Any Scottish April 2013 babies out there??

[bbymc]

Wow. That's pretty stressful! I think you need to stand your ground though. If you don't nothing will change. It's not gona be great for your dad to go into a home but if he won't except help from social services and is going to expect you to continue to do everything, then I don't really think you have a choice but to let him go. Maybe then he will appreciate you more and your relationship will be better.

Maybe you could speak to your aunt and sisters about everything and help them understand how things are for you?

It's bad enough your dads left you with debt, but why do you pay his rent? Surely that's not just your responsibility?? Can't he pay his own rent?

It's a really tough situation which is pretty deep seated by the sounds of it. It's too much to expect you to cope with alone. Especially since you have 2 sisters who can help and do their share. Talking with them seems the only way to resolve anything if you asked me. Easy for me to say though :-/

Big hugs!! Xx

 

[lj2245]

I have actually just typed out a long reply to that and then my laptop messed up and changed page and I lost the message. I am literally about to crack up.

 

[lj2245]

I shall try again!

 

[lj2245]

I don't actually pay his rent, he gives me the money and I pay it to his landlord because apparently he is incapable. It's just one of the many many things he refuses to do for himself. He says he can't work internet banking to transfer it but manages to transfer my sisters money all the time. If I point this out, he ignores me completely. If I refuse to pay the rent, I get bombarded with phone calls until I do it. It's easier just to do it.

I have spoken to my sisters and my aunt several times over the years and the fact is they just do not care. As long as he isn't their problem, they don't want to know. Now he's their problem again they want shot asap and will shove him in a flat and will leave him to it.

He won't appreciate me more when he doesn't have anyone, I will just be the bad guy for 'deserting him'. I have fallen out with him once before when I was pregnant with Shaun and he was a raging alcoholic. He was leaving me 50+ angry voicemails every day and when I would visit he would throw things about. He launched a dumbell tree at me one time. I changed my number and cut contact. Then when Shaun was 2 he was admitted to a mental hospital after stabbing his neighbour. Not one person noticed or cared that he was clearly having schizophrenic thoughts. They all lived near him (my sister lived with him and my aunt across the road) and they didn't bother when he said the neighbour had put cameras in the house. They didn't even tell me! So yeah. He got admitted and was weaned off alcohol and was medicated. Carol told me he had a brain clot and had had a stroke and was dying, so I would have to go and visit. I did go and visit and he was perfectly fine and just spoke to me as if nothing had ever happened. He didn't apologise for anything (never has) and just acted like we'd never fallen out. I did decide that he had changed though because he wasnt drinking and was being medicated, so I allowed him to meet Shaun. Then the phone calls started again. Laura you need to do this for me, you need to do that. Constant. I moved out here and he expected me to drive the 60 mile round trip every 2 days. So I suggested he move here to make things easier and he jumped at the chance. I found him a flat across the road from me and he moved in. Then he decided he didn't want to do anything for himself any more. He gave up driving and cleaning his house. He gave up doing his own shopping. He expected me to do it all and if I didn't, I'd get constant phone calls and guilt trips. Like if I don't go the 20 mile round trip 3 times a week to Tesco to buy him fresh bananas, he will tell me he isn't eating. It's easier just to do it and be thankful that he is so good to Shaun. So over the past 2 years my sisters have visited maybe 4 times each. Ann has never visited. It has all been dumped on me and they have been happy to have it that way. TO be fair to them, my Dad refuses to allow them to do anything. Carol did offer to change his bedding recently as I couldn't do it and he said 'no it's fine, Laura will do it'.

I pretty much have 2 options. I either let him go and never speak to him again or I go over and let him act like he's done nothing wrong and we carry on as normal. If I try and speak to him about what he's done he'll just say 'Aye hen' over and over and that will be it, nothing will change. He just doesn't listen.

 

[Cherrybump]

Omg! im so sorry hun. Just seems like he's relying on you way to much. Your Ant and sister really should try being in your place and coping with him. I think your dea right to stand yoru ground otherwise he wont ever learn. I do get that moving him all the way back to glasgow might be a mistake as he wont really have anyone there to visit or if anything does go badly wrong. I know saying being string is much harder than it sounds. But at the end of the day i think your doing the right thing. Put your self first for a change you have a family to think about and a new born on the way. to much stress for one person and your ant and sister should realize this also.



Ive re-packed my hospital bag again as someone mention putting a towel in there lol i remember my sister was told to go shower when she had gone in lol but everything she was going to go no nurse would be there to help or there was someone in there or something i cant remember but she never got to get a shower there.

Im just about to hoover this bloody living room floor lol seems to be the messy room lol. It wont take me to long to do but i keep getting a sore hip or pelvic bone if i push myself to much needs to be done though. and i think ill pull this ball out to help ease of the pain once im done. xxx

 

[bbymc]

Well, neither of those options sound great to me but I don't think it will help anyone if you just continue on as normal. What's Steven's thoughts?

