Attitude to scans - warning rant!

[Lexi mummy]

oh hun sending you massive

i hate to say it but i was one of those people you are talking about. when we had lexi's 20 week scan all i thought about was how i wanted a boy, when she told me i was having a girl i lost all interest in the scan and i actually was sad enough to cry afterwards because i wanted a boy that much. dh wouldnt look at her scan photos or talk about the pregnancy for a good week. it didnt even enter my thoughts that something could be wrong with baby only thing i was concerned about was the sex obviously you can imagine the guilt both me and dh felt when we found out lexi had died. my husband thought he had caused her death because for a while he didnt want her anymore. we were both silly and naive, but we still loved her and really the only reason we wanted a boy was because my sister has boys and dh has 3 brothers all we have both ever known is boys i guess.

i guess a lot of people dont think anything will ever be wrong with their baby. once you have lost a child it makes you see things in such a different light. i too get annoyed with the type of posts you are talking about but then i remember when i was pregnant with lexi the sex was all i could think about. i guess for most women pregnancy is such an exciting time that finding out the sex is just exciting. it should be the same for all of us but its not anymore im afraid x

 

[angelstardust]

Similarly, I get upset with everyone moaning about being over due. How I would have LOVED to just get to my due date!

But, for the majority of people, being pregnant is easy and they can quite happily expect to have a healthy baby at the end of it. Worrying about what could happen just doesn't cross their mind, why would it, you plan to go shopping one day with a load of cash you have been given, you don't get in the car and worry about crashing on the way there.

Those of us who have had a crash will be more likely to get in the car and be frightened right up until we get to the shops and probably think about the airbags a lot.

I can see where you are coming from, it upsets me also, but in the same sence, I am glad that for most people, pregnancy is easy and they can focus on all the good bits rather than worrying.

 

[Tiff]

I was definitely excited on finding out the sex of our baby long before it was due, but I definitely didn't disregard what the 20 weeks scans are for. I had mine done at 18 weeks, because I was having bad pains and ended up going to the hospital. Since I was close enough to my 20 week scan they decided to do the full one at the hospital, rather than sending me home to wait out the 2 weeks until my regular appt.

I can assure you that my main thought was if my baby was okay, but I was still excited at the prospect of finding out if we were Team Pink or Team Blue.

Truthfully I don't think that everyone disregards the importance of the scan. From your past experiences though I totally understand why you'd be frustrated with it.

 

[im_mi]

i can completely understand your frustration, lol78. however i dont think that the majority of girls take their babies' health for granted. And even if they did, can you blame them? it would be great to have that level of positivity. I remember when i was pregnant with my first, i went to the doctors and she explained when the tests and scans etc would happen and she made this huge deal about the scans being to check for problems and that theyre not just an opportunity to see the baby, that they are checking for serious health problems etc and i just kinda felt a little bit upset about that. Of course it had gone through my head that something might be wrong, of course i worried about it and first and foremost in my head was the fact that i wanted my baby to be healthy. however, when you are pregnant there is nothing more exciting than preparing for your baby and if you choose to find out the sex, it can be the real high point in your pregnancy. I know i wouldnt begrudge anyone the joy and excitement of that. just because someone doesnt mention in their post that they hope they have a healthy baby doesnt mean they arent thinking about it.

 

[Sweetie]

I went in for my scan at 19 weeks and I was crying on the way there so scared that baby wouldn't have a heartbeat anymore. It was funny because I wasn't even worried about anything else...

We did choose to find out the sex. The tech wrote it down for us and we opened it together on Valentines day so we made that day more about baby being a boy and the scan day was about seeing that baby was doing ok.

Coincidentally we didn't get all the measurements and the tech asked us to come back as she wanted to get us some better pictures

 

[madasa]

I'm so fed up with seeing posts about anomoly scans where the main focus appears to be finding out the sex of the baby. Does it not ever cross these peoples minds that that is NOT WHAT IT'S ABOUT!!!

I know it's nice to get excited about finding out, but seriously it seems like some people and so damn unaware that the sex is the least important thing and not the purpose. They don't even consider that they may go and something could be seriously wrong. I would love to be so blissfully ignorant.

I think I'm just annoyed there doesn't seem to be any appeciation that they have a healthy baby - it's just taken for granted.

Sorry for rant, I've just had a bad day and this is really beginning to bug me.

I didn't take DS to my anomaly scan for that reason: if they had to give us bad news, I didn;t want him there to see me hear it. And I didn't want DH to have t o take him out of the room and leave me to hear the news alone and without support. So I made arrangements for DS.

It did bug me that everyone assumed I was going to be excited about it and afterwards they asked what did the little one think of seeing his baby bro or sis... All anyone cared about was "what WAS it?" I was thrilled that everything showed up as normal and average and healthy, and didn;t give a monkeys about the gender, everyone else seemed to be the other way round I suppose it's different strokes for differrnt folks...

