Attitudes to AP/NP in Baby Club...

[Mum2b_Claire]

Yes I agree, just when I thought there was more and more AP type parents in baby club, there seems to have been some kind of backlash.

I don't know HOW many times someone has accused me of accusing them of being a bad mother. And apparently I'm smug because I don't leave my baby to cry! Okaaaaaay

 

[ellie]

I agree with Lozzy and Claire ....
I try really really hard to word posts really carefully and almost never say anything I think might be 'controversial' or deliberately upsetting. Because of that I sincerely believe that if people take offence to what I am saying it is becauase of their own issues or attitude, not because I have worded things wrongly, and I can't do anything about that
Saying that I only remember a handful of times where people have openly argued / stropped about what I have said, I think i got a bit careless on one thread once because I couldnt be bothered trying to pussyfoot around people anymore and someone accused me of "having a dig" when I wasnt at all, it was what they chose to perceive from what I wrote. Some people really do go looking for things to upset them or presume that anyone who says they do things differently is having a direct personal go at them (Like claire, I'm sure Ive been part of threads where its gone Me: "my baby wakes up loads at night" others: "we did CC and its the best thing we ever did, my baby is happy and has no problems at all" Me: "I could never let my baby cry" others: "oh get off your high horse, I had to let my baby cry because of x y z and we are both happy so how dare you tell me I am a bad mother" Me: )
In those cases, I really do think it's the reader's problem, not the writer's, if the writing is careful.
One of the FB pages I am on has a disclaimer that if anyone ever writes anything like "you are a bad mother because..." or "oh, so you are saying I am a bad mother are you?" they are banned! Bit harsh for somewhere like bnb perhaps but I thought the point was good!

it even happens with talk of nappies fgs ... someone from NP "I hate sposies / I love cloth" other "I use sposies, are you saying I dont care about my child"

Lets be honest though, when you have just had a baby who is capable of being so thoroughly careful and considerate at all times?

 

[JA1988]

This is all very true, I have gone to write several replies over in baby club and in the end I didn't bother as even if I tried to word it carefully, there would still be someone who takes offence. I have just decided that if there is something over that I disagree with or am shocked by, I'm best to just keep my mouth shut. I have to say though that I do disagree with a lot of what is written in baby club, especially petty threads that are bound to cause gang mentality (the thread I am referring to has already been mentioned in this thread).

Anyway I am rambling now but I guess I have just decided that natural parenting is where I feel most able to post something without getting my head bitten off and this is also where I am most likely to get a reply that is relevant to my parenting style. I actually posted a thread in baby club the other day about my 5 and a half month old who still has dire sleeping habits and still breastfeeds constantly but the only replies I got were suggestions to introduce routine, cry it out etc so none were really relevant. Perhaps I should repost here! xx

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

People also give others rather a lot of power IMO - it's constantly 'you made me feel X' or 'you made me feel Y' I'm not being funny, but if you are confident you aren't X or Y then how an earth can someone (espec a stranger on the internet) MAKE you feel it?

 

[Lightworker]

The problem is, as it was rightly pointed out, there so many personalities in there and not everything will suit everyone. I try my hardest to be tactful, and my intentions are never bad, but obviously sometimes I may not have thought thoroughly, or felt, that my posts would upset people (as unbelievable as that may be) . What gets me is even when people try to make amends, moms still want to punish you - its like they want to remain angry at things.

 

[lozzy21]

People also give others rather a lot of power IMO - it's constantly 'you made me feel X' or 'you made me feel Y' I'm not being funny, but if you are confident you aren't X or Y then how an earth can someone (espec a stranger on the internet) MAKE you feel it?

Exactly, No one can force you to feel an emotion, they may do something that brings on that responce but for you to feel an emotion you need to have allready have some issue with it.

 

[Lightworker]

People also give others rather a lot of power IMO - it's constantly 'you made me feel X' or 'you made me feel Y' I'm not being funny, but if you are confident you aren't X or Y then how an earth can someone (espec a stranger on the internet) MAKE you feel it?

I think a while ago, a mom said that very same thing about not being able to make anyone feel anything, and she was quickly shot down because they said it was BS.

 

[ellie]

People also give others rather a lot of power IMO - it's constantly 'you made me feel X' or 'you made me feel Y' I'm not being funny, but if you are confident you aren't X or Y then how an earth can someone (espec a stranger on the internet) MAKE you feel it?

This really annoys me, though of course it happens a lot in life not just on here. If you are not aware of your own thoughts/beliefs about something, like your parenting for example, perhaps it's easy for a comment from someone else (no matter how it was intentioned) to 'push that trigger'. Of course if that person has intended to upset you, thats one thing, but its not generally very likely on an internet forum with so many members who are strangers. If they havent, I still think that the reader needs to be a bit more aware of themselves if they are having a reaction to something they read. I get upset by some things I read but I rarely blame the words for that, I know why those things upset me and I know it is way more useful for me to think about that rather than reacting/blaming the person who wrote the words, that is way too simplistic if you ask me. So that's why it annoys me, because the blame gets put on the person who wrote it and they are told to "be more sensitive". Its certainly not "BS" to say that no one can "make" you feel anything, others can trigger a feeling in you but its the individual's response. I find though that those of us who are into AP etc tend to be of that view. It kind of annoys me when someone reacts to e.g. someone saying that CIO has been shown to have a negative effect on a baby's developing brain (which is a FACT) and you just dont want to hear that, fine you can dismiss that information as it doesnt fit with what you do, but it annoys me when that person then blames whoever posted that for 'making them upset' or 'making them feel bad'. Now that's BS!

