Attitudes to AP/NP in Baby Club...

[CouldThisBeIt]

I saw the same kind of thing on another major parenting forum (mentioning no names) and the AP amongst the group were absolutely demonized. We ended up leaving and forming a small group of our own. We're still together-just 12 of us-six years later.

But like a train wreck, having read this thread I can't help but go and have a look in there now

 

[jen1604]

Do you think it might just be because there are SO many people in baby club so more of a mix of personalities/opinions where as in here we are just really a tiny group (compared to baby club) so arguments happen less?
Just an idea

 

[littlestar85]

CouldThisBeIt that's great that you all stuck together as a group! I don't know any other AP/NP mums IRL so this forum is the only place I get to talk about it really. I can only chew DH's ear off so much, lol!

Do you think it might just be because there are SO many people in baby club so more of a mix of personalities/opinions where as in here we are just really a tiny group (compared to baby club) so arguments happen less?
Just an idea

^Definitely true. It's just frustrating that with it being such a large diverse group there isn't an all-round level of tolerance.

x

 

[ellie]

I sometimes have a look in there these days just to see what people are rowing about mostly its the same old stuff it seems!
I did enjoy being in there more when LO was tiny and I did learn a lot, not only about development but different methods of doing things, and I think it was from reading lots of that that I decided how I 'didn't' want to do things if that makes sense. Even then though I dont remember starting a huge number of threads in there, I expect there were more in here / BF
There does look to be a bit of a 'backlash' (not sure if thats a right word) from 'non AP' mummies - dont know what else to call it, I don't like Mainstream actually as I feel like AP/NP should NOT be in the minority and mainstream sounds like we're wierd or something! - But maybe thats part of the point, if we go in there and say how we do things some people feel they have to justify how right they are by telling us how wrong/high and mighty etc we are.

Lightworker I scanned through that thread last night (after it got locked) and I kinda knew what you meant and agreed with your first post but could see how much everyone who is "mainstream" (for want of a better word) would jump on the defensive. So many people in BC are so overly defensive and almost like they are looking for things to jump on when anyone says they do things differently, it makes me wonder how uncertain they must feel about their own parenting that they feel the need to justify it by putting other styles like AP/NP down or saying we are "on our high horses" or whatever, whatever the hell that might mean...


I gotta say - and I really dont mean this to offend anyone - but since going back to work I can look at stuff in there and really dont give a toss, since I have no brain-space (or time to devote to online bickering with strangers who wont budge on their views anyway) - but I remember when I was off work I would really get concerned about it all and get involved. If you are at home (and I know SAHMS are busy) with a new baby maybe you have less other stuff to concern yourself with so it becomes more important to get your views across and try to change people's minds and get involved in the arguments etc.
Sorry, I know lots in here are SAHMs and probably dont feel like that, I know what I mean in my own head

 

[emsy]

i feel it ! i posted a thread the other day as i was upset about my families support and comments on my parenting choices and in hind sight i should have posted in here. it prompted the 'come and join us if your the same as us thread' i felt as if i was in the wrong for posting in the first place.

 

[ellie]

emsy - repost it in here if you want! this def seems a better place for support on AP-related parenting choices. I found often the only advice in bc is usually about having a routine or letting them cry

 

[lindsayscoob]

I tend to read the debates in there, and pick and choose the other threads I read!! Love it in here though, although I tend to lurk more than post!!

 

[CouldThisBeIt]

Littlestar-like minded support is so important! The ladies I still share a group with are just awesome and are great support for pregnancy issues too. I've seen them go through many pregnancies and smaller children, and they are a wealth of information. I'm still new to this group here, didn't find it till real nappy week but it's nice to see so many British APers since I've moved back here now.

Ellie, I fully agree. It's such a shame when what seems the most natural thing in the world to me is so foreign to so many. I have a friend who I have distanced myself from since she got pregnant, because she was out getting drunk every weekend, smoked all through pregnancy, and the way that she talks to that baby! He's six months old, failure to thrive, severe reflux, and when he cries all she says is "shut the f*&% up, I've had enough of your whining," before stuffing the dummy back in his mouth. And this is in public, on the school playground (for our older DDs) so I hate to think what she's like at home. And no one blinks an eye, like it's normal. Horrifying.

Emsy-forget about family support. I hate to say it but it seems to be the way with AP. That said, there are so many things you can do to make life easier on yourself, but most of it comes down to confidence. Don't take any crap from anyone else! ETA-repost it yes! Maybe there are AP things that would help you a little?

 

[Thumper]

emsy - repost it in here if you want! this def seems a better place for support on AP-related parenting choices. I found often the only advice in bc is usually about having a routine or letting them cry

Or for boasting that your LO sleeps through the night, moaning about HV (ignore them if they're that bad!), or having a go at MIL. At risk of sounding awful it is the fat baby threads that got me. But I recognise that my views won't echo anyone else's.

I think it's the same as the various stages of pregnancy, third tri was all about labour signs. The same posts keep getting repeated with the new posters coming in.

I agree that there are so many people in BC that there will be so many contrasting views and opinions. Along with some parents that obviously feel that they're being criticised. This is the case in the 'come join me if you do this' thread. That was a bit daft.

