Am I just being silly?

[teeniestep]

Things seem to be on the up
I stayed at OH's last night, we went on a walk and just basically spoke about everything and how much we ment to each other.
He can be a complete and utter horrible idiot at times and he admits that, but now he just walks away and last night told me from now on if he gets angry or annoyed he's just going to say 'Leave me for 15 minutes'.
He got annoyed because I wasn't coming to his after work tonight but just said 'I'm not arguing with you' and put the phone down
We've helped each other through a lot of things and he really helped me today, i'm not sure if to tell you girlies what about because it might be abit tmi but lets just say something that happened at 14 is still effecting my sex life right now. (I lost my virginity at 14 to a horrible persuasive 18 year old who took advantage , the more me and OH talk about it the more i start to think it was not right!)
Thankyou for all the lovely advice ladies, my OH now knows his place trust me. He even said 'From now on your wearing the pants in this relationship',

 

[Lilly12]

well i hope for you he really means it..
as i said before, aint nobody going to stand up for you, but YOU!
Good luck.

 

[Cornbread]

well i hope for you he really means it..
as i said before, aint nobody going to stand up for you, but YOU!
Good luck.

Yup. Did he admit he's wrong and apologize for how he's treating you? Did you bring up counseling and anger management? Those are a couple of things I think he/y'all might benefit from.

 

[aliss]

Listen to actions, not words.

 

[sleepinbeauty]

Listen to actions, not words.

Yes. Please do. For your health, be it mental or otherwise.

 

[Lullaby2009]

Glad you both talked it out, however from past experience I know how easy it is to talk things out on a regular basis and still get nowhere. It's good that he's willing to try, but if he goes back to treating you bad, then do what is best for YOU and leave him. A guy that gives up on treating a girl with respect, has no place being with her at all!

 

[tasha41]

Hun it doesn't matter if he can admit he's an asshole sometimes... the fact that he is an ass and knows it and continues to be an asshole to you says enough.

I had a boyfriend EXACTLY like that when I was 15-18... I stayed with him for 2 long, miserable years (for the most part-- of course we had some good times that made me forget about the bad but the bad kept reoccuring you know??).. we always talked about stuff and "worked through things" and he was always going to treat me better and I was going to get more say in stuff but it never happened!

I still say give back the ring and move on with your life. Even if you don't break up... I REALLY think you guys should reconsider your engagement until things are going a bit more smoothly. You guys are young and have been together for only 6 months and are engaged-- you are just getting to know each other still really. And you're WTT also? At 18 you shouldn't have to put up with this stuff yet, not that anyone should at any age. Go live your life and do 18 year old things and have 18 year old problems!!

 

[Lianne1986]

i agree , i have been in similar situation and b4 long he will have brainwashed u!! ive seen it happen to other girls...
u will be left heartbroken,
Lianne x

 

[Miss_d]

Good luck and i think u will need it, words are great we can all be great with words but actions speak louder than words!!!

 

[teeniestep]

well i hope for you he really means it..
as i said before, aint nobody going to stand up for you, but YOU!
Good luck.

Yup. Did he admit he's wrong and apologize for how he's treating you? Did you bring up counseling and anger management? Those are a couple of things I think he/y'all might benefit from.

He's tried counselling and anger management, all i can say is the system failed him (social services). . To be honest i wouldn't want him to go to counselling, i've tried it and soon said i wasn't going back again...

 

[teeniestep]

I've made him sound like a horrible twat aint i
He's got his anger problems and sometimes he takes it out on the wrong person. Using words not violence!
I can honestly say i love him, when things are good they are perfect, when things are bad they are bad but that lasts less than a couple of days.
I've been there since he split up with the pregnant ex (we were best mates) & from when he was really depressed and just wasn't himself.
Ladies he's much better than he use to be, (he use to literally not care about how he looked, what anyone thought about him, he was 'scatty') i love him and he loves me i can't just walk out, words are easier said than actions. He's honestly getting his life back on track and i've been there for him.

 

[Cornbread]

well i hope for you he really means it..
as i said before, aint nobody going to stand up for you, but YOU!
Good luck.

Yup. Did he admit he's wrong and apologize for how he's treating you? Did you bring up counseling and anger management? Those are a couple of things I think he/y'all might benefit from.

He's tried counselling and anger management, all i can say is the system failed him (social services). . To be honest i wouldn't want him to go to counselling, i've tried it and soon said i wasn't going back again...

