Breast is not best, language, guilt and lactivism musings

[Missy86]

Anyone know where I can get a " I laboured for 26 hours and got to 9cms before I had to have a c section" blinkie

 

[mia_leacey]

Woah. I've stepped away from this thread for a few days as it was upsetting me that I couldn't seem to make my point understood and it seemed that I was just upsetting others. (Not my intention!) But since I've been gone things have just gone stratospheric!

i get a little tired of having to "accept" that as a formula feeder that I shouldn't feel proud or happy that my daughter is on formula- (i'm not proud that I FF but thats not the point) Its insinuated that I was uneducated when I made my "choice" to FF and that my daughter is doomed to a lifetime of not "quite" making the grade like her BF peers because of my uneducated decision.

And yes i did try my best- but it doesn't mean that gives me any solace.

and you wonder why we feel guilt when we fail. I do hope hope for your sake that you are never humbled or brought as low as I have been because a parenting "choice".

I'm getting a little tired of having to explain that imo you SHOULD feel happy and proud that your daughter is thriving. I'm sure that you made a totally informed and educated choice and did the best for you and your family.

Look the fact that the majority of women *want* to BF when they have a baby means that the message is getting through. But what everyone is fighting against is a whole generation (our mothers) who didn't BF. How can 50 years of misinformation be corrected in 5 minutes. I agree- there needs to be better support - but there has to be some understanding- making those 90% of women who gave up before they wanted to feel like utter shit- is really not the answer- I tell you now because of all the grief on line and IRL that i have gotten about not breastfeeding- to say that I am ambivalent about BF next time is an understatement.

Edited to add- and from my experience it would be nice if there was a bit more support to get through the grieving process if BF is too hard to establish- Personally I had a million cheerleaders when i was trying to establish BF and 1 person who threw me a life line when it went to shit.

Yes! Exactly! It's this. This ^ is what I was arguing in the first place.

Why is motherhood so competitive? I wondered if 'Breast is BEST' as a statement compounded the competitive element. I wondered if there was a way that the issue could be represented so that it wasn't a competition. But the more I read, the more I think that that utopia will never be achieved. We're not fighting 'Breast is Best', we're fighting human / female nature. And that makes me very sad

 

[Liesje]

Anyone know where I can get a " I laboured for 26 hours and got to 9cms before I had to have a c section" blinkie

Anyone know where I can get an "I'm so awesome, the way my kid popped out of me is very low on my list of accomplishments" blinkie?

 

[summer rain]

Anyone know where I can get a " I laboured for 26 hours and got to 9cms before I had to have a c section" blinkie

Anyone know where I can get an "I'm so awesome, the way my kid popped out of me is very low on my list of accomplishments" blankie?

Possibly etsy a lot of homemade blankets on there, you can even get it custom embroidered (and yes I know blankie is a typo!) xx

 

[Liesje]

Anyone know where I can get a " I laboured for 26 hours and got to 9cms before I had to have a c section" blinkie

Anyone know where I can get an "I'm so awesome, the way my kid popped out of me is very low on my list of accomplishments" blankie?

Possibly etsy a lot of homemade blankets on there, you can even get it custom embroidered (and yes I know blankie is a typo!) xx

LOL oops... autocorrect... Well now I want it on a blankie too!

 

[Missy86]

haha blankie

 

[DLA]

whoa just got caught up on this thread.

Wanted to add about the IQ thing, more recent studies suggest that there isn't a link between BFing and a higher IQ. The health benefits however are undeniable.

