Anyone had problems convincing hubby another baby is a good idea

Discussion in 'Trying To Conceive Over 35' started by goddess25, Jun 7, 2011.

  1. goddess25

    goddess25 Well-Known Member

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    Ok not sure where to post this really.

    I am 37 at the moment and have been pregnant 4 times in the last 4 years and have 2 children the most recent being a 3 month old daughter. I want more children however my hubby who is 38 says we are done and that I am too old to have more children.

    He feels that we have 2 kids and are lucky enough to have one of each sex and to some extent I get his point, he thinks that we shouldn't play about with it any more when we have a healthy boy and girl. He also thinks that 2 is enough and he just doesn't want more.

    I would like a bigger family however I am obviously delighted and super happy with the children I do have.

    Have any of you had this problem with your husband?
     
  2. Natsby

    Natsby Luca born 9-11-2012

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    Mine wasn´t sure he was ready until we lost the first one, I think that galvanized his thinking, anyway now he is in favor but not as desperately as I am. I´m never sure if he keeps his feelings secret to protect me and not put pressure on, or if he is just better at waiting than I am.
     
  3. Mabythistime

    Mabythistime Well-Known Member

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    Yes, I had a terribly hard time convincing hubby that BABY # 1 is a good idea. lol DH just had an excuse every time I thought we were ready and eventually I got him in a corner and it came out that he had a fear that I would love the baby and forget about him!

    Since thats been cleared out of the way, problem solved for me.

    I just think they do not always feel like we do, but hey, thats why we love them. More important - give him a bit of a slap on the ankle - you are not "too old" :)

    I am sure you will find your happy medium and good luck with that!
     
  4. Redclaire

    Redclaire A mammy at last!!

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    it took a while for my fella to come around!
    He has 4 children aged 22-17 with his ex wife. I have no kids and left my ex husband cos he finally told me he didn't want kids.
    I said from the start that i wanted a child with my OH and told him we would never be serious unless he was onboad for that...made the start of our relationship difficult at times...its the only thing we ever fell out about!! He wanted children but was afraid we would split and he would be a mc donalds dad again, weekend access and all that! But once we knew (after about 6mths ) that we were crazy about each other he was happy to have a child (one...that's the bargain we made, twins is grand if it happens) I'm grand about the deal, i'm nearly 37 and one kiddie would be an absolute blessing and i understand his reluctance to have more. (especially cos his youngest is profoundly disabled and he worries about having another child in case anything goes wrong) I love my partner to bits and it was so hard at the start of our relationship cos i knew , even tho i loved him, that i needed a baby, to be a mother, that that was my life plan , no compromise. Being honest from the start was good i think, and we both are so into the TTC and iui. He's very supportive and does all he can to soften the disappointment.
    If you want another and ur youngest is only 3 mths..wait a bit...then discuss it again:happydance:
     
  5. alison29

    alison29 Well-Known Member

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    me too. I have 3 yr old twins b/g and so one of each healthy etc. Dh really doesn't want more and will not go back to the RE but he will go on having unprotected dtd so that is something. I had a lap IUI and injections to get twins. Mild endo that is the only problem.
     
  6. littletike

    littletike Well-Known Member

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    Had same problem with mine with No1 and convincing him to try for No2 was even worse as he had recent experience of the hard work! He's one for the easy life!!! I'm 37 and he is 42. In the end I think he thought the easy life was by going along with it (stop the nagging and the tears!) and I think cos it didn't happen for a 9 months with no1 and now 18 months with no2 (I'm cautiously 5 weeks preg on Thursday) he hated seeing me upset every month but to be honest he didn't know the half of it and I don't think anyone who hasn't got or had that intense yearning will ever get it.

    Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey is the advice I will give. I would have a football team full but I think I left it too late and think I've pushed DH as far as I can!

    It can also be a lonely old time as I couldn't fully share when I was devastated every month for fear of him thinking I was obsessed (and so increasing the pressure in the BD department) and now that I'm uppus duffus he's not sharing my deep joy either. Still, it's worth it for me and it will all come out in the wash as they say in Yorkshire!! I love to read about the very supportive OHs on here but with a tinge of envy!

    Good luck goddess! xx
     
  7. Indigo77

    Indigo77 Guest

    Tell him u want your kids to always have each other to go thru life together....and that 2 isn't enough...3 is the perfect number cuz if 1 is mad at the other, there is always the other one...I actually feel sorry for my DH who only has 1 selfish, spoiled, egotistical bitch of a sister he cannot stand...and there is a sense of loneliness/ loss there that I am glad I don't have....I have 3 siblings.....and am never lonely....
     
