Any other Mums out there with high needs babies?

[BUGaBOO]

Thank you so much for the replies, it really is isolating having a high needs baby, even more frustrating I try to go with a gentler style of parenting - I pick her up and cuddle her every time she needs me and always have - my mum let me CIO when I was younger and believes baby's manipulate so she has always maintained I'm spoiling her and I don't like the idea of her saying 'I told you so!' when Isla is being the way she is.

I really was continually checking the clock waiting for my husband to get home yesterday - he was gone from 10am till 11pm and I couldn't hand her over quick enough.
We do roughly do the sleep shift just now - I BF her through the night and he lets me have a few hours sleep in the morning while he takes her downstairs. It still doesn't feel enough though, I'm so horribly exhausted.
When mum gets back from Scotland I'm going to see if she will take her overnight once a week or even just a whole morning or evening -
something to give us a much needed break and some time to ourselves.

I've been told by lots of people that 3 months is the magic number for her settling down but it looks like from the replies here that's not the case.

Surely there must be more mums of these babies on here?
It really is good to know I'm not alone and it's not my fault........

Aliss/Noelle - what other coping strategies did you use? Do you think our traumatic labours have anything to do with their temperament?

 

[veganmama]

i have a high needs baby!!!!! i thought i wasnt going to make it today as today was a BAD day for us. please pm me if you want to talk but yeah basically my 1 year old has been high needs since birth, still is and is not getting better, but actually WORSE. WAY WORSE. and it doesnt help that hes not walking yet and has been reaching all his milestones late.

wakes up a billion times at night, fusses all day long, wants to be held all day long(i actually held him for all his day naps until he was 9 months old) which means he cant handle being on the floor for more then 5-10 minutes by himself, feeds all day AND night long, barley any smiles or laughter. i feel bad for him, really, and well me, i'm just exausted.

i hope it gets better because i feel like im missing out on bonding with him. its so hard bonding when your baby is generally unhappy 90% of the day, iykwim




EDIT: wow i also had a traumatic labour!!!!!

phew, needed to get that off my chest, since usually i dont complain about my baby but i feel like i deserve a medal surviving(well, barley surviving) a high needs baby (and i feel like hes the king of high needs) all by myself (i'm single but married, iykwim)

 

[socitycourty]

Same story here, traumatic labor/EMCS....poorly mom and baby....NICU stay.

She has gotten some better but is still very clingy and from all the months of me holding her all the time she can't be set down now.

I stopped BF at 2 months because we couldn't figure out what in my diet was causing her problems.

I've suffered from PPD and anxiety since she was 4 months old.



Aliss has some great advice. She always comes and helps me on my posts

 

[socitycourty]

i have a high needs baby!!!!! i thought i wasnt going to make it today as today was a BAD day for us. please pm me if you want to talk but yeah basically my 1 year old has been high needs since birth, still is and is not getting better, but actually WORSE. WAY WORSE. and it doesnt help that hes not walking yet and has been reaching all his milestones late.

wakes up a billion times at night, fusses all day long, wants to be held all day long(i actually held him for all his day naps until he was 9 months old) which means he cant handle being on the floor for more then 5-10 minutes by himself, feeds all day AND night long, barley any smiles or laughter. i feel bad for him, really, and well me, i'm just exausted.

i hope it gets better because i feel like im missing out on bonding with him. its so hard bonding when your baby is generally unhappy 90% of the day, iykwim




EDIT: wow i also had a traumatic labour!!!!!

phew, needed to get that off my chest, since usually i dont complain about my baby but i feel like i deserve a medal surviving(well, barley surviving) a high needs baby (and i feel like hes the king of high needs) all by myself (i'm single but married, iykwim)

single but married here too. honestly don't know how I'm still standing sometimes as I get no sleep and rarely even eat. I feel like i"m dying some days!

 

[Emerald87]

The meds seemed to work for the first 2 weeks then it was almost like they wore off so I went back to the doctor who said they wouldn't up the dose and that there was nothing they could do and that 'baby's cry - that's what the do'
I insisted on getting a referral to a paed but upon further investigation they will only see you if there is a developmental problem!!

