Anyone feel like this?

[alisarose]

Hi my name is amanda, i lost my first son thomas presumed SIDS at 12 weeks. I was and still am devastated, i was still breast feeding and feel like he was ripped from my arms. We desparately want another baby asap and have been ttc for 3 mths.
I just feel like its not going to happen, i cant picture myself holding another baby or being pregnant again is this normal?
Everywhere i go i see prams and i feel out of all those babies why mine, and i also think when i see all those prams tjhat ppl think its the easiest thing in the world to get pregnant and then im finding it so difficult

 

[Vickieh1981]

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been and still is.

I think it's totally normal. Since I lost Isabella I am totally obsessed with getting pregnant again and everywhere I go there are pregnant women and newborns.

I don't have any advice but feel for you so much

 

[heart tree]

Hi Amanda, my name is Amanda too. I'm so very sorry and saddened to hear about Thomas. I have lost 2 pregnancies and I often feel the way you do. It is sometimes impossible to believe that I will ever have a baby of my own. Seeing pregnant women or women with babies doesn't help, and they seem to be in abundance everywhere I look!

My mood changes from day to day, even hour to hour. Yesterday I was feeling very hopeful that I could be pregnant. I'm 5 days past ovulation and waiting to test. Today, I've been feeling very doubtful and sad. I don't feel any symptoms like I did for my last 2 pregnancies. I'm just having one of those days where it feels impossible.

I think the good news for you is that you did conceive and carry a baby full term. I know 3 months feels like forever, but it really isn't. How long ago was your loss? Your body might still be in shock and not ready to conceive again even if your heart is ready. Keep writing to us. It is helpful.

I hope you get your sticky bean soon.

 

[africaqueen]

Oh i am so very sorry for your loss. I cnt imagine to knw how u feel after that... i do knw how u feel about the cnt imagine getting pg again tho as i sometimes feel that too... i just wonder if it was a one time thing and thats it... i knw its my sadness talking though an we must keep hope in our hearts that one day we will be pregnant again xxx

 

[debgreasby]

So sorry for your loss. xxx

 

[Ten]

I'm so sorry for your loss, hon - and I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I wish I had words to comfort your heart, but please know there are a lot of us here to support you.

 

[alisarose]

Thanks for the kind words, my mood does change from day to day. You're hopeful when you think you re ovulating then you do it over and over again and hope for the best, then no symptoms and each day you get more and more hopeless til eventually the devastation of getting your period. I keep telling myself the fact that i have had a baby that it ll happen again but it took 7 years, we were not charting or using opk and i had accepted that it wasnt going to happen but then unexpectedly it did and now its worse because i know what it feels like to actually have a baby hold it to my breast, bring it out in pram and be so proud and lie there looking into his eyes and feel that unconditional love. I am obsessed and the desire fot that again is so great again that it just completely takes over your life.

 

[Waiting2bMommy]

im so sorry for your loss

 

[aussiettc]

so sorry for you loss

 

[redhead31]

Thanks for the kind words, my mood does change from day to day. You're hopeful when you think you re ovulating then you do it over and over again and hope for the best, then no symptoms and each day you get more and more hopeless til eventually the devastation of getting your period. I keep telling myself the fact that i have had a baby that it ll happen again but it took 7 years, we were not charting or using opk and i had accepted that it wasnt going to happen but then unexpectedly it did and now its worse because i know what it feels like to actually have a baby hold it to my breast, bring it out in pram and be so proud and lie there looking into his eyes and feel that unconditional love. I am obsessed and the desire fot that again is so great again that it just completely takes over your life.

Hi Amanda, what you have been through sounds amazingly hard, I can't imagine how difficult that would be - I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you and your partner had bereavement counselling to help get you through this time? It's possible that, even though you are desperate for another baby, giving yourself and your partner some time to come to terms with everything that has happened could mean that when you do get pregnant again ( which I'm certain will happen for you) you will hopefully feel more happy and relaxed about the experience. My mother-in-law was born to replace a child that was lost and it is something that has affected her her whole life as she says she always felt that, in her own mother's eyes, she could never be good enough to replace the child that died. I can tell you are a strong person and that you and your partner will get through this - good luck with everything xx

 

[alisarose]

Thanks for the kind words, my mood does change from day to day. You're hopeful when you think you re ovulating then you do it over and over again and hope for the best, then no symptoms and each day you get more and more hopeless til eventually the devastation of getting your period. I keep telling myself the fact that i have had a baby that it ll happen again but it took 7 years, we were not charting or using opk and i had accepted that it wasnt going to happen but then unexpectedly it did and now its worse because i know what it feels like to actually have a baby hold it to my breast, bring it out in pram and be so proud and lie there looking into his eyes and feel that unconditional love. I am obsessed and the desire fot that again is so great again that it just completely takes over your life.