  8. readyformore

    readyformore Well-Known Member

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    ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!

    DH was happy with 2, now we're ttc #4, lol!

    I really had to convince him to go for the third, and he finally caved.

    I realized while pregnant with #3 that I wasn't done. He kept telling other people that he was getting a vasectomy. I kept telling other people we might have more. Basically, we argued around the topic for months.

    Finally, I told him that we had to actually discuss it. We had a heart to heart, well, several actually. I told him that if he thought he could be the only person in our relationship to decide on our family size, it was the equivilent of me saying that I was going to have a baby every 2 years regardless of his feelings.

    Family size is NOT the responsiblity of one person in a relationship. It has to be mutually agreed upon.

    How do you come to middle ground? Slowly. It's not like you can have a half a baby. Someone has to give. I gave in to other things that he had been wanting. Financial things, new truck, camper, etc. It's not like I traded a baby for material things, not at all. In fact, he never even mentioned it. But, it was more of the fact that there were things in his life that he felt were missing, and I wasn't letting him have those. I never intended on the results, but when I softened and let him have what he wanted. . . he did the same. I had told him to get his truck and the camper because I knew what it felt like to have the person you love the most in the world, hinder getting the only thing you want. And that doesn't feel good, it leads to resentment. I didn't want him resenting me the way I could have resented him for keeping a baby from me.
    (And, I kept saying, "I'm asking to go from 3 kids to 4. It's not like I'm asking to go from 0-4. You have a pretty good idea of what's in store.")

    On the flip side, I've now been ttc for 12 cycles. :wacko: Honestly, I wish I wouldn't have even started. I had infertility treatments with my first, I'm not doing those again, so who knows if I'll ever get pregnant again. It's so disappointing that it would have been better to not even try.

    Sorry, I didn't intend for this to be quite so long!
     
  9. Jax41

    Jax41 It only takes one...

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    Hi Littletike - I could've written your post as it's also how I feel. DH not really that fussed (mainly 'cos he already has 3 (24-14) and a grandchild) feels guilty more than anything I think, bit slack in the BD dept (never tell him when I O), don't want to go overboard each month when AF shows so that it adds to the pressure (tears and nagging would switch him right off anyway), have a huge amount of envy for supportive OH's and have no doubt when I do get my BFP that I could quite possibly feel 'lonely' too. If I'm brutally honest I'm not sure how he will react at all when my HPT does give a BFP! I've also played the slowly, slowly catchy monkey game and just feel at times that it just may have cost me dearly.....

    So pleased you're 'uppus duffus' (like that one!) we will share your joy here but I do understand it's not the same as your DH's....

    I'm 10dpo at the moment and we've actually had a 'good cycle' so I'm ever hopeful that this will be my time!!!:thumbup:

    Lots of luck and luv for you and your sticky bean xXx
     
  10. alison29

    alison29 Well-Known Member

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    Good points trying and little. My dh doesn't like taking care of infants. I told him next time there would just be one so I could handle it by myslef. He also got his boat so he is getting "his turn" if you will. So i am ttc and he is ntnp.
     
  11. readyformore

    readyformore Well-Known Member

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    LOL! Yes, this is always us, hahahaha.
     
  12. littletike

    littletike Well-Known Member

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    Aww ladies I could have shed a small tear reading these and it's so nice to get off my chest how I feel without fear of being judged. We too were TTC for me and NTNP for DH. I think TTC always felt like too much of a step into the grown up world for my DH!! He's such a little boy himself really!!](*,)

    Jax I've been following you on June testers thread, just replied about the cheapie tests so get your ass off to Asda!!

    When I said I had a tinge of envy over the supportive OHs I meant that I was as green as they come!! :haha::mrgreen: But I think you always need to look at the whole package in your man. Everyone compares don't they esp amogst real life friends (as opposed to online friends on here) and I see things in other's OHs that I wouldn't want in mine so I try to find the positives!

    When I told my OH that I was uppus duffus again he said "congratulations" as tho it was nothing to do with him and then "well you got want you want!" (but not in a nasty way, more with rolling eyes!!). So not my dream reaction but hey ho!!! It was better than with our DS when he actually said in horror "you are joking!?!" and didn't speak for about a month!! I'll never forget it but I'm over it!!