But did he admit he was wrong and apologize for how he's been treating you? What I'm getting at is, does he truly realize his mistakes and that he can not treat you how he has been? If he doesn't and it continues then all the apologies and promises in the world don't mean a thing. I know you have been there for a lot for him but that's all the more reason why he needs to appreciate you and treat you like a princess, not abuse you emotionally. I don't care how many good times you've had or how perfect things are when they are good, the fact that he repeatedly treats you like crap (even if he apologizes) means something is wrong. I've been emotionally abused (as well as physically) by my brother and it took me YEARS before I did anything to put a stop to it. He was my BROTHER, I couldn't just get him in trouble. Eventually however, it got to the point where I realized that no matter who he was or how much I loved him it was totally unacceptable for him to treat me how he was (and it was mostly emotional/verbal abuse) and that I was the only one who could do anything about it. We can all give you all the advice in the world but YOU have to be the one to start believing you deserve better than what you've been getting.

For your sake I hope he changes but I do think you need to start being proactive and standing up for yourself and letting him know you're not going to put up with being treated poorly. Is supporting someone you love important? Yes. Is taking care of yourself and ensuring your own safety and well-being (emotionally too, not just physically) equally if not more important? Yes.

 

[aliss]

You can't change or save a man. I hope you see this for what it is - one day.

 

[Princess_LV]

I stand by my previous post - and if it was me, I would have been out the door a LONG time ago. If I'd even got into the relationship in the first place. I hope you do what you think is right for you, because only you can really know what that is. Hopefully seeing what other people would do has helped you to establish this. Good luck x

 

[Lilly12]

You can't change or save a man. I hope you see this for what it is - one day.

I agree with this..
Like my ex boyfriend was an ass and he made me think I was the one messed up and he blamed everything on me etc etc.
He always said he was going to change but never did.
So at one point I finally realized this and I was out the door the same day.

Now with my husband, he used to drink alot etc and he slowed down ALOT ever since we got married, but this is just a part of growing up I think, he changed that part about himself..cause he wanted to and he knew I hated him drinking.
But that is different, because thats all about him...

If a guy treats you, even slightly, bad..if it EVER crosses your mind that there might be a better guy for you out there..then the guy you're with right now isn't the one for you..
Seriously..!!

a guy is not going to change the way he treats a woman, he might bend his ways a little, and compromise on things, but he wont change the way he treats you..he has no respect for you, obviously.

 

[DragonMummy]

The system hasn't failed him. Plenty of people have bad experiences and bad childhoods and bad backgrounds and end up ok. At the end of it all, a real man takes responsibility for his own actions and makes changes and decisions to make things better. From where I am he is sitting back and blaming any bugger that will stand still long enough for his shortcomings. I know as I have been out with exactly his type as have many other women on here it seems. The thing is it is quite clear you are under his spell as you are now trying to make him out as Mr Wonderful when it is very apparent he is not.

I was with a guy like him for a year and the more he pushed me away the more I wanted him - thats human nature. Eventually he left me for another girl. Then I met my husband and I honestly don't have a clue what I was thinking staying so long with him. My husband treats me like his best friend. He rarely shouts, he treats me like a princess. He has utmost respect for me and we are equals. None of this one wearing the trousers - thats bullshit. It's a partnership. And it doesn't sound like he is bringing anything to the table apart from a really bad attitude and a lot of baggage.

Seriously hun, there's better options out there. I don't believe a word of what he has said to you. However it really is up to you to make the decision yourself and I hope one day soon you see him for what he really is. A bully and a coward.

 

[Armywife]

The system hasn't failed him. Plenty of people have bad experiences and bad childhoods and bad backgrounds and end up ok. At the end of it all, a real man takes responsibility for his own actions and makes changes and decisions to make things better. From where I am he is sitting back and blaming any bugger that will stand still long enough for his shortcomings. I know as I have been out with exactly his type as have many other women on here it seems. The thing is it is quite clear you are under his spell as you are now trying to make him out as Mr Wonderful when it is very apparent he is not.

I was with a guy like him for a year and the more he pushed me away the more I wanted him - thats human nature. Eventually he left me for another girl. Then I met my husband and I honestly don't have a clue what I was thinking staying so long with him. My husband treats me like his best friend. He rarely shouts, he treats me like a princess. He has utmost respect for me and we are equals. None of this one wearing the trousers - thats bullshit. It's a partnership. And it doesn't sound like he is bringing anything to the table apart from a really bad attitude and a lot of baggage.

Seriously hun, there's better options out there. I don't believe a word of what he has said to you. However it really is up to you to make the decision yourself and I hope one day soon you see him for what he really is. A bully and a coward.

I could not have said it better myself.