Hi Amanda, what you have been through sounds amazingly hard, I can't imagine how difficult that would be - I'm so sorry for your loss. Have you and your partner had bereavement counselling to help get you through this time? It's possible that, even though you are desperate for another baby, giving yourself and your partner some time to come to terms with everything that has happened could mean that when you do get pregnant again ( which I'm certain will happen for you) you will hopefully feel more happy and relaxed about the experience. My mother-in-law was born to replace a child that was lost and it is something that has affected her her whole life as she says she always felt that, in her own mother's eyes, she could never be good enough to replace the child that died. I can tell you are a strong person and that you and your partner will get through this - good luck with everything xx

No haven t had counselling but have spoken to a lot of support groups. People talk bout time to grieve but i think evry one handles it differently. To me if you have a row with someone or break up with a partner eventually you get to a point where you feel it was for the best but with the death of a child you will neva feel like its okay that it happened. I feel the only way i will ever feel joy or hope again is to get pregnant cos everythng feels so hopeless no matter wat anyone says. I dont thnk another baby will replace thomas but it will replace the physical need and lonliness in my life to care for a baby. I believe in reincarnation and am hoping that thomas will reincarnate but i know that its not definate as its the spirits free will whether it wants to or is ready to come bk. Even if he did reincarnate it may be the same spirit but a different life and human body threfore it will not remember being here before. If anyting i think if there is anothr baby it will be xtra special as its a second chance for us to be the best parents we can be and when its old enough i would explain how special it is to us because we had that miracle of a second chance and that it was wanted so badly. Every baby is precious and i would neva think that it wasn t as good as thomas but a miracle gift.

 

[redhead31]

Oh that is is a lovely way to look at it - and you do deserve a second chance to be parents. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give a child. You don't mention your partner much - remember you are not alone because he is going through this with you. Good luck

 

[redhead31]

Hi Amanda, I wrote a really long reply to you in my last entry but got rid of most of it as realised it was probably stuff you didn't want to hear. However, I have just been laying awake in bed thinking over lots of things and one of those was how you talk about what this baby can do for you. You say it will make you "feel joy and hope again" it will "replace the physical need and lonliness" in your life and get rid of your feelings of "hopelessness".
I just think this is all such a big thing to ask of one little baby. What your new baby needs is for YOU to provide HIM/HER with joy, hope, love and friendship. Your baby will need a happy, loving mother who is emotionally strong and can open her heart again to love fully after the death of her first child. To be honest I think you need good anti-depressants and counselling so you can find your way to a good place - it is what you, your husband, your family and your next child deserve.
I hope I haven't overstepped the mark with this entry as it is a really sensitive issue, but then I thought you wouldn't be asking for people's views on such a personal matter if you wanted everyone to say "sorry for your loss - fx you get your BFP soon". Good luck with everything.

 

[zoefromsussex]

Hi Amanda,

I've just read your post and feel so, so sad for you. You've been through a heartbreaking experience and I think the feelings you're experiencing are absolutely normal. I had a tfmr on 22nd March and I remember my first trip to the supermarket afterwards. It felt like there were newborns EVERYWHERE and I didn't know what to do with myself. Actually, I burst into tears!
Its natural for you to feel resentful but I'm certain you will conceive again. Three months probably feels like forever to you because you so desperately want a baby but actually its not that long to have been ttc. It hurts most when you read about all these babies conceived on one night stands or by people who don't even want a baby!
Try and stay strong and positive and try not to stress too much. I bet you it happens when you least expect it! Zoe x

 

[alisarose]

Hi Amanda, I wrote a really long reply to you in my last entry but got rid of most of it as realised it was probably stuff you didn't want to hear. However, I have just been laying awake in bed thinking over lots of things and one of those was how you talk about what this baby can do for you. You say it will make you "feel joy and hope again" it will "replace the physical need and lonliness" in your life and get rid of your feelings of "hopelessness".
I just think this is all such a big thing to ask of one little baby. What your new baby needs is for YOU to provide HIM/HER with joy, hope, love and friendship. Your baby will need a happy, loving mother who is emotionally strong and can open her heart again to love fully after the death of her first child. To be honest I think you need good anti-depressants and counselling so you can find your way to a good place - it is what you, your husband, your family and your next child deserve.
I hope I haven't overstepped the mark with this entry as it is a really sensitive issue, but then I thought you wouldn't be asking for people's views on such a personal matter if you wanted everyone to say "sorry for your loss - fx you get your BFP soon". Good luck with everything.