    Stay positive and keep your chin(s) up ladies!:haha: I can happen even with the most reluctant OH!!
     
  13. Jax41

    Jax41 It only takes one...

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    I know what you mean, there seems to be so many 'supportive DH/OH's' on here that I too was a bit afraid to say actually how it is for me so thank you for being brave, opening up and allowing me to join you :kiss:

    My DH is a big kid too and I guess you summed it up, I'm TTC and he's def got the NTNP attitude but I love your last sentence that it can still happen with a reluctant OH. You hun are proof!!!!:thumbup: But you're right in other ways there are huge positives about them, of course far too many to list here :haha: so will move swiftly on!!!

    I feel for you that your OH didn't speak for a month, mine will prob be the same (or do the 'got what you want now' bit!!) in fact last year when his DS announced he and girlfriend were going to make us grandparents I lost it completely and we fell out for weeks - like you say, I'm over it but I'll never forget his reaction to me about how devasted I was that one of his kids had got there before us and that I'd been nudging him 'gently' for years about having one of our own...

    I'm keeping my chin(s) up, you do too, always here if you need a bit of the old morale support too. Thanks Littletike :hugs:

    Ps. Thanks for the Asda tip!!!x
     
  14. NorthStar

    NorthStar Well-Known Member

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    Hmm it was the other way around for us, my OH has been seriously asking me to have a LO for about a year, and before that he would make comments "jokingly" about it, so I finally relented.

    If it wasn't for the 35+ factor I think I could have happily waited another couple of years for everything to be perfect but nature is giving me the hurryup I guess!
     
  15. rjsmam

    rjsmam Well-Known Member

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    hi ladies - i feel in the exact same boat - i am ttc, he is ntnp (great summary!) :thumbup:

    I actually felt a bit ashamed of it :blush:... as if it was a dirty secret lol & as if i was trying to trick dh (he knows but isn't wishing to know about ov dates etc etc). I thought everyone here had gung ho ttc partners. Whilst i can't wait for bfp i'm slightly anxious at what his reaction will be... :shrug: i'm fairly sure he'll be delighted but like a lot of blokes he might need time for things to sink in. He's also a total stress head so will be stressing about money etc etc

    As Jax so eloquently put it - thank you so much for opening up this discussion it's really nice to know that others are in the same boat! Thank goodness for this place!! xx
     
  16. NorthStar

    NorthStar Well-Known Member

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    Men are funny about those finer details aren't they, I think they prefer to do this stuff on a need to know basis.

    My OH for all that he IS gungho about TTC, honestly thought that we could get pregnant at any time of the month, and didn't get why I was stressing over timing the BD, he was thinking meh let's wait til the weekend!

    I made him watch sarahincanada's conception video last week and now he TOTALLY gets it last night he was like c'mon let's get an extra one in :happydance:
     
  17. lisap2008

    lisap2008 Well-Known Member

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    We have been TTC for 2 years on and off, for the most part my DH has been on board for the whole thing but there were times he would say he wanted a break and thought we had enough kids already ( I have 4 girls from a previous marriage). and last year he really hurt my feelings when in the middle of a femara cycle he decided he dident want to try anymore and refused to BD when I got my + opk.
    I listened to his concerns and stopped TTC it was hard because after a while of TTC its like thats all I thought about. in october I got a surprise BFP then lost the pregnancy like 3 days later , so fast forward to april were on our way to the beach on vacation and he decides he wants to TTC again this time trying tamoxifen. I have no idea what changed his mind . he has been on board sence. :dust:
     
  18. alison29

    alison29 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for support. I am so glad to hear I am not alone in all this :)
     
  19. alison29

    alison29 Well-Known Member

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    On reaction of BFP I imagine my dh saying, "Well that's just great. SO are you happy now?" I think he would be cold for a while too then hopefully warm up to it he knows after all this a chance every month. My inlaws would say "Why didn't you stop while you were ahead" Yeah that comes from people with FIVE children...Speaking of bad rxns i read a woman's blog who went through 7 IVF cycles for number 3 and her husband said in response to her bfp "I am so happy for you." now that is sad.
     
  20. littletike

    littletike Well-Known Member

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    They are a bloody strange breed aren't they!?! Shall we all run away to a ladies commune with our turkey basters!! :haha:

    Praying for the BFPs for all you ladies so we can bitch about the OHs on the new over 35 and preggo thread!! :muaha:

    :kiss:
     

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