Any other Mums out there with high needs babies?

[Boo44]

Bugaboo I opened this thread because I feel like I 'know' you through Noelle's sleeping thread and I adore Isla I think she's the prettiest little girl I can't really pretend to know what it's like for you as tbh Jack probably fits into the non-high needs bracket. But I manage to have a ton of freak outs and omg what have I done moments even still. So I think that you're pretty hardcore (and all the others!) for coming out the other side mainly intact! And I hope it's ok that now I've read this, I'm goin to stalk you and see how you're getting on xxx

PS I would love to live in Australia. My hubby lived there for a year before we met. Think my mum would kill me if I left tho

 

[BUGaBOO]

Aaw thanks Boo, how lovely. Yeah I love Australia to bits and moved here 7 years ago, my mum and aunt emigrated here too so at least I have a few family members here (rest are back in Scotland)

Last night was a GOOD night with her - I even questioned whether I should start the antidepressants or not.

This morning has been a different story. I think it has actually been one of her worst days ever. She has screamed and fought the minute she woke up this morning, she hasn't drank a ful bottle of milk (only 2oz when we awoke) each time I try and put her down she screams till she's red in the face and tears are streaming down her face, I actually started crying with her because its so distressing. I kept picking her up and she still screamed incessantly. Then I gave her a bath because she ALWAYS loves her bath -
Nope, started crying and whinging till I took her out. Spent 30 mins pacing up and down with her in my arms, jiggling and shhhh-ing ) she eventually fell asleep in my arms and I lay down with her, still in my arms till 20 mins later she woke up as started fussing again. Went down to cook something to eat (it was noon and I hadn't eaten since 7pm last night) put her in the swing, chopped veg, she started crying, went over and put her dummy back in, chopped some chicken and she started protesting till I went over and picked her up.
Decided I could put her in the sling while I prepared lunch, put her in, she starts crying till I started dancing around quickly, bouncing quickly so her head bobs.
Success, go back to preparing food, because I've stopped bouncing, she starts screaming hysterically, try bouncing on the spot but oh no, that won't do, she cries and cries till I get her out and try and boil pasta one handed, decide this is dangerous and put her in her playgym, get back to the kitchen, boil pasta and she starts up again. Lose control and scream 'what the fuck is it!!!!!!!!!!!' SO raging. I'm in so much bloody pain with my infected tooth that I haven't even taken painkillers yet and am in agony. She is getting more and more hysterical till I pick her up and hold her right arm while I finish off the pasta & quickly eat it one handed, shovelling mouthfulls in while bouncing her on my hip, go and sit back down with her, abandoning the mess in the kitchen and take this video of her to show what she is like when she cries (an this is NOT her anywhere near hysterics)

Now - she's exhausted herself to sleep and is lying in my arms while I'm sitting in tears myself, undressed, teeth unbrushed/unshowered, kitchen a mess etc etc
There was more crying involved but I just can't type much as I'm typing on my iPhone one handed, holding her.
Not sure if these will work....

https://i987.photobucket.com/albums...E26CAB5-2573-0000036DE28C8BDA_zpsd0afd8b0.mp4
https://s987.photobucket.com/albums...E26CAB5-2573-0000036DE28C8BDA_zpsd0afd8b0.mp4

It's only 1pm so that's 5 hours of almost constant screaming with only a 20 min sleep. She is SO overtired and almost refuses to go to sleep .
I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm so exhausted myself, she is beyond demanding, I feel like I need someone to take care of ME. I so badly needed someone to hand her over to today but I had nobody. I couldn't even just walk away because she was so hysterical she was forgetting to takena breathe & it was just this awful silent scream for 5 seconds till the blood curdling scream and I was sure one of the neighbors would come knocking to see if she was ok

 

[NotNic]

Ah bless you. Sending you huge hugs. Finlay was a breath holder too. So scary. Sounds mean but blow in her face. It made F take a breath every time. I can't view the video but I can imagine what it's like. When F was on a crying Fest and I needed him to sleep I used to put the hairdryer on (cold setting) and I would blow the dust out from under the sofas. The loud hum used to lull him to sleep. Other similar babies did well next to the washing machine / tumble dryer. Sounds crazy but it works.

This day is just a dodgy one. Write it off. Tomorrow will be better. PS getting dressed is overrated! xx

 

[izzlesnizzle]

I can identify with the as soon as you stop moving they go beserk. I was out shopping yesterday and couldnt stop to look at anything coz as soon as i did she would scream and want to get out of the pram but if i did that i would never get her back in again! The times ive had to put things back in the shop coz shes been creating such a racket in the shop that ive just had to abandon everything and leave. I was trying to pick her a pretty dress for her first birthday yesterday and she created that much noise in the shop that i just said "right, fine, we're going" and left with nothing.

I remember when she was really little the only thing that helped to get her to sleep was to put her in the sling and put on some classical music and sway her side to side softly and she would settle and sleep. The music would help me to calm down too. There was a time i would have to take her out every time she needed a nap which was ridiculous! Just to keep her moving. We are at a good point now where she will nap in the cot but it took months to get there. My problem now is keeping her asleep in the buggy when we're out coz she wants to look at everything and will constantly keep sitting forward in the buggy and wont lie back and theres me almost forcing her back to lie down and i dont know what it must look like to onlookers, probably not very good! Its hard isnt it!

