Back to WTT I go...

[cdejdemommy]

Well, yesterday was a hard day and I made a really tough decision but ultimately I think it's the right one.
As much as I would love a new baby in my life right now, I've come to the realization that it's just not feasible.
My husband works outrageous hours Monday - Friday, 14 hour days. I'm here with the kids by myself on most days and right now my sister is living with me. She has a 19.5 month old son that I baby sit while she works.
I'm overloaded and stressed. Yesterday my sister and I went to go eat and the boys were horrible. They both had attitudes, they wouldn't eat their food and when we were leaving Christian (my oldest) started running all over the place and jumping into booths, then Daniel followed his lead. I was so frazzled, embarrassed and just outright DONE for the day... and it was only lunch time.

I just don't think I can do 3 right now. I feel like my life is my kids and while I've always relished that fact, I'm now starting to see that I do need my own time, my own thoughts, and to take care of myself physically and mentally.

We WILL have 4 children, eventually, I just don't think the timing is right, right now. My wish is that my husband can find a good paying job where he can be home no later than 5:00 p.m. every evening so he can help with the kids and we can relax together. I also think that both of the boys being in school when I have the next baby is a good idea. I never wanted kids back to back. I always wanted to space them out about 3 years or so. Daniel (youngest) will be 3 in October so technically the next baby that I have, even if I found out I was pregnant this month, would fall into that criteria but now that Daniel is getting older and gaining more independence and not in my hair as much, I'm seriously re-thinking whether or not I want to go back to the newborn stage so soon!

I love my boys. I'm happy I had them the way I did - 14 months apart because they make perfect playmates (although they do fight a lot too) but I think I want to enjoy them a bit longer before we throw another one in the mix.

I had this problem while WTT. I went back and forth, back and forth. These past 6 months have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. DH is on board with whatever I want. It takes the pressure off of him somewhat b/c he knows he'd have to be providing for 3 kids and me and he'd never be home to see us or help out.

I'm totally bummed right now. But I also feel like I need to go with my head here and not my heart.
We are going to see how we feel in early Fall and if we're still not ready then we'll probably start TTC again in Jan. of 2011.

This is hard but I'm trying to take my mind off of it and focus on the positives:

• I get to go back to drinking REAL coffee again, not half-caff garbage.
• I'm going to start doing Zumba every Tuesday night and get my body in shape.

• I'm going to spend this time getting my body in perfect condition for conceiving when we are finally ready.
• I can go out and have a drink with friends every now and then and not worry.
• I won't have to stare at that stupid BFN line every month.
• We can go on summer vacation without me worrying if I'm going to be sick with morning sickness or fatigued.
• We have more time and $$$ to work on remodeling projects around the house.
• I can focus on my DS's growth and development, help my oldest adjust to preschool in the Fall and my youngest to adjust to Mom's Day Out around the same time.
• More time to read.
• Enjoy my sleep!

 

[Dinah]

Wow that is quite the rollercoaster you've been on hon! Take care of yourself and keep repeating those positives to yourself. I'll look forward to chatting to you on WTT but hopefully not too long for either of us in the end.

Take care and enjoy those boys! (when they are behaving )
- Dinah

 

[AreIn83]

I think that you have valid reasons for wanting to wait. Sometimes we get so sucked into something we want, we fail to see the entire outcome. Good for you!

 

[cdejdemommy]

Thanks Dinah & AreIn83. It's a really hard decision for me to make for some reason! I'm very reluctant on having a 3rd mostly because some days with the boys are just so HARD that I can't possibly think about how it would be if I threw a 3rd one in the mix!

I think I'll just "Know" when the time comes, you know what I mean? I've been trying to fool myself for a couple of months now into thinking that I knew the time was right but if I back up and take a real good look at it, I can see where I just made it look right.

My husband works from 7:30 a.m. - 9:00 p.m. every day Monday - Friday so the week days with my boys are hard. He doesn't see that. He gets to come home to them running up to him, giving him a hug, he brushes their teeth and tucks them in - repeats the cycle the next day. I don't want that. I don't want the only time our children getting see their Daddy is right before bed time and on the weekends. I know this is more time than some but it just doesn't feel right to me. Not to mention we are in a heap of debt right now and I have no desire to dig any deeper!

Ultimately, I know we're gonna get there, we're just not "there" yet.

 

[Dinah]

Oh don't worry I'm right there with you on two points - I don't think children should only see Daddy just before bedtime Not good for kiddiwinks or Daddy imho so if there is a way to improve that (him looking for new job etc) then def a good idea to at least try before #3

We also have debts to sort out so that is our main reason really for putting off a little longer. We won't be debt free but hopefully we'll be that much more manageable by July.

Anyway take care and chat to you soon,
Dinah

 

[amym]

Well done you - not easy to admit that you made a mistake - lots of people woudl be too proud to! I'm sure you'll be back when the time is really right!!

Best of luck with everything xx