Is it really possible that she could be allergic to my breast milk? How devastating
And where would I get the probiotics to add to her milk? Chemist? I've never seen anything like that before and I'm constantly browsing the baby sections of every store

My husband is away to an all day music festival today - 14 hours and so far it's been a nightmare. She's cried and whinged most of the day. I put her in the sling and bounced/paced up and down for 30 mins till she fell asleep. Every time I stop or try and sit down she wakes up and starts crying, my feet and back are aching so bad, I just want to sit down and have been needing to pee for ages!!
I had to do a poo with her in the carrier earlier because she screamed hysterical every time I tried to put her down!!!! And I couldn't just let her scream for ages because I have a fissure and it takes me so long to do an incredibly painful poo

Your hubby went to Soundwave without you? Not cool.

You don't need any issue in particular to see a paeds here. You should get a referral to see Dr. Tony Prado or Dr. Richard Brown. They're both here in Brisbane. Just get your GP to refer for a general check up. If you have trouble with your GP go to Dr Seedat at Garden City family doctors.

 

[Emerald87]

silly double post

 

[BUGaBOO]

Thanks emerald / are you in Brisbane too? The reason we go to the doctors we do is my mum is the head nurse there, we have a great rapport with all the staff and its bulk billed which really helps as we are pretty broke right now - I don't know how we'd manage if we had to pay for all our appointments

Yeah he went to soundwave but I didnt fancy it much, he bought tickets when they first came out and had been looking forward to it for ages - a lot of his fav bands were playing so I couldn't really be mad.

Every meal time is shit- it seems the second the food is served up she will start screaming and one of us will have to hold her while our food goes cold. Every time! It's like she has a sensor that goes off when we Are about to eat.

Even now, I'm trying to type this with my left hand as I hold her.
I had a good cry earlier - I couldn't even pinpoint what I was crying over, just an accumulation of the last 3 months really. I'm just in self pitying mode at the moment 'why me? Why us?' which isn't really the right attitude to have if we're going to get through this, but it's hard to control emotions such as jealousy and anger towards other mums who have 'normal' babies that they can enjoy

I love her to bits, she's gorgeous and when she smiles its the best thing ever! I just wish there were more 'good' bits to balance out the hard times

 

[staralfur]

I skipped over this thread a few times before opening it because I think I'm finally at the point where I don't see my LO as being high needs.

I can relate to most of what's in your first post, minus the reflux which I am thankful for, I can imagine that just takes it to a whole new level and I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I laughed a little at the poo part...honestly, it just brought back memories of trying to pick up my nursing pillow with her ON it, carry it to the bathroom with my LO still latched on, and then take a dump, and the best part...trying to wash my hands while propping her up on the counter, still laying on the pillow, still latched on. It seems so ridiculous now, but that was preferable to putting her down and upsetting her.

She spent about the first four months nursing. She just ALWAYS wanted to be attached to me and even her dad couldn't hold her for more than 10 minutes without her crying and waning to nurse again. It was exhausting.

I think once she was able to sit on her own things started changing drastically. It got even better once she started to crawl, and now that she's cruising around on furniture she is more than happy to do her own thing.

We had a bad patch around 8 months, I was spending 2-3 hours getting her to sleep because she would wake up and cry as soon as I left the room. But recently she's started sleeping in her crib occasionally and has slept through the night a few times now. I really, honestly never believed we'd get to this point. She still refuses to nap anywhere other than on me, but I've just sort of accepted that as "one of those things" and with everything else being easier it doesn't seem like as much of a burden.

I had so many bad days in the beginning, I didn't enjoy being a mom at all and I just spent my days waiting for my OH to get home so he could take her, even it was just for ten minutes before she started crying again, those ten minutes were golden.

It will get better. It might be a month from now or a year from now but one day she'll start turning into her own little person and you'll start feeling like yourself again, too.

 

[Emerald87]

Thanks emerald / are you in Brisbane too? The reason we go to the doctors we do is my mum is the head nurse there, we have a great rapport with all the staff and its bulk billed which really helps as we are pretty broke right now - I don't know how we'd manage if we had to pay for all our appointments

Yeah he went to soundwave but I didnt fancy it much, he bought tickets when they first came out and had been looking forward to it for ages - a lot of his fav bands were playing so I couldn't really be mad.

Every meal time is shit- it seems the second the food is served up she will start screaming and one of us will have to hold her while our food goes cold. Every time! It's like she has a sensor that goes off when we Are about to eat.

