Anyone overcome marriage problems?

[LDC]

Never did I think I'd be saying this, but my marriage is really suffering at the moment.

I just don't know what to do.

Today it all came to a head for me; recently I feel like I'm doing everything, I was ill, then lo was ill (we had to take her to the hospital Thursday night) then today I ended up at the hospital with my dad as someone crashed into the back of his car; luckily he's ok.

I spent three hours at the hospital today and said to oh to get Los bag ready for tomorrow as I still had my work uniform to iron. I came home and her bag wasn't packed (he said he didn't know what went in it) and nothing had been ironed, which wound me up as he'd said lo had been asleep for an hour and a half.

We hadn't spoken since I got in and he just came to me saying we needed to talk. I told him I feel like I'm doing everything and that it concerns me that our lo is 10 months old and he doesn't know what to pack in her bag for a day at his mothers whilst we are at work.

He told me I'm selfish and make him feel like shit.

Then he said "where are we going?" Totally out of the blue and asked me if I wanted to be with him.

I'm so upset, I do want to be with him, I Married for life but this just feels like it's going down hill and I don't know what to do.

I don't want a broken home. I'd like another child in a few years and tbh I feel like oh won't want one because of the problems we've been having recently. I told him I'm finding things really hard but all he said was "you seem to think I'm finding it easy" and just made me feel shitter.

Has anyone else been through a bad patch and come out the other side?

X

 

[admiral765]

I went through a really rough time with my husband and he actually left me a few months ago. I posted a thread on here about it, feel free to read it.
He then wanted me back and we are still working on things now.
I would say as long as you both still love one another then it's worth doing everything you can to save your marriage.
Having a baby is one of the hardest things ever and does of course have an impact on your relationship. It's not easy.
I would suggest talking calmly to one another, listen to each other. If it gets heated, you be the one to calm it down. Remember all the things you fell in love with about one another. You can get carried away with what a new baby brings, become complacent, maybe even take one another for granted. Lose sight of what's more important. When you have asked what seems to be simple instructions to you, usually it isn't for a man. Show him what to pack. Do it together and he can do it next time.
I would also recommend counselling. My husband and I are going now. We couldn't talk about our problems on our own. We became all defensive and it would just make things worse. Counselling makes us talk openly and honestly about everything (including me doing everything!) it's helped so much.
We have fallen in love with one another all over again and its made us stronger than ever. Oh and if you don't already do it, make sure you get one night a week, or one night every two weeks for a date night to reconnect as husband and wife.
If you both want it to work, it will. All the best Hun xx

 

[LDC]

Thank you so much for your reply, it made me cry all over again! Thank you for sharing your experience, it's all so difficult it's hard to see what to do for the best. I think we do need that reconnection as, like you say, everything becomes baby orientated and you forget who you are outside of mummy and daddy.

Xx

 

[admiral765]

Your welcome things do get on top of you Hun but your husband most probably feels the same. By the sounds of what you said, and I'm not dismissing the way you feel by any means, but it does sound like you have just lost your way a little bit and doesn't sound like it will take much to get things back on track. You sound like you still want to be with one another and I'm sure you both have alot of love for each other.
Like you I never thought my husband and I would get to where we did and like you I want my marriage to work more than anything and our family is my world.
If you guys are still on bad terms, reach out to him now Hun. Don't let the little things add up because in hind sight they don't matter. You have got through the most difficult time. Remember to listen to him. It's so easy to get caught up in it all. And just make time for each other.
Feel free to PM if you need too xx

 

[MindUtopia]

So sorry you're going through a rough time! The best advice I can give is just to really think about what you need from him (and if there is anything you need to do better yourself to make things easier on you both) and even write it all down if it helps. Then set a time to talk about it when you are both calm. My husband and I went through a rough few weeks. Sounds very similar - I was sick, our daughter was sick, I was killing myself doing everything and he didn't make much time for us because he's starting a business so often working when we should be having family time, but also just a bit lazy and expecting a lie in even when I never get one. It all finally came to a head when we went to visit family for the weekend for his aunt's birthday. He got ridiculously drunk and passed out in the lounge all night and left me to care for a sick baby all night by myself. I was FURIOUS! I know a lot of mum's expect that boys will be boys and they are the main caregivers anyway and their husbands get to do things they don't, blah, blah, blah. But our relationship has always been 50-50. He doesn't get to do things if I don't. I'm not the babysitter and if one of us has to stay at home with the baby at night, except in rare (planned!) circumstances, we both do. That was just always our agreement. But he had been taking a lot of liberties with that recently and I think just didn't realise what it felt like to me to do nearly everything myself all day while he is working on his business and then still not get a night off ever on the weekends, yet he can go out and get wasted, wake us up, and then leave me to care for a poorly baby alone all night. That wasn't the only issue, mainly it was just that I didn't have him there for us in the mornings and evenings before and after work because he was letting work bleed into family time, responding to emails first thing in the morning instead of helping me with breakfast, staying up late working instead of coming to bed with us, etc. But that weekend was the big blow out we needed.