Sorry but this is meant to be an informational/support forum is it not? Therefore I fail to see why writing things about, say, AP or the benefits of cloth nappies, is being insensitive to people who may not have thought about using those things? Like someone else says, it seems very acceptable for advice to include (e.g.) CIO/CC, smacking, time outs etc, but not co sleeping, baby wearing, AP, gentle discipline etc. Is that not others being insensitive to us, to suggest those things?

 

[Hayley90]

i can honestly say in all my time here i cant remember a time when someone in BC has upset me, a few of the girls in there are really lovely.

HOWEVER.

I find that personally i am more level headed / objective about things. Like yesterday on the circ thread inthere... someone posted something about jabs in the circ thread.... it was along the lines of not wanting their kids to feel pain, so someone said 'oh so you dont vax then?' innocently... everyone else would have leapt on them for it, so i explained what they meant.

Sometimes people are too quick to jump when they need to step back, ignore their own point of view and be objective... NPers aswell.

Id never tell anyone that FF was 'disgusting' or that jabs were 'poison' but i have read it here, and its not fair on anyone - on the people who do those things who are insulted by an awful choice of adjective, and also on those who dont do those things, but who get tarred with the high-horse brush. x

 

[Hayley90]

Also... its not just NP-related stuff either. Im sick of the work debate, and if i hear one more person tell me that i am neglectful, or am 'choosing to leave my child' i might scream

So its not just NP-ers that feel the brunt in there, unfortunately

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

ellie - well you would think so wouldn't you. I think the very worst one (for me anyway) is people saying you shouldn't talk about ERF unless someone has very specifically asked the question, just in case someone who uses a FF seat gets 'made to feel like a bad mum'. I'm sorry, but babys' safety is more important than a mums feelings!

 

[Hayley90]

ellie - well you would think so wouldn't you. I think the very worst one (for me anyway) is people saying you shouldn't talk about ERF unless someone has very specifically asked the question, just in case someone who uses a FF seat gets 'made to feel like a bad mum'. I'm sorry, but babys' safety is more important than a mums feelings!

thats like saying no one can talk about giving birth, as EMCS mums will feel bad. or breastfeeding at risk of hurting the FFers... lets all just put plugs in our ears, blindfolds over our eyes and be un-offended shall we

That is laughable at best

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

I've honestly been there with a particular person in BC at least twice. I lecture and ram things down peoples throats, I force people to read stuff, my god in person I am actually not at all pushy, but I hate sugar coating and pussy footing around people who refuse to take responsibility for their own emotions and issues!

 

[Hayley90]

I've honestly been there with a particular person in BC at least twice. I lecture and ram things down peoples throats, I force people to read stuff, my god in person I am actually not at all pushy, but I hate sugar coating and pussy footing around people who refuse to take responsibility for their own emotions and issues!

love this!!!! you are like me, but better

 

[sausages]

It's sad because the only way i know about a lot of my NP choices is through reading debates and threads in forums. If people were forced to keep quiet out of fear for being labelled as being pushy or getting up on their high horse, then how are new parents going to find out about things?

 

[Mum2b_Claire]

Exactly sausages. A former member of here introduced me to a lot of things / ways to do things, but she was constantly being shot down really horribly by others.
If you don't know about something, you don't know to ask about it, do you? Sometimes just giving out the info when it hasn't necessarily been asked for, is really valuable.

 

[ellie]

No we should all keep quiet!
The way I found out about things like BLW, ERF, baby wearing was through threads on BnB, probably debates which led me to think I wanted to find out more about certain things and less about other things I'd never heard of them otherwise and probably wouldnt have if people hadnt been thoughtful enough to raise them on threads for the benefit of people like me. So, thanks!

Hayley - I'm with you on the work one - and yes sometimes I do feel guilty / sad etc for leaving my LO to go to work, but I have my own reasons and I am happy with them, so I don't react to people who make comments about that kind of thing. If, though, I (for exmaple) didnt want to go to work and felt awful but needed the money or something, it may well upset me more. But even then I wouldnt necessarily blame the person writing the words (they are just words, after all) unless they were directly saying to me personally "you are a terrible mother for abandoning your child and going to work" etc. Which MIL does occasionally .... but thats different!

I think it would be a shame though if people who have so much knowledge about "different" or "marginalised" styles of parenting stayed away from "mainstream" boards becaues of fear of backlash, because then new people wouldnt get to hear about them.

 

[Hayley90]

Hayley - I'm with you on the work one - and yes sometimes I do feel guilty / sad etc for leaving my LO to go to work, but I have my own reasons and I am happy with them, so I don't react to people who make comments about that kind of thing. If, though, I (for exmaple) didnt want to go to work and felt awful but needed the money or something, it may well upset me more. But even then I wouldnt necessarily blame the person writing the words (they are just words, after all) unless they were directly saying to me personally "you are a terrible mother for abandoning your child and going to work" etc. Which MIL does occasionally .... but thats different!

exactly... thats what i meant by being objective about it, its incredibly hard to upset me on here I can look from everyones POV without taking everything personally, which seems to be a limited quality on here I still love it though, and BC can be incredibly funny at times, there are some lovely girls in amongst the bunch

 

[Lightworker]

Sorry OT- but on the "you're making me feel.." issue, my DD1 was upset that she smiled at someone and they ignored her, and she said I feel upset. I told her the person was probably tired or ill, but that she should always know she is a special, wonderful person and we love her. Its weird trying to explain it to a child, but I understand it cause I spent a huge chunk of my life blaming others for my feelings. Sorry for going OT! x

 

[buttonnose82]

but people can say their opinions without being so harsh & pushy ..... everyone has their own opinion on things and it is nice too see other peoples opinions but it is the way some people go about it (in all different parenting styles) that causes problems! Sometimes we all just need too think outside the box and think before we type because words on a screen can be interpreted in alot of different ways and not always as they were meant too be, words can hurt

no sole parenting method is better than another