Also in terms of "personal achievement", I think it's just that, personal. I delivered vaginally and I was pretty proud of myself. That being said, I don't think anyone should feel "less proud" for having a c section. I was proud of myself simply because for 9 months, I was terrified and didn't think I would be able to handle the pain. I was also certain that my body would "fail to progress" and I would end up with a c section (which I did not want simply because I HATE surgery). So I was thrilled that neither of those happen. I will take the credit for getting through the pain but as for the other, I think I have to say I was just lucky. DOn't think it was necessarily anything I did (although the pushing was freaking hard!), but still I consider myself lucky. What one woman considers an achievement, that other may not. I am extremely proud of myself that even though my son would not latch, I exclusively pumped until he was 4.5 months old. THat was one of the most difficult things I've ever done and although I still feel badly that BFing went so bad after I had my heart set on it, no one can take that away from me. Maybe another woman who exclusively pumped thinks it's not big deal, because maybe it wasn't for her. But for ME, it was a big deal and something to be proud of. I still feel guilt for having to stop pumping when I went back to work and not giving my son breastmilk for the 12 months, which is what I had hoped for. Oh well, motherhood and guilt are apparently synonomous.

 

[Missy86]

whoa just got caught up on this thread.

Wanted to add about the IQ thing, more recent studies suggest that there isn't a link between BFing and a higher IQ. The health benefits however are undeniable.

Also in terms of "personal achievement", I think it's just that, personal. I delivered vaginally and I was pretty proud of myself. That being said, I don't think anyone should feel "less proud" for having a c section. I was proud of myself simply because for 9 months, I was terrified and didn't think I would be able to handle the pain. I was also certain that my body would "fail to progress" and I would end up with a c section (which I did not want simply because I HATE surgery). So I was thrilled that neither of those happen. I will take the credit for getting through the pain but as for the other, I think I have to say I was just lucky. DOn't think it was necessarily anything I did (although the pushing was freaking hard!), but still I consider myself lucky. What one woman considers an achievement, that other may not. I am extremely proud of myself that even though my son would not latch, I exclusively pumped until he was 4.5 months old. THat was one of the most difficult things I've ever done and although I still feel badly that BFing went so bad after I had my heart set on it, no one can take that away from me. Maybe another woman who exclusively pumped thinks it's not big deal, because maybe it wasn't for her. But for ME, it was a big deal and something to be proud of. I still feel guilt for having to stop pumping when I went back to work and not giving my son breastmilk for the 12 months, which is what I had hoped for. Oh well, motherhood and guilt are apparently synonomous.

I was very proud of myself because I got to 8cms with no pain relief and I am also proud that I am gonna have another crack at bf even though I fricking hate it

 

[DLA]

whoa just got caught up on this thread.

Wanted to add about the IQ thing, more recent studies suggest that there isn't a link between BFing and a higher IQ. The health benefits however are undeniable.

Also in terms of "personal achievement", I think it's just that, personal. I delivered vaginally and I was pretty proud of myself. That being said, I don't think anyone should feel "less proud" for having a c section. I was proud of myself simply because for 9 months, I was terrified and didn't think I would be able to handle the pain. I was also certain that my body would "fail to progress" and I would end up with a c section (which I did not want simply because I HATE surgery). So I was thrilled that neither of those happen. I will take the credit for getting through the pain but as for the other, I think I have to say I was just lucky. DOn't think it was necessarily anything I did (although the pushing was freaking hard!), but still I consider myself lucky. What one woman considers an achievement, that other may not. I am extremely proud of myself that even though my son would not latch, I exclusively pumped until he was 4.5 months old. THat was one of the most difficult things I've ever done and although I still feel badly that BFing went so bad after I had my heart set on it, no one can take that away from me. Maybe another woman who exclusively pumped thinks it's not big deal, because maybe it wasn't for her. But for ME, it was a big deal and something to be proud of. I still feel guilt for having to stop pumping when I went back to work and not giving my son breastmilk for the 12 months, which is what I had hoped for. Oh well, motherhood and guilt are apparently synonomous.

I was very proud of myself because I got to 8cms with no pain relief and I am also proud that I am gonna have another crack at bf even though I fricking hate it

I got to 7cm! If I had my way I would have gotten pain relief at 5cm! But all the anesthesiologists were busy... That was not a fun time lol. If I ever have another child, I would try BFing again too

 

[Tasha]

Aww this is nice. I think everyone should feel proud of themselves.