Even now, I'm trying to type this with my left hand as I hold her.
I had a good cry earlier - I couldn't even pinpoint what I was crying over, just an accumulation of the last 3 months really. I'm just in self pitying mode at the moment 'why me? Why us?' which isn't really the right attitude to have if we're going to get through this, but it's hard to control emotions such as jealousy and anger towards other mums who have 'normal' babies that they can enjoy

I love her to bits, she's gorgeous and when she smiles its the best thing ever! I just wish there were more 'good' bits to balance out the hard times

Yup another Brissie Mum. We should catch up - I will hold LO while you eat/shower/have a nap LOL I'll be a SAHM until June.

We had a wedding to go to yesterday so we couldn't go to SW. We're flying to Melbourne next week though to go Taking a babysitter with us

Never feel bad about having/expressing emotions. I don't have a high needs bub but I totally get how you would feel jealously/anger/exasperation towards Mum's who have it a billion times easier than you.

We can take our bubs for a walk along the water here and down to the park together. I won't judge when she screams, of course, and stuff everyone else. It'll get you some time out.

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

Sorry this might be long - I've a lot to get off my chest!

My daughter Isla is 11 weeks old. The end of my pregnancy was very stressful (involved in laws coming up from interstate to be there for the birth which I didn't want) , my actual labour was very traumatic and the opposite of everything I wanted and envisioned (52 hours long, failed induction, 5 botched attempts at epidural, back to back baby, EMCS) I had a long, painful recovery from my c-section & my scar got infected plus I had latch issues from the beginning which resulted in my nipples becoming very sore and cracked making BF a nightmare.

Isla has been fussy and unhappy from the beginning, over time, it has progressively gotten worse and worse and here I am writing this post.

Isla will -

-refuse to be anywhere but in our arms. We have a bouncer, swing, cradle etc but she will not be put down in anything without screaming to be picked back up. She especially hates being flat on her back.
-doesn't just cry like a normal baby but has an incessant bloodcurdling scream that sends shivers up your spine and fills you with horror as you watch her turn purple and forget to breathe
-Hates the car capsule and will scream the minute she is put in it and continues to scream while you're driving which is extremely distressing, especially as i'm a new/nervous driver
-cries & fusses in the pram
-can't go to sleep without a serious amount of help. Only when she is swaddled tightly, put on your shoulder and paced up and down with her head bobbing while you pat her bum rapidly will she possibly fall asleep (and only if she is very very tired) the rest of the time she screams and protests. We've tried everything - setting her down in a dimly lit room, sitting with our hands on her, lying with her, rocking her etc. She is just a terrible sleeper and even after hours of trying to get her to sleep, she will wake up again in 10/15 mins and the whole cycle repeats. Finally, by the time we just about get her down, it's time to feed again

I've had several BF issues from the beginning including cracked and bleeding nipples and reoccuring thrush (we both have it right now)
The pain got so bad that I had to exclusively pump round the clock which just about broke me - honestly, I seriously thought I was heading for the loony bin! We've seen the lactation consultant several times and don't seem to get anywhere.
So after feeding her several bottles of expressed breast milk, she developed a preference for the bottle and when I try and put her back on the breast, she only opens her mouth a tiny bit and sucks on the (already damaged) nipple which is extremely painful, not to mention she won't be getting enough milk.

Despite my best efforts with constantly pumping, I had to go and buy a tub of formula because each time I pumped the scabs and cracks on my nipples would bleed and it became intolerable. So at the moment I am combi feeding which I feel so guilty for as I was determined to exclusively BF till she weaned herself.

I have no other friends with children and the majority of my family are back in Scotland. Only my Mum and her younger sister who has 3 young girls of her own live nearby and at the moment they are back in the UK for my Grandads funeral who just passed 2 days ago from lung cancer.

We just moved into our own rental after living with Mum for 8 months and my husband is working 2 jobs which means I'm home alone with Isla all day long and I'm just feeling very lonely and overwhelmed.
She is just so demanding and I struggle to do basic things like eat, shower and keep on top of the housework.
I do have a baby carrier that I can pop her in sometimes but it does restrict me in what I can do as I still wear her on the front and not the back, so I can't really cook or shower etc. I still need to walk up and down frantically till she dozes off as she will just fuss and cry in it if I'm trying to just get on with normal things.

