Anxiety, depression, BPD, bipolar, PTSD... mother to a one year old and pregnant.

[Sonnenshein_]

Oh that title, the many things hanging over my head right now... I feel this might be quite the read, so a cuppa to hand might be handy first! I hope it's not too long to put people off - I could really use advice right now and have failed to get any on a handful of other forums.

A bit of background; I'm a 19 year old wife and mother to a one year old and 6 months pregnant with our second, a boy. I have severe anxiety and depression diagnosed and am awaiting an appt. with my consultant psychiatrist on the 29th of this month as they're querying bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder and PTSD. Quite the cocktail. I've had a few visits from the crisis team in the past couple of weeks, so needless to say, I'm having a tough time. I was also diagnosed with postnatal depression when DD was 3 months old, but we're unsure as to how much of an affect this still has on me as similar symptoms can be seen in all of the above mentioned and treatment for PND has failed to have any affect so they think it's not to do with that anymore and is something more serious.

So to explain why I'm here. I am absolutely and completely hopeless at being on my own. The tiniest sound will terrify me and have me in severe paranoia within seconds and for the duration of time that I'm on my own. I mean, when we first moved into our new house 5 weeks ago and my husband was out at work on his very first day, I heard a knock at the door and this literally sent me into such a fit of paranoia and I was in tears with fear. Don't ask me why I find that to be so traumatic, I really couldn't tell you. Obviously past experiences are to blame but, I really can't understand why something so tiny and simple is so scary. My anxiety means that I can't leave the house alone, take or make phone calls, answer the door, etc. DH usually works around 35 hours a week (he's a chef at a pub around the corner), and we recently had to make arrangements with his boss to get more suitable hours to make me more comfortable. Unfortunately that hasn't worked at all, and he is now having to take time off work for a couple of weeks because I simply can not cope on my own. When he's working I'm also of course the sole carer of our daughter and this is another problem I am facing. I don't believe any of the following to be down to postnatal depression as I don't struggle as such with her, but I am constantly on edge when looking after her on my own. I struggle enough to look after myself with the constant paranoia and fear. I wont be very good at explaining the next part, there's a few people probably slightly frustrated with this at the moment but, do bare with me. When she cries, I just can not cope with it. It's not that it makes me angry at her or anything of the kind, but it makes me feel very, very stressed. More so than it does or should with the average parent. This is down to loud noises scaring me, and when I get scared I get angry and stressed and my mind just wants to shut down. It makes me feel absolutely terrified for some reason - I really, really can not put my finger on why, but I'm guessing that it's definitely down to the whole loud noises thing. Then, that triggers guilt, and guilt triggers a 'bad spell' as we call it, where I'll be down and depressed for days and will sometimes revert to a 'scratching' thing that I do as a way of taking my mind away from the current problem, a way to calm down so speak. I wouldn't call this self harm, but some would, I suppose that's just a matter of opinion. I've tried to explain my feelings and inability to be able to look after DD alone but I just can't explain it properly, because I don't even understand it myself. I mean there is definitely no question what so ever over her safety with me, I love her with all of my heart and she's the reason I'm managing to keep a grip on reality and the reason I'm seeking professional help and support. She gets cared for as she should, but I struggle so much and it's so, so hard that when DH is working, I'm in a 'bad spell' and my mood can't be lifted. At the moment though, with him home, it's much easier as I feel calm and safe with him around that I am able to have a 'good spell' for a decent length of time, but with his return to work impending, I'm slowly on my way into a 'bad spell' - especially with the handful that DD is being for us these past few days. Inconsolable is an understatement! the joys of parenting...

Anyway, before the agreement to him taking time off work for me to be able to get a grip on reality and get some advice and help, I was telling him that there was no possible way that I could do this anymore (being the sole carer of DD and trying so desperately to get better - I am like a zombie right now, except instead of being numb I am only ever weepy and down and feeling absolutely helpless) - but he wasn't happy about this and we almost parted ways as we both wanted to do/try different things and, unfortunately for anyone not suffering this illness just not being able to understand properly, but I just couldn't do it. My argument is that I need to get better, and I need to get focused and find myself again. I can not do all of these things at once. I fear that if things get any worse I may completely lose myself and I don't know what actions I could take toward myself in the future if things become worse, as I've already been very close to silly actions but have managed to keep a grip on reality enough to not go ahead with anything. DH's argument is that he doesn't want to rely solely on benefits and, that I can certainly understand, but surely my health is more important than some peoples opinions on us because we're on benefits. If I don't get better things would be so much worse for our family, but if I get better we can get back to normal and we can all have the real me back again.

I'm sure this is all sounding rather confusing to anyone that doesn't have the full story which - none of you do - but feel free to ask! I really don't mind. I suppose what I'm after here is some advice on what other people would do. I'm at breaking point and, what I want to do is ask DH to come out of work. He is currently signed off due to the stresses of home life and my illness but this is only for another week and unfortunately I can't get a miracle recovery in such a short amount of time. Plus, with being 6 months pregnant, I have to think about how all of these feelings and the stress is affecting our unborn son. I want to be a good mother, and I want to be a good wife, but I also want to get better - and with getting better means becoming a better mother and a better wife, because if I didn't seek this help, I would only get worse as my father did and that would be selfish. So, I'm not trying to be selfish and make everyone run around and go out of their way for me. I'm just trying to get better, not just for myself but for my family. Should I tell him that I need him to come out of work? I am clueless as to what I'll do to cope when he goes back, and I really feel like I'm not in the right state of mind to be taking care of a one year old on my own, seeing as I can barely take care of myself at the moment. It will only make it worse, but asking him this could also make things worse because I know for certain he wont be happy about it and I'm sure there may be a few day lasting argument awaiting if we do have this dreaded conversation.