 

[DLA]

Aww this is nice. I think everyone should feel proud of themselves.

YES! I hate how as mothers we always seem to categorize and label ourselves: formula feeder, breastfeeder, attachment parenting, natural childbirth, c section, getting an epidural, babywearing, using a stroller, baby led weaning, traditional weaning, stay at home mom, working mom, single mom ect

We all do it differently! You should be proud being a mom PERIOD! Ok done with the cheeziness.

 

[SnuggleMum]

Aww this is nice. I think everyone should feel proud of themselves.

YES! I hate how as mothers we always seem to categorize and label ourselves: formula feeder, breastfeeder, attachment parenting, natural childbirth, c section, getting an epidural, babywearing, using a stroller, baby led weaning, traditional weaning, stay at home mom, working mom, single mom ect

We all do it differently! You should be proud being a mom PERIOD! Ok done with the cheeziness.

For me I like to label myself, it makes it easier to find my 'tribe'. While I know most (almost all) Mums are lovely and understanding and not judgemental, there is something to be said about the comfortableness or being around people who do things just like me - just for not having to explain why I do what I do, or feel uncomfortable about feeding my three year old, or to be able to get advice without having to give disclaimers or receive advice I don't want (which wastes my time and those who kindly answered).

I suppose I feel that way because I've experience a fair amount of confusion/odd looks regarding my parenting. Never any nastiness, but a lot of Mums thinking I'm just a bit odd/extreme/different. Being in the minority in real life makes it seem more important to me to find others who do things like me.

It doesn't mean I think different ways are wrong or bad, just that I personally feel most comfortable with people I know 'get' me. (That doesn't mean a FF'ing Mum won't get me, or that every BF'ing Mum gets me, but in general, I'm more likely to parenting in a similar way and therefore feel comfortable, if they do the same as me).

 

[Missy86]

whoa just got caught up on this thread.

Wanted to add about the IQ thing, more recent studies suggest that there isn't a link between BFing and a higher IQ. The health benefits however are undeniable.

Also in terms of "personal achievement", I think it's just that, personal. I delivered vaginally and I was pretty proud of myself. That being said, I don't think anyone should feel "less proud" for having a c section. I was proud of myself simply because for 9 months, I was terrified and didn't think I would be able to handle the pain. I was also certain that my body would "fail to progress" and I would end up with a c section (which I did not want simply because I HATE surgery). So I was thrilled that neither of those happen. I will take the credit for getting through the pain but as for the other, I think I have to say I was just lucky. DOn't think it was necessarily anything I did (although the pushing was freaking hard!), but still I consider myself lucky. What one woman considers an achievement, that other may not. I am extremely proud of myself that even though my son would not latch, I exclusively pumped until he was 4.5 months old. THat was one of the most difficult things I've ever done and although I still feel badly that BFing went so bad after I had my heart set on it, no one can take that away from me. Maybe another woman who exclusively pumped thinks it's not big deal, because maybe it wasn't for her. But for ME, it was a big deal and something to be proud of. I still feel guilt for having to stop pumping when I went back to work and not giving my son breastmilk for the 12 months, which is what I had hoped for. Oh well, motherhood and guilt are apparently synonomous.

I was very proud of myself because I got to 8cms with no pain relief and I am also proud that I am gonna have another crack at bf even though I fricking hate it

I got to 7cm! If I had my way I would have gotten pain relief at 5cm! But all the anesthesiologists were busy... That was not a fun time lol. If I ever have another child, I would try BFing again too

It was funny really, my water broke in the hospital but they sent me home cos the didnt think I was in labour saying they would induce me the next day (I was 8 days over) So I am contracting all night but I dont think its to bad, get to the hospital the next day and they give me an internal. I thought I maybe 4cms but the mw turns round and says I am 8cms! I was like that was easy

 

[indy and lara]

I have no wish to join a group or a tribe or surround myself with people only like me. Lots of my friends didn't BF but that doesn't stop them being good friends. We sleep trained or didn't, we used BLW or didn't, some co-slept others didn't. I like to think that the Mummies I met and still see 3 years down the line are friends because we like each other, not just because we do it all the same. I am very anti- labelling as I see it as divisive rather than unifying. Just my tuppence though.