I've read Dr Sears 'The Fussy Baby Book' and she ticks all the boxes for a high needs baby. Sometimes, I feel a bit hopeless about the future. Is she going to be a nightmare of a toddler? Are people going to say 'See! We told you that you held her too much - she how she is now?'
I'm so very attentive to her and just don't get much in return except an unhappy, whingy baby.
It's affecting my marriage too as the last thing on my mind is sex and I am constantly irritable and negative. I feel like all l do is complain but I don't know how else to cope

Does anyone else have experience with a high needs baby?
Edit - she also has silent reflux and is on medication for that

This sounds like my baby...you are not alone...

We too had terrible feeding issues (she is now full time formula), and she has silent reflux with meds. I too am very attentive and all I get in return is a whiney baby.

I spend all day doing all the baby care too and hubby has no idea how shitty it is. Our marriage is suffering too, because when he's home he has me to help when she gets too much, but when I'm home alone, well, I have noone. I have gotten close to hurting her before on a few occasions and I did the right thing and walked away but I still feel like that sometimes. My Mum lives in the same city but has been no bloody help, useless actually, and my in laws are OS as well. So it's just me, with a husband who is too busy with work and rugby coaching to be at home. He had the nerve to complain when I told him he can do both the middle of the night feed AND the early morning one when he's home this week. Asshat.

Basically, it's sh!t, and I get little joy from my baby right now. I'm just hoping I get to like her when she grows bigger. My husband even told me to leave the house for a few days because I am being so bitchy. But I don't even have the energy to give a crap.

I wear her a lot too, but yes, at the front, and it gets too much sometimes.

I now have to leave her to cry to sleep a lot because I can't handle shh-patting her for an hr to get a 45 min nap out of her....because she cat naps, soooo that's fun. I feel guilty and unhappy most of the day.

PND is a bitch and I suggest you talk to someone before you lose it xx I'm in the same boat xx

 

[BUGaBOO]

oh my goodness I just wrote a massive reply and hit submit, it said page could not be displayed then when I clicked back my entire post was gone

 

[Emerald87]

oh my goodness I just wrote a massive reply and hit submit, it said page could not be displayed then when I clicked back my entire post was gone

I HATE when that happens!

 

[BUGaBOO]

I know! It was so long and detailed too and while she slept for 30 mins - dunno when I'll eat to rewrite it aaargh!

 

[aliss]

Aliss/Noelle - what other coping strategies did you use? Do you think our traumatic labours have anything to do with their temperament?

I've heard this, and maybe it can contribute. We tried craniostheopathy (??) spelling?? at 4 months out of desperation, didn't really work. I've seen some girls though with amazing perfect home births and end up with one too. Reflux is a very common one though, and part of me thinks it helps them learn to hate life and not sleep righth from day 1.

Spoiling, I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Like I said, ignorant people (sorry, I know it's your mom) won't ever understand or get it.

These husbands not being around makes me mad. I would have dropped him off at an orphanage by then if my husband wasn't 50% in it. I would leave the baby with them for the day and go. They need to learn to be there.

 

[Noelle610]

I used to think there was a connection between a difficult labor/birth and a high needs baby, but looking back I think it was just me blaming myself for Charlotte's temperament. I went through a phase where I felt like, "If only I had given her a better birth experience. If only I'd bee successful with breastfeeding. If only we had coslept. She would have known how much I loved her and she would have been happier". It seems like crazy talk looking back, but I think it's common for us moms of high needs kids to blame ourselves.

I think the best medicine is time, truly. Like Staralfur, I found that once my LO could move she was much happier. I've found this to be true of most high-needs babies. It WILL get better. Right now, you feel like you're in a black hole of misery and you're grieving for your old life. It's hard to have perspective. But I think it's important to listen to moms who have come out on the other side.

 

[BUGaBOO]

My mum has been badgering me to take her to the cranial-osteopath (think that's what they're called?!) I dunno....god knows how much it costs and who knows if it will even help?! I've also been advised a chiropractor could help or even the acupuncturist (doesn't involve using needles though)

She's had another shit day today. As hubby was heading out the door to work, I had tears in my eyes desperately trying not to cry. Part of my thinks I've probably got PND but There are so many other stressful things going on like I mentioned before - my Grandad has just passed away and we have just moved house which was very stressful with no help (still got lots of unpacked boxes because I can't get time to unpack them) another part of me is saying anyone would feel the way Im feeling if they had a baby like this.