 

[struth]

Bugaboo -after trying everything, they only thing that works for us is to put J in his buggy and push it back and forth until he sleeps. We have it in his bedroom and use it every nap time. It has really helped my sanity. Will Isla go to sleep in her pram/buggy? We only get 30mins or so but it is enough to keep J off the boil until his next nap.

Izzle-have you thought about a buggy shade? Not if that is the right name but you can get a shade to put over the buggy to stop them being distracted by everything. might be worth a try?

 

[aliss]

Don't laugh but what also worked well with Alex was swaddling him, putting him in a stroller, and jogging in a gravel pit (yes I was that desperate). Or a cobblestone street if you have those

 

[izzlesnizzle]

Bugaboo -after trying everything, they only thing that works for us is to put J in his buggy and push it back and forth until he sleeps. We have it in his bedroom and use it every nap time. It has really helped my sanity. Will Isla go to sleep in her pram/buggy? We only get 30mins or so but it is enough to keep J off the boil until his next nap.

Izzle-have you thought about a buggy shade? Not if that is the right name but you can get a shade to put over the buggy to stop them being distracted by everything. might be worth a try?

I have thought of a buggy shade before but OH poo poo'd it and said whatever next to get parents to spend money! But i might talk to him about it again. I usually put a muslin over so it makes it dark but she just sticks her head around the side of it now or pulls it down!

 

[babyhopes2010]

Bugaboo -after trying everything, they only thing that works for us is to put J in his buggy and push it back and forth until he sleeps. We have it in his bedroom and use it every nap time. It has really helped my sanity. Will Isla go to sleep in her pram/buggy? We only get 30mins or so but it is enough to keep J off the boil until his next nap.

Izzle-have you thought about a buggy shade? Not if that is the right name but you can get a shade to put over the buggy to stop them being distracted by everything. might be worth a try?

I have thought of a buggy shade before but OH poo poo'd it and said whatever next to get parents to spend money! But i might talk to him about it again. I usually put a muslin over so it makes it dark but she just sticks her head around the side of it now or pulls it down!

get one! they are brill. i have one covered the whole pushchair. worked a treat when my mardy LO was lil

 

[phineas]

Just sending hugs babe x

 

[CarliCareBear]

my baby girl is amazing and happy at least when she's out and seeing new things, but if she's teething or anything else she is very hard to please.
her cries are always blood curling and ridiculous- i have never heard a baby cry like her. my pediatrician even said she cries on a whole new level- we call it "death screaming".

i sometimes wonder if this is just because my daughter has a dramatic personality and got the stubbornness of her parents bred into her? she is very smart and i have a sense she just has a lot of personality from a young age, which i guess could be good and also bad?

 

[BUGaBOO]

Struth she doesn't really like the pram - I always put the sling in it just incase.....
We did have cobbled streets back in Scotland but not in Australia! Think it's because I still use the bassinet attachment and she doesn't particularly like being flat on her back but is too small for the pram seat part (I think? Need to check that out.....)

We have just moved into a townhouse so the neighbours are very close by and I feel too embarrassed to take her out into the small courtyard or on our bedroom balcony when she is screaming, though the fresh air does somewhat soothe her. I'd take her out a walk round the estate except I barely have time to get out of my pajamas and get ready.

Mum came back from overseas today and was able to take her during one of her screaming fits - it was so good to not have her shrieking in my ear.
I'm seriously thinking of getting one of those overnight midwife/nanny people to have her once a week or even a fortnight so we can get even 1 full nights sleep for the sake of our sanity. We can't really afford it with only one of us working but I'm sure we could cut down on costs somewhere else.
To deal with such high needs babies it would help to be at least be a bit rested, not running on empty constantly, it makes it 10 times harder to deal with.

This morning she woke up and wanted to play - I went to bed at 11.30pm and had been up feeding her at 3am and 6am so could barely open my eyes at 8am, I was pleading with her to go back to sleep (didn't work of course!)

I found a website called thefussybaby.com and it really helped to read through other womens stories and make me feel like I'm not alone. Don't know if I'm allowed to post a link to it but you can find it via google, might help the other mums here with high needs babies.

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

Bugaboo have you had her checked by a paed?

Just a thought: Charlotte was just like what you described in the last post (hugs girly, it's bloody SHIT isn't it) and it turned out she was actually very reflux-y: silent reflux. Not wanting to be laid down, and generally very very fussy on top of a few other signs...Charlotte is on Zantac and soy formula for her belly issues and it made a big difference for us. Shes obviously still high needs...but better than she was.

Just a thought? I do think reflux is over diagnosed however in cases like yours it might be worth looking at. And go out every single day without fail so you're OUT and not home alone dealing with miss fuss pot.

 

[BUGaBOO]

We think she has silent reflux, and is on 5mg of Losec a day for it, I do try to elevate her in the bassinet with a wedge pillow but it's not very secure.......