 

[lj2245]

Apart from doing the overtime he's as useful as a chocolate teapot.

 

[lj2245]

He says things like 'You're always falling out with people'. This is because I don't speak to my Mum and because I fell out with his Mum last year after all that carry on that I told you about. She hasn't apologised to me either and I ended up just letting it all go for Stephen's sake. I feel like I'm surrounded by shit people who just want to take advantage of me all the time. I want to get shot of the lot of them! I have 2 selfish sisters who only get in touch when they want something, a pointless Dad who apart from being great with Shaun is just a complete burden and a bunch of aunts and uncles that I don't see from one year to the next.

 

[Kaybee]

Well, neither of those options sound great to me but I don't think it will help anyone if you just continue on as normal. What's Steven's thoughts?

Laura what a hellish situation. Could Stephen speak to him.

 

[lj2245]

He won't listen. He likes to pretend that he's incapable of thinking clearly. It's a load of rubbish, he can think clearly when it suits him. Just like he can't walk to the shop across the road for milk but can spend 2 days on the trot walking around Blackpool.

If Stephen were to go and talk to him (he wouldn';t anyway, it's my problem apparently) he would just sit there and say 'aye' to everything Stephen says then would instantly forget the conversation. It wouldn't change a thing.

 

[bbymc]

I think the best thing for you to do is leave your dad, aunt and sisters to get on with things for now and look at things again once Alex is here. I'd prioritise my own family if I were you, cos it sounds like doing anything other than that will lead to more resentment and anger that everything is being left to you. Right now you need to be selfish for the sake of you and Alex's health.

 

[lj2245]

That's the option of letting him go and never speaking to him again. It would have to be that way. If I ever spoke to him again after this he would just go back to the way he's been and I can't have that with 2 kids and him living 35 miles away.

 

[Kaybee]

He sounds very manipulative.

I dont know what to suggest but I think you need to think about your own health and wellbeing and of your own family. Has he been getting help from the social workers etc lately?

 

[lj2245]

Nope. He was referred when he first moved here and told them he didnt need help because I'd do everything for him. When I found out about this a month or so ago I asked for him to be referred again but they just came back and said he's not entitled to any help because he gets money in his disability money to pay for his own care.

Actually, that reminds me. When I was made redundant I told him I was going to claim carers allowance. He told me I wasn't to claim for it and he would refuse to sign the application because it would mean him losing money. I should have told him to get lost then.

 

[bbymc]

I really think you should try speaking to your relatives again. If they shared the load it couldn't go back to how it was.

If you try again and it still doesn't change anything, then if you thought it was the right thing to do, you could cut him off. Giving it one last try in talking to them can't hurt anyone.

 

[lj2245]

I've been speaking to my sister by email all morning and she has made it clear she doesn't care. She even said 'I told him if he thinks I'm going to be driving back and forward to visit him, he's wrong'. So she's made it clear she won't be doing anything for him regardless of where he's living. He was terrible to us growing up and when he was drinking heavily so I can't blame my sisters for not caring about him. I don't know why I have even bothered with him...I think it's entirely because he's so good with Shaun and I know he needs good grandparents in his life (especially now). When he doesn't act like he's got the brain power of an infant, he's actually pretty good company too. He switches it on and off though. We will go out for dinner and he will be cracking jokes and having a laugh and will be completely switched on then 5 mins later we will stop by Tesco and he'll glaze over and will go back to a shuffling, bumbling idiot who needs his arse wiped for him.

Claire (my youngest sister) hates him. She doesn't bother with him full stop. She accepts money off him all the time but will only phone him if she needs a loan of money (which she never pays back). She's the only one he never phones. In his head she's 'Wee Claire', 15 years old. She's actually 25. Because she lives 40 miles away and doesn't drive, she's not expected to do anything. Plus, she wouldn't answer the phone to him anyway. When I complain that I'm expected to do everything for him she will say 'Don't, then'. It's that simple to her. If I ask who will if I don't she will say it's his problem.

I sent my aunt a message 2 hours ago. She got it 1hr and 50 mins ago and hasn't replied.

 

[bbymc]

Hmmm, I dunno what to suggest then. I have no idea what I would do if it was me. Maybe you could have him go to a home that's not so far away? Surely after some time he would forgive you for 'abandoning him' and realise having you around even if you're not at his beck and call 247 is better than not at all?

 

[lj2245]

He's only 55 so not entitled to go into a home! He can go into sheltered accommodation but that doesn't provide care. Ultimately he would need to pay for his own care, which he won't do while I'm around.

It's a nightmare of a situation and after thinking about it for 2 whole weeks the only solutions I can come up with are the 2 I mentioned.

 

[bbymc]

Well, either way, he's gona have to fund himself.

I don't envy your decision. It's a tough one!

 

[Kaybee]

What a nightmare. Whats Stephen's feelings about it?