I did have depression/anxiety on and off from age 16 before Isla but stopped taking meds when I found out I was pregnant and even got my placenta encapsulated as a measure against developing PND - drastic I know, but I'd do anything to avoid being depressed again.
It honestly seemed to work until the tablets ran out about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Now I'm wondering whether I go back to the doctor although I really don't wan to go back on medication, if anything, I just need someone to talk to - someone that's not my husband or Mum.

Happi2bhealthy - if you don't mind me asking, what kind of feeding issues did you experience and at what time did you decide to put lo on formula full time?
I could swear my teeth are a few mm shorter because I constantly grind them in anger and one time almost lunged a full bottle of expressed breast milk against the wall because I was sooo frustrated (I get annoyed if I even spill one drop so that shows you how mad I was that day!!) Are you on meds for PND?

Emerald - that would be great if you're serious! In all honesty, I don't feel like I'm much fun to be around right now because I'm so down and so overwhelmed, but it would be lovely to have someone to talk to - I will PM you xx

Staralfur - around what age did your little girl start to sit up unaided? I actually wish I could BF her properly, I wouldn't mind her sucking for comfort if it would mean less crying time but 1) my nipples are too damaged to let her feed any longer than she has to and 2) she pulls off as soon as she's had enough milk and wont' stay on any longer
I do feel like the minute my hubby comes home I quickly hand hand her over - then I'm able to get something to eat, and eat it slowly instead of scoffing it down in a panic before she kicks off, I'm able to go to the toilet and not worry about her screaming bloody murder, able to just put my feet up and take a deep breath.

I just find it especially hard right now as my mum and aunt, who are the only family I have in Australia, are back in Scotland for my Grandad's funeral. All of my husband's family live interstate near Sydney and the few friends I have don't have kids. In fact, one friend who is going to try for her own baby soon, has being going on and on and on about looking after Isla for me, she constantly says 'please let me take her' 'even if you want to have a bath or read a book, just call me or text me'
EVERY time I see her, she insists. SO, yesterday I texted her asking if she could pop round for an hour or two so I could have a bath and she texted back 3 hours later saying her fiance had a cold and she wouldn't want to pass it to Isla so couldn't. Hmmph.

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

My mum has been badgering me to take her to the cranial-osteopath (think that's what they're called?!) I dunno....god knows how much it costs and who knows if it will even help?! I've also been advised a chiropractor could help or even the acupuncturist (doesn't involve using needles though)

She's had another shit day today. As hubby was heading out the door to work, I had tears in my eyes desperately trying not to cry. Part of my thinks I've probably got PND but There are so many other stressful things going on like I mentioned before - my Grandad has just passed away and we have just moved house which was very stressful with no help (still got lots of unpacked boxes because I can't get time to unpack them) another part of me is saying anyone would feel the way Im feeling if they had a baby like this.

I did have depression/anxiety on and off from age 16 before Isla but stopped taking meds when I found out I was pregnant and even got my placenta encapsulated as a measure against developing PND - drastic I know, but I'd do anything to avoid being depressed again.
It honestly seemed to work until the tablets ran out about 3 or 4 weeks ago. Now I'm wondering whether I go back to the doctor although I really don't wan to go back on medication, if anything, I just need someone to talk to - someone that's not my husband or Mum.

Happi2bhealthy - if you don't mind me asking, what kind of feeding issues did you experience and at what time did you decide to put lo on formula full time?
I could swear my teeth are a few mm shorter because I constantly grind them in anger and one time almost lunged a full bottle of expressed breast milk against the wall because I was sooo frustrated (I get annoyed if I even spill one drop so that shows you how mad I was that day!!) Are you on meds for PND?

Emerald - that would be great if you're serious! In all honesty, I don't feel like I'm much fun to be around right now because I'm so down and so overwhelmed, but it would be lovely to have someone to talk to - I will PM you xx

Staralfur - around what age did your little girl start to sit up unaided? I actually wish I could BF her properly, I wouldn't mind her sucking for comfort if it would mean less crying time but 1) my nipples are too damaged to let her feed any longer than she has to and 2) she pulls off as soon as she's had enough milk and wont' stay on any longer
I do feel like the minute my hubby comes home I quickly hand hand her over - then I'm able to get something to eat, and eat it slowly instead of scoffing it down in a panic before she kicks off, I'm able to go to the toilet and not worry about her screaming bloody murder, able to just put my feet up and take a deep breath.