 

[scaredmum2be]

I actually cant wait for the next scan because i cant wait to see our little one bouncing bout again like it did on the first scan im actually excited to know about the sex of the baby but also to know that theres still a little heartbeat pumping away just to know everything is alright. I think that anyone who has suffered a loss would be very greatful to get great news on the sex of the baby an be lucky they actually get to the next scan.

I never got to see the first scan on my last pregnancy on this pregnancy i did but i more excited to see bubs again.
Of course im scared of possible things could happen to the baby but i wont know until im actually there but i cant go on being scared that something will happen again because all the excitement was sucked out of me on the last pregnancy an its only recently im now 17 weeks that im beginnign to get excited. there cud be a few things wrong with my baby as we speak i wont know until the scan but i try not to think bout it unless i want to sink into depression an i dont need the stress. People shud be tryin to enjoy an make the most of all the scans that they get given through good and bad !! x

 

[alysedelovely]

for me, I always think the worst so when they tell me something I am so happy and relieved. I guess the innocence has been taken out of all of our pregnancies, but at least we are realistic and therefore cautious.


a million hugs to you

 

[Jellyt]

I'm sorry if my comment offended anyone. I'm actually really happy for anyone who can get excited about their scans and I don't assume that just because someone posts excitedly about the sex of their baby that they've not worried about their health and I do see your point wobbles. I'm sorry that you've had a difficult time TTC and I wish everyone here all the luck in the world and if concentrating on the sex helps you get through a worrying time then i'm not one to dispute that, I was just saying how I feel. I guess my comment weas fuelled by someone I personally know who has been a bit insensitive and I probably should have kept my emotions to myself xxx

 

[Drazic<3]

Personally, some peoples responces to scans confuses me too. Before my 13 week - I kept reading about excitement of girls and they didn't understand why I was nervous. Honestly, rather than resenting them I envied them and still hoped with all my heart that they would never find out the hard way, as many of us have done in a scan room, how things can go wrong - I am sure you feel the same. For me, all I do before scans is wish for a heartbeat. Then I can breathe and take in anything else which may come.

Of course I want to find out babies gender when I can, but I am much more interested in being told baby is still growing with a healthy heartbeat, then I can process anything else. As long as baby will survive, everything else is very superficial to me but I can understand if you have been hurt, as we have, then the rules of the game change. It feels different and scary.

Honestly though, I don't think anyone should feel the need to apologise in this thread! It had the rant warning and we all sometimes get upset about different things. Lol said it wasn't aimed at everyone and hell, we are all hormonal! If you need to rant girl go for it, much better than keeping it inside hey? No need for us to fall out about anything

Sending love to you all

 

[Mummy2Asher]

i have to admit with my son i never worried at anything, never doubted that he wouldnt come out kicking and screaming and he did, i was so lucky to have the most perfect pregnancy last time.
for me i knew the 20 week scan would be okay becuase i was getting so many kicks and punches but then i didnt think about other health problems that could occur.
i really think that if people havnt had a loss before they do just assume its all going to be fine xx

 

[BrookieG]

if im being honest i would LOVE to be a women who looks forward to scans for whatever reason, whether it be to see my baby again or find out the sex. Of course every woman wants to know their baby is healthy but like someone else commented when you've not had a bad experience you have the innocence and can be excited. I honestly think the women who write the threads about being excited about their scan to find out the sex are worried deep down but are focusing on the positive because they have maybe never had to deal with a negative experience. Me and my husband had to deal with going for a 12 week scan, excited to see a little baby and seeing nothing but a big black hole....this time round my husband was desparate to find out the sex of Bubs, it never even crossed my mind that he wasnt interested on finding out whether the baby was healthy or not coz he was focusing on the positive and in my honest opinion rightly so. I wish i could be more like that instead of not being able to sleep, being sick, coming out in stress rashes etc because i was going for a scan. When you loose a baby the innocence of pregnancy is swept from under your feet and the first half (in my experience) is the most difficult time you will ever face, when i read the threads about women being excited to find out what team they're on it makes me smile....yeah if im having a bad day i feel a pang of jealousy coz i wish that could be me but im glad that not every woman has to deal with a seriously worrying pregnany coz they havent had a loss, its not something i would wish on anyone....wow ive wrote a novel n will probably be late for work now but i just feel that we shouldnt be angry at women who are excited about finding out whether the baby is or i personally believe that deep down they have the same worries as us its just that these worries havent been shoved to the front of their minds coz they havent experienced what we have. Anyhooo i really better go to work, hope ive not upset or offnded anyone, this is just my personal opinion xx

 

[nicholatmn]