I made a list of what I needed from him (set work hours and no working at home when he should be with us, more quality time as a family, not expecting me to provide all the care for our daughter whenever we go visit anyone, not assuming he can make plans without telling me and just expect I'll be able to be with our daughter, etc.). We had a good talk and a good cry about it. And he admitted that he knew he'd been doing those things and felt really bad about it. I think it actually was a relief that we could talk about it, he knew what was wrong and what I needed, and then he could do something about it. We're also making an effort to spend better quality time together when we are alone (after baby's bedtime). He keeps off his phone and email. We talk more, etc. It's made a real difference and I feel 90% better now that we talked it out. Now we're going away with a few other couple friends next month (they don't have kids and will expect to be out late drinking). I've told him that the condition of us going is that I expect I won't be the one providing all the childcare while he gets to just hang with our friends, stay up late, lie in, etc. We'll see how that goes. If he doesn't keep his end of the deal, he's getting a good kick in the ass.

Really, I think these things are so normal in relationships when you have a baby. Guys don't realise, being not the primary caretaker, how much work it is and how hard it is to never have time for yourself. I've been out to do something fun without a baby in tow twice in 8 months! I mean, literally, other than to go to the hospital when I was sit, and to the petrol station up the road and occasionally to the store, I've not left the house alone at all except twice! Once was to meet a friend for lunch who was visiting from overseas and another was for dinner with my mummy friends because we all wanted a night out without babies. It's easy for partners to take for granted that you'll always do everything and that you always know what needs to happen or be packed, etc. and I think they get complacent about their role. Also, I know for me, it was easy for me to become complacent as well. Not having the time together that we used to, our lives have been (often rightfully so) about our daughter and making sure life was good for her that he forgot about us. We're making a real effort at remembering us and our relationship now too and that's make a big difference too. Talk about it and let him realise what you need and find out what he needs to. If your relationship was strong before, you CAN work through it. Hang in there!

 

[Dani_Ldn]

Having babies & keeping your relationship somewhat normal is hard work! Hubby & I have had so many arguments about how I feel like he doesn't help enough or use his own initiative, we have only had sex once since lo was born & only a handful of times during the pregnancy (which really frustrates oh), I am tired & emotional all the time & I am certain that I still get PMT every month even though I do not have af back yet!

We tlk about our problems & try not to go to bed on an argument. It is tough going sometimes, but we love each other at the end of the day & hopefully things will be a bit easier with time.

I am also going out to Australia 2 weeks ahead of oh on Tuesday, so hoping the time apart will make us miss each other a bit

 

[hanfromman]

Me and OH have struggled alot since LO was born. There was various issues - he has anger problems, I felt picked on and moaned alot by him, I would say things and do things I knew would wind him up, I felt a bit like I wasn't as special to him anymore, we would point score loads, etc etc. It got so bad that we almost split up twice.
I think we are sorting things out though. He's getting help with his anger which has helped immensely, but a major thing we are working on is communication and understanding. We both love each other and want things to work, but we realised we've been fighting against each other, trying to 'win' instead of working together and being understanding and supportive, even when we have disagreements. We say sorry to each other a lot more now, and I've learnt that even when he is in the wrong, chances are I've said something in the argument that I shouldn't have, and apologising for that and talking things through does a lot more to help things than going on about how he is in the wrong, and trying to win the argument. If that makes sense!
Also, us coming to the conclusion that sometimes he'll be a bit useless and sometimes I'll piss him off, and accepting that, does wonders! Basically not expecting the other person to be perfect but loving them anyway and remembering that they love you and they want us all to be happy too.

I hope that wasn't just a rambling mess! But basically, communicating not arguing, being understanding, saying sorry, keeping calm, and not trying to win all the time and be the one in the right, have helped us loads!

 

[shanny]

it is hard..............................I recall a friend saying to me once is it right that your life changes completely and your husbands doesn't??

I know this isn't the same for everyone but I know some carry on as normal and do not put enough time and more importantly thought, into supporting us...................to me it always feels like they still have a life which I resent and I do not


hugs xx

 

[pebbie1]

Absolutely and for the exact same reasons you said!! He did nothing when our daughter was born and if be running around whilst he would be watching football on tv. Grrrrrr. So yes, things got a bit wobbly. But then when my daughter got mobile and she was entertaining herself a bit more, things calmed down (probably because I calmed down).
So then I gave birth to my son and......it ALL started all over again. This time probably even worse as I feel that oh should know what to do now so he can't use that as an excuse anymore! So he still does nothing, but the worst part is that he is playing the victim of out son waking during the night and he stays in bed during the weekends so he has a lie in. Since my son was born I was allowed to stay in bed twice. And as I'm breastfeeding he can't even do that!
So I told him I was about to pack my bags and go to my family (we live in the uk, my family live in holland) for a while. That was a month ago and I told him everything that was wrong. So since....I still haven't had a lie in!!! Son woke every 2 hours on Friday so I told him on Saturday I really needed a lie in and he still didn't get out of bed on Sunday morning. Seriously, if my family would live closer I would've gone to them for a while so I could catch up on sleep and just cool down. His family live 3 hours away, so I can't even drop the kids off anywhere to have a break. Urgh....
Sorry for the rant