Well, yesterday was a hard day and I made a really tough decision but ultimately I think it's the right one. As much as I would love a new baby in my life right now, I've come to the realization that it's just not feasible. My husband works outrageous hours Monday - Friday, 14 hour days. I'm here with the kids by myself on most days and right now my sister is living with me. She has a 19.5 month old son that I baby sit while she works. I'm overloaded and stressed. Yesterday my sister and I went to go eat and the boys were horrible. They both had attitudes, they wouldn't eat their food and when we were leaving Christian (my oldest) started running all over the place and jumping into booths, then Daniel followed his lead. I was so frazzled, embarrassed and just outright DONE for the day... and it was only lunch time. I just don't think I can do 3 right now. I feel like my life is my kids and while I've always relished that fact, I'm now starting to see that I do need my own time, my own thoughts, and to take care of myself physically and mentally. We WILL have 4 children, eventually, I just don't think the timing is right, right now. My wish is that my husband can find a good paying job where he can be home no later than 5:00 p.m. every evening so he can help with the kids and we can relax together. I also think that both of the boys being in school when I have the next baby is a good idea. I never wanted kids back to back. I always wanted to space them out about 3 years or so. Daniel (youngest) will be 3 in October so technically the next baby that I have, even if I found out I was pregnant this month, would fall into that criteria but now that Daniel is getting older and gaining more independence and not in my hair as much, I'm seriously re-thinking whether or not I want to go back to the newborn stage so soon! I love my boys. I'm happy I had them the way I did - 14 months apart because they make perfect playmates (although they do fight a lot too) but I think I want to enjoy them a bit longer before we throw another one in the mix. I had this problem while WTT. I went back and forth, back and forth. These past 6 months have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. DH is on board with whatever I want. It takes the pressure off of him somewhat b/c he knows he'd have to be providing for 3 kids and me and he'd never be home to see us or help out. I'm totally bummed right now. But I also feel like I need to go with my head here and not my heart. We are going to see how we feel in early Fall and if we're still not ready then we'll probably start TTC again in Jan. of 2011. This is hard but I'm trying to take my mind off of it and focus on the positives: I get to go back to drinking REAL coffee again, not half-caff garbage. I'm going to start doing Zumba every Tuesday night and get my body in shape. I'm going to spend this time getting my body in perfect condition for conceiving when we are finally ready. I can go out and have a drink with friends every now and then and not worry. I won't have to stare at that stupid BFN line every month. We can go on summer vacation without me worrying if I'm going to be sick with morning sickness or fatigued. We have more time and $$$ to work on remodeling projects around the house. I can focus on my DS's growth and development, help my oldest adjust to preschool in the Fall and my youngest to adjust to Mom's Day Out around the same time. More time to read. Enjoy my sleep!