My 20 week scan, I wanted to find out the gender almost more than anything. My reason? Because so far, my baby has made it through further than the past three miscarriages I've had. I believe that this baby is a fighter, and I had hope and belief that this baby would make it through! All 3 of those miscarriages I had, I would have loved to know if they were a boy or girl so I could address them as so. I still talk about all 3. We have always wanted to name them by their gender, but we gave them gender-neutral names since we weren't allowed a DNA test on 2 of them, and one was a chemical.
I don't know if it makes sense to anyone, but I would have loved to say I have x many daughters and x many sons... even if they aren't here. xx

 

[jess_smurf]

I think some people do pay for private scans to find out the gender, so when you see gender scan a lot of the times they only have the scan to find out the gender at 17-18weeks and they wont check anomolies. I think its nice for them to be excited about finding out the sex of their baby and why should they worry about their baby they shouldnt they should be confident that their baby is happy and healthy and i would want to take that away from them because i lost, I was the same when i have scan with kristian, this time i wasnt as eager to find the sex out i waited until they did all the checks first then i asked

 

[Tegans Mama]

Ok I haven't suffered a loss, but I have suffered being told my daughter has a life changing, life threatening and lifelong disability and it pisses me off no end that people go to a scan wanting a certain sex and not thinking that ya know, maybe something could be wrong.

 

[babytots]

Oh sweetie can understand where you are coming from. I was naive when pg with my girls of course I knew the 20 week scan was to check baby was ok and check its organs etc but I still felt to me the sex of the baby was important to me too.

Of course now after my losses I am not naive anymore and just want to have a good scan where baby is showing the right size and everythings ok and if we find out the sex then its a bonus.

I think those who haven't been through a loss just don't think about it as much as ladies who have been through a loss do and are just excited by the prospect of finding out the sex of the baby whereas with us we are excited about the prospect of finding out our baby is healthy.

x

Edited to add my reply was short as i had to go settle my youngest and didnt get chance to write as much as I would have liked.

I would give anything to have the naivety I had with the girls back and the naivety that the ladies who want to find out have now! I hate that every single day I am worrying about my pregnancy and would love to have a pregnancy again where everyday I can get excited about buying things and finding out the sex and all the other things. Instead I am scared of buying anything til baby is here and scared to find out the sex incase I get attached and lose my baby like I did with Jessica. I wake up everyday scared that I will lose my baby that day and would trade my right arm to be able to wake up and not feel that

I can see your point but after reading other peoples messages I agree it is slighty judgemental as some women may just want to focus on the positives rather then the negatives and they know full well that the scan is to check babys well being then to soley find out the sex (which on past experience doesn't happen til the end of the scan anyways). I would love to be able to focus on the positives but I can't x

 

[angelstardust]

I can't remember if I made a big excited post about my 20odd week scan. I probably did, but just because you only talk about being excited the gender, doesn't mean it's all your thinking about.

I didn't mention anything negative to anyone (in real life, there s a few posts on here of how terrified I was) because everyone else was so worried on my behalf. I felt I was the only one happy that I was having another baby and so I had to constantly be positive and excited. My baby deserved to have a mummy who was looking forward to meeting her, not worrying about her dying or being born in Holland (https://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html)

So even though to everyone I looked excited and happy, inside I was utterly terrified of never seeing my baby girl or even staying alive to see my boys grow up.

Still, I wouldn't deny anyone their chance of being excited about being pregnant just because I have had bad things happen to me. I seriously love hearing peoples stories about a boring run of the mill pregnancy and birth.

 

[madasa]

I have a scan on Monday and I am dreading it. I don't want to go. Making myself get excited about seeing LO again and maybe getting another picture (we only have one, from 12wks) is just how I am coping with it.

But still.... I'd rather everything was just considered "normal, low risk" so I could not-have this scan.

 

[carrieanne]

i have to agree i was so nervous ive had 3 mc and this pregnancy has been no walk in the park i had to have an emergency scan due to bloody discharge at 7+3 then at 10 weeks they found the babies intestines were outside in the umblilical cord a huge marker for edwards had to go for weekly scan for 3 weeks and the day we went for the cvs it had gone in we couldnt believe it we went for my nt scan the next day and the nuchal measurement was 2.7 which is the high end end of normal and 1 in 47 for down but with my bloods it was 1 in 294 but having the 20 week scan i have to admit i really thought they would find something wrong but luckly hes perfect having find out what we were having was just a bonus i think if you havent been in our shoes you cant comprehend how we feel and they think everything will be ok when in reality its not allways ok xx just realised that was a bit of a ramble sorry !

 

[tiggerlix]

i am also sooo nervous about my 20 wk scan in 2 weeks,and i have lost a baby at 15 weeks,was 14 yrs ago but that worry never leaves you.I very much want to know the sex more so for buying purposes as i dont think you can get many nuetrul clothing as you used to.Im also wanting to know the spine and brain is ok more than anything
xxxx