 

[Missy86]

I dont do the labeling thing tbh, my best friend bf her dd for 2 years and co slept

We dont judge each other and it is nice to hear different points of view

 

[Liesje]

I have no desire to join a group of similar moms either. My friends already know I'm weird no matter what I do. It's not my intention to become a professional mommy (although a noble career), so in a few years I'll have nothing in common with breastfeeders and co-sleepers and attached parents and although I agree with natural parenting for now, the whole rest of the lifestyle that seems to come with natural parenting doesnt agree with mine. I enjoy living luxurouriously and don't have the time or discipline for the natural hippy (I use the term lovingly! lol) lifestyle, but I admire those who do.

 

[SnuggleMum]

I have no desire to join a group of similar moms either. My friends already know I'm weird no matter what I do. It's not my intention to become a professional mommy (although a noble career), so in a few years I'll have nothing in common with breastfeeders and co-sleepers and attached parents and although I agree with natural parenting for now, the whole rest of the lifestyle that seems to come with natural parenting doesnt agree with mine. I enjoy living luxurouriously and don't have the time or discipline for the natural hippy lifestyle, but I admire those who do.

I think that is why I like to be around similar Mums - this is a long-term lifestyle for me (at least another 5+ years) and after 'losing' my first set of Mummy friends at 6 months when everyone went back to work, I wanted to find a group who would be around for the long-term. My first role is being a Mum, and I find a lot of people don't get/accept/like that, but with natural parenting circles I feel valued.

 

[leelee]

I am another one that is not into labels. I dip in and out of different parenting styles and would hate to attach myself to a certain type of parenting.

 

[indy and lara]

I have no desire to join a group of similar moms either. My friends already know I'm weird no matter what I do. It's not my intention to become a professional mommy (although a noble career), so in a few years I'll have nothing in common with breastfeeders and co-sleepers and attached parents and although I agree with natural parenting for now, the whole rest of the lifestyle that seems to come with natural parenting doesnt agree with mine. I enjoy living luxurouriously and don't have the time or discipline for the natural hippy lifestyle, but I admire those who do.

I think that is why I like to be around similar Mums - this is a long-term lifestyle for me (at least another 5+ years) and after 'losing' my first set of Mummy friends at 6 months when everyone went back to work, I wanted to find a group who would be around for the long-term. My first role is being a Mum, and I find a lot of people don't get/accept/like that, but with natural parenting circles I feel valued.

That's interesting and very different from my experience. I have been off work for 3 years now but haven't found that I have lost contact with the girls I made friends with even though all of them went back to work when I didn't. I haven't found that people have issue with my choice. They may say that it isn't for them but I haven't found that is an issue in our relationships at all.

 

[midori1999]

I have no desire to join a group of similar moms either. My friends already know I'm weird no matter what I do. It's not my intention to become a professional mommy (although a noble career), so in a few years I'll have nothing in common with breastfeeders and co-sleepers and attached parents and although I agree with natural parenting for now, the whole rest of the lifestyle that seems to come with natural parenting doesnt agree with mine. I enjoy living luxurouriously and don't have the time or discipline for the natural hippy lifestyle, but I admire those who do.

I think that is why I like to be around similar Mums - this is a long-term lifestyle for me (at least another 5+ years) and after 'losing' my first set of Mummy friends at 6 months when everyone went back to work, I wanted to find a group who would be around for the long-term. My first role is being a Mum, and I find a lot of people don't get/accept/like that, but with natural parenting circles I feel valued.

I have to say, I like to be around similar Mums (although not all my friend's parent in exactly the same way I do) because I don't want to listen to people talking about things like CC and CIO or how their baby is 'manipulative' because they have learnt that when they cry they get picked up. (which surely is a good thing?!)

Each to their own and all that, but it's not something I want to be around.