fear is that this is the reason for all my struggles and I was never meant to have a baby. But my hope is that I was meant to have a baby plus live long enough to watch him/her grow up. I guess we'll know more in December. If my cycle starts soon and I think it will, we should know by December if any of my eggs were good.