It's safe to say I'm feeling very lost, and any advice whatsoever will be gratefully appreciated and fully taken on board.

 

[LDC]

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, I don't have any personal experiences of what you're going through, but I do work with people with dual diagnosis.

First off, I really blooming hate it when medics say well we think you might have xyz before they've ran tests because that can cause greater anxiety than what you've already got. There's no point telling someone they might have a broken leg, when actually they've got a sprained ankle (but that's my opinion!)

You sound like you acknowledge "rough" areas for you, like your bad spells, depression and stress which is the first step to anything and you should be proud that you're accepting help to make things better for your family who you clearly cherish very much.

I think it would be useful to get some counselling, if you haven't already? I know there are kinda two methods to working through some of the issues you've mentions; medication and/or counselling. I really recommend cognitive behavioural therapy (change your thinking change your behaviour essentially), its non evasive and looks at so many different areas of your life to look at causes, effects, how to overcome these and barriers that you might face. It's nothing 'too much' if you like, and can be really really good at working through issues. Sometimes it seems that there's so much going on that we never know where to start and this can be a great way of just taking things a step at a time. Of course it's not like a light switch; you go and then everything is wonderful (the same as anything really) but it can be something that starts a process.

I think the husband situation is a little difficult to be honest. It might be that he sees work as a bit of an escape (I'm not meaning that to sound horrible) or that he might be worried that if he leaves work, that he might struggle to get back into work. Also men, generally, like to feel like they're providing for their family so it might be that rather than seeing benefits as a negative thing by others, he might be thinking that he should be out there working to feed his family and its like his role has been taken away? Again not meaning to sound horrible, just busting through possible emotions on his part.

Do you have any family or trusted friends that could watch Olivia for you during the day for a while so that you can seek the help you need and the not necessarily worry about her care whilst you focus on recovery?

I don't think you're being selfish AT ALL, you're doing what is best for your family and relationship. You just need a bit of extra support, as I'm sure we all would given your situation. I, personally, would attend your appointments and find out what the plan of action is on the 29th and start trying to find someone to care for Olivia during the week (however many hours you feel comfortable with) so for now you can have some alone time to relax before your appointment, and then when you see the professionals you can concentrate on that without having to go home and feel stressed and you'll have time to sit and think through what's happened at your appointment and what the next step is.

If there are people around to help look after Olivia for a while, I'd try and leave your partner at workouts so you have some time to focus. I know he makes you feel more relaxed but are there more arguments because he's off work and he wants to be there? I might be well off the mark there, which is just why I'm asking.

Sending lots of hugs. Sorry that was really long!!

X

 

[JoolsH]

not got any advice but sending you hugs. It is so good that you acknowledge your situation and difficulties and want help changing them. My only experience of mental health issues is my own with anxiety and depression but not on the scale that you're suffering. Have you any childrens centres/ surestart where you are that could perhaps help you access support with your children? Also there is an organization called Homestart (i Think) where trained parent volunteers are linked up with you to give support to families. hope you manage to get the help and treatment that you need soon x

 

[fl00b]

I'm Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder and I have Anxiety. Message me if you want to talk, you're not alone. I'm in near enough the same position as you. 19, OH works full time so I have a 1 year old to look after by myself and I've just recently moved house. I'm struggling to cope too. x

 

[Torsornin]

I am sorry you are experiencing this. Anxiety can be crippling. Been there done that got the t-shirt.

Anyway you recognize what is happening, and it sounds like you recognize what you need. Soon you will have the help you need. If it gets super bad you could check yourself into the local hospital, this isnt unheard of and might get you help sooner if you experiencing a crisis.

I understand self harm, and how it makes you feel, and why you - I should say we do it. I do to, by picking zits until they bleed, then I dont let them heal and then I scar. I have many many scars on my torso and upper arms from this. Self harming isnt something you just "stop it" it doesnt work that way. But therapy, meds and possibly some alternative treatments such as hypnosis, EFT might really help you. All of these really helped me with my anxiety and my PTSD. TBH I think the hypnosis helped the most.

I hope you get some help soon and feel better quickly. I understand how isolating and trapping these things can feel and be. *hugs*

 

[aidensxmomma]

Im on my phone so I didnt read through all of the replies so I apologize if Im repeating everyone else. First off I am sending you huge hugs. I can relate to what youre going through and I know how hard it is. I am 22 and have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar II, borderline personality disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder, dependant personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder and ADHD. So qvite the list. I started seeing the doctor about these problems when I was 12 or 13. I can understand a lot of what youre saying about struggling. I am still trying to overcome all of it. But the first thing that helped me was finding a good doctor who I trusted and who took me seriously. Thats will put you on the right track right away and you can take baby steps from there. I dont think its unfair of you to ask your OH to stay home while youre getting better. In the long run its the best thing both of you can do for your family. Are there any alternatives though, like having a friend or family member stay with you? That might be a good idea too. Im sorry this is so long and probably not too helpful. But feel free to message me if you ever need to chat or have any questions. Big hugs.