I just find it especially hard right now as my mum and aunt, who are the only family I have in Australia, are back in Scotland for my Grandad's funeral. All of my husband's family live interstate near Sydney and the few friends I have don't have kids. In fact, one friend who is going to try for her own baby soon, has being going on and on and on about looking after Isla for me, she constantly says 'please let me take her' 'even if you want to have a bath or read a book, just call me or text me'
EVERY time I see her, she insists. SO, yesterday I texted her asking if she could pop round for an hour or two so I could have a bath and she texted back 3 hours later saying her fiance had a cold and she wouldn't want to pass it to Isla so couldn't. Hmmph.

BTW it's good to see another Aussie on here

Miss C had an undiagnosed tongue tie for the first 2 weeks of her life. She was given 24 hrs to put on a certain amount of weight or would be tube fed through her nose, that's how much weight she lost when trying to feed the first 2 weeks. We then had to pump her full of formula and I had to pump round the clock to get my supply up. I did, and took Motilium to increase supply, but she had never learned to latch properly so consistently needed topping up after spending 30 mins at the breast still.

After 3 weeks of that, I gave up. She then had a tummy reaction to cows milk formula so she was STILL unhappy all day, and we finally switched to Soy which has worked OK so far. She also has silent reflux, so that didn't help much.

I am not on meds for PND, I'm trying to work through it without them. Please do go to your local ECC nurse...our babies are about the same age and I have only just recognised that I shouldn't be feeling the way I do. I don't feel a bond with my baby, I get very angry with her all too often, and have no idea what I'm doing wrong as to why she won't sleep much during the day.

It's really hard to watch what seems like everyone else enjoying their babies nodding peacefully off to sleep for a few hours in their prams while our babies scream bloody murder and whine all day about goodness-knows-what. It's even harder not having any support around: my mum might be in the country but she's been bloody useless and actually made things worse by making me feel like a shitty mum for not doing things HER way. Mothers Group can be hard because everyone else is breastfeeding and their babies are so peaceful when they sleep.

So just telling you you're not alone, and go and talk to the EC nurses, and take up all free services. It will get better: I have spent so much time with kids and they DO get better, it's just hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes isn't it

 

[BUGaBOO]

Yes - I can have Isla on the boob for a long time then she will STILL take a 4oz bottle of formula - it really makes me feel like I'm failing to feed her. I KNOW her attachment is poor but I don't know how to fix it. I've tried baby lef attachment which worked well once but not since, I've tried adjusting her latch while she's on the breast but I can't budge her jaw, she just opens her mouth a tiny bit (anticipating a bottle) and I jam my nipple in and that's it. I've tried cramming more of my breast into her mouth while she's latched but it doesn't work. I had NO idea how difficult BF would be when I was pregnant - I actually think I was blissfully unaware that there could be any problems - boy, was I ignorant!!!

My mum is very matter-of-fact and bossy. She demanded I get Isla on a 3 hourly feeding routine. I don't think babies work that way, I mean, that's not taking into consideration growth spurts, or the fact that she might be hungry or even just thirsty in this heat after 1 or 2 hours. Every time I go to pick her up when she's hysterical, I'm told I'm 'making a rod for my own back' MAN, I hate that phrase!!!

What makes it hard is my SIL has a little boy 6 weeks older than Isla and he is so laid back and chilled out, I hate that it looks like I can't cope with my child when she has no idea what a difficult baby is like to live with......

 

[Emerald87]

Of course I'm serious!

 

[staralfur]

Abby sat on her own around 7.5 months, which seems to be a bit late compared to most babies I've heard of on here. But she mastered the sitting/crawling/cruising within the same month, so it was a huge difference pretty quickly.

She was commando crawling from about 5 months which helped a little bit, too. She still got a bit frustrated because she couldn't get anywhere very quickly and it took a lot of work, but she still had a bit of independence to go where she wanted as opposed to me carrying her everywhere.