I know it is so so hard to see from the inside of a relationship like this (most of us have been there) and i also realise that no amount of advice will sway your decision but i hope you keep what has been said in mind and hopefully find the strength to find someone who truly deserves you. You will realise one day that no one is trying to get at you, this boy is simply not good enough for you xxxxx

 

[teeniestep]

The system has failed him and i'm not going to much into detail but he has seen some harrowing things, he was sent to one kids home to another and was seperated from the person who ment the most to him, his identical twin brother! He's broke down to me about it but i am really not getting into that right now.
I am not 'under his spell', me and him get into arguments at times like all couples do! We haven't argued for a good couple of days and i haven't laughed or been as happy as much as i have done for the last couple of days.
We have been there threw thick and thin and have been there through alot of situations together!
He's also helped me with the thought of having to meet the man i lost my virginity to when i was 14 on sunday at a gathering which was a big thing!
It's easy to say that he's no good for me, and its easy for people to think that, but i don't give up on love that easy!

 

[aliss]

Teenie, all of us here who have been treated like this by a man know that you aren't going to listen to us and think that we just don't understand. We've all said the same things that you've said - it is incredibly common for women like you, who are being treated like garbage (and he DOES treat you like garbage - what good man would do and say these things to his fiance??), to say these things in defense. We've all said the same lines. It's like an alcoholic defending the drink or an abuser blaming the victim - the lines are always the same.

What we do know, is that usually (and hopefully), girls in your position finally see the light - it usually happens when he leaves you for another woman. You've been with him 6 months and he's already cheated on you, plus another girl is pregnant. I suspect you won't be dealing with him for too much longer, it is only a matter of time. Good luck and I hope one day you realize that it is not ok for a person to treat you like this. You are worthy of respect.

 

[Cornbread]

The system has failed him and i'm not going to much into detail but he has seen some harrowing things, he was sent to one kids home to another and was seperated from the person who ment the most to him, his identical twin brother! He's broke down to me about it but i am really not getting into that right now.
I am not 'under his spell', me and him get into arguments at times like all couples do! We haven't argued for a good couple of days and i haven't laughed or been as happy as much as i have done for the last couple of days.
We have been there threw thick and thin and have been there through alot of situations together!
He's also helped me with the thought of having to meet the man i lost my virginity to when i was 14 on sunday at a gathering which was a big thing!
It's easy to say that he's no good for me, and its easy for people to think that, but i don't give up on love that easy!

Plenty of people have seen harrowing things and been through what he has and worse, and yet still manage to not treat the people they claim to love like crap on a regular and consistent basis. My DH has been through and seen a LOT of crap, between life, his ex-wife (she's a LOON), and his deployments with the Army... but he takes responsibility for his mistakes and makes an effort to change when there's something wrong.

The system hasn't failed him. Plenty of people have bad experiences and bad childhoods and bad backgrounds and end up ok. At the end of it all, a real man takes responsibility for his own actions and makes changes and decisions to make things better. From where I am he is sitting back and blaming any bugger that will stand still long enough for his shortcomings. I know as I have been out with exactly his type as have many other women on here it seems. The thing is it is quite clear you are under his spell as you are now trying to make him out as Mr Wonderful when it is very apparent he is not.

I was with a guy like him for a year and the more he pushed me away the more I wanted him - thats human nature. Eventually he left me for another girl. Then I met my husband and I honestly don't have a clue what I was thinking staying so long with him. My husband treats me like his best friend. He rarely shouts, he treats me like a princess. He has utmost respect for me and we are equals. None of this one wearing the trousers - thats bullshit. It's a partnership. And it doesn't sound like he is bringing anything to the table apart from a really bad attitude and a lot of baggage.

Seriously hun, there's better options out there. I don't believe a word of what he has said to you. However it really is up to you to make the decision yourself and I hope one day soon you see him for what he really is. A bully and a coward.

I could not have said it better myself.

I know it is so so hard to see from the inside of a relationship like this (most of us have been there) and i also realise that no amount of advice will sway your decision but i hope you keep what has been said in mind and hopefully find the strength to find someone who truly deserves you. You will realise one day that no one is trying to get at you, this boy is simply not good enough for you xxxxx

Teenie, all of us here who have been treated like this by a man know that you aren't going to listen to us and think that we just don't understand. We've all said the same things that you've said - it is incredibly common for women like you, who are being treated like garbage (and he DOES treat you like garbage - what good man would do and say these things to his fiance??), to say these things in defense. We've all said the same lines. It's like an alcoholic defending the drink or an abuser blaming the victim - the lines are always the same.

What we do know, is that usually (and hopefully), girls in your position finally see the light - it usually happens when he leaves you for another woman. You've been with him 6 months and he's already cheated on you, plus another girl is pregnant. I suspect you won't be dealing with him for too much longer, it is only a matter of time. Good luck and I hope one day you realize that it is not ok for a person to treat you like this. You are worthy of respect.

ITA with all three of these posters. They said it so well.

OP, I wish you the best and hope that you will soon see the light, stop making excuses for him, stop putting up with his deplorable behavior, and find someone who will treat you right. If you don't leave him, I pray with all my might that he cleans his act up before he hurts you or gives you a disease or something and before you two get pregnant. Oh how I pray for that.