I think I've 'outgrown' it. But it was useful. As a pp said I kind of learnt how I didn't want to do things!

 

[Tegans Mama]

I've never posted a thread in BC but I don't feel I belong in here either really apart from some co sleeping and cloth nappies? We would LOVE to ERF but it's impossible for us (T's legs don't bend in the right way ) and the same goes with slings - she isn't anatomically suitable. I tried to BF but failed.

Those with older babies I really feel toddler's is a BIT friendlier, but won't be for much longer since the new generation is growing up and moving over

 

[ellie]

thats an interesting point tegans mama, i had been in the toddler bit a bit more but yeah there will be some moving in there from BC, it will be interesting to see whether it changes or just the fact that you have a toddler not a baby and everything that comes with that makes people a bit less, um, gung-ho ?

 

[CouldThisBeIt]

It might be in part that there's less controversial decisions to make. No more discussions of circumcision and CIO and so on.

 

[buttonnose82]

with over 140,000 members there are bound too be a huge range of different parenting styles across the boards, there are fewer arguments/upsets in this section but that is more due too the fact it is targeted more at a certain style of parenting where as baby club is open too ALL parenting styles.

I think, the cause of alot of the upset in baby club is more down too peoples way with words rather than their chosen parenting styles, as parent, we are very protective of our children and very defensive of our chosen parenting styles, nobody is 'right' and nobody is 'wrong' it is all about what works best for you, your child and your family at the end of the day, and noone should judge anyone else on that

 

[Lightworker]

Littlestar- yep exactly that. I was in a state trying to alter the wording (doh! I am clearly socially inept with words) to suit people's sensitivities and I never got a chance to clearly explain what I meant. If I had explained properly alot of people would not have felt the way they do. I think everyone is on the starting line just ready to pounce

 

[Pikkle]

I have never been in there, but just had a look and don't think its the right place for me. I shall stay here!

Although, I'm not smug, on my high horse or anything (I don't think) I just base everything on a fully informed decision, in the best interest of my kids and their health, and would only offer advice based on knowledge and accurate research, not because I am being smug, but because I am trying to be helpful!

 

[Eala]

Whether it's down to hormones or whatever, tempers are shorter in Baby Club. So yes, people are more sensitive. Particularly as new parents, it's very easy to feel like you are being criticised. Which is where word choice comes in.

As Buttonnose has raised, if people feel like they are getting flack, and getting told they are smug or holier-than-thou, perhaps they need to look at how they are posting? It takes two groups to make things into a "them and us" scenario. Too often, I've seen people from both sides basically saying "If you don't do things my way then you don't care for your child". Oh, it might be danced around and not said in those exact words, but it's very much implied. Which is obviously going to get anyone's back up. It's so much easier (and kinder) to just say "Well, X, Y and Z didn't work for me, we did A,B and C, so maybe you could try that?" Rather than "I could NEVER do X, Y, or Z, it's so selfish!" or "I don't understand why people do X,Y or Z, it's just making excuses" and so on.

Edited to clarify what I meant.

 

[buttonnose82]

Eala can you please be my brain for the day? you put into words pretty much what I was trying too say but better lol

 

[lozzy21]

Some times it is just the way people word things but some people just seem to think if you do it differently your attacking their parenting choices. Iv had convosations with girls from this forum allthough not on the forum that has litertaly gone when talking about car seats, me saying "we have chosen to go ERF"
"why?"
"studdies show its safer than FF"
"Oh so im careless cos im going FF?"

Some people just like to argue and have a go at any one who does things differently.

 

[Kate&Lucas]

I think, the cause of alot of the upset in baby club is more down too peoples way with words rather than their chosen parenting styles, as parent, we are very protective of our children and very defensive of our chosen parenting styles, nobody is 'right' and nobody is 'wrong' it is all about what works best for you, your child and your family at the end of the day, and noone should judge anyone else on that

Couldn't agree more.

I think a lot of it could be that there have been judgemental and 'holier than thou' postings in there (or even on other parenting forums) causing upset and offence, so people instantly get their backs up and are more likely to take things the wrong way. Also, call me crazy, but starting a thread in an area of the forum where you know about 99% of the replies will be from people taking offence and/or starting an argument, might not be the smartest idea? I'm all for freedom of speech, but if you're going to get all bent about the reaction maybe post somewhere more suitable?

I had a nose in there last night and honestly some of the posts shocked me. Since when did becoming a parent qualify us to instruct others how to parent?

 

[sausages]

Eala, you are so right. 9 times out of 10 i try really hard to type in an inoffensive way. I think that one time i didn't read it through properly before posting and before i knew it i had a legion of "how very dare you!" posters all up in my grill, which of course did nothing more than put me straight on the defensive.

People should try hard to think through what they're typing, but equally, people should try to not be so sensitive about what a person says. When someone doesn't think their first post through that causes an OMG! and a emotive not as well thought out response, which means the first poster also gets defensive and even less likely to see straight and put the required level of forethought into their post and so on and so forth. It's a nasty spiraling out of control situation sometimes.

Meh, people are not robots and usually only get emotional because they care. Whether it's care for the children or the mummy they're giving advice for, or caring for the person who's currently being dogpiled. It just gets lost in translation a bit at times.