She hates being laid down, much prefers being upright.

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

OMG awesome website, I wish I'd known about it 10 weeks ago

 

[Babyface179]

You need to ideally give losec at least 2 hours after the last feed and half an hour before the next feed in order for it to work properly. It's a bloody nightmare to time (and there is proper scientific reasons as to why you should time it like this - I'm just not clever enought to understand!) but unless we administered it like this it was very ineffective. We also had to have our LO on a massive dose of it. At your LO's age he was on at least 10mg. How much does your LO weigh?

 

[BUGaBOO]

Last time we weighed her about 2 weeks ago she was 5.9kg maybe? or around 12lb.
I asked the Dr about upping her dose and she said no. I didn't even know it had to be timed- we were just giving it to her before a feed, roughly in the afternoon.

It's a good website isn't it Hapi2behealthy - I sat last night and the night before and read story after story, even had a good cry reading them. Helps to know others are going through the same thing.

One thing that worries me are friends and family are going to blame my 'gentler' parenting style ie. no CIO/CC, picking her up when she's upset etc. for the way she is. I'd hate them to think I'm too soft on her and that's why she's the way she is. I know I shouldn't care what other people think but I would hate anyone to think I'm a 'bad' parent, my confidence is already low

 

[struth]

Of course-she is still very young and won't go in a push chair yet. Apologies, I'd forgotten about her age. J was exactly the same-would cry and cry in the pram and I was too embarrassed to take him out. Sorry Perhaps bear it in mind when she is a bit older if she still struggles to nap.

I also felt the same about worrying that people would think it was to do with my softer parenting style. In fact my MIL used to take him off keep me, put him somewhere (like the swing) where he would scream and scream and then say-'he's fine, he's fine' when he clearly wasn't. Every bone in my body was telling me to pick him up. When she did it the second time, I did. The point she was making was that I didn't need to pick him up all the time.... urghh.... it frustrates me to even think about it. He's my child and I will raise him as I think is best for him and us. If he is crying I will pick him up and he will learn that I am there for him when he needs me. If others choose to do something different then that is fine-there is too much guilt put on us as parents. Pick what your want to do, do it, and sod what others think.

Sorry....rant over!

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

Ahhh well if she DOES have silent reflux then yes, she will hate to be laid down and will be a very unhappy baby. Charly had mild SR and luckily we were able to get it under control with Zantac which I'm now slowly weaning her off as I don't like to medicate much.

If it were me, I'd up her dose anyway...playing with fire a little but even worth talking to the EC nurses and a different paed or GP because if she's not getting enough, it won't work, and it DOES take some time to work: how long has she been on it?

Also, I understand it's hard when you are more inclined to parent gently! I am also like this, and tend to cop it a bit esp from my mum. You can still parent gently and let her have a little cry when you need to: We have had a lot of success with getting Charlotte to bed lately with a combo of putting her down very drowsy and then patting her when she realises she's in her cot. Last night she even took herself off to sleep (!!!!!!????). There was no CC needed, although sometimes we do need to let her have a wail for 1-2 mins at a time because at some point you have to stop rocking or your arms will fall off... The little bit of crying has been a bit hard to deal with but she has begun to understand that she will have her needs met if she gets too upset. I wear her for a LOT of naps though...pram doesn't get used much but I love to have her close anyway.

I would suggest looking up on FB for any natural/instinctive parenting groups and joining them, I have one and we even have meet ups so I meet other parents who are similar! It's helped a lot to have their support in my approach to our daughter.

Hope Isla is OK today

 

[BUGaBOO]

I asked to have her seen by a paed they won't refer me unless there is something wrong with her developmentally! And I don't have private health cover to see another.

Hapi2bhealthy - she's been on the meds for maybe a month or so.
The problem with letting her cry for a bit (I did have to do it the other day when I had to walk away from her because she was making me do furious) is that she winds up and up and then there's no bringing her back down till she's exhausted herself screaming. I read there are 2 kind of babies - type ones are calmed by having a bit of a cry, type twos are wound up from having a cry and continue to be wound up.
So letting her cry doesn't work for us.

One thing we have started doing in the last few days is watching the clock more carefully and making sure we start putting her to sleep before she gets past the point of no return (say 1.5 hours after last awakening)
We hold her lying horizontal and faced into our chests, dummy in and nice big firm pats on the bum. She always starts crying and protesting, will spit her dummy out repeatedly and generally fight and fight for a good 10-40 mins depending how tired she is

 

[Irish Eyes]

A baby I nannied had awful silent reflux and we bought her a sleep positioner. It looks strange because it keeps them almost upright and uses straps to hold them in but it seriously worked! She wouldn't go in the carrycot part of the buggy but would just about settle in the car seat part. Don't feel bad about getting help, I was only their nanny but did 2 sleep overs a week, the mum would actually leave the house those nights & sleep at her mums so she didn't hear any crying & it saved her sanity. Her mum used to make 2 extra plates of dinner when she could & dropped them round so at least they ate one healthy meal.