No its fine, im open to everyones view. I suppose why im here to to talk to other ppl who understand what i feel because ive plenty of ppl who offer sympathy but havent a clue wat it feels like.
You see the baby if it comes doesnt have to do anything just be there and in giving it as you say love, joy etc i know i will find mine again. I thnk the only way my heart will ever be open again is when i look in the eyes of another baby. I did take anti depressentants immediately after it happened and i got very drunk a few times but it didnt help, either of them and them. i dont think anti depressentants really work for this kind of loss, its something you have to get used to and live with in your own way and your own time and everyone handles it differently. I think that no amount of talking from a councillor would help as they dont know how it feels and no amount of reasoning will ever make it any better, that it happened. I think i would fel patronised. Unless someone have been down on their kness begging god to take you and not your child wen hes dying they cant understand. Theres a lot of anger there regarding his death, i believe he should still be alive if it wasnt for he negligence of these so called professionals his story is on the neonatal,stillbirth and sids section - baba monsters story.
If you read it you might undrstand why i say it could neva be ok wat happened. At this moment our lives are all about grief and sadness and mising thomas, i just think a new baby would help us to focus on the future and living, it would be a light at the end of the tunnel, its alo about takng back control. I think i was a pretty good mum to thomas but there were so many things regarding birth and sids etc i didnt know and if anything i think that would make me a better mum as now i know evrything and would neva allow wat happened to thomas to happen again.
Also when is a good time to decide to try again 6 mths, a year. As you all know ttc is not that easy, im 38. I dont have that mush time, thomas took 7 years coming. So isnt it better to try than to wait and then maybe no chance and then you ll blame yourself for waiting

 

[redhead31]

Hi Amanda, I did read your story and it is heartbreaking - I can see why you feel the way you do.
I've said what I think, and a lot of what I think is influenced by the hurt my mother-in-law still has at being the replacement child and having a mother who was never able to deal with her depression of losing her first child. She doesn't talk about her childhood being happy but about her mother always crying over the death of her first child and never seeming really pleased that she went on to have a healthy child.
Anyway, I hope with all my heart that you do find that light at the end of the tunnel and you go on to have a happy and loving family xx

 

[Lucina]

Im so sorry for your loss Amanda, I cant begin to imagine how hard this all must have been for you. I can identify with the feeling that everybody else seems to get pregnant at the drop of the hat and thats why I have found these boards so helpful in putting things into perspective. Wishing you lots of for the future.

 

[alisarose]

Hi Amanda, I did read your story and it is heartbreaking - I can see why you feel the way you do.
I've said what I think, and a lot of what I think is influenced by the hurt my mother-in-law still has at being the replacement child and having a mother who was never able to deal with her depression of losing her first child. She doesn't talk about her childhood being happy but about her mother always crying over the death of her first child and never seeming really pleased that she went on to have a healthy child.
Anyway, I hope with all my heart that you do find that light at the end of the tunnel and you go on to have a happy and loving family xx

 

[Vickieh1981]

Hi Amanda, I did read your story and it is heartbreaking - I can see why you feel the way you do.
I've said what I think, and a lot of what I think is influenced by the hurt my mother-in-law still has at being the replacement child and having a mother who was never able to deal with her depression of losing her first child. She doesn't talk about her childhood being happy but about her mother always crying over the death of her first child and never seeming really pleased that she went on to have a healthy child.
Anyway, I hope with all my heart that you do find that light at the end of the tunnel and you go on to have a happy and loving family xx

It probably wasn't that she wasn't happy that she got a healthy child. I have four healthy children but that doesn't stop me sobbing because I lost Isabella, one child doesn't replace another and stop that hurt.

That doesn't mean that the urge to have a child goes away because you have lost